-
-
Although in my particular experience, the abused child mellows out after awhile from structure, routine, consistency, patience, stability....you get what I mean. But the ap child doesn't. My particular ap child was very stubborn, don't know if that was just a character trait, or both?Comment
-
........
SignMeUp, love the way you word thoughts. I totally relate and get where you're coming from.
Maybe this too......
The neglected are desperate for the attention of the parent.
The ap desire the attention of the parent.
Both are going to get that attention, no matter what works, or what the child has been conditioned to use.
desire or can't function with out it- The AP child needs the parent like a third arm and to continue with what you said......it is what the child has been conditioned to know. That is where both kids comfort level lies- what they know, how they thrive.Comment
-
I understand. I have a redheaded child and a child with dark hair and very fair skin (think Snow White). my younger two look more like me, the older two not so much. I also get the confused "is she the babysitter?" looks and comments. It is interesting to see how my culture plays a part in my parenting style. I know I allow my kids to rough house more than normal.Thank you for clarifying.
I really feel looked down on in many areas because of my race/parenting styles. There are only so many times you can hear whispering "look at what their nanny is letting them do!" Before you get insta offended. (My two youngest are more fair, blue eyed. My baby is blonde, so the assumption that I am their nanny is quite frequent)Comment
-
I have not had time to read all of the responses but this:
is happening right now, in the last 5 years particularly.we are going to see a decline in the quality of kids behavior and health at a rate we have never seen before in our country's history.Comment
-
My older two look like me. Everyone confuses dd & I now that she's older. My younger two, not at all!!
I also let my kids rough house (with limits and supervision) and have focused on allowing them be independent. Eg. They use real knives at restaurants (6,9,13,15) and the looks we get!!!Comment
-
Same here! I was a nervous wreck for my son to start K. I talked to his teacher about all my worries, and she took the reigns. Except for minor transitional issues in the morn, he did great! His teacher reported to me regularly on how well he was doing, and other teachers, and the principal, just loved him! But I worked with him to transition him away from me. The ap parents I'm talking about expected me to go over and beyond for their child, even with my own child being in the group.
Comment
-
I guess I should have clarified...my son was a teenager when we got him (he WAS abused/neglected and definitely was NOT raised AP style in any way whatsoever) so took 3 years to be able to be relatively "normal."Same here! I was a nervous wreck for my son to start K. I talked to his teacher about all my worries, and she took the reigns. Except for minor transitional issues in the morn, he did great! His teacher reported to me regularly on how well he was doing, and other teachers, and the principal, just loved him! But I worked with him to transition him away from me. The ap parents I'm talking about expected me to go over and beyond for their child, even with my own child being in the group.
My AP kids here are ages 2-5 and I just have yet to see one "arrive" at being normal...ever.
One day I hope to see this butttt...
This is where my hesitation to label myself as an AP parent is becoming more and more tricky. I DO see the AP parents in my group wanting their child to be number one. Even when being number one directly breaks our rules here. If we want them to obey we must talk to them like delicate flowers and ask them if it is okay first. If they say it isn't then we must negotiate with them. It is, quite frankly, odd. If I don't want you to run in the street I am going to say, "Stop! Stay on the sidewalk, please." I am not going to say, "Please stay on the sidewalk, OKAY?" Insert tantrum here. "Oh you poor baby! I can see that you are sad. Let me cuddle you! Let us go get/do ___ to make it better."
I received this in my e-mail today from API Links (attachmentparenting.org):
Years ago, during one of the times I was a guest speaker at our local monthly AP meeting, a dad asked me (Yay for dads attending meetings!) what I considered to be the most important of the AP Principles.
After frantically and silently trying to remember what all of them were (hey, I was caught off guard), I decided I didn’t have a good answer for him. After all, my kids were out of the diapering and breastfeeding stages, and I felt that the Principles still applied to my older children even as our family’s needs changed. But as my children's needs changed, so did the importance of individual Principles.
The answer I came up with wasn't a Principle at all. But it's the same thing that’s the underlying theme of Attachment Parenting: respect. When we have respect for our children - responding to their needs, whether through feeding, sleeping, listening, or touching - we foster a sense of self-worth and we empower them to be independent while maintaining roots.
Respect is something our children never outgrow. The outward expression of respect will be different for every child. It might be cuddling your preschooler on your lap with your hands over his ears while his friends sing a screeching rendition of "Happy Birthday," or it might be watching him navigate the birthday piñata safely on his own because he wants to do it “all by myself,” even with a giant baseball bat. It might be allowing your toddler to jump smack into the middle of a group of raucous, cacophonous kids on the playground, or it might be allowing her to stand quietly by your side holding tightly to the hem of your shirt while she takes a moment to size things up.
I have three kids, and I often describe them as the three points on an equilateral triangle; they could hardly be more different. My oldest demanded giant ear protectors when he went to see a movie in a theater and he needed to sit in the back row. My middle child wanted to sit on the front row, completely enveloped in the experience. My youngest wanted us all to be together. (Taking them to the same movie tended to be tricky.)
What works for one didn’t work for the other, but I did my best to respect each of their needs. I didn’t always get it right, but my kids knew I tried. I still don't get it right all of the time, and I'm still trying.
So you keep trying too. If something doesn’t work, try something else. When you’re stuck, come back to that one ideal: respect your child. If you respect him now, he’ll respect others, he'll respect himself, and he’ll respect you.
*****
This month we welcome these new Leaders: Brandie Hadfield, API Toronto; Sarah Longwell-Stevens, API New York City; Alexis Schrader, API East Bay, California; and Shannon Haynie, API of Camden County, New Jersey; and Kayla Lunde, Naperville API, Illinois. Welcome, Leaders!
Camille North,
API Links EditorComment
-
The monstrous behaved kids are kids who have NO direction in life, either because mom /dad/whoever did EVERYTHING for them or because they live life without ANY instruction/intervention.
Never knew a child die from simply crying a few minutes. Never knew a child less smart than another due to breast feeding vs bottle feedign. Never knew a child who died eating Tyson chicken nuggets vs homemade ones. Never knew a child who died sleeping alone under NORMAL and safe circumstances vs one that shared a room.
The problem lies within the parents who don't want the kid to cry. EVER. That do not want the child to be dissappointed. EVER. That can't say "no" to their 'baby'. They give in, they let the kids get away with things as to not "cause a scene" or because they fear they will get in trouble if they do.
And on the flip side, you also have the parents who don't interact with their child. EVER. Those who stick them on a couch with games/TV all day, every day. The kids who can't explore other new and exciting things. Parents who are TOO strict and never bend ever. Parents who basically are "hovering"
And last but not least, your extreme issues:
neglect, abuse, etc.
Some of the problem, barring abuse/neglect, is that many people do not want to adapt. They hate change. So when something doesn't work, they give up, get frustrated, and say "forget it". And when you do that with kids, the kids pay. So does everyone else.
I didn't do any AP to the point the child was LITERALLY attached to me all day (baby wearing and never letting the child out of my sight), in fact I'm not "AP" or what people CONSIDER AP at all, but I DID pay attention to my children's needs, spent time with them, made sure they had their schedules down, tried out breast feeding, etc, but I also let them be free spirits, independent, etc. A little from both sides, so to speak.
But most of my AP friends are VERY very "OMG no one touches my precious, he might cry" and I'm PRETTY SURE the idea of AP isn't supposed to be that rigid.
MY own version in my head of what a GOOD parent should be is to: respond to children's needs. It has NOTHING to do with co-sleeping exclusively, wearing babies all day, feeding the babies breast milk only, etc, even though I think SOME groups say that it does. It's what we ALL do as parents (good parents).
Who knows. Just a theory.
I just think it's the EXTREMIST mentality that does our kids wrong. If you don't BF you're a bad mom , if you don't bottle-feed, you're a bad mom. Mom's just cannot win. Ever. And that is the WRONG view.
I think we all have our styles, mine's not any one particular thing, and I do think we all incorporate just A LITTLE of the things that don't 'fit the style' of parenting we have given to ourselves, and don't like to admit that. Because it means we didn't "follow the rules"Comment
Tweet
Comment