Attachment Parenting Has Been On My Mind

[Indoorvoice]

Also just wanted to add that there are many things Dr. sears says that I wholeheartedly disagree with. His opinions are not the "be all end all" for me and his practices won't work for everyone. But I was a teacher for 6 years before I had kids and have seen the results of every parenting style under the sun. I had a very good idea of how I wanted to raise my kids before going into this and I researched the crap out of best practices. I don't like being lumped in with the cutesy, permissive parents that let their children get away with anything and everything just because I call myself an "attachment parent". It is a buzzword for some, but not for me. I have also seen a lot of really troubling behaviors in children who come from very rigid parents, but that style worked for you and its what you had to do.

I get that AP is on your mind. It's on a lot of people's minds because it is a popular concept in today's culture. But I suggest that before you write an article about why we aren't seeing positive results from AP kids, you need to know the true definition of what AP is. You also need to consider that teachers and experts don't necessarily sing the praises of any one parenting style. We know that so much more than parenting style goes into what makes a "good kid".

[nannyde]

Also just wanted to add that there are many things Dr. sears says that I wholeheartedly disagree with. His opinions are not the "be all end all" for me and his practices won't work for everyone. But I was a teacher for 6 years before I had kids and have seen the results of every parenting style under the sun. I had a very good idea of how I wanted to raise my kids before going into this and I researched the crap out of best practices. I don't like being lumped in with the cutesy, permissive parents that let their children get away with anything and everything just because I call myself an "attachment parent". It is a buzzword for some, but not for me. I have also seen a lot of really troubling behaviors in children who come from very rigid parents, but that style worked for you and its what you had to do.

I get that AP is on your mind. It's on a lot of people's minds because it is a popular concept in today's culture. But I suggest that before you write an article about why we aren't seeing positive results from AP kids, you need to know the true definition of what AP is. You also need to consider that teachers and experts don't necessarily sing the praises of any one parenting style. We know that so much more than parenting style goes into what makes a "good kid".

How was my method rigid? My kids babyhood was easy as Sunday morning. I'm very good at taking care of infants. It's what I "do".

Obviously the attachment parenting is in the eye of the beholder. I'm not going with "if the kid turns.out great the attachment worked. If he turns out poorly the parents were doing it wrong". That's a standard every business would love to adopt. It doesn't work like that.

[Indoorvoice]

I have a BIG problem with the sixth B. You should never advise a parent to dismiss other sleep training methods. To me, if you are going to do bullet points you shouldn't include "don't buy other people's stuff" It decreases their credibility.

If there is a method that takes a few days of discomfort but nets a solid deep sleep night after night, month after month, year after year.... you should at least hear them out.

And that's OK! As with any parenting style, you take what works for your family and leave the rest! I tried CIO with my first for weeks when transitioning to daycare and it didn't work for her. She was so stubborn she could stay up all night screaming. Luckily, she played hard at daycare and didn't have trouble sleeping there so we ditched CIO and went back to her sleeping in the pack n play in my room until she was ready to be in her room.

[Indoorvoice]

How was my method rigid? My kids babyhood was easy as Sunday morning. I'm very good at taking care of infants. It's what I "do".

Obviously the attachment parenting is in the eye of the beholder. I'm not going with "if the kid turns.out great the attachment worked. If he turns out poorly the parents were doing it wrong". That's a standard every business would love to adopt. It doesn't work like that.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off disrespectful with the rigid comment. I just didn't have a better word at the time. I have no idea what your style was like, I just assumed that you tend to stick to schedules more and that is all I meant my rigid. Not cold or mean as I'm sure that came off. Sorry about that.

I do agree with you about not accepting that the parent was just doing it wrong. But couldn't you say that about any parenting style? I mean, why single out attachment parenting? Plenty of people turn out great despite awful circumstances, and plenty of people turn out bad despite having the best parents possible.

And really, no disrespect Nanny! I hope you know that. I'm enjoying our discussion

[Sugar Magnolia]

Mother Nature,

"....but babies that cannot self soothe, it's not ideal to enroll in group care"

I think that is close to an exact quote!

This exactly! Good post overall, but that quote really stood out to me as the most relevant thing in this thread. I think it is fine for parent(s) who are able to stay at home and provide this type of parenting. But group care is sooooo different. I have a little guy now who is struggling with transition to daycare because he is used to one on one care, A P style. It's been tough on us both, but we're making progress with learning self soothe, and not being carried or held all the time and sleeping in a crib.

[NightOwl]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off disrespectful with the rigid comment. I just didn't have a better word at the time. I have no idea what your style was like, I just assumed that you tend to stick to schedules more and that is all I meant my rigid. Not cold or mean as I'm sure that came off. Sorry about that.

I do agree with you about not accepting that the parent was just doing it wrong. But couldn't you say that about any parenting style? I mean, why single out attachment parenting? Plenty of people turn out great despite awful circumstances, and plenty of people turn out bad despite having the best parents possible.

And really, no disrespect Nanny! I hope you know that. I'm enjoying our discussion

Agreed. I am the product of the exact same household as my brother and sister. HOWEVER, we are so drastically different in our parenting styles, in our attitudes, in our work ethics, and in the fact that they both are quite narcissistic and self involved. I have no idea, most days, how we three were cut from the same cloth.

[NightOwl]

WOW. 96 comments on one topic AND on a holiday weekend! We really need to get lives. Lo.

[nannyde]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off disrespectful with the rigid comment. I just didn't have a better word at the time. I have no idea what your style was like, I just assumed that you tend to stick to schedules more and that is all I meant my rigid. Not cold or mean as I'm sure that came off. Sorry about that.

I do agree with you about not accepting that the parent was just doing it wrong. But couldn't you say that about any parenting style? I mean, why single out attachment parenting? Plenty of people turn out great despite awful circumstances, and plenty of people turn out bad despite having the best parents possible.

And really, no disrespect Nanny! I hope you know that. I'm enjoying our discussion

I didn't read it as disrespectful at ALL. I just wanted to clarify that there are other methods that net sleeping babies without being rigid.

I was lucky to pull it off so young but I had a very big baby. He's turning 14 and is already 6 foot tall. I couldn't have carried that moose around if I wanted to. I would be on disability now.

I wouldn't have put up with a baby who could leg up over the side of the crib (which were deep in those days) being up all night. I couldn't. I had to work. Before he was six weeks I fed him on the schedule of my evening kids departure. That way I could sleep in between.

He slept 10 to 5 and then over weeks to come I added fifteen minutes on each end. He slept a twelve hour night by the time he was six months or so. 7 to 7.

[Blackcat31]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off disrespectful with the rigid comment. I just didn't have a better word at the time. I have no idea what your style was like, I just assumed that you tend to stick to schedules more and that is all I meant my rigid. Not cold or mean as I'm sure that came off. Sorry about that.

I do agree with you about not accepting that the parent was just doing it wrong. But couldn't you say that about any parenting style? I mean, why single out attachment parenting? Plenty of people turn out great despite awful circumstances, and plenty of people turn out bad despite having the best parents possible.

And really, no disrespect Nanny! I hope you know that. I'm enjoying our discussion

Because it's the one that is currently on blue light special.

It's the method being "requested" by parents of children in group care

Because so many parents ARE doing it wrong

Because it supposedly is "best"

In my eyes, it's just a label. Something the parents can say they are participating in/practicing/part of..... it goes back to the root of wanting to "belong" IMO.

To me, it's the same approach my grand parents took, my parents took and I took in raising our children.

Know your child
Understand their unique personalities
Do what works for THAT child.

Only difference was, that parenting style/approach/technique didn't have a fancy name.

It was just called parenting.

[Angelsj]

Ok but in that example, those parents are not practicing attachment parenting. That is just passive parenting. Passive parenting does not equal attachment parenting and I think from the many examples you have provided, you are confusing the two. Here are the very basics of attachment parenting: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/par...t-ap-7-baby-bs

I don't know how passive that is. It sounds like a LOT of work!! It also is allowing your child to inconvenience others, and that goes against the basics of justice. (I am not referring to your link. I haven't read that yet.)

[Indoorvoice]

I didn't read it as disrespectful at ALL. I just wanted to clarify that there are other methods that net sleeping babies without being rigid.

I was lucky to pull it off so young but I had a very big baby. He's turning 14 and is already 6 foot tall. I couldn't have carried that moose around if I wanted to. I would be on disability now.

I wouldn't have put up with a baby who could leg up over the side of the crib (which were deep in those days) being up all night. I couldn't. I had to work. Before he was six weeks I fed him on the schedule of my evening kids departure. That way I could sleep in between.

He slept 10 to 5 and then over weeks to come I added fifteen minutes on each end. He slept a twelve hour night by the time he was six months or so. 7 to 7.

That's great! True proof that each parent needs to do what works for them. It's not the ONLY way to teach a baby how to sleep through the night though. I too had to work and tried cio. I couldn't handle the incessant screaming at night so I chose to keep my babies in my room (in a pack n play). They slept great there and we gradually moved them to their own rooms and I didn't have to do cio.

I know your ultimate goal of this thread wasnt to have a debate about AP. I agree that it is tough to replicate in daycare. That is why as providers we do interviews to make sure the family fits with our views and practices.

I guess I just wanted to point out that I don't think there is any one style or set of practices that will always 100% of the time net great kids. So much more goes into it. Socioeconomic status, location, number of siblings, age of parents, medications, etc, etc... All plays a part in how smart and well behaved a child turns out. Obviously your ways work great for you, but another parent might use the same techniques and have a terrible child. Just because it works for you, doesn't mean it will work for everyone and just because you have seen success doesn't mean it is the only way that works.

[Heidi]

I really didn't want to post this, because it sounds snotty and horrible, but you keep asking the question, so I will respond. Please forgive how it sounds, because I am not a snotty person. Just stating for your research.

I did AP for my son, now 6. I did not join any forums or communities. As I stated, I took what worked for us and ditched the rest, but I followed it relatively closey, while also following my mother's intuition.

I have the child you are talking about. People stop me all the time - I'm not kidding - to tell me how sweet, kind, well-adjusted, and smart he is. He is a favorite of every teacher he has had, and they all keep in touch with him. His teacher from 2 years ago actually makes "play dates" with him. Yes, I go too. They play at the park for an hour once every three or four months. Nothing weird, I promise. They are just close. His previous daycare providers all keep in touch. Not with me, with him. The secretary and principal of the school love him. Everyone in church loves him. People I don't even know come up to me to give him Easter and Christmas presents because they say he is such a wonderful boy. Caring, giving, sweet.

I actually got into daycare earlier this year because last year a family member paid me a huge compliment. She said, "I would like to know if you would watch my infant daughter for me. From watching your son, I want my daughter to have the upbringing he did, and if I can't be there, then I want you to watch her for me."

So ... Is this the effects of AP? I believe some of it is. My son is very secure because be knew from a very early age that his needs would be met. No need to worry. Does that mean he never has a stress in his life? Nope. We have plenty, and we handle them. In his short life, he has moved 4 times, twice cross country leaving family and friends. It wasn't easy - but he felt safe, even in the midst of loss and confusion.

AP is not a true form of parenting. It is a way to react, most of the time, proactively, to a child. AP must be done also with good parenting, IMO. They are two different things.

I am in no way stating I am the ultimate parent. But something worked well and I did AP, so I don't think it's fair to say that AP kids are spoiled, rotten, and can't adjust.

Likewise, I don't want to sound snotty, either. Your sons sounds like a sweetie, and clearly has a wonderful mommy.

On the "flip side" of that coin, I have had 4 of my own children (ages 13-24), who were definately NOT raised in the AP style. Whether it was laziness or philosophy on my part, I always wanted my own children to fit into our world; not make the world fit around them. Of course, the first few months, I fed on demand, and they napped according to their schedules. But, I found out with my first that pretty quickly, if put down awake in their own beds on their own time, they developed patterns.

I, too, have been complimented many times over on how well adjusted and happy my young children were. When I had to put my almost 2 year old in an aquaintances' daycare for two weeks (until she turned 2) to stay in my ratios (new kiddo starting), she spent an hour in the toddler room, and then was moved to the preschool room. The provider could not believe how self-sufficient she was! When my sons were in the same classroom the in their open-classroom program, other parents asked "what is your secret; they get along so well!"

I have to say for me, things did change once they got to a traditional classroom. My independent, self-sufficient, happy preschoolers and grade-schoolers (we moved) became non-conforming, non-producing students. Every one of them shut down under the structure of "sit down and do what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it".

My oldest two both graduated from and on-line public school, both a couple months early. My youngest two are in a charter project based middle and high school, and that seems to be working a lot better for them. For the most part, they are all independent thinkers, creative, a little weird. My second one just finished 4 years on the Army (Sniper), and is now starting college to become a doctor (we'll see). He hated the structure of the Army (hurry up and wait), but it was a means-to-and-end. He wanted adventure and to get college money.

So, that's an outcome for you, Nan. It's the outcome of NON-AP parenting.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I just don't see this epidemic of spoiled kids. Yeah, I see SOME kids that are snotty, disrespectful and spoiled. I also see many more good kids who do act right, behave and show respect for adults and teachers.

Same with adults. Go visit Miami, you will find some pushy, entitled, obnoxious adults there. They are easy to spot. But you are going to see many friendly, normal people
too, they just aren't as easy to spot.

Same with life in general. There's good, there's bad, there's beautiful, there's ugly.

Seriously now...aren't most parents "attached" to their kids? The name itself implies "hey some parents AREN'T attached to their kids, or their kids are not attached to them." I'm attached to my kids, but I didn't co sleep or breast feed, sooooo......I'm not a good parent then? Whatever.

Some kids behave , some don't. Some adults behave well, some don't. I don't need to see any stats on the success of AP to tell me that.

[Laurel]

I just don't see this epidemic of spoiled kids. Yeah, I see SOME kids that are snotty, disrespectful and spoiled. I also see many more good kids who do act right, behave and show respect for adults and teachers.

Same with adults. Go visit Miami, you will find some pushy, entitled, obnoxious adults there. They are easy to spot. But you are going to see many friendly, normal people
too, they just aren't as easy to spot.

Same with life in general. There's good, there's bad, there's beautiful, there's ugly.

Seriously now...aren't most parents "attached" to their kids? The name itself implies "hey some parents AREN'T attached to their kids, or their kids are not attached to them." I'm attached to my kids, but I didn't co sleep or breast feed, sooooo......I'm not a good parent then? Whatever.

Some kids behave , some don't. Some adults behave well, some don't. I don't need to see any stats on the success of AP to tell me that.

Well said. I agree. I haven't seen an epidemic of spoiled kids either. I wonder what all the fuss is about.

Laurel

[Sugar Magnolia]

Well said. I agree. I haven't seen an epidemic of spoiled kids either. I wonder what all the fuss is about.

Laurel

Laurel, I thought you might be busting my chops over the Miami comment.::
People behave badly everywhere.::