Attachment Parenting Has Been On My Mind

[Annalee]

I'm AA and i would say 10 yrs ago not as much. But now I'm seeing it. It seems the younger the parent (early to mid twenties) the more I notice. I had my DD when I was 21. I didn't know such a thing exsited. My mom told me that if I walk around carrying her all day/night, I'd never be able to put her down. I had friends who did that and they had to take their kid to the bathroom with them because they would scream bloody murder. They never had a minute to breathe.

We accept AP children. But because we have more staff to rotate taking care of baby, it's not as stressful for us. The parents have to get on board because we can't provide one on one care.

My fcc program has several AP or what I consider high-maintenance kids right now....I think high-maintenance is becoming the norm?? while I can/do make it work it becomes frustrating at times because I feel so much time is spent telling kids "if you are going make faces like that, go look in the mirror", if you are going to cry-pout like that, go to the cozy cube". "screaming loudly hurts mine and the other children's ears".....YES, these things work with consistency, but some of these kids have massive amounts of tactics to TRY to get their way and it can take some time.....Parents would be in shock to know Johnny and Susie follow the rules till they walk in to pick them up for the day. I saw a grandma the other day and she honestly asked me how I got her grandson dcb4 to stop climbing on her furniture????? He doesn't climb on my furniture, but I really think she didn't believe me. I have had moms call at night to ask why I didn't put johnny's coat on when he went outside because he got cold only for me to reply we didn't go outside but who did the mom believe? Had a client call this past week to ask for an interview for a spot open right now and I set up a time only for her to say "well I can come but I can tell you right now I am not paying till I am ready to pay in August"....so the parent's are high-maintenance, too wanting things their way but she didn't even get the interview with me....I guess I could have introduced her to the cozy cube and let her figure out how she felt! ::

[Annalee]

The whole "NO cry" thing, isn't this going to create a world of little monsters? These children won't know how to deal with disappointment, frustration, hurt feelings, because they're never allowed to experience it. I understand wanting your baby to be happy and content. But this will never teach them to deal with life's hardships. They won't have a concept of fairness because they've never had to compromise. They won't know what to do with themselves on that first day of kinder because they think they should have their own adult who caters to every whim just so there's no crying. They won't know how to negotiate because everything has always just appeared before them on a silver ap platter. They won't know how to handle conflict because they've literally never witnessed such a thing. Please tell me if I'm way off base, but I can't imagine what these children will actually be like when they've never had a single worry or care in the world because ap mommy has always jumped to the rescue to prevent it.

I think society will have a selfish group of kids that do not know how to deal with life issues.....actually serious issues like death/sickness/finances/ could really alter their life emotionally to the point they can't function unless someone literally tells them what to do! Don't get me wrong, I believe in support systems from family and friends, but a piece of the inner being has to function to survive!

[Bookworm]

I grow weary of the "doing it wrong" attached to the kids that are violent and nasty. This mom is absolutely practicing AP from your description.

I hate all the words that get tossed around in this type of debate. If a family has a kid that they are strict with and they have them self soothe, go to bed on their own, cio, are down on the floor and not carried but net a calm, stable baby who sleeps well, eats well, and self entertains then the baby is depressed with learned helplessness while in shut down mode.

When an AP kid is violent, hateful, demanding, won't sleep, won't play independently and cries with every no then the parent must be doing it wrong.... meaning that isn't an AP kid.

Your kid IS an AP kid. The kids I told stories about above ARE AP kids. Their mothers claim it.

Nanny, when I said doing it wrong, i meant in relation to whatever book they're reading. .

[nannyde]

Nanny, when I said doing it wrong, i meant in relation to whatever book they're reading. .

Oh I see.

[NightOwl]

I think society will have a selfish group of kids that do not know how to deal with life issues.....actually serious issues like death/sickness/finances/ could really alter their life emotionally to the point they can't function unless someone literally tells them what to do! Don't get me wrong, I believe in support systems from family and friends, but a piece of the inner being has to function to survive!

What she said! ^^^^^^^

[nannyde]

Cheer great post.

I watched a segment on the View with Dr Sears and he professed that the kids who were the kindest, most compassionate, never bullies, sunflowers pointed toward the sun were the kidsrraised in Attachment Parenting. It really got to me.

I just am stuck with the notion that this style has become so popular for so long that by now those of us who don't profit off of it should be able to spot these kids a mile away. The teacher, the church ladies, the child care providers, the lunch ladies etc... would know these kids as THE most well behaved, kind, gentle, smart, funny, others thinking kids.

I think it is human nature to ASK a parent who has an amazing kid "how did you do it?". Your kid is SUCH a nice kid... tell me how to do THAT.

These kids SHOULD be making an HUGE impression on society. They should stand out and rise above the kids who weren't offered this childhood. We, as child care providers, should be jumping for joy when a potential client tells us they are attachment parents. At parent teacher conferences the teachers should be asking the cream of the crop parents what they did to bring up such phenomenal sun flowers. School principals should be reporting to the school board that they aren't having to deal with behavioral issues from kids parented this way. Test scores should reflect the claimed increase in intelligence.

The parents are saying these kids are stellar children. The ones selling it are saying that. From where I sit, I don't see the folks RECEIVING these kids into society saying it. I wonder why?

By now..... the outcomes of these kids should be as well known as The Kardashians.

I don't think the average provider jumps for joy when the parent claims they are an attachment parent. I don't think coaches appreciate this style of parenting. I can't think of a single receiving group that would choose these kids over non attachment raised kids.

[midaycare]

The whole "NO cry" thing, isn't this going to create a world of little monsters? These children won't know how to deal with disappointment, frustration, hurt feelings, because they're never allowed to experience it. I understand wanting your baby to be happy and content. But this will never teach them to deal with life's hardships. They won't have a concept of fairness because they've never had to compromise. They won't know what to do with themselves on that first day of kinder because they think they should have their own adult who caters to every whim just so there's no crying. They won't know how to negotiate because everything has always just appeared before them on a silver ap platter. They won't know how to handle conflict because they've literally never witnessed such a thing. Please tell me if I'm way off base, but I can't imagine what these children will actually be like when they've never had a single worry or care in the world because ap mommy has always jumped to the rescue to prevent it.

I think there is a difference between AP parenting of a baby and a toddler/young child. I did some aspects of AP for my son the first 12 months. One of those was the no-cry. And I never let him cry at night, even after that.

If a baby cries, it's for a reason. I don't believe babies are capable of manipulation. They want food, a new diaper, sleep. Once my DS reached a year, I felt he was really secure knowing he would always have his needs met, so I let him cry when I felt it was okay.

Co-sleeping was something we did on and off. Until he was 4, he would often sneak in our bed at night. It didn't bother us. We have a huge bed. At age 4, we kicked him out. Too uncomfortable as he was becoming a restless sleeper.

[Indoorvoice]

I don't think AP has to be synonymous with "no cry". I think that is what most AP parents have taken from this unfortunately and is giving AP parenting a bad name. New parents aren't doing ALL the research and only taking bits and pieces from the whole theory. I consider my parenting style to be AP , but it was my understanding that as an AP parent, I needed to gradually teach my children how to accept no and how to handle situations that made them upset. For the first month, yes, I responded to every single cry. After the first month, I started putting the baby down for a few minutes to do a chore or go to the bathroom and tell her that I would pick her up as soon as I was done. I would always pick the baby up soon after. Slowly, I lengthened the time it took me to do things so that baby could handle being out of my sight for 15 minutes or so. Both of my girls learned that they didn't need to cry because I would be there in a few minutes. I did cosleep at night, but taught them how to sleep in their cribs for naps since I knew they had to go to daycare eventually. Yes, they cried and I responded, but my response was to hush them and put them back to their crib. When researching AP, I didn't associate it with "no cry", but rather with responding when they DO cry right away. The response doesn't have to be to give them whatever they want, but rather to show them that you are there to meet their NEEDS and not necessarily their DESIRES. Both of my children went to a home daycare and did fine even though my provider was not into AP. And now that my girls are 1 and 3, I feel like AP looks much different than it did when they were infants.

Obviously, it will be hard to see positive results from this parenting style while so many parents interpret it and practice it differently.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Cheer great post.

I watched a segment on the View with Dr Sears and he professed that the kids who were the kindest, most compassionate, never bullies, sunflowers pointed toward the sun were the kidsrraised in Attachment Parenting. It really got to me.

I just am stuck with the notion that this style has become so popular for so long that by now those of us who don't profit off of it should be able to spot these kids a mile away. The teacher, the church ladies, the child care providers, the lunch ladies etc... would know these kids as THE most well behaved, kind, gentle, smart, funny, others thinking kids.

I think it is human nature to ASK a parent who has an amazing kid "how did you do it?". Your kid is SUCH a nice kid... tell me how to do THAT.

These kids SHOULD be making an HUGE impression on society. They should stand out and rise above the kids who weren't offered this childhood. We, as child care providers, should be jumping for joy when a potential client tells us they are attachment parents. At parent teacher conferences the teachers should be asking the cream of the crop parents what they did to bring up such phenomenal sun flowers. School principals should be reporting to the school board that they aren't having to deal with behavioral issues from kids parented this way. Test scores should reflect the claimed increase in intelligence.

The parents are saying these kids are stellar children. The ones selling it are saying that. From where I sit, I don't see the folks RECEIVING these kids into society saying it. I wonder why?

By now..... the outcomes of these kids should be as well known as The Kardashians.

I don't think the average provider jumps for joy when the parent claims they are an attachment parent. I don't think coaches appreciate this style of parenting. I can't think of a single receiving group that would choose these kids over non attachment raised kids.

My bossiest bully kids (baby boss childs) are all AP kids. Strict AP...not just somewhat AP. Same goes for all strict AP kids I know.

[NightOwl]

I don't think AP has to be synonymous with "no cry". I think that is what most AP parents have taken from this unfortunately and is giving AP parenting a bad name. New parents aren't doing ALL the research and only taking bits and pieces from the whole theory. I consider my parenting style to be AP , but it was my understanding that as an AP parent, I needed to gradually teach my children how to accept no and how to handle situations that made them upset. For the first month, yes, I responded to every single cry. After the first month, I started putting the baby down for a few minutes to do a chore or go to the bathroom and tell her that I would pick her up as soon as I was done. I would always pick the baby up soon after. Slowly, I lengthened the time it took me to do things so that baby could handle being out of my sight for 15 minutes or so. Both of my girls learned that they didn't need to cry because I would be there in a few minutes. I did cosleep at night, but taught them how to sleep in their cribs for naps since I knew they had to go to daycare eventually. Yes, they cried and I responded, but my response was to hush them and put them back to their crib. When researching AP, I didn't associate it with "no cry", but rather with responding when they DO cry right away. The response doesn't have to be to give them whatever they want, but rather to show them that you are there to meet their NEEDS and not necessarily their DESIRES. Both of my children went to a home daycare and did fine even though my provider was not into AP. And now that my girls are 1 and 3, I feel like AP looks much different than it did when they were infants.

Obviously, it will be hard to see positive results from this parenting style while so many parents interpret it and practice it differently.

I see what you mean here. You wanted them to know that they weren't abandoned, that you would indeed respond when they cried, even if it wasn't to give them exactly what they wanted. That's a good approach.
My post about no crying is referring more to the people who won't allow precious snowflake to make a single peep because they literally anticipate every need/want/desire. They aren't doing their children ANY favors. This behavior (the parent's) will be expected of other adults and these children will NOT get it. It's going to be a harsh wake up call for the child and the parent when this becomes apparent and it's too late to change it.

[Indoorvoice]

I see what you mean here. You wanted them to know that they weren't abandoned, that you would indeed respond when they cried, even if it wasn't to give them exactly what they wanted. That's a good approach.
My post about no crying is referring more to the people who won't allow precious snowflake to make a single peep because they literally anticipate every need/want/desire. They aren't doing their children ANY favors. This behavior (the parent's) will be expected of other adults and these children will NOT get it. It's going to be a harsh wake up call for the child and the parent when this becomes apparent and it's too late to change it.

Oh I totally agree with you! Babies cry. Period. Parents and babies have to learn how to cope with it. AP helped me and my babies with that. I was just trying to point out that some parents are associating "no cry" with AP and that is not necessarily the goal of it. I think parents are claiming they are "AP" without doing the research that goes along with it. I have a friend like this and she makes me shake my head on a weekly basis with her approaches. We are both AP parents but practice it completely differently. They think all AP means is not letting your child cry. Ever. And that is just not how it works. It unfortunately is creating a generation of kids like you describe. But AP isn't to blame, because there is a good way to practice it. It's lack of knowledge of child development, and just plain bad parenting (to put it bluntly).

[nannyde]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsYcPeaph04&feature=kp

At the 2:25 mark Dr Sears describes these kids.

If this is the outcome, why aren't we seeing it?

[Blackcat31]

One of the ways I deal with attachment parenting (or any other "labeled" type of parenting) is ask the parent to tell me EXACTLY what that (insert parenting type/style) means to them.

Then I take it from there.

I don't care what parents want to call it/label it, I ONLY care if I can integrate their child into my mixed group.

Personally, I think it's silly to call parenting anything but parenting.

Every child requires a unique set of rules/guidelines/approaches, whether they are the first born, middle, youngest or only.

My mother had 6 children and not one of them was parented the same.

Each child was simply provided with the things they needed.

I treat my DCK's the same way. Similar to what Nan said in one of her earlier posts. It doesn't matter if the child is neglected or micro-managed....the result in MY program is the same. ALL kids follow the same rules and abide by the same set of behavior guidelines that everyone else does.

HOW I teach, enforce and uphold those guidelines differs GREATLY from one child to another.

ALL children receive responsive, reciprocal and respectful care based on their individual needs.

[Angelsj]

One of the ways I deal with attachment parenting (or any other "labeled" type of parenting) is ask the parent to tell me EXACTLY what that (insert parenting type/style) means to them.

Then I take it from there.

I don't care what parents want to call it/label it, I ONLY care if I can integrate their child into my mixed group.

Personally, I think it's silly to call parenting anything but parenting.

Every child requires a unique set of rules/guidelines/approaches, whether they are the first born, middle, youngest or only.

My mother had 6 children and not one of them was parented the same.

Each child was simply provided with the things they needed.

I treat my DCK's the same way. Similar to what Nan said in one of her earlier posts. It doesn't matter if the child is neglected or micro-managed....the result in MY program is the same. ALL kids follow the same rules and abide by the same set of behavior guidelines that everyone else does.

HOW I teach, enforce and uphold those guidelines differs GREATLY from one child to another.

ALL children receive responsive, reciprocal and respectful care based on their individual needs.

Bingo, exactly!!

I have had (my own and daycare) kids who needed held, fed more often, more/less sleep, yes/no pacifier, mellow easygoing personalities, and difficult, struggling personalities. Things can be eased by good management of a child's particular issues, but they are unique individuals. It is not always the parent's fault that a child is hard. Sometimes they just are.

[Angelsj]

I find that I use different techniques for different children. Children are not one-size-fits-all, even if you "wear" them. Especially children from a variety of families.
Some flexibility and a large "bag of tricks" is what works for me.

Yes. I have no problem wearing a child if it helps them feel safe. We work toward good sleep habits because that is what will help them in the long run, but if it helps them now to wear them while we move that way, so be it.

I also do not believe a young infant (less than 6-8 months) can be "spoiled" by having their needs met. And sometimes that need might just be to be held and be close to an adult.