Attachment Parenting Has Been On My Mind

[Heidi]

I just don't see this epidemic of spoiled kids. Yeah, I see SOME kids that are snotty, disrespectful and spoiled. I also see many more good kids who do act right, behave and show respect for adults and teachers.

Same with adults. Go visit Miami, you will find some pushy, entitled, obnoxious adults there. They are easy to spot. But you are going to see many friendly, normal people
too, they just aren't as easy to spot.

Same with life in general. There's good, there's bad, there's beautiful, there's ugly.

Seriously now...aren't most parents "attached" to their kids? The name itself implies "hey some parents AREN'T attached to their kids, or their kids are not attached to them." I'm attached to my kids, but I didn't co sleep or breast feed, sooooo......I'm not a good parent then? Whatever.

Some kids behave , some don't. Some adults behave well, some don't. I don't need to see any stats on the success of AP to tell me that.

I do, but I haven't had any AP kids here, so I can't blame it on that. I have had a few where limits at home were next to none, but no one claimed to be AP'ing.

I did have one little one who's parents probably fit into that category, but I only had her a month and then let her go (she was leaving for the summer anyway). I had no issues with her at all...but her parents were another matter, and I realized very quickly that it wouldn't be a "good fit".

[midaycare]

I just don't see this epidemic of spoiled kids. Yeah, I see SOME kids that are snotty, disrespectful and spoiled. I also see many more good kids who do act right, behave and show respect for adults and teachers.

Really? You don't think the percentage of entitled kids is going up? Maybe it's my time spent in teaching & as a school counselor, but ... imo, kids are definitely trying to get away with more, and feel more entitled.

If poor Johnny doesn't do any work all semester, and flunks his classes, his parents come into the school and rant and rave at the teacher, counselors and principals. Even though they've all been working with Johnny, and Johnny could have cared less. Now the parents want to get involved by demanding the grade be changed to passing.

This happens on even tests, too, where a student who normally gets all "A's" will get a "B" or "C". The parent will come storming in, demanding their special snowflake gets a retest or their grade changed.

I can't tell you the number of times I was yelled and screamed at, by both students and parents. Teaching is tough y'all. It sure isn't like it used to be. My mother was a teacher for decades, and she just retired. She went from kids who were pretty well behaved early in her career to kids who had no problem saying, "**ck you!" And then walking out of class. My mom had her car keyed 4 times, and her house vandalized several more. Simply because she stood up to the students, parents, and principals and refused to change grades.

Not too many parents I know take the time to instill value in their kids. They hand them expensive cell phones, video game consoles, clothes, you name it. Sometimes even cars. What happened to working for these things?

To each his own, and to each parent their own parenting style, but I think these kids are going to have problems when they are out in the "real world". You can't just go up to your boss and say, "**ck you!" There are repercussions.

I have personally watched my nephew, 2 nieces, and several family friends recently graduate from high school and get lost in the real world. Took over a year to find a job because no one wanted to hire them. Some of them still don't work.

There are great kids out there. I definitely believe that. But I also think the amount of kids doing not-so-great is rising.

[My3cents]

One of the ways I deal with attachment parenting (or any other "labeled" type of parenting) is ask the parent to tell me EXACTLY what that (insert parenting type/style) means to them.

Then I take it from there.

I don't care what parents want to call it/label it, I ONLY care if I can integrate their child into my mixed group.

Personally, I think it's silly to call parenting anything but parenting.

Every child requires a unique set of rules/guidelines/approaches, whether they are the first born, middle, youngest or only.

My mother had 6 children and not one of them was parented the same.

Each child was simply provided with the things they needed.

I treat my DCK's the same way. Similar to what Nan said in one of her earlier posts. It doesn't matter if the child is neglected or micro-managed....the result in MY program is the same. ALL kids follow the same rules and abide by the same set of behavior guidelines that everyone else does.

HOW I teach, enforce and uphold those guidelines differs GREATLY from one child to another.

ALL children receive responsive, reciprocal and respectful care based on their individual needs.

I am loving this thread, very interesting.

I am seeing Blackcats view on this- I do what works. Each child is so very different, and the background from which they come from is. I try to treat my dck's the same but often what works for one may not work for another, so I look for what works but being consistent.

I agree parenting is parenting. I think for a child under one the needs should be met and the child should feel safe and nurtured and loved...... as understanding happens the child is taught right from wrong but with love and common sense yet a firmness-

I know for myself that I got caught up in breastfeeding being the only way to health for your child and being young, wanting to do what was best or what I thought to be best for my child I caved to what I thought were the pro's. After child #4 I found out that having a laid back approach and doing what I thought was best and not from a book to make the child most rounded, happier, content, and probably because I was- Giving a bottle was ok. It would have been nice to have a mentor that said just relax and don't get hooked on what a book says, or any one way of doing things. Do what works. On child #4 I learned that it was ok if they cried after all needs were met. My parenting has spanned over several years so I have seen many of the trends come and go.

The one that gets to me today is the parent that will not say No to the child. It might hurt the kids self esteem! Give me a break. Not saying No to your child is just setting them up for a big blast once they live in reality.

I try to take from old school and incorporate new school too~ I see good from both- I try most to keep it real

Thanks for this thread-

[Annalee]

Really? You don't think the percentage of entitled kids is going up? Maybe it's my time spent in teaching & as a school counselor, but ... imo, kids are definitely trying to get away with more, and feel more entitled.

If poor Johnny doesn't do any work all semester, and flunks his classes, his parents come into the school and rant and rave at the teacher, counselors and principals. Even though they've all been working with Johnny, and Johnny could have cared less. Now the parents want to get involved by demanding the grade be changed to passing.

This happens on even tests, too, where a student who normally gets all "A's" will get a "B" or "C". The parent will come storming in, demanding their special snowflake gets a retest or their grade changed.

I can't tell you the number of times I was yelled and screamed at, by both students and parents. Teaching is tough y'all. It sure isn't like it used to be. My mother was a teacher for decades, and she just retired. She went from kids who were pretty well behaved early in her career to kids who had no problem saying, "**ck you!" And then walking out of class. My mom had her car keyed 4 times, and her house vandalized several more. Simply because she stood up to the students, parents, and principals and refused to change grades.

Not too many parents I know take the time to instill value in their kids. They hand them expensive cell phones, video game consoles, clothes, you name it. Sometimes even cars. What happened to working for these things?

To each his own, and to each parent their own parenting style, but I think these kids are going to have problems when they are out in the "real world". You can't just go up to your boss and say, "**ck you!" There are repercussions.

I have personally watched my nephew, 2 nieces, and several family friends recently graduate from high school and get lost in the real world. Took over a year to find a job because no one wanted to hire them. Some of them still don't work.

There are great kids out there. I definitely believe that. But I also think the amount of kids doing not-so-great is rising.

Bolded comments! I see this in lots of families today!

[My3cents]

Yes. I have no problem wearing a child if it helps them feel safe. We work toward good sleep habits because that is what will help them in the long run, but if it helps them now to wear them while we move that way, so be it.

I also do not believe a young infant (less than 6-8 months) can be "spoiled" by having their needs met. And sometimes that need might just be to be held and be close to an adult.

I agree with this- An infant thrives on that touch- just ask any neonatal nurse-

Wearing a child does nothing for me- I respect those that do it but its not for me.

[My3cents]

Yes. I have no problem wearing a child if it helps them feel safe. We work toward good sleep habits because that is what will help them in the long run, but if it helps them now to wear them while we move that way, so be it.

I also do not believe a young infant (less than 6-8 months) can be "spoiled" by having their needs met. And sometimes that need might just be to be held and be close to an adult.

I agree with this- An infant thrives on that touch- just ask any neonatal nurse-

Wearing a child does nothing for me- I respect those that do it but its not for me.

[Annalee]

[/B]

I agree with this- An infant thrives on that touch- just ask any neonatal nurse-

Wearing a child does nothing for me- I respect those that do it but its not for me.

I agree infants need cuddling/touching/etc....and I have NEVER worn a child. While I see persons on vacation and such wearing a child possibly out of convenience, I can see that, BUT wearing a child simply because the child can't self-soothe themselves can create a problem. Some children never learn to self-sooth because the parents never teach that or allow the child to learn it.....I feel self-soothing can become a beneficial attribute for children as they learn and grow. Next comes self-regulation and so on..... Just my opinions!

[Laurel]

Laurel, I thought you might be busting my chops over the Miami comment.::
People behave badly everywhere.::

I am neutral on Miami. I have lived in Ft. Lauderdale for 18 years and have probably been to Miami less than 10 times total.

Laurel

[Controlled Chaos]

I have lots of thoughts on this....

Now as to my experience......like a lot of first time moms, when you make choices as a pregnant woman that include things like medication free or home birth, use of a doula or midwife, Bradley or hypno birthing labor techniques, cloth diapering, etc., it sends you down a path of information and resources that make a bee line for the AP community. This is the first reason that parents get into this world. They didnt intend to be here but their first few choices as expectant parents led them here. These websites, mommy bloggers, forums and even real life groups can be quite demanding. There are rules and expectations that go along with the use of the AP label. This is a tough crowd, trust me. Easily influenced newbie parents see this world as all knowing and they "drink the koolaid" so to speak.

Happy to continue the discussion, it is a good one!

I relate to this. I had one medication free birth in a hospital and one home birth, I was shocked how alientated I felt by the community I had enjoyed during pregnancy one I had the baby. I did the ferber method with all my kids, I vaccinate, I am quite strict, I will wear a newborn in a wrap but not past 3-4 months and I never be share, I breastfeed but supplement with formula, I put my babies on a schedule when they are old enough - so many people I met online and in real life vocally opposed my choices and I found myself needing to find a new support group since according to them I may have birthed the "right way" but I was the "wrong" type of parent. It gets a little cult like.

[hope]

I have one AP child in my small group. If I were to judge the child's behavior and growth when she is one on one with me I would say she is an intelligent well behaved dcg. She has an extensive vocabulary and grasps concepts quickly. I really enjoy her company.
If I were to report on her when in the company of the other children in my group, it is a different story. This child lives in a home where the word "no" is never uttered. She is given choices for everything and she can take as long as she needs to make decisions or perform a task. The other kids tell her no at times (appropriately) and this dcg doesn't understand why she wasn't given a choice and has a melt down. Dcg is very clingy and doesn't understand personal space. She literally wants to sit in the other kids laps. She doesn't always want to participate in our activities and wants the whole group to switch to do an activity that she wants to do. When she does become upset she has a hard time getting over it. She seems to carry the issue with her throughout the day.
All kids seem to be working through issues like these at her young age. This dcg really does have a hard time fitting in when I am not there to steer her. I worry that she will have a hard time in public school bc she expects the world to revolve around her.

[KidGrind]

I think the cortisol research has been pretty desimated. Iirc the researchers who did the cortisol research that the Sears family uses went national with how they completely misused their findings. They were STRONGLY against the null hypothesis Dr Searseses used.

I've been wondering if AP has become popular with African American and Hispanic moms. I also wonder if child care providers would choose a AP family to work for over a family that did not sling carry, did not co sleep, did cio, did not sleep nipple attached, etc with all things being equal otherwise. (Money schedule age)

Maybe that's a good poll question.

I took on what I viewed as a AP parenting style. I made it clear, I’d transition the best of my ability to group care. DCK is happy & smart as a whip. Would I do it again? Highly unlikely...

[nannyde]

I have one AP child in my small group. If I were to judge the child's behavior and growth when she is one on one with me I would say she is an intelligent well behaved dcg. She has an extensive vocabulary and grasps concepts quickly. I really enjoy her company.
If I were to report on her when in the company of the other children in my group, it is a different story. This child lives in a home where the word "no" is never uttered. She is given choices for everything and she can take as long as she needs to make decisions or perform a task. The other kids tell her no at times (appropriately) and this dcg doesn't understand why she wasn't given a choice and has a melt down. Dcg is very clingy and doesn't understand personal space. She literally wants to sit in the other kids laps. She doesn't always want to participate in our activities and wants the whole group to switch to do an activity that she wants to do. When she does become upset she has a hard time getting over it. She seems to carry the issue with her throughout the day.
All kids seem to be working through issues like these at her young age. This dcg really does have a hard time fitting in when I am not there to steer her. I worry that she will have a hard time in public school bc she expects the world to revolve around her.

My experience has been.similar with AP kids in that the vocabulary and symbol recognition is above average but the ability to rein those in was nonexistent.

It feels like the part of the brain that processes "come here... sit down... pick that up... put that away... just doesn't exist. The blank look is unnerving when the child is WAY beyond the age it takes to follow REALLY simple directions. It's not even defiance as much as it is a complete foreign concept. The negotiations can be relentless. The desperate looks when the end game is plain, without fanfare, and no adult is confusing. It takes a big investment to get them to understand I don't want words or another option. I want you to come and sit. I won't dress that up in promises to have something to offer after you so it. Just do it.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

My experience has been.similar with AP kids in that the vocabulary and symbol recognition is above average but the ability to rein those in was nonexistent.

It feels like the part of the brain that processes "come here... sit down... pick that up... put that away... just doesn't exist. The blank look is unnerving when the child is WAY beyond the age it takes to follow REALLY simple directions. It's not even defiance as much as it is a complete foreign concept. The negotiations can be relentless. The desperate looks when the end game is plain, without fanfare, and no adult is confusing. It takes a big investment to get them to understand I don't want words or another option. I want you to come and sit. I won't dress that up in promises to have something to offer after you so it. Just do it.

Hmmm. I am getting a lot of kids with those distant looks that aren't AP kids lately. They are simply only children.

[cheerfuldom]

*cringe* as a Hispanic mother (half anyway) those are some pretty broad generalizations/stereotypes.

I am an AP mother. I used slings for awake times when I couldn't hold my child and he/she couldn't be in good supervision. I had my kids in the same room as me until they were older, because I was nervous/lazy/breastfeeding and *I* slept better, but each of my four children had/have their own rooms and their own beds. My child/ren never parented each other, although older girls generally 'help' as helping with family is expected in our family. As far as 'being men' and earning man status, in my family and in the Hispanic families I grew up in, that is about being respectful, responsible, polite and hard working. It is NOT 'don't be a baby, don't cry' AT ALL. Girls are raised to be WOMEN in much the same way. I have VERY VERY rarely heard a child in my family be disrespectful, when they ARE, several family members WILL speak up.

I've never used a pacifier.
My babies went to sippy cups early.
They weren't coddled.

As far as running wild, it's pretty family dependent on what general rules apply. I can't say I feel that MOST Hispanic children are allowed to run WILD. Most Hispanic families ARE large so it's loud and rowdy and they ALL encourage physical activity. My boys are allowed to wrestle with dh's approval and supervision, for example. My cousins children are allowed to wrestle the same way. My nieces aren't allowed to touch each other at all. The kids in MY family are much more respectful compared to the same age kids in Dh's Italian family(dh is half german, half Italian), even though the two families share in the same religious and moral beliefs.

I also have a large extended Hispanic family-- most don't even have a parenting style that they could name, it's doing what they feel is right and what works for them.

I am fully hispanic and yes I realize that I made board generalizations. This is just my experience and not meant at all to be offensive. I am sorry if I came off that way. By running wild, I did not mean completely unsupervised and crazy....I meant just exactly what you described, lots of physical activity, play wrestling and more independent play like climbing and things that helicopter parents probably wouldnt feel comfortable with. In my experience, Hispanic moms give their kids more freedom whether that be just because they have to due to large families or whether it be a cultural thing or just personal choice.

[hope]

I also want to add that the AP dcg has no anxiety. ..NONE. at times I feel she is numb and I don't want to sound mean. It seems that she lacks the excitement and anticipation and exuberance That children have.