Please Help Me Punish DC Girl

[jessrlee]

Ok here is the sitch....

DC girl is 7. Friday we went up to my personal space for about an hour because her mom was late and she ended up marking on my coffee table. I take responsibility for it because I should have piched up the sharpie but still she needs a consequence (Mom piched her up right after) Then today she sat downstairs and pushed the nibs of 3 brand new markers in while coloring on the dry erase boards. She has been on a destructive path for a while and It is really ticking me off! The main problem is, when you sit down to reason out why she would do these things she shrugs, huffs, says she doesn't know, and says she does not think she should be punished.

My first instinct is of course to limit the toys she plays with to things she cannot hurt. The oldest little people sets, the big hard plastic baby toys, and make her sit on a blanket to play with them. However, I want a punishment that will really sting. Something to teach her personal responsibility. Chores? No toys? (Mom will not help me on this so it is all me. She doesn't care if I punish her but will not follow through at home)

Thanks for any advice!

[cillybean83]

I think it's the age. My son is 7, soon to be 8, and we've been having a rough time with him. I finally found something he HATES more than losing toys, tv, internet, anything...he absolutely HATES having to write stuff over and over again. I make him write "I will not break toys because it is wrong." 20 times, or whatever the offense is. She'll hate it, you'll have quiet time, and for the amount of time it takes her to write it, you'll know she isn't breaking stuff!

Good Luck!

[SandeeAR]

I would give her a magic eraser and put her to work on the coffee table. Move it to the daycare room if you have too, so you can watch her. It will take a LONG time to get it off. Your coffee table gets clean and she gets a VERY memorable lesson.


Oh and as long as I had her, she would NEVER see another marker!

[Little People]

I think it's the age. My son is 7, soon to be 8, and we've been having a rough time with him. I finally found something he HATES more than losing toys, tv, internet, anything...he absolutely HATES having to write stuff over and over again. I make him write "I will not break toys because it is wrong." 20 times, or whatever the offense is. She'll hate it, you'll have quiet time, and for the amount of time it takes her to write it, you'll know she isn't breaking stuff!

Good Luck!

This is what I would do! I agree with cillybean that children "hate" having to sit and write. And I would put het off to herself, so she could not see the other children playing and having fun.

[dEHmom]

This is what I would do! I agree with cillybean that children "hate" having to sit and write. And I would put het off to herself, so she could not see the other children playing and having fun.

I disagree, I think that she should have to watch the other children play and have fun! Reminds them that it's not worth it, because they lose out of the fun. Sounds mean, but I think some people who've mentioned letting them see you have EXTRA fun, or special fun that doesn't normally happen is the way to go. I've tried it with my own children, and found they really REALLY hate watching the others have special treats, or fun time, helps them be good for a little bit. As long as they are old enough to understand what's going on, and this one definitely is old enough.

[missnikki]

At 7 years old, she might hate to have to use baby stuff. I would give her very basic baby toys until she could show you how to use them properly.

Looking a little deeper, you might find that there is more to it than meets the eye. I don't think 'punishing' is always the way to handle a kid looking for attention. Positive reinforcement and modeling behavior (in advance) and being very clear about expectations are all effective if used consistently. Don't drop the ball, keep praising the good and redirect the bad, you might get great results.

[Little People]

I disagree, I think that she should have to watch the other children play and have fun! Reminds them that it's not worth it, because they lose out of the fun. Sounds mean, but I think some people who've mentioned letting them see you have EXTRA fun, or special fun that doesn't normally happen is the way to go. I've tried it with my own children, and found they really REALLY hate watching the others have special treats, or fun time, helps them be good for a little bit. As long as they are old enough to understand what's going on, and this one definitely is old enough.

With my experience I find that having the "older" child in the same room, while writing sentences only allows them to watch you and the other children having fun and then he/she will not take the punishment as a punishment and is still having fun watching the others. I have always found that older children "do not" like isolation as a punishment.

[lvt77]

I would give her a magic eraser and put her to work on the coffee table. Move it to the daycare room if you have too, so you can watch her. It will take a LONG time to get it off. Your coffee table gets clean and she gets a VERY memorable lesson.


Oh and as long as I had her, she would NEVER see another marker!

ditto....hold her accountable for her actions...have her clean it up....

[jessrlee]

I totally agree that there are many deep seated reasons WHY she chooses to break things and be disrespectful. Her life is not fair. HOWEVER I'm totally consistant in praise for everyone, pointing out the things that I do or do not like, and in giving her the extra attention. I'm not really even angry about the destruction. I have an old coffee table and markers are not expensive. I'm angry because this girl does not feel shame. She does not say she is sorry, she gets angry with YOU when she has to sit on the wall, and she just is plain getting under my skin today.

I think I will have her write sentances, and make a basket of just "her" toys for her to play with the next couple of days. I will also have yet another talk with her mom.

Wish me luck!

[Little People]

Good Luck!! Let us know how it went.

[lvt77]

I totally agree that there are many deep seated reasons WHY she chooses to break things and be disrespectful. Her life is not fair. HOWEVER I'm totally consistant in praise for everyone, pointing out the things that I do or do not like, and in giving her the extra attention. I'm not really even angry about the destruction. I have an old coffee table and markers are not expensive. I'm angry because this girl does not feel shame. She does not say she is sorry, she gets angry with YOU when she has to sit on the wall, and she just is plain getting under my skin today.

I think I will have her write sentances, and make a basket of just "her" toys for her to play with the next couple of days. I will also have yet another talk with her mom.

Wish me luck!

Best of luck.... One thing you have to try to remember is that if the parents do give a hoot, then you will not be able to do much about it..... I have this issue with one of my kids. Parents think its funny or cute that he lashes out at other children. I just make sure that when he is here that he understand that if he chooses not to follow the rules he will be punished. The parents don't care what I tell them and don't do a thing about it, so I stopped telling them anyting as I realized that they arent going to help and I will end up beating my head on the wall each and every day....

I will keep my finger crossed for you...

[MarinaVanessa]

Yep, give DCG the magic eraser and have her clean it then give her only unbreakable toys to play with. Take any toys that she abuses or uses destructively away and make it the parent's problem by adding an intentional damages policy.

I didn't add mine in until too late and then quickly added one after an issue with my own DC distructo-boy. Slowly it got longer and longer as I had to get very specific with parents . I swear sometimes the parents are just as bad as the kids ::.

Damages
Please respect the childcare provider, my profession, home and family. A certain amount of normal wear and tear is expected where children are concerned however; we would not want to have the home "destroyed".
Intentional Damages
We believe children are responsible for their actions and we teach them to respect other peoples' property. If a child intentionally damages the home, toys, furnishings, equipment, or other property the parent will be responsible for paying for or replacing the damaged item(s). The amount for damaged item(s) will be assessed and researched by the provider and will include only the cost of replacing the item, or similar item if an exact replacement cannot be found, and any fees such as tax, shipping, delivery etc. if applicable.


Make a log of everything that she's been doing and include any distructive behavior. Give it to her in a notice attached to the new policy and then continue to log all of the distructive behavior and any other damages. If it doesn't get better and the child continues to destroy your things even after charging the parent to replace the items then maybe it's time to talk to the parent about making a plan to correct the behavior or else they may have to start looking for a new DC.

[momatheart]

NO Markers for her at all! (then gather everyone for some marker coloring fun and have her use crayons.)

Do you have anything in your contract that states that the parent pays for any damanges done to toys etc. if done on purpose?

[Kaddidle Care]

Nix on the magic eraser! Too many chemicals - oh my! I use it myself but I use it with rubber gloves and then rinse down the tables afterwards.

Did you tell her Mom? What did she do or say?

I would not let her leave the Daycare area for sure. Rule here is no crayons, pencils or markers beyond the kitchen. (Play Doh too!)

Sharpies - not used unless there is direct supervision - and I still hate to use them for fear of them marking their clothing.

As far as her ruining the dry erase markers, I'd first mention it to her mother to see if she replaces them for you. She wouldn't be allowed to use them for a while for sure.

Punishment? Hmmm That's not a good choice of a word. At 7 she should have better manners. I'd work on that with her. If she wants to be treated as an older child, then she has to act like one.

[jessrlee]

Nix on the magic eraser! Too many chemicals - oh my! I use it myself but I use it with rubber gloves and then rinse down the tables afterwards.

Did you tell her Mom? What did she do or say?

I would not let her leave the Daycare area for sure. Rule here is no crayons, pencils or markers beyond the kitchen. (Play Doh too!)

Sharpies - not used unless there is direct supervision - and I still hate to use them for fear of them marking their clothing.

As far as her ruining the dry erase markers, I'd first mention it to her mother to see if she replaces them for you. She wouldn't be allowed to use them for a while for sure.

Punishment? Hmmm That's not a good choice of a word. At 7 she should have better manners. I'd work on that with her. If she wants to be treated as an older child, then she has to act like one.

1. I don't use magic erasers, I wouldn't anyway as I imagine it would remove some of the cherry finish on the table.

2. Yes, I did talk to mom. Her view is handle it as I see fit.

3. I agree. I do not have pens, markers, ect. low enough for the kiddos to reach in the daycare. As I said, her mother ran late and we went up to my personal space. I had a sharpie on the coffee table beside my daughter. My daughter was using the cricut to cut out paper dolls and I didn't really think to move it. I agree that in the end it is my fault the table got damaged. I don't want it repaired or replaced, I want the young lady to feel badly about using something without asking and then damaging my table.

4. DC children do not use sharpies. I use them to label things.

5. I do not want them to be replaced. The lesson is that if a peer damages an item we no longer have it. It encourages everyone to take great care of the materials. No, she will not be allowed to participate in using the white boards. It will be sad because that is her favorite activity. She will also be closely supervised with the loose art materials for quite a while.

6. YES punishment is an excellent choice of words. There are consequences for actions. I understand why the action is happening, I know the WHY, it doesn't matter. A young lady chose to vandalize, and then chose to break new toys so they would not be new for the other kids. That deserves a punishment. Punishment is not bad. You can sweeten it up and call it consequence, or thinking time, or character time, but it is also punishment. The problem is that we get so hung up in worrying about hurting a childs feelings (By using words like punishment!) that we forget that when adults did use that word kids listened. I really don't care right now how she feels about it . I care that she learns a lesson. The police sure wouldn't care about her feelings if they caught her tagging a building! You wouldn't care if she chose to key your car! Same deal.

I will say it again. I do not care about the actual damage. I made the choice to leave the marker out. I care that a 7 year old child does not understand how to feel guilt, shame, and remorse. I wanted creative punishment ideas that would sting, that would take a while, that would be ongoing. Because she needs to think about her actions a lot longer than 5mins on the wall. The other kids need to see her get a consequence for her actions. Or I will end up with 8-12 kids thinking that it is fair game. Nope. Not here. Here, your kiddo learns that they are EXPECTED to be respectful, helpful, responsible, and kind. I have an amazing success rate. Sorry if this shocks you.



Thank you to everyone for being so encouraging. I spoke to mom again this evening, I really didn't get very far but I didn't expect to. DC girl will be playing with Fisher Price for quite a while. She did NOT like it! She is very, very angry with me because I am following through on this.