Attachment Parenting Has Been On My Mind

[nannyde]

I've been thinking about attachment parenting these days. In my consulting business I do quite a few consults with providers who are trying to integrate new babies and toddlers into care. There is a pattern in my little world of the providers describing the parents as parents who claim they practice attachment parenting. Obviously, the integration isn't going well. They wouldn't pay me to tell me how great the kids are fitting in.

I hear story after story and providers feel helpless that the only tools they get from the parents and their online support groups is to either term, carry the baby wrapped, hold during naps etc. That would solve the crying with any kid regardless of how they are being parented.

I also participate but mostly lurk on attachment parenting internet groups. It's again, a small population but the patterns of concern are the same and the solutions are the same.

One of the stories I heard recently was of a mom with a toddler and a newborn who is a sahm part time. She talks about how she is exhausted managing a newborn and a mobile one year old who both are being parented with breastfeeding, sling wearing, co sleeping, attached nipple ****ling for comfort, motion consolation, etc. Typical garden variety methods to be immediately receptive and active in stopping or fending off crying.

So this Mom can't get the one year old to settle for a nap and the kid is going days at a time where he is up for all but a seven to eight hour night. He is not adjusting to not being able to comfort ****le all night because the newborn needs his time at the tap.

So nap times the only thing that works is to either drive the kids around in the car or take them for a stroller ride. They only own a single stroller so the toddler rides and the baby is in a wrap for the walk.

The mom, who is EXHAUSTED, takes them for a walk and the one year old passes out in the stroller. She heads back home to SIT and have a little time where she's got them both asleep. She sits on the front step and has to rock the stroller back and forth to keep the toddler asleep and because there isn't shade at her steps she has to hold an umbrella over her and the kids.

That's her naptime. Pushing a stroller forward and backward, sling carrying the baby, and holding an umbrella over their heads. All the while, just a few feet away is two empty cribs, cable tv, internet, and a couch. She doesn't put the two un their beds and plop herself down on the couch because.... she doesn't want them to cry.

I have this image in my head and all I can think of is "aren't you TIRED?". I'm exhausted thinking about this life of yours and I can think of something else. You live it.

I think about how labor intensive it is to parent this way. I deal with providers who, because the care that mimics their parental care is SO labor intensive, they are trying to figure out a way to keep the kid without going crazy or going broke. There's no money in one to one care in a group setting.

I think about the huge upfront investment of time and energy it takes to have SO much of the parenting time be physically attached in the purest sense of the word. Short of having them put back in the womb, I can't figure a way you COULD do more.

I wonder what the end game is? I read about attachment kids having higher IQ's and better health. I get that these core measurable outcomes are going to be promoted even if the research compares them to a group of Romanian orphans.

What I don't get is why, after a good long time of this style of parenting being popular and an ever increasing number of parents claiming it, is the outcomes not so apparent .... so unmistakable.... that school systems, developmental researchers, churches, doctors, and child cares spot the kids for their high quality outcomes.

I would think by now, a Kindergarten teacher could tell which kids were parented this way within a few weeks of having them in their classrooms. I would think their test scores would be significantly higher in every core area of studies. I would think their behavioral outcomes such as calm, focused, tolerant, empathetic, non violent would be easily seen in comparison to their peers who did not have the good fortune of being raised this way.

I expect those promoting it who make money off of it to be able to identify the excellent outcomes. I also would expect those who don't have a dog in the fight to be able to too. That's what I don't see.

I hold this style of parenting at a higher standard because the line has been drawn with the claim that crying causes brain damage. If these kids have the first five years with their needs and wants being quickly.met to avoid crying brain damage then they SHOULD stand out amongst the group where the brain damaged kids are sitting next to them in class.

Teachers especially should be able to spot them a mile away. Providers should be able to tell that their preschoolers had an infancy of this type of care. These kids should have OBVIOUS differences in the core areas of health, intelligence, behavior. The adults who don't make money off of them should be coming forward and going public with their findings. When something phenomenal is happening en masse the world finds out about it quicklike. The parents share it but where are the ones who benefit from it and are in awe of it coming forward?

I think of the newbie mom who most likely wants the best for her kid. I think about asking her about what she foresees as the end game for her VERY hard and selfless minute to minute. I know she believes what she is doing is right. I just fear that by the time she realizes that all of that effort didn't make a bit of difference or possibly hurt her child's first public experience... I wonder if she will think that she paid a heavy price to make sure her kids didn't cry.

The price on the providers is very high. Few are equipped to replicate this parenting style. I worry about the stress on the providers and the cumulative stress of getting nearly every baby with some version of a no cry home life.

I worry that this is a scam and in combination with the other things going on in the care and raising kids like screen addiction, poor diet, poor sleep, poor exercise, that we are going to see a decline in the quality of kids behavior and health at a rate we have never seen before in our country's history.

[MissLiz610]

I've been lurking around here the last week and decided to join today so I can post to this.

It's bizarre this trend of never wanting a child to cry. I completely am against cry it out when it comes to sleeping. With my now 2 year old, I did what I would consider "attachment parenting" in that he slept in the same room with me (sometimes in my bed), nursed on demand, was very attentive to his needs. But I also allowed him to cry. I still do hold and cuddle him to fall asleep, but once he's asleep, he's in his crib! If he is mad about not getting his way, it's ok, he can cry!

I think parents are confusing the being attentive and the no crying part. A young child is GOING TO CRY. Yes you are going to make sure their basic needs are met, they are not hurt, and see if you can help them emotionally, but if all that fails, then it is ok for them to cry. It is part of how they express themselves and you can not, nor should you, stop it all the time.

I feel sorry for moms that put this kind of pressure on themselves. We have been lucky in our center that all of our kids that came straight from being home with mom all day have made a great adjustment to the child care setting. I'm sure many providers struggle with the demands of having a child that needs constant attention in this way, because it is just not feasible!

[CraftyMom]

I've been thinking about attachment parenting these days. In my consulting business I do quite a few consults with providers who are trying to integrate new babies and toddlers into care. There is a pattern in my little world of the providers describing the parents as parents who claim they practice attachment parenting. Obviously, the integration isn't going well. They wouldn't pay me to tell me how great the kids are fitting in.

I hear story after story and providers feel helpless that the only tools they get from the parents and their online support groups is to either term, carry the baby wrapped, hold during naps etc. That would solve the crying with any kid regardless of how they are being parented.

I also participate but mostly lurk on attachment parenting internet groups. It's again, a small population but the patterns of concern are the same and the solutions are the same.

One of the stories I heard recently was of a mom with a toddler and a newborn who is a sahm part time. She talks about how she is exhausted managing a newborn and a mobile one year old who both are being parented with breastfeeding, sling wearing, co sleeping, attached nipple ****ling for comfort, motion consolation, etc. Typical garden variety methods to be immediately receptive and active in stopping or fending off crying.

So this Mom can't get the one year old to settle for a nap and the kid is going days at a time where he is up for all but a seven to eight hour night. He is not adjusting to not being able to comfort ****le all night because the newborn needs his time at the tap.

So nap times the only thing that works is to either drive the kids around in the car or take them for a stroller ride. They only own a single stroller so the toddler rides and the baby is in a wrap for the walk.

The mom, who is EXHAUSTED, takes them for a walk and the one year old passes out in the stroller. She heads back home to SIT and have a little time where she's got them both asleep. She sits on the front step and has to rock the stroller back and forth to keep the toddler asleep and because there isn't shade at her steps she has to hold an umbrella over her and the kids.

That's her naptime. Pushing a stroller forward and backward, sling carrying the baby, and holding an umbrella over their heads. All the while, just a few feet away is two empty cribs, cable tv, internet, and a couch. She doesn't put the two un their beds and plop herself down on the couch because.... she doesn't want them to cry.

I have this image in my head and all I can think of is "aren't you TIRED?". I'm exhausted thinking about this life of yours and I can think of something else. You live it.

I think about how labor intensive it is to parent this way. I deal with providers who, because the care that mimics their parental care is SO labor intensive, they are trying to figure out a way to keep the kid without going crazy or going broke. There's no money in one to one care in a group setting.

I think about the huge upfront investment of time and energy it takes to have SO much of the parenting time be physically attached in the purest sense of the word. Short of having them put back in the womb, I can't figure a way you COULD do more.

I wonder what the end game is? I read about attachment kids having higher IQ's and better health. I get that these core measurable outcomes are going to be promoted even if the research compares them to a group of Romanian orphans.

What I don't get is why, after a good long time of this style of parenting being popular and an ever increasing number of parents claiming it, is the outcomes not so apparent .... so unmistakable.... that school systems, developmental researchers, churches, doctors, and child cares spot the kids for their high quality outcomes.

I would think by now, a Kindergarten teacher could tell which kids were parented this way within a few weeks of having them in their classrooms. I would think their test scores would be significantly higher in every core area of studies. I would think their behavioral outcomes such as calm, focused, tolerant, empathetic, non violent would be easily seen in comparison to their peers who did not have the good fortune of being raised this way.

I expect those promoting it who make money off of it to be able to identify the excellent outcomes. I also would expect those who don't have a dog in the fight to be able to too. That's what I don't see.

I hold this style of parenting at a higher standard because the line has been drawn with the claim that crying causes brain damage. If these kids have the first five years with their needs and wants being quickly.met to avoid crying brain damage then they SHOULD stand out amongst the group where the brain damaged kids are sitting next to them in class.

Teachers especially should be able to spot them a mile away. Providers should be able to tell that their preschoolers had an infancy of this type of care. These kids should have OBVIOUS differences in the core areas of health, intelligence, behavior. The adults who don't make money off of them should be coming forward and going public with their findings. When something phenomenal is happening en masse the world finds out about it quicklike. The parents share it but where are the ones who benefit from it and are in awe of it coming forward?

I think of the newbie mom who most likely wants the best for her kid. I think about asking her about what she foresees as the end game for her VERY hard and selfless minute to minute. I know she believes what she is doing is right. I just fear that by the time she realizes that all of that effort didn't make a bit of difference or possibly hurt her child's first public experience... I wonder if she will think that she paid a heavy price to make sure her kids didn't cry.

The price on the providers is very high. Few are equipped to replicate this parenting style. I worry about the stress on the providers and the cumulative stress of getting nearly every baby with some version of a no cry home life.

I worry that this is a scam and in combination with the other things going on in the care and raising kids like screen addiction, poor diet, poor sleep, poor exercise, that we are going to see a decline in the quality of kids behavior and health at a rate we have never seen before in our country's history.

Wow that's a lot to have on your mind! ::

I can say from experience that attachment parenting does not give the desired outcome.

When I had my oldest, now 13, I was a sahm and catered to her every whim. She would not nap. It took forever to get this baby to fall asleep (by rocking of course) and then I had to sit in the recliner and hold her, not moving a muscle or she would surely wake up.

She required so much attention I was physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted! It wasn't that I didn't want her to cry, I just wanted her to know that I was there for her, if that makes sense. (not really )

When the time came that I had enough, around a year old, I tried to get her into her own bed. Didn't go so well, this girl would cry for days if I let her!

In 1st grade she was diagnosed with ADD, not hyperactivity, but trouble focusing. She needs lots of prodding to continue her school work (or anything really) or she will drift off into daydreaming and not even realize time is passing. We are now seeking an iep because it has become a huge problem this year in 7th grade. She is very smart, but lacks focus. When she does the work she gets good grades, the trouble is getting her to remember to bring her homework home, stop daydreaming, etc.

It took such a toll on me that I was afraid to have more children! My first 2 kids are 6 years apart.

My 2nd daughter was on a schedule by 4 months old, perfect sleeper, perfect eater, self soothed wonderfully and could play for hours by herself. This girl is super smart and has zero trouble focusing. She just finished kindergarten and they had her in a 2nd grade reading group. She is a whiz at math.

My son is 3 years apart from my 2nd child and is following the same path, being on schedule, etc.

Knowing what I do now, I would have had my first child on a schedule right away. Hindsight....

I feel that in the long run attachment parenting teaches kids that they need constant entertainment, they need someone to do everything for them, it does more harm than good.

[CraftyMom]

I want to add that I only touched lightly on my oldest's focusing issues. It has always been a problem, but we managed. This year it became a HUGE problem.

I could go on about our day to day struggle with her but you get the point.

Of course she may have had these issues regardless, I guess we'll never know. But my own experience with my other kids says otherwise

[bananas]

I attempted to parent my daughter in this fashion (I cosleep at nights, breastfed, etc), but my daughter's naturally intense/spirited temperament just made it all the more stressful...because she didn't stop crying for the first 16 months of her life leading me to believe I was a big fat failure in the AP community She's 2 now and I don't use as many AP tactics as I did when she was younger. She's till HIGHLY temperamental (more-so than any other 2 year old that I've met), but when she was assessed with the Meier's Briggs test at 20 months, her skills/intelligence ranked her 8-14 months advanced in all areas. She's smart, but way overly intense. I accept her temperament is something she was born with, but sometimes wonder if my constant coddling as a younger infant intensified that temperament.

[Unregistered]

To my mind, the second largest problem these parents have is that they have zero right to expect to place their child in any kind of group care. And eventually that will include school (unless they plan to homeschool).

The largest problem these parents have is THEIR CHILD. Maybe there are families who have done this with total success. But the ones I have seen, their children are not happier. They are not even happy. I saw one the other day (about four years old) who ran crying to his mom because another child on the playground said something he didn't like. He tells his mom "Calm me down!! Make me HAPPY!!! You have to MAKE ME HAPPY NOW" He clearly had figured the division of responsibilities in his family.

[SilverSabre25]

Don't take this the wrong way, Nan, because you DO have a wealth of knowledge and experience that is very valuable.

But in my years on this board I've noticed that you seem to, I don't know, hold a grudge against any of the gentler parenting approaches. Your "old school" style is just the bees knees and nothing else has any merit--that's the vibe I get.

But I'm a young mom (young in years, old in the way my brain works, haha) and I'm down here in the trenches of the modern parenting techniques. So let me tell you that you are only seeing the AP parents who are doing it wrong. You don't see or hear about the ones who are doing it right because THEY ARE NOT THE PROBLEMS. Also, many of them aren't going to be utilizing daycare.

At it's heart, AP is NOT intended to be about "no cry" or sacrificing mom's needs for the happiness of the child. BUT that's how a lot of people interpret it...due to either the "nazi-esque" mommy-bloggers and forums, a certain lack of reading comprehension that only takes in half the information being presented (a problem in many places I've observed, not just parenting related), or due to something else I don't know what.

AP done right does result in happy, well-adjusted kids who can sleep anywhere for anyone, integrate well into daycare or preschool or kindergarten, and have good emotional control and regulation.

But...too many people interpret the basic tenets of AP like the Ten Commandments of Christianity. They treat it like a religion and what does religion do? Even if you're miserable you have to do it, right? Well The nazi-followers of it treat it that way. Thou shalt bedshare (even if it doesn't work for your child). Thou shalt breastfeed (and if you ever put a bottle in that baby's mouth it will never nurse again). Thou shalt never put baby on the floor (or ELLLLSSSSEEE DOOOOOOM). I could go on but I won't.

Because at it's heart...AP is supposed to be responsive to the child. Child sleeps better in a crib? Then he should sleep there. She doesn't like being held? Put her down. You are supposed to pay ATTENTION to your child and learn to read their cues for things (sleep, hunger, desire for time to play on the floor, etc). But people get it wrong and it's largely the Internet's fault.

Through people mentioning it here, I found out about RIE. Are you familiar with it? At it's heart it's more what AP is supposed to be. Responsive, respectful relationship with your baby/toddler that leads to a well-adjusted, independent child capable of great emotional regulation. It stresses what AP does not--that if it doesn't work for mommy or the family it's okay not to do it. Which is awesome! I fell in love, adopted some of the practices and got involved with a few Facebook groups just as it started going practically "viral" and the groups exploded in size....

...and I was very disheartened to watch this responsive, respectful style grow to be some of what I hate about AP type groups and forums, adopting a "NO YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT JUST BECAUSE IT WORKS BETTER FOR YOUR CHILD!!!!" type approach. "YOU"RE DOING IT WRONG!" became an overwhelming message and I am now close to leaving those groups.

Anyway. I just want to say that it IS possible to use responsive and respectful methods in daycare. I do it every day. And I am willing to baby wear but haven't in three years because it makes my three year old very upset and jealous. I don't let babies cry uncontrolled for too long (no full on CIO here.) but I do have AWESOME sleepers.

I am sharing this to let you know that i respect you and your views and you have great information to share, but it's not your way or the highway--other things work too. Daycare needs to be approached the way parenting is: what works for the provider, and what works for the children THEY have in care. I could never provide care in the style you do, it wouldn't work for me. And you couldn't do it the way I do. And we're both okay because it works for us.

I don't think that AP/responsive/gentle approaches are what's causing the decline in children's behavior; I think it's bigger than that. Because for every parent striving to be gentle....I spent fifteen minutes trying to invent some statistics for how many are too rough, don't care, etc and couldn't...but it's way more than are trying to be gentle. Sure, AP-Gone-Wrong is a problem, not the basic tenets of "listen to your baby and respect his needs". The internet is more of a problem, with it's endless sources of quick entertainment for moms AND kids, it's scores of "perfect" mommy bloggers. The education system is more of a problem, with it's kids who have terrible reading comprehension and can't process more than 1 word in 3 on the page. The food is a problem, contributing to depression and behavior problems for children AND adults. The healthcare system is a problem, that it can't catch the problems AND TREAT THEM early and affordably enough. Society is the problem and the horrifying disintigration of the "village" it has always taken to raise a child. Fear is a problem, where parents are convinced that they can't take their eyes off their babies for even an instant lest they be snatched by a pedophile in sheep's clothing.

It goes far, far beyond the set of parents who get one parenting style wrong.

[Unregistered]

Ha, the random question for this comment was CIO

But, I thought the Myers-Briggs was a personality inventory.

[nannyde]

Don't take this the wrong way, Nan, because you DO have a wealth of knowledge and experience that is very valuable.

But in my years on this board I've noticed that you seem to, I don't know, hold a grudge against any of the gentler parenting approaches. Your "old school" style is just the bees knees and nothing else has any merit--that's the vibe I get.

But I'm a young mom (young in years, old in the way my brain works, haha) and I'm down here in the trenches of the modern parenting techniques. So let me tell you that you are only seeing the AP parents who are doing it wrong. You don't see or hear about the ones who are doing it right because THEY ARE NOT THE PROBLEMS. Also, many of them aren't going to be utilizing daycare.

At it's heart, AP is NOT intended to be about "no cry" or sacrificing mom's needs for the happiness of the child. BUT that's how a lot of people interpret it...due to either the "nazi-esque" mommy-bloggers and forums, a certain lack of reading comprehension that only takes in half the information being presented (a problem in many places I've observed, not just parenting related), or due to something else I don't know what.

AP done right does result in happy, well-adjusted kids who can sleep anywhere for anyone, integrate well into daycare or preschool or kindergarten, and have good emotional control and regulation.

But...too many people interpret the basic tenets of AP like the Ten Commandments of Christianity. They treat it like a religion and what does religion do? Even if you're miserable you have to do it, right? Well The nazi-followers of it treat it that way. Thou shalt bedshare (even if it doesn't work for your child). Thou shalt breastfeed (and if you ever put a bottle in that baby's mouth it will never nurse again). Thou shalt never put baby on the floor (or ELLLLSSSSEEE DOOOOOOM). I could go on but I won't.

Because at it's heart...AP is supposed to be responsive to the child. Child sleeps better in a crib? Then he should sleep there. She doesn't like being held? Put her down. You are supposed to pay ATTENTION to your child and learn to read their cues for things (sleep, hunger, desire for time to play on the floor, etc). But people get it wrong and it's largely the Internet's fault.

Through people mentioning it here, I found out about RIE. Are you familiar with it? At it's heart it's more what AP is supposed to be. Responsive, respectful relationship with your baby/toddler that leads to a well-adjusted, independent child capable of great emotional regulation. It stresses what AP does not--that if it doesn't work for mommy or the family it's okay not to do it. Which is awesome! I fell in love, adopted some of the practices and got involved with a few Facebook groups just as it started going practically "viral" and the groups exploded in size....

...and I was very disheartened to watch this responsive, respectful style grow to be some of what I hate about AP type groups and forums, adopting a "NO YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT JUST BECAUSE IT WORKS BETTER FOR YOUR CHILD!!!!" type approach. "YOU"RE DOING IT WRONG!" became an overwhelming message and I am now close to leaving those groups.

Anyway. I just want to say that it IS possible to use responsive and respectful methods in daycare. I do it every day. And I am willing to baby wear but haven't in three years because it makes my three year old very upset and jealous. I don't let babies cry uncontrolled for too long (no full on CIO here.) but I do have AWESOME sleepers.

I am sharing this to let you know that i respect you and your views and you have great information to share, but it's not your way or the highway--other things work too. Daycare needs to be approached the way parenting is: what works for the provider, and what works for the children THEY have in care. I could never provide care in the style you do, it wouldn't work for me. And you couldn't do it the way I do. And we're both okay because it works for us.

I don't think that AP/responsive/gentle approaches are what's causing the decline in children's behavior; I think it's bigger than that. Because for every parent striving to be gentle....I spent fifteen minutes trying to invent some statistics for how many are too rough, don't care, etc and couldn't...but it's way more than are trying to be gentle. Sure, AP-Gone-Wrong is a problem, not the basic tenets of "listen to your baby and respect his needs". The internet is more of a problem, with it's endless sources of quick entertainment for moms AND kids, it's scores of "perfect" mommy bloggers. The education system is more of a problem, with it's kids who have terrible reading comprehension and can't process more than 1 word in 3 on the page. The food is a problem, contributing to depression and behavior problems for children AND adults. The healthcare system is a problem, that it can't catch the problems AND TREAT THEM early and affordably enough. Society is the problem and the horrifying disintigration of the "village" it has always taken to raise a child. Fear is a problem, where parents are convinced that they can't take their eyes off their babies for even an instant lest they be snatched by a pedophile in sheep's clothing.

It goes far, far beyond the set of parents who get one parenting style wrong.

I was pretty careful when I wrote this to not focus on how it doesn't work. I'm actually bored with that. For years we have read post after post of providers having the babies who cry if they don't have an adult minute to minute. The internet is full of staunch supporters of AP who vent about their kid hitting them, being rude in public, keeping them up all night, living off of goldfish crackers. That's the same story as the kids who have been neglected and have parents who don't care. I, frankly, can't tell the difference of the two extremes.

Why I wrote the post was to take it to the next level and ask why we haven't seen these kids being forwarded in society as the kids who have the most excellent outcomes. We can measure outcomes. I'm interested in why we haven't heard from teachers, church workers, providers, family of the kids etc. who would truly benefit from the outcomes I believe are the natural outcomes advertised for this style of parenting.

This is a labor intensive approach to child rearing. It's WAY harder than what I do. I would think there would be a natural pay off... a pay off that would sweep the nation. The techniques have... but the product of a calm, stable, centered, polite, non violent, universal thinking, healthy, high intellect child who has been gifted with this upbringing has not.

If our Kindergarten teachers had classrooms of kids who met those markers in droves... trust me we would hear about it. The teachers would be on it like Donkey Kong trying to figure out the special sauce. If child care providers were taking in chilled out fulfilled babies they would be bragging to the point where everyone would want to be a child care provider.

I personally don't have a feeling about it either way. I can take a baby that is neglected or a baby who is uber attachment parented and have the same results. I don't have a problem taking attachment kids because my methods net the same kid. I'm skilled to the level that as long as the kid isn't be abused, I can end up with a group of like kids in the marker behaviors I listed. In other words, it's no skin off my back either way. I prefer the middle ground because it's easier but the time it takes to bring the baby or kid to the middle is a blip in the time they are in my care.

I don't take offense to your belief that I'm closed off to new parenting and believe my way is the only way. I've been doing this for thirty years plus and as the cycle of parenting goes round and round, I will rarely be within what is currently new parenting. I don't change my views but they do keep coming around every now and then. Right now no... but give it a decade and I will be smack dab in the "new parenting" once again.

I enjoyed your prospective except for the part where you said "they are doing it wrong". That is getting old. They aren't doing it wrong because it's not that complicated and it IS rooted in no cry. What they are doing is almost exclusively about keeping the baby from crying. A baby that is happy playing on the floor isn't going to be popped in a sling. A baby sleeping thru the night isn't going to be put on the nipple for comfort. The responses that I call labor intensive ARE to stop crying.

My worry with that is the parents start the no crying from birth and it goes through the ones. The parent doesn't learn to manage crying so the methods they used for the infant continue with the one year old. Soon the one year old becomes two and the parent STILL can't deal with the crying. And on and on...

At some point the brain damage theory that goes along with crying needs to have an age limit. If we don't spread the word, the five year old's parents still use the infant techniques because they haven't seen the value of a good cry.


I'm not against attachment parenting. I'm truly not. To me it is something "to do" with your baby and kid. I personally wouldn't do it but I'm not into making things harder than they have to be. I prefer easy. Put the work in up front and sit back and reap the rewards.

I would like to see AP parents ask the same question I posed. I think it's a fair question. It's NOT a loaded question either. I'm really interested in seeing this kind of parenting succeed if it is for real. I wonder WHEN we are going to see the product that has been advertised. To me, it should be on the market now. There's been enough time.

[NightOwl]

WOW, Nan and Silver! You have some very compelling points! My first thought is on this RIE you mentioned, Silver. I was thinking, isn't that just regular ole parenting?? I respond to babies needs, I try to read their queues, I do what I can to make them happy, WITHIN REASON. I DO NOT hold just for the sake of holding, I don't, and never will, "wear" anybody, If they don't want to lay down to rest/nap, too bad so sad but they're doing it anyway. I make every effort to respond in a caring way so that they know I truly want to decipher what it is that they need, but also, that I call the shots in the end.

I personally feel like AP allows the child to be in charge of every aspect of the adult's life. I think it teaches the child entitlement and to have an "if I whine, they will come dashing to me" attitude. Because, ya know, they will. I believe these children may have a significantly higher chance of being high maintenance, demanding, "the world owes me something" adults. Keep in mind, these are my opinions, not the gospel. And this is coming from someone who co-slept for almost 6 years and it was FRIGGIN MISERABLE 90% of the time. I know there's much more to AP than co-sleeping, I was just pointing that out.

[nannyde]

Silver I hope my post didn't come off as harsh. I don't mean it like that. I'm going to turn this into an article and I have been thinking about it for days trying to square the concepts. I'm not there yet so I just did a rough sketch with this post.

I've been reading for a week or so the research supporting the attachment parenting. I'm a lurker on ap websites and boards. I don't contribute much so I don't have these conversations much. I just ponder.

Lately I have seen so many threads where the problems the parents claim are bugging the hell out of me. I read one the other day about a breastfeeding mom who's older baby won't nurse unless he is scratching, pinching, clawing her other nipple while he ****s. It hurts but he is so darn cute. Wha? Another one about her kid doing the same thing for the last TEN months but the mom endures because she wants the kid to nurse. Few threads previous the same parent is talking about the kid keeping her up all night then slapping her across the face when the bedtime story ends.

Solution? Tell the baby no.. that hurts mommy. Use gentle hands.

I can't tell you how many stories about the kids being screen addicts and won't eat anything but treats. Extended breastfeeding plus hot dogs and gummy worms.

Every story I think... isn't this approach supposed to be an insurance policy against violence? The attached two year old ****er punches his mom? The all night reverse cycling breastfeeding tone year old on hot dogs? Isn't the method an insurance policy against poor eating habits? Three year old up in the middle of the night watching Frozen? Isn't co sleeping end game a deep sleeping all nighter kid?

I don't see the value of the adult intensive care in the core areas of child growth and development if you don't net the highest quality in those areas.

[craftymissbeth]

When I was 22, I had my son (he's now 7). I was young and new and scared and although I was married, I was pretty much on my own.

I naturally went to the book store and picked up a parenting book. Unfortunately, I picked up one of Dr. Sears' books. From what I can remember from the blur that was the first two years of my son's life, it was fairly heavily attachment parenting based.

I remember getting to a point somewhere after my son's first birthday when I realized I hadn't slept in a year. I mean, I laid down and closed my eyes, but I never had a good deep restorative sleep. In. A. Year. And I wasn't "doing it wrong"... I was following what the internet and good ol' Dr. Sears was suggesting. And it must be correct, right? I was the newbie and they were the experienced ones who held all of the knowledge I was seeking.

He was fed on demand through his first year. I remember his pediatrician asking how many ounces he was consuming in a day and I honestly didn't know. He made a peep and received a bottle. Of course, I could have easily documented what he was eating, but I was in a daze of non-sleep combined with a panic of do-not-cry-oh-please-don't-cry.

He was also fed to sleep. Oh how I cringe when I think back and realize that that was just stupid. Eating and sleeping are two separate activities, but it got to the point that they each depended on the other.

We co-slept the entire first year. At one point after his first birthday I decided enough was enough and set up a PNP next to my bed. He wouldn't sleep. He simply screamed and screamed and that was enough to set my oh-good-gravy-babies-aren't-supposed-to-scream-this-means-I'm-ruining-my-precious-baby brain into hysterics. So I slept on the floor next to his PNP. In hindsight, that was worse than sleeping in the bed WITH him. At least that way I was getting a little sleep... laying on the floor was horrible for my body and it didn't even work. He came back into our bed pretty quickly.

I thought he was just "spirited" or "high maintenance". No, he just had an ignorant mother who wanted the best for her child, but was really truly clueless.

My parenting style has done a complete 180 in the last 5 years. I have been left with an entitled, screen addicted 7 year old boy who treats me with disrespect. And I'm the only one to blame. I effed up. Yes, he is freaking brilliant... but he's MY child, so obviously he was destined to become a genius regardless of my parenting philosophy.

I've spent the last five years attempting to undo what I did in his first two years. I'm tough now. I don't put up with crap. But there's still that "I deserve to be happy constantly" that shows up often.

All of that to say that I think attachment parenting is a load of bull and that it IS a scam to sell books. I've never met an attachment parented child who is well adjusted. I've never met one that doesn't have at least one helicopter parent circling above.

In response to Silver's comment about people just doing it wrong... the problem is that MOST parents are doing it wrong.

[debbiedoeszip]

<<<I read about attachment kids having higher IQ's and better health.>>>

I think that the above is more correlation rather than causation. It's the higher IQ moms and dads that would likely have the luxury of being able to attempt this kind of parenting style. Most are SAHP/WAHP, high enough income that they aren't juggling low income job(s), and don't have the stresses of poverty added on to the demands of an "attached" infant/toddler. Higher IQ parents generally produce higher IQ children.

As for the health aspect, children of higher income and/or SAHP/WAHP would see doctors more often than the lower income parent who is juggling one or more low income jobs and maybe have neither the time or resources to take their children to the doctor regularly.

Oh, and for the "yeah, but-ers", I've deliberately used words like more, most, and generally. I realize that there are exceptions (low income moms who are attachment parents, low IQ parents who produce high IQ children).

[SignMeUp]

I find that I use different techniques for different children. Children are not one-size-fits-all, even if you "wear" them. Especially children from a variety of families.
Some flexibility and a large "bag of tricks" is what works for me.

[debbiedoeszip]

I find that I use different techniques for different children. Children are not one-size-fits-all, even if you "wear" them. Especially children from a variety of families.
Some flexibility and a large "bag of tricks" is what works for me.

Ditto!