I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers

[Familycare71]

Whenever women talk about money, especially when it comes to the care of children, there is always the perception that there is some kind of emotional problem. That makes me LAUGH my arse off.

Just because we are talking about the WORK and BUSINESS of taking care of kids it does NOT mean we can't talk about MONEY every step of the way. It's OKAY to talk about MONEY. It's okay to associate the WORK and TIME of this business directly about MONEY. It's done in every single other child related business.

Every single piece of equipment, piece of clothing, bib, pacifier, bottle, sheet, crib, car seat.... every single good that is related to children there are legions of people who talk about MONEY as the product is developed, manufactured, shipped, and sold.

There's nobody at Graco telling them that they shouldn't discuss MONEY because the products they sell are for the BAYYYYBEEES. If Eddie Bauer didn't have MONEY discussions they wouldn't be able to sell car seats.

Why can't we? Why are we the ONE group who can't put MONEY into the conversation as THE topic that must be dealt with FIRST before anything else works? Every other business does that serves kids.

Oh I know... it's because we are a bunch of WOMEN and we should love first then take whatever scraps of money that is sent our way to feed, clothe, and house OUR kids.

I'm not burnt out. I make a GREAT living. I don't allow emotional words like "burnt out" and "it's not about the money" phase me. Just like I said before... we have heard it ALL before. You have the SAME words. You have the SAME inflection. You have the SAME message. You haven't come up with a single phrase or idea that hasn't been jammed down our throats our entire career. We've heard it all and it is just that... WORDS.

When you want to actually TALK money then we can explain money. If you want us to do it for love... well you have to find somebody who is selling something else. I have the pleasure to make money and love. I know better than to get into something where I don't make money to cause me not to love my work. I get paid a fair wage in all my endeavors. My clients are business folks too... they get money. They may not understand day care money when they come to me but they do by the third interview. They want me to be prosperous. They want me to be happy. I'm happy being prosperous even though I'm a mere girl.

happyface happyface happyface

[Familycare71]

I don't think she is burnt out, either. I think she is OVER parents attempting to dictate her time and resources and tell her how she should run her business. I think she is blunt enough to say it how it is, without sugar coating it and fluffing it up. But burnt out, I don't think so.

Honestly, the kids do NOT wear me out. I can DO kids. I like kids. I LOVE my job.

The parents wear me out. Day in, day out, failing to do their job and then attempting to transfer that issue on to me. "Joe wouldn't go to bed last night so Joe will need an early nap." Well, I have 5 other kids who do NOT need an early nap. That will NOT work for me. kwim? Not bringing supplies so that I can do MY job with their child. Having to send home newsletters that require a signature and date because grown adults don't have an idea what 'acceptable clothing for outdoor play' means without a friggin checklist? Dope and drop? Rudeness and disrespect? The entire generation of NON parenting and MY CHILD CAN NEVER CRY. It isn't realistic and if you WANT individual and special for your child....stay home or get a nanny. Individual and special to NOT equate to group care.

[Unregistered]

OP here

OP also mentioned she does not have to work outside the home, she chooses to. That is a very privileged place to be and many times, makes a parent quite demanding. They know the provider is in desperate need of the income the parents provide (OP did say that) and that they themselves do not feel that same desperation to make this situation work (she also implied that) and the dynamics here create an imbalance of power. The parent knows that the provider will do a lot of one-on-one attention and hand holding in order to keep the income flowing. Obviously this other provider is doing this for the money. but that whole scenario is not something the OP is living with and it is hard to understand what that is like if you are not there. It is a very "first world problem" to be so fortunate that all your needs are met, probably many of your wants, and you have nothing more urgent on your plate to than to scrutinize every cry from your child.

I don't know that she's in desperate need of income; her house is much bigger than mine. Her cars are nicer than mine. The interior of her house is WAY better than mine. I live in a POS because I don't like to spend money on where I live. It's got holes in the ceilings from everything leaking, the carpet smelled of puke when we moved in, and a lot of the cabinets don't have doors. It's in the worst part of town. I don't own a tv. I don't have an ipad, iphone, or even a phone with a data plan. We don't make that much money but I have money to spend because I don't buy those things and my mortgage is cheap because we bought a pos that was repossessed. I'm sure they make more money then we do. Especially now that I quit my regular job to go back to school. But she does show an obvious want for money. I only take my daughter twice a week for four hours but she asked that I pay the fee for full time. Fine. I'll pay what she wants. I'm not worried about it being "fair." My daughter might not even be going technically full time, 35 hours/week, but I will still pay the full time price because I originally agreed to that. I plan on giving her a week's pay as a bonus over xmas, and we also pay for her time off. It might be that I've recognized a small weakness in her want of money but she too might recognize that I have no problem spending it if that's what motivates her. So in a way I feel we're pretty compatible.

[Unregistered]

Dear unregistered OP, wherever you are...

I just read your last post that says your daughter is "very part-time".

I understand that you are looking for a long slow adjustment period. While that may *seem*' like an easy gentle way to ease her in, it is actually MUCH MUCH harder. A long, slow, drawn out process that doesn't leave her in daycare enough back to back days to get used to it, is going to be harder on everyone. If she starts to adjust after 1/2 days, and then she is home with you for a few days, she is going to completely lose all of the adjusting she did during the daycare days, (this is why a lot of providers don't take part-time infants). It is going to be turbulent. To me finding out that she is "very part-time" gave me a huge "No, wonder she is having a hard time".

Much like the staying for hours at the provider's home. It just makes things harder in the long run. You still have to get them used to being at daycare without you.

As much as you are going to hate to hear it, you need to start her full-time (whenever you do), and then give it a month of going full-time. And then see how she is doing.

As far as helping your provider figure out your baby, that is something the provider needs to do by herself. She has her own style, which isn't and shouldn't be the same as yours - and she needs to figure out how she is going to respond to baby. I know she is your little girl and special in your own eyes, but no baby is so special/different that the provider needs to be taught/shown how to care for them. The provider will do it her way, and she and baby will both adjust to each other.

Please please please do not keep baby "very part-time", she will never adjust with that type of schedule. Full immersion is BY FAR the best way to get her to adjust.

Well that ****s. A friend of mine suggested I do that. It's what she does with her kids. I can see how it's making it harder for my lg, though. I think it is best to start her full time next week. Just rip the band aide off! that's gonna be so hard.

Thank you all for your comments. I decided not to ask to stay. And today I dropped the "rescuer" mentality. I dropped her off and left. Usually I sit in the car for awhile to see if I can hear her cry. Sometimes I'll drive back by later on to see if I hear her cry. But I've stopped all that. I haven't gotten a text from the provider this afternoon again so I'm sure she's crying but I'm sitting at home. Blah. I started with one foot in the door but now realize that I was just creating more problems. If I'm going to find out if this works I have to back off. I hate that she's going through this but I realized that by rescuing her, hovering, worrying when I leave, that I'm not only creating anxiety in the provider (maybe) but I'm also not showing that much faith in my own daughter. I think my behavior is sending out signals that she's weak and can't cope, and maybe I thought that. She's little, but she's smart.

I love my provider and know she'll do everything she can do make my lg happy. That was never the question. I guess the real doubt was if my daughter could respond to her cues. I think at the heart of all my worry was that I had no faith in my own daughter.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh, here is the link to the article I read suggesting I stay to help her adjust:

http://www.ivillage.com/babies-dealing-day-care-separation/6-n-137358

In the article is says, "The caregiver can observe your interactions with your child and you and the caregiver can begin building the strong partnership which will form the basis of quality, consistent care for your child."

Guess not!! haha

[daycarediva]

Well that ****s. A friend of mine suggested I do that. It's what she does with her kids. I can see how it's making it harder for my lg, though. I think it is best to start her full time next week. Just rip the band aide off! that's gonna be so hard.

Thank you all for your comments. I decided not to ask to stay. And today I dropped the "rescuer" mentality. I dropped her off and left. Usually I sit in the car for awhile to see if I can hear her cry. Sometimes I'll drive back by later on to see if I hear her cry. But I've stopped all that. I haven't gotten a text from the provider this afternoon again so I'm sure she's crying but I'm sitting at home. Blah. I started with one foot in the door but now realize that I was just creating more problems. If I'm going to find out if this works I have to back off. I hate that she's going through this but I realized that by rescuing her, hovering, worrying when I leave, that I'm not only creating anxiety in the provider (maybe) but I'm also not showing that much faith in my own daughter. I think my behavior is sending out signals that she's weak and can't cope, and maybe I thought that. She's little, but she's smart.

I love my provider and know she'll do everything she can do make my lg happy. That was never the question. I guess the real doubt was if my daughter could respond to her cues. I think at the heart of all my worry was that I had no faith in my own daughter.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh, here is the link to the article I read suggesting I stay to help her adjust:

http://www.ivillage.com/babies-dealing-day-care-separation/6-n-137358

In the article is says, "The caregiver can observe your interactions with your child and you and the caregiver can begin building the strong partnership which will form the basis of quality, consistent care for your child."

Guess not!! haha

Great job!!!!!! I do disagree with the article. Just because I see you interact with your child, doesn't mean I need to interact in the same way. I come up with my own little nicknames for the children in my care and we have our own special things to talk about and bond over.

As far as the $$$ goes- it's standard in my area to charge a flat rate per space especially for high demand infant spaces. It's also standard to charge for paid holidays, and the daycare rates in my area are high. One month for one ft child is right around my mortgage payment.

I do make a decent living, but I also genuinely care for and love my day care children. You can have both.

[julie]

OP here



I don't know that she's in desperate need of income; her house is much bigger than mine. Her cars are nicer than mine. The interior of her house is WAY better than mine. I live in a POS because I don't like to spend money on where I live. It's got holes in the ceilings from everything leaking, the carpet smelled of puke when we moved in, and a lot of the cabinets don't have doors. It's in the worst part of town. I don't own a tv. I don't have an ipad, iphone, or even a phone with a data plan. We don't make that much money but I have money to spend because I don't buy those things and my mortgage is cheap because we bought a pos that was repossessed. I'm sure they make more money then we do. Especially now that I quit my regular job to go back to school. But she does show an obvious want for money. I only take my daughter twice a week for four hours but she asked that I pay the fee for full time. Fine. I'll pay what she wants. I'm not worried about it being "fair." My daughter might not even be going technically full time, 35 hours/week, but I will still pay the full time price because I originally agreed to that. I plan on giving her a week's pay as a bonus over xmas, and we also pay for her time off. It might be that I've recognized a small weakness in her want of money but she too might recognize that I have no problem spending it if that's what motivates her. So in a way I feel we're pretty compatible.

Never mind. You have decided not to stay, so my comment is null and void.

[TwinKristi]

I'm glad you're giving them a chance! I hope she has a great day today.

[Unregistered]

I'm glad you're giving them a chance! I hope she has a great day today.

She did have a great day, thanks! When I picked her up I tried so hard to bite my tongue and not ask, "Did she cry?" But I asked .

[Unregistered]

Great job!!!!!! I do disagree with the article. Just because I see you interact with your child, doesn't mean I need to interact in the same way. I come up with my own little nicknames for the children in my care and we have our own special things to talk about and bond over.

Ya, that thought never crossed my mind. I was pretty sure the provider needed to be a carbon copy of me!! haha. I'm sure my OH is going to appreciate my new-found perspective, too, since I nag him to no end!

[cheerfuldom]

Well that ****s. A friend of mine suggested I do that. It's what she does with her kids. I can see how it's making it harder for my lg, though. I think it is best to start her full time next week. Just rip the band aide off! that's gonna be so hard.

Thank you all for your comments. I decided not to ask to stay. And today I dropped the "rescuer" mentality. I dropped her off and left. Usually I sit in the car for awhile to see if I can hear her cry. Sometimes I'll drive back by later on to see if I hear her cry. But I've stopped all that. I haven't gotten a text from the provider this afternoon again so I'm sure she's crying but I'm sitting at home. Blah. I started with one foot in the door but now realize that I was just creating more problems. If I'm going to find out if this works I have to back off. I hate that she's going through this but I realized that by rescuing her, hovering, worrying when I leave, that I'm not only creating anxiety in the provider (maybe) but I'm also not showing that much faith in my own daughter. I think my behavior is sending out signals that she's weak and can't cope, and maybe I thought that. She's little, but she's smart.

I love my provider and know she'll do everything she can do make my lg happy. That was never the question. I guess the real doubt was if my daughter could respond to her cues. I think at the heart of all my worry was that I had no faith in my own daughter.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh, here is the link to the article I read suggesting I stay to help her adjust:

http://www.ivillage.com/babies-dealing-day-care-separation/6-n-137358

In the article is says, "The caregiver can observe your interactions with your child and you and the caregiver can begin building the strong partnership which will form the basis of quality, consistent care for your child."

Guess not!! haha

The "article" is essentially a blog post. There is no author named nor any research sited. I am not saying that all of it is wrong, just that it is not a reliable source. It is basically one mom in cyber world, if it is even written by a mom, that gives out some thoughts. Its about as reliable as Wikipedia, which is not reliable at all.

it is the same as you posting here for random people to chime in.....except here there are multiple people who have replied that have 10 or even 20 years experience in parenting and caring for other children.

I am glad you are giving things a shot and backing off. I would absolutely be nervous as a provider to know that mom was waiting outside to hear if baby was crying, driving by to see if she heard something....wow. I can't imagine that your provider did not notice that and I am very glad you stopped that behavior.

Hope it all works out!

[wonderfullisa]

As a fcc who often has a very full lap at naptime, this explains a lot of my reasoning. But don't get me wrong.. I love that my newest dcb can just be laid down in a pnp and will go to sleep. But my heart can't take the crying that probably happened to get him to that state.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

[Blackcat31]

As a fcc who often has a very full lap at naptime, this explains a lot of my reasoning. But don't get me wrong.. I love that my newest dcb can just be laid down in a pnp and will go to sleep. But my heart can't take the crying that probably happened to get him to that state.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-crying-it-out

I'm sorry but I don't buy what that article is saying one bit.

It is basically saying a baby should never cry. :confused:

Seriously?

It also states that a baby that cries excessively has an inexperienced, unsupportive or unknowledgeable caregiver.

I know plenty of babies that cried even though ALL their needs were met.

I don't think infants should be dropped into a crib and simply left to cry alone and scared. That isn't at all how CIO is suppose to be used/applied.

It is a method of lengthening the time in which a parent responds to the child so that the child can learn how to wait, figure out their own methods of self-soothing.

Self-soothing needs to be taught....and sometimes that means the baby WILL cry.

[CedarCreek]

As a fcc who often has a very full lap at naptime, this explains a lot of my reasoning. But don't get me wrong.. I love that my newest dcb can just be laid down in a pnp and will go to sleep. But my heart can't take the crying that probably happened to get him to that state.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-crying-it-out

My youngest laid in his crib and went straight to sleep since day 1. We never did CIO with him.

Not that I'm against it.

[saved4always]

Well that ****s. A friend of mine suggested I do that. It's what she does with her kids. I can see how it's making it harder for my lg, though. I think it is best to start her full time next week. Just rip the band aide off! that's gonna be so hard.

Thank you all for your comments. I decided not to ask to stay. And today I dropped the "rescuer" mentality. I dropped her off and left. Usually I sit in the car for awhile to see if I can hear her cry. Sometimes I'll drive back by later on to see if I hear her cry. But I've stopped all that. I haven't gotten a text from the provider this afternoon again so I'm sure she's crying but I'm sitting at home. Blah. I started with one foot in the door but now realize that I was just creating more problems. If I'm going to find out if this works I have to back off. I hate that she's going through this but I realized that by rescuing her, hovering, worrying when I leave, that I'm not only creating anxiety in the provider (maybe) but I'm also not showing that much faith in my own daughter. I think my behavior is sending out signals that she's weak and can't cope, and maybe I thought that. She's little, but she's smart.

I love my provider and know she'll do everything she can do make my lg happy. That was never the question. I guess the real doubt was if my daughter could respond to her cues. I think at the heart of all my worry was that I had no faith in my own daughter.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh, here is the link to the article I read suggesting I stay to help her adjust:

http://www.ivillage.com/babies-dealing-day-care-separation/6-n-137358

In the article is says, "The caregiver can observe your interactions with your child and you and the caregiver can begin building the strong partnership which will form the basis of quality, consistent care for your child."

Guess not!! haha

It sounds like you are making a great start. It is hard leaving your baby and worrying about what is going on when you are not there. You would eventually drive yourself crazy with all that sitting in the drive and standing outside the door listening for crying. Ripping the band-aid off definitely hurts in the moment but I think your baby will adjust faster and you will feel more comfortable faster in just doing it. It sounds like you like and trust your provider. Give it some time and you and your little sweetie will both be more comfortable.

[saved4always]

The "article" is essentially a blog post. There is no author named nor any research sited. I am not saying that all of it is wrong, just that it is not a reliable source. It is basically one mom in cyber world, if it is even written by a mom, that gives out some thoughts. Its about as reliable as Wikipedia, which is not reliable at all.

it is the same as you posting here for random people to chime in.....except here there are multiple people who have replied that have 10 or even 20 years experience in parenting and caring for other children.

I am glad you are giving things a shot and backing off. I would absolutely be nervous as a provider to know that mom was waiting outside to hear if baby was crying, driving by to see if she heard something....wow. I can't imagine that your provider did not notice that and I am very glad you stopped that behavior.

Hope it all works out!

You definitely have to be careful about blogs. One of my son's friends is a new mom. Her baby is one year old and I think she is 21 years old. Maybe younger. She has her own blog. She writes everything with great authority from her vast personal experience with parenting. I am sure there are other moms out there taking her opinions as gospel since she has her own blog. It is the danger of this internet age that anyone can print their opinions as fact without research or experience to back it.