Attachment Parenting Has Been On My Mind

[nannyde]

I am fully hispanic and yes I realize that I made board generalizations. This is just my experience and not meant at all to be offensive. I am sorry if I came off that way. By running wild, I did not mean completely unsupervised and crazy....I meant just exactly what you described, lots of physical activity, play wrestling and more independent play like climbing and things that helicopter parents probably wouldnt feel comfortable with. In my experience, Hispanic moms give their kids more freedom whether that be just because they have to due to large families or whether it be a cultural thing or just personal choice.

I spent quite a bit of time in Hawaii on Maui when Cohle was six and seven. I became good friends with some folks who had age mates. We talked about "outdoor life" and how the houses of the middle class are small with big families but the kids were outside all the time so it didn't feel cramped.

I live in a 2000k town now and WOWZERS is it different. My son is gone all day long. The green space here is thru the roof. The little kids are outside unsupervised a ton. It's SO refreshing to watch them play. It's like play from my childhood. I dig it so much.

I see kids outside all day every day and no adults. Once they are five it's go play.

I dig it and my kid really digs it. This summer is flying by. I wish I would have moved here when he was little.

[nanglgrl]

I have one AP child in my small group. If I were to judge the child's behavior and growth when she is one on one with me I would say she is an intelligent well behaved dcg. She has an extensive vocabulary and grasps concepts quickly. I really enjoy her company.
If I were to report on her when in the company of the other children in my group, it is a different story. This child lives in a home where the word "no" is never uttered. She is given choices for everything and she can take as long as she needs to make decisions or perform a task. The other kids tell her no at times (appropriately) and this dcg doesn't understand why she wasn't given a choice and has a melt down. Dcg is very clingy and doesn't understand personal space. She literally wants to sit in the other kids laps. She doesn't always want to participate in our activities and wants the whole group to switch to do an activity that she wants to do. When she does become upset she has a hard time getting over it. She seems to carry the issue with her throughout the day.
All kids seem to be working through issues like these at her young age. This dcg really does have a hard time fitting in when I am not there to steer her. I worry that she will have a hard time in public school bc she expects the world to revolve around her.

I have one child in my group who's parents practice AP and this is exactly how I would describe him. He's so smart in some ways but in other ways he's so behind. He seems emotionally stunted and doesn't play with his peers, is rarely happy or sad, just there. If that makes sense.

[cheerfuldom]

very interesting discussion and I am proud of y'all for keeping it polite and mature. big applause for all of us.....see we can do it!

[TwinKristi]

While I haven't been in childcare very long, I've worked with kids for many years and been around them as a parent as well. I really don't blame AP as much though. I know kids like many of you describe "AP" kids as that weren't raised with an AP philosophy. Some kids are just easy-going and regardless of what you do they thrive. Other kids are very environment and routine sensitive. I do think devices are a problem with kids though. The idea of always having some type of electronic stimulation (iPods/iPads for preschoolers, TVs in bedrooms, even on the 5 minute drive to school/daycare in the morning) and kids being "brain-trained" from a young age to learn and be smarter and better than their peers. It's always a competition or a fashion show when we go to the baby gym place or playgroup. Kids are a little mini person to model after yourself and tag along on their fun life now. A family I have is sooo backwards like that. They give their daughter the low fat fitness oriented things they eat/drink instead of high fat, nutrient rich foods a baby needs to develop their brain. They just dress her in their matching outfits and take her to nice places to eat but the poor thing needs age appropriate stimulation instead or adult stimulation. "Oh we don't eat dairy so she doesn't eat dairy..." and then 6 mos later their dr says she needs dairy because she's so tiny!!
Because of my life when my youngest was born, he was hardly ever home at any normal nap time and slept in the car a lot. We had to leave at 7:45 to take the kids to school, again at 1 on Wednesdays or 2 every other day. Some days I babysat kids at other people's homes, some days I had kids at my house, some days I subbed in a home daycare. It was really erratic but he slept through the night at a young age. I wore him a lot, nursed on demand, co-slept, etc. He is a little stinker but I don't think it's because of any of that. He's just always been a very active boy. Walking at 9mos, climbing everything, very go go go... He's smart and can be a very good boy too! He's had his rough patches but I think overall he's just an active curious little boy!
Also, I have a baby who just started here. 1/2 day last week and full day this week. Parents are separating and mom had to get a job and put baby in DC kinda quickly. SAHM, baby was breastfed, mom wears baby and cosleeps. She had been the happiest baby ever. Granted she didn't sleep but 40 mins, she also didn't cry and was very content!! She also slept in a crib which she doesn't do at home. She ate from a bottle like a pro. She plays alone like she's been in daycare since birth! She is soooooo awesome! It's amazing what babies will do when given the chance to do it. You wouldn't really lump her in the needy AP baby category at all. The baby who cried the most, has the hardest time playing alone and transitioning is the most non-AP baby I have. Formula, sleeps in a crib, daycare since he was very young, CIO, etc. and he is the biggest crier. He's been here 3 mos now and still cries at drop off 75% of the time and throughout the day often.
Every baby is different. I've seen it with DCKs and my own kids and other kids I know.

[Blackcat31]

I don't have half as many issues with the kids who were AP parented as I do with the parents who practice AP parenting.

[nannyde]

I don't have half as many issues with the kids who were AP parented as I do with the parents who practice AP parenting.

Yup

I think providers who don't have the physical space to separate the criers and have their own little ones have a harder time with the kids.

I think there is a market for attachment daycare. I don't think there is money in it though.

[KiddieCahoots]

I have one AP child in my small group. If I were to judge the child's behavior and growth when she is one on one with me I would say she is an intelligent well behaved dcg. She has an extensive vocabulary and grasps concepts quickly. I really enjoy her company.
If I were to report on her when in the company of the other children in my group, it is a different story. This child lives in a home where the word "no" is never uttered. She is given choices for everything and she can take as long as she needs to make decisions or perform a task. The other kids tell her no at times (appropriately) and this dcg doesn't understand why she wasn't given a choice and has a melt down. Dcg is very clingy and doesn't understand personal space. She literally wants to sit in the other kids laps. She doesn't always want to participate in our activities and wants the whole group to switch to do an activity that she wants to do. When she does become upset she has a hard time getting over it. She seems to carry the issue with her throughout the day.
All kids seem to be working through issues like these at her young age. This dcg really does have a hard time fitting in when I am not there to steer her. I worry that she will have a hard time in public school bc she expects the world to revolve around her.

I had a child in my care like this too. Except she wasn't well behaved, but then again neither were the parents. These were the parents that wanted me to cater to their child with letting her inappropriate behavior slide, yet expected me to set limits and discipline the other children for the same inappropriate behavior. These parents did practice ap, but obviously had other parenting factors going on in there too.

This child was ahead in her vocabulary too, and very intelligent, but like you and others are saying, her emotional development was immature. She was more outgoing one on one with me, but in a group she was a fish out of water. She didn't relate well or play well with others, and over time was excluded more and more by the other kids.

If we're noticing the same thing with emotional development being somewhat behind, isn't that going to eventually delay them with academics, once in school? And if so, will they eventually catch up, or is the opportunity lost in the early years?

[hope]

I had a child in my care like this too. Except she wasn't well behaved, but then again neither were the parents. These were the parents that wanted me to cater to their child with letting her inappropriate behavior slide, yet expected me to set limits and discipline the other children for the same inappropriate behavior. These parents did practice ap, but obviously had other parenting factors going on in there too.

This child was ahead in her vocabulary too, and very intelligent, but like you and others are saying, her emotional development was immature. She was more outgoing one on one with me, but in a group she was a fish out of water. She didn't relate well or play well with others, and over time was excluded more and more by the other kids.

If we're noticing the same thing with emotional development being somewhat behind, isn't that going to eventually delay them with academics, once in school? And if so, will they eventually catch up, or is the opportunity lost in the early years?

The problem I ran into with socializing my AP dcg is that the group of kids I have were acting as the real world would. They did say no, didn't always offer choices, didn't tip toe around her emotions and valued their own personal space at times. I do understand why AP should work with infants but I don't understand how it is teaching toddlers to become part of our society or even in a relationship that doesn't revolve around them. Maybe there needs to be a transition from AP to real world?

[Unregistered]

Maybe there needs to be a transition from AP to real world?

I think no matter what style of parenting is used, more parents seem to have a difficult time figuring out how to adjust to changing needs as their child grows up.

[hope]

I think no matter what style of parenting is used, more parents seem to have a difficult time figuring out how to adjust to changing needs as their child grows up.

I agree. But we are discussing AP in this particular convo so I only focused on the pros and cons of AP. I haven't researched AP, I only know a little about it from what other mothers have discussed with me. I really don't know if there is an age to transition or if there even is one intended in this parenting style.

[My3cents]

My experience has been.similar with AP kids in that the vocabulary and symbol recognition is above average but the ability to rein those in was nonexistent.

It feels like the part of the brain that processes "come here... sit down... pick that up... put that away... just doesn't exist. The blank look is unnerving when the child is WAY beyond the age it takes to follow REALLY simple directions. It's not even defiance as much as it is a complete foreign concept. The negotiations can be relentless. The desperate looks when the end game is plain, without fanfare, and no adult is confusing. It takes a big investment to get them to understand I don't want words or another option. I want you to come and sit. I won't dress that up in promises to have something to offer after you so it. Just do it.

I find this to be one of the hardest parts of daycare with my kids. My parents make so many promises for good behavior it is not expected anymore its negotiated. I don't negotiate very much and the kids have a hard time with that. I feel it sets the kiddo's up for fail in the real world. Will I give them choice- yes when appropriate and when I want to offer that. Is everything a choice- No. Conforming to a group is an ok thing to learn, community conform skills is ok- They learn enough alienation through the rest of the screen world and busy parents that don't take the time to teach and spend with the kids. Just my 3cents~

[My3cents]

My experience has been.similar with AP kids in that the vocabulary and symbol recognition is above average but the ability to rein those in was nonexistent.

It feels like the part of the brain that processes "come here... sit down... pick that up... put that away... just doesn't exist. The blank look is unnerving when the child is WAY beyond the age it takes to follow REALLY simple directions. It's not even defiance as much as it is a complete foreign concept. The negotiations can be relentless. The desperate looks when the end game is plain, without fanfare, and no adult is confusing. It takes a big investment to get them to understand I don't want words or another option. I want you to come and sit. I won't dress that up in promises to have something to offer after you so it. Just do it.

responding to the bolded above..

parents like the "cute", "smart", gloat of what my child can do, the one up of the neighbors, families kid. The same kid that can use that long word appropriately can't control himself and has a fit over not being allowed ice cream for supper- not so cute then.

[Unregistered]

I agree. But we are discussing AP in this particular convo so I only focused on the pros and cons of AP. I haven't researched AP, I only know a little about it from what other mothers have discussed with me. I really don't know if there is an age to transition or if there even is one intended in this parenting style.

I don't know either. I was just making a general statement that this particular quirk seems to me to be fairly across-the-board recently. I wouldn't doubt that it happens with AP parents though. I don't have anyone who labels themself AP but many of them are influenced by it, as well as RIE. Personally, I lean more toward RIE, but don't like to be boxed in to any one style.

[My3cents]

I think no matter what style of parenting is used, more parents seem to have a difficult time figuring out how to adjust to changing needs as their child grows up.

I think most parents look for answers to be a better parent, try to stay with the trends of today, and try to be the best parents they can be with what they have, and then you have the parents that just don't care or don't care on the same level and figure kids just being kids attitude. I think much of it comes from the clientele that you have, intellect, and upbringing and drive.

Everyone can't parent the same way and doesn't. I think Attached parenting has its place just as homeschooling has its place. For the right fit its great. I think if your going to AP be ready to detach when the times comes so your child can be well rounded. Don't just throw your child in the Shark tank as a baby guppy and say swim little gup, swim! If you plan to put your child into daycare then find one that welcomes AP and is willing to fit that into the program for your child, or find a balance that works for both AP and the provider- because well AP is working well for the Parents at home, it does not work well for the child or provider at care who has many kids to look out for and may not believe in that philosophy

[KiddieCahoots]

responding to the bolded above..

parents like the "cute", "smart", gloat of what my child can do, the one up of the neighbors, families kid. The same kid that can use that long word appropriately can't control himself and has a fit over not being allowed ice cream for supper- not so cute then.

......Right!?
The last parents of my ap'er.......acted just as entitled as their child. I'm guessing most of us are in agreement, (and fearful), that the future holds much of the same?