Attachment Parenting Has Been On My Mind

[Unregistered]

Throughout my 17 years of childcare experience (not including my teenage babysitting years), I have nannied for many families and I have gathered a weath of experience (which has been wonderful now that I have my own 4 year old).
Even at the age of 19 (long before I had my own child), I had an idea of how I wanted to raise my own. There were the families who would give into their child's every whim, over coddle, and have the hardest time putting their children to bed (they need to be rocked until fallen asleep, you needed to lay down with them, etc, etc, etc)..... Then there were the families who would read their child a story, say goodnight and turn out the light. The kids were happy, the parents were happy, there was no screaming, no crying, no fits.... I thought to myself, WOW! What a difference structure and a bit of independence makes! Now, here we were 12 years later (when I had my own child). I thought about the families I cared for and the experience I have gained and I took from my experience, what would work best for my family. I wanted my son to be a good sleeper, a good eater, and a happy baby (I understand that some things are out of your control). Of course, I gave him lots of cuddles and love, but I also put him on a schedule (when it was age appropriate). He ate so well, he was content without being held constantly, and he would sleep like a champ. Yes, he cried for a bit when he was first put in his crib for the night. And my husband, who had no experience with children, would want to pick him up right away. I would block the door.... It only took my son a couple of nights for him to contently fall asleep on his own. Leading up to this..... He would sleep in a bassinet by our bed, but I would let him have his naps in his crib- so he would be accustomed to it.
The parents, who had such a hard time with structure, bedtime, etc, at their home, had no clue how easy it was at other peoples houses. I think they believe that this is the norm? And the same thing goes for a local mom I know. She practices ap parenting (I don't have any problem with anyone's choice of parenting, but she was very vocal with what she deemed as the correct way to parent). She would complain how her toddler wouldn't take naps, how she kicked her and her husband all night, and how she would never sleep on her own and how exhausted this made the mother (because her child would scream bloody murder if left on her own, or with a sitter- so the parents never had a break). Of course, once I told her that I put my child on a schedule she said she would never let her child "cry it out". I chuckled to myself, because her child was the one screaming through the bedtime routine a couple years later. My child can be put to bed with a sitter, at his grandparents, or home, with no problems at all.

To be honest, I was really nervous about having my own child. I was so accustomed to being around children who would scream, cry, have major tantrums, that I did think my own could be like that (On a positive note, I have also nannied for very normal families whose children I adore....you just need to weed through during the interview process). And then I thought... This is my own child, I can choose any parenting style I deem fit. You know..... My child (who is newly 4), is no angel... He is all boy and can be rambunctious at times. But... He is very respectful, he transitions well, he may try to negotiate, but he doesn't have trantrums and he is an all around happy kid! I just read something going around Facebook about how to talk to your children differently and a couple of things that stood out to me were....

If your child is having a tantrum, ask them if they would like hugs until they feel better...

If your child wants certain cereal and you don't have it, tell him, "I know you are upset, I wish I had magical powers to make your cereal appear", or something on the lines of that.....

I thought to myself.... This is the problem... Kids are so coddled, that parents have to spring into action and have an answer or solution to all/ or any problems that arise. How about not showing any attention to a child that is throwing a fit (unless there really is a problem)? Or telling your child that you are out of the cereal they asked for and they just plain ole' accept that.....

The last family I nannied for (before having my child), was for an executive single mother (who was divorced). This is in an extremely weathly town where most of the families have aupairs or nannies. Her kids had everything they needed material wise, but they never saw their mother. They were raised by nannies. When she did actually see them, she would always have an excuse for their behavior. Oh.... They are hitting me because their dad doesn't live in the home anymore, they are hitting you because they are tired, they are throwing a fit because the snack they wanted wasn't in the vending machine at swim practice....
I wanted to scream, Hey lady!! Do you know the problems other people have?.... I nannied for a young family whose children lost their mother from cancer (they needed a nanny once she was unable to drive), I babysat for a family who lost their home once the parents divorced and the three boys moved into a small one bedroom apartment..... People go through a lot, but they still manage to parent (well, some of them anyway)...

I agree, I do like the good ole' way of parenting, rather than this new age trend (of course, there are extremes on either end).... I am a very easy going/fun loving parent, who provides discipline and structure. You can have a balance of both! And still manage to keep a bit of yourself too!.....

[KiddieCahoots]

This topic is getting some depth! And just have to say.....love the knowledge on this site, it blows me away!

Here's my two cents.....

I've raised my 5 children similar to ap style. And everyone of them had different needs, making my ap style different every time.

I feel what is getting confused in the ap style is the lack of parenting know how, or knowledge of early education and care, to determine what is appropriate to offer the baby/child for emotional support, and where to draw the line for setting limits as the dependable, structured guardian.

A lot of parents are following a black and white pattern of ap style without seeing the ques babies give, as we as educated providers do, and missing these ques, to fill in the blanks of raising their children to a set pattern. That is the wrong way and idea behind ap. And as long as it continues, we will never truly be able to see any benefits of ap with statics, it will be quite the contrary.

[midaycare]

I used a loose form of AP and it worked well for us. I have a well adjusted, happy go lucky 6 year old boy. I didn't follow it by the book. Just used what worked for us and ignored the rest.

[Bookworm]

I've never heard of AP until I joined this forum, so I'm fascinated. As far as the parents "doing it wrong" , could it be that they really don't know what it means? It seems to me that the main focus is on not letting baby cry. Even if mom has to suffer lack of sleep the baby must not cry.

There's a two year old in my center who comes in every morning with a giant tote bag full of junk because mom didn't want her upset. When mom tries to take it away, DCG kicks , punches and spits on mom and mom makes the usual excuses. She even told DCG that she (mom) should have respected DCGs feelings when she wanted to keep the bag because DCG's feeling will be hurt. Rhe final straw for us was when she called mom a B**** because she couldn't bring a box of pop tarts. After that, when we hear them come in the door in the morning, one of us meets them at the door to get DCG and send all that junk back. When DCG first started she warned us that wore DCG all the time and she co-sleeps. They did manage to get her on a schedule but it was extremely hard.

I'm not saying that AP is the cause of DCG's behavior, but this thread sheds a new light on it.

[SignMeUp]

This topic is getting some depth! And just have to say.....love the knowledge on this site, it blows me away!

Here's my two cents.....

I've raised my 5 children similar to ap style. And everyone of them had different needs, making my ap style different every time.

I feel what is getting confused in the ap style is the lack of parenting know how, or knowledge of early education and care, to determine what is appropriate to offer the baby/child for emotional support, and where to draw the line for setting limits as the dependable, structured guardian.

A lot of parents are following a black and white pattern of ap style without seeing the ques babies give, as we as educated providers do, and missing these ques, to fill in the blanks of raising their children to a set pattern. That is the wrong way and idea behind ap. And as long as it continues, we will never truly be able to see any benefits of ap with statics, it will be quite the contrary.

I agree as to parents trying to go by-the-book as to any style of parenting, and missing the child's cues as to what is really needed. Maybe it comes from lack of experience with infants and children, and what some of US think of as common sense. Our "common" sense is really based on the knowledge we developed at some point in our lives, often developed many years before we began formally working with children.

[SignMeUp]

I used a loose form of AP and it worked well for us. I have a well adjusted, happy go lucky 6 year old boy. I didn't follow it by the book. Just used what worked for us and ignored the rest.

And that is what I suggest to my child care parents, regarding any parenting style that they are drawn to.
I know that I have my own style, but I draw from many different practices and theories. I use different techniques for different children, though I definitely have "my way" of doing things in general.
And I do not expect my families to all use the same methods. As long as their children are progressing developmentally, and are not stuck in social/emotional issues, I encourage them to find their own way as parents.
For me, that is where my confidence comes from -- from figuring out what needs to be done in various situations where what I normally do is not working.

[midaycare]

And that is what I suggest to my child care parents, regarding any parenting style that they are drawn to.
I know that I have my own style, but I draw from many different practices and theories. I use different techniques for different children, though I definitely have "my way" of doing things in general.
And I do not expect my families to all use the same methods. As long as their children are progressing developmentally, and are not stuck in social/emotional issues, I encourage them to find their own way as parents.
For me, that is where my confidence comes from -- from figuring out what needs to be done in various situations where what I normally do is not working.

Exactly. Well said!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I would consided myself an AP parent, but as more time goes by the more I am cringing at labeling myself as such. I know AP extremists (no cry babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and school agers) who all have children who ACT spoiled, entitled, and wild. It horrifies me. Do I consider them superior? Well, they are intellectually more advanced from what I gather is an abundance of parent to child interaction (as there should be much of that!) but they are all socially stunted UNLESS their Mom is MORE involved with thrh idea of raising Christian children. Then, the focus is on producing God and parent fearing children (respectful) a bit more than AP babies. Am I making any sense there? It is a fine art combo that I love. So, that is where I fit in more now and I only have about three family friends who parent the same way we do.

The brain damage part is more about having high cortisol levels for extended periods of time. It produces more anxious people. I was raised with the CIO method and I am super anxious. I haven't met an AP kid that is a highly anxious individual. THAT is an observable difference despite all of the negatives. Children who can go out in this world and do. Now, are we guiding these children to DO good things or are we just letting them DO whatever they want believing that the world will also cater to all of their whims? There is another parenting difference...

[nannyde]

I would consided myself an AP parent, but as more time goes by the more I am cringing at labeling myself as such. I know AP extremists (no cry babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and school agers) who all have children who ACT spoiled, entitled, and wild. It horrifies me. Do I consider them superior? Well, they are intellectually more advanced from what I gather is an abundance of parent to child interaction (as there should be much of that!) but they are all socially stunted UNLESS their Mom is MORE involved with thrh idea of raising Christian children. Then, the focus is on producing God and parent fearing children (respectful) a bit more than AP babies. Am I making any sense there? It is a fine art combo that I love. So, that is where I fit in more now and I only have about three family friends who parent the same way we do.

The brain damage part is more about having high cortisol levels for extended periods of time. It produces more anxious people. I was raised with the CIO method and I am super anxious. I haven't met an AP kid that is a highly anxious individual. THAT is an observable difference despite all of the negatives. Children who can go out in this world and do. Now, are we guiding these children to DO good things or are we just letting them DO whatever they want believing that the world will also cater to all of their whims? There is another parenting difference...

I think the cortisol research has been pretty desimated. Iirc the researchers who did the cortisol research that the Sears family uses went national with how they completely misused their findings. They were STRONGLY against the null hypothesis Dr Searseses used.

I've been wondering if AP has become popular with African American and Hispanic moms. I also wonder if child care providers would choose a AP family to work for over a family that did not sling carry, did not co sleep, did cio, did not sleep nipple attached, etc with all things being equal otherwise. (Money schedule age)

Maybe that's a good poll question.

[nannyde]

There's a two year old in my center who comes in every morning with a giant tote bag full of junk because mom didn't want her upset. When mom tries to take it away, DCG kicks , punches and spits on mom and mom makes the usual excuses. She even told DCG that she (mom) should have respected DCGs feelings when she wanted to keep the bag because DCG's feeling will be hurt. Rhe final straw for us was when she called mom a B**** because she couldn't bring a box of pop tarts. After that, when we hear them come in the door in the morning, one of us meets them at the door to get DCG and send all that junk back. When DCG first started she warned us that wore DCG all the time and she co-sleeps. .

I grow weary of the "doing it wrong" attached to the kids that are violent and nasty. This mom is absolutely practicing AP from your description.

I hate all the words that get tossed around in this type of debate. If a family has a kid that they are strict with and they have them self soothe, go to bed on their own, cio, are down on the floor and not carried but net a calm, stable baby who sleeps well, eats well, and self entertains then the baby is depressed with learned helplessness while in shut down mode.

When an AP kid is violent, hateful, demanding, won't sleep, won't play independently and cries with every no then the parent must be doing it wrong.... meaning that isn't an AP kid.

Your kid IS an AP kid. The kids I told stories about above ARE AP kids. Their mothers claim it.

[Bookworm]

I think the cortisol research has been pretty desimated. Iirc the researchers who did the cortisol research that the Sears family uses went national with how they completely misused their findings. They were STRONGLY against the null hypothesis Dr Searseses used.

I've been wondering if AP has become popular with African American and Hispanic moms. I also wonder if child care providers would choose a AP family to work for over a family that did not sling carry, did not co sleep, did cio, did not sleep nipple attached, etc with all things being equal otherwise. (Money schedule age)

Maybe that's a good poll question.

I'm AA and i would say 10 yrs ago not as much. But now I'm seeing it. It seems the younger the parent (early to mid twenties) the more I notice. I had my DD when I was 21. I didn't know such a thing exsited. My mom told me that if I walk around carrying her all day/night, I'd never be able to put her down. I had friends who did that and they had to take their kid to the bathroom with them because they would scream bloody murder. They never had a minute to breathe.

We accept AP children. But because we have more staff to rotate taking care of baby, it's not as stressful for us. The parents have to get on board because we can't provide one on one care.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I think the cortisol research has been pretty desimated. Iirc the researchers who did the cortisol research that the Sears family uses went national with how they completely misused their findings. They were STRONGLY against the null hypothesis Dr Searseses used.

I've been wondering if AP has become popular with African American and Hispanic moms. I also wonder if child care providers would choose a AP family to work for over a family that did not sling carry, did not co sleep, did cio, did not sleep nipple attached, etc with all things being equal otherwise. (Money schedule age)

Maybe that's a good poll question.

None of my in laws or their friends practice AP.

While I like many aspects of AP i actively choose families to work with who ARE NOT AP.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I grow weary of the "doing it wrong" attached to the kids that are violent and nasty. This mom is absolutely practicing AP from your description.

I hate all the words that get tossed around in this type of debate. If a family has a kid that they are strict with and they have them self soothe, go to bed on their own, cio, are down on the floor and not carried but net a calm, stable baby who sleeps well, eats well, and self entertains then the baby is depressed with learned helplessness while in shut down mode.

When an AP kid is violent, hateful, demanding, won't sleep, won't play independently and cries with every no then the parent must be doing it wrong.... meaning that isn't an AP kid.

Your kid IS an AP kid. The kids I told stories about above ARE AP kids. Their mothers claim it.

I hear that the AP kids are independent...assertive. Positive words to describe poorly behaved kids.

[cheerfuldom]

I have lots of thoughts on this....

Regarding Nan's comments about the Hispanic community.....is AP parenting becoming more common? Possibly, especially with particular celebrities like Jessica Alba embracing all things AP/natural mom. However, A LOT of the things that define traditional AP are things that are extremely common in the Hispanic community regardless of AP influence, such as breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding, co sleeping and some forms of baby wearing. These are all things that moms of latin cultures do for various reasons anyway. For instance, many Hispanic families bed share out of necessity not any particular parenting technique. Hispanic moms, as a whole, definitely coddle their infants and toddlers and extended pacifier and bottle use are very common. The difference I think is that as a whole, Hispanic families are larger and they cannot continue the one to one care of small children past the arrival of the next child. It is very common for older siblings to care for younger ones at that point. Traditional gender roles have a strong influence as well so even though moms will often spoil sons, sons are quickly influenced by a culture that tells them "don't cry, don' act like a baby" so by preschool age, many boys are fighting for their "manhood status" while mom is busy with one or two or even three younger siblings. This also means that mom cannot hover due to being out numbered and it is common and excepted to allow children to run a bit wild. Of course, the youngest child of the family is definitely babied the longest which is common for many cultures. My point is AP looks very different when applied by different cultures.

Now as to my experience......like a lot of first time moms, when you make choices as a pregnant woman that include things like medication free or home birth, use of a doula or midwife, Bradley or hypno birthing labor techniques, cloth diapering, etc., it sends you down a path of information and resources that make a bee line for the AP community. This is the first reason that parents get into this world. They didnt intend to be here but their first few choices as expectant parents led them here. These websites, mommy bloggers, forums and even real life groups can be quite demanding. There are rules and expectations that go along with the use of the AP label. This is a tough crowd, trust me. Easily influenced newbie parents see this world as all knowing and they "drink the koolaid" so to speak. They aren't able to use critical thinking skills in order to find their way through all the research, opinions, books and "experts" and so they follow the majority within the AP world (which is very extreme when compared to the none AP world). Now, why are so many parents so easily influenced? Reason three, MANY new parents have zero experience with children and zero education on child development. They spend all their time planning the nursery and planning the birth and many don't go past that to think about and learn about how they are really going to be parents. Smaller and more isolated families mean that today's expectant parents don't have any real experience to rely on and all they know is that they don't want to parent the way their parents did. Reason four. The parents of yesterday relied on many techniques that are now taboo such as spanking and latch key kids. Other styles included a stay at home mom which is not a reality for the majority of today's families. Now parents are resorting to what they see as the best way to parent, and yes a lot of that is due to the hype and trend of AP parenting. The fifth reason that many parents resort to these techniques is that they ARE easier....for awhile. Giving the baby the breast every time they cry IS easier than putting baby on routine. Strapping them on your back IS easier than helping them progress past motion-addiction. Putting them in your bed IS easier than crib training. When you don't know what you are doing and you are exhausted, it is completely common to resort to whatever you have to in order to get some rest or peace. This is what makes parents do a huge variety of things....out of desperation. All of a sudden you realize you haven't slept in a year, your toddler doesnt want to be put done ever and you are nursing 10 hours of every 24 hour period. That is the point when a lot of parents make changes but not all do. Some just keep chugging along because that is what an AP mom is supposed to do and their friends will hate them if they purchase a crib! Daycare scenarios often don't change the parents right away either. They daycare hop for awhile, mom quits her job or they find someone to put up with a "demanding" baby. Some parents change at this point but again, some don't. Then baby number two might come along and parents have to adjust because you can't provide that level of care to two as well as you did one. Life gets in the way of this type of parenting, it can't be sustained. I have heard this last comment from a huge number of AP style parents

There are of course MANY hard core AP parents that just keep doing their thing and they find all the work worth it for whatever reason. Maybe they do really enjoy it. Maybe they enjoy the super-mom status. Maybe they want to quit but don't know how. Maybe they are scared to do anything but what they are familiar with. Maybe they are too arrogant to consider that these choices may not be the best fit for their family. A lot of these hard core parents will not use full time daycare or traditional school options because those institutes go against what AP is for. These parents find their way into things like Waldorf schooling and home schooling so no, it is not an issue at school age because their school options support their parenting style.

Now for my experience, I will say that I use many AP techniques but I do not consider my parenting style AP because I never chose to do these techniques past when they stopped working for my family. My kids were breastfed for as short as 5 months and as long as 18 months depending on what the child wanted and what I felt comfortable doing. We co slept for as short as 5 months and as long as a year. My oldest hated baby wearing and I never forced her. My third loved it. She's three and would happily get in a carrier. We also own several strollers and use them on occasion. We chose to selectively vaccinate (a huge debate in the AP world) and my son is circumsized (a huge no-no for AP moms). These were the choices that were right for us and we researched all the options about every single thing. I have read probably 100 parenting books. I am going to find what works for each of my kids individually rather than apply one set of standards to all my kids. We will stop doing something when it is clearly not working but I am also not afraid to go against the crowd and implement things that others dont. I will do whatever is right for my kids and if it happens to be an AP technique, so be it. There is a lot of positive about the approach. I do believe that many parents implement if inappropriately though. For instance, AP has principles stated as the seven Bs. One of the Bs is balance and so many parents fail to implement balance into how they apply parenting. There is a lot of parents that do "no cry" just because they cant handle crying but they arent really AP, even if they use the label.

Happy to continue the discussion, it is a good one!

[NightOwl]

The whole "NO cry" thing, isn't this going to create a world of little monsters? These children won't know how to deal with disappointment, frustration, hurt feelings, because they're never allowed to experience it. I understand wanting your baby to be happy and content. But this will never teach them to deal with life's hardships. They won't have a concept of fairness because they've never had to compromise. They won't know what to do with themselves on that first day of kinder because they think they should have their own adult who caters to every whim just so there's no crying. They won't know how to negotiate because everything has always just appeared before them on a silver ap platter. They won't know how to handle conflict because they've literally never witnessed such a thing. Please tell me if I'm way off base, but I can't imagine what these children will actually be like when they've never had a single worry or care in the world because ap mommy has always jumped to the rescue to prevent it.