I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers

[blandino]

i understand that it is awkward and complicated having me there. i would feel bad but this provider has no other kids. and i feel that my lg must feel this same awkwardness with a new person trying to care for her. i think it would help her immensely to have an adult to communicate for her.

Yes, but you also need to let the provider and your child figure out their relationship. Left alone with your baby, the provider will learn what she want's and is expecting. You have to let them figure things out between the two of them. That is how they will bond and build trust.

They have to get into a groove, and let them communicate and get into a routine together. The provider will figure out your baby's cues without help, I promise, Plus, with your little girl behaving so differently at home and at daycare, it probably won't take the same actions it takes at home to soothe her. Plus, the daycare provider needs to do things the way it works for her - not the way you would do it.

Give it time. Give it time. Give it time. :hug:

[Unregistered]

...you may come across as a demanding mom who does not trust a provider when the provider has already started caring for the child without your presence.

I feel like this is definitely an underlying issue at the heart of complicating my request. I've lurked around the forums for awhile and have noticed that this is a big issue between providers and parents. Providers are often insulted at the lack of trust parents give and aggravated at the over-bearing that follows due to this lack of trust. I suppose in a way I can understand but mostly I don't understand, particularly when the child is new. I know my asking to stay after the provider has had her a couple of times could be interpreted like a demotion in a way, but that is not what it is at all! It has nothing to do with whether I trust her or not. I want to make this transition as easy for my lg as possible and abruptly leaving her alone with a total stranger for long periods of time seems like it would be much more difficult for her then if I were there for awhile to acclimate her to the new environment. I also think it would help my lg to see me interact with the provider. This seems to me a difference of philosophy, not one of trust. But I think inevitably it would feel like a slight.

[blandino]

I feel like this is definitely an underlying issue at the heart of complicating my request. I've lurked around the forums for awhile and have noticed that this is a big issue between providers and parents. Providers are often insulted at the lack of trust parents give and aggravated at the over-bearing that follows due to this lack of trust. I suppose in a way I can understand but mostly I don't understand, particularly when the child is new. I know my asking to stay after the provider has had her a couple of times could be interpreted like a demotion in a way, but that is not what it is at all! It has nothing to do with whether I trust her or not. I want to make this transition as easy for my lg as possible and abruptly leaving her alone with a total stranger for long periods of time seems like it would be much more difficult for her then if I were there for awhile to acclimate her to the new environment. I also think it would help my lg to see me interact with the provider. This seems to me a difference of philosophy, not one of trust. But I think inevitably it would feel like a slight.

Honestly, I can tell you from my experience, It has never once made it easier when a parent tries and stays to help acclimate their child. For me it isn't even an issue of trust. Also, I don't think your DD is old enough to care/notice whether you are interacting with the provider. Her crying is because she is reacting to a new environment that is completely different than your home, and will continue to be different even if you were to stay for an hour and then leave. As soon as you leave, she is going to be in that new environment.

I can see where a parent would think that them staying would help acclimate a child. In my experience the only thing it does is set up a false expectation that mom is going to stay at that new place with me. So the child gets used to the idea that the parent is going to stay in this new environment with them, and then once the parent leaves you are back at square one. Staying to help acclimate her, just creates a crutch, which then eventually has to be removed, and will result in the same crying as before.

[blandino]

Honestly, I just re-read and you are only on day 3 at your current daycare ? As much as you are worried, you really just need to give it time. If I took a catalog of all my kids, most would have still been crying on their third day as we are still trying to understand what they want/are expecting. Think about the relationship you had when your first brought your baby home from the hospital. You spent time listening to her cries and trying to decipher what she wanted and needed. You have to let the daycare provider and the baby develop the same relationship. It really isn't abnormal. I sound like a broken record, but you have to give it time and patience and let the caregiver and the baby develop a relationship.

Like you described on day 3, how you came to get the baby because you knew she was crying. You need to let the provider meet the child's needs so that your child learns to trust her and bond with her. If you intervene, this won't happen.

[TwinKristi]

I agree... They need more time. And you need to stop meddling. I get that it's your baby but she'll never acclimate if you always come to the rescue. The provider will be anxious, you'll be anxious, baby will be anxious. Maybe try being happy and positive and talking about his fun daycare is and how happy you are and she'll see you're happy and she should be too! And once she gets the routine and the idea that you leave and come back than she'll be much happier. I had an 18 month old who cried for like 3wks and mom and Nana were so afraid to leave but an 8 month old who never cried and mom was very happy and not nervous. Babies feel your anxiety and unhappiness from you too.

[Annalee]

thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

In my experience, it is harder for a toddler to adjust than an infant.....My mentor tells me that if a child hasn't adjusted in 12 weeks, they will not adjust....use that as a guideline.....give it some time and trust your provider.

[Cat Herder]

Wow. I have heard of parents asking to do this when transitioning a toddler after a move, but a new baby?

I have two things that I'd recommend you to research and consider....

[snbauser]

You need to give it time. It takes time for a child of any age to feel comfortable in a new environment. And if you are apprehensive, as it certainly sounds like from your posts, they will pick up on that as well. I tell new parents that the first day is the easiest for the child and the hardest for the parent. The second and third days are often the hardest for the child. After that it will slowly get better. On average I tell parents it take 2 weeks for a child to settle into a new routine and feel comfortable. BUT that 2 weeks is if they are full time. Part time can take much longer.

[nannyde]

I wouldn't be able to provide services for your infant. I would be scared off because of your perception of her crying and your attribution as to why. The words you attach to it are subjective but, as you have learned in the few months you have been a parent, your perception becomes fact whether it is really true or not. Your perception leads you to believe she is one extreme to another... hysterical when with or been with others and perfectly calm and content with mama.

The stories you already have in your brief experience with child care are enough to ruin a provider if retold in an online review or recounted to the DHS via you or any person who hears your story and decides the provider needs DHS involvement.

I wouldn't touch this gig. I wouldn't allow a four hour interview for as many days as you deem necessary. Your hanging out to transition the baby is really you interviewing the provider. You call it transition but the provider will think it is you interviewing and you (the newbie parent) assessing the providers ability to do no cry care.

I keep thinking how in the heck did my granny who had eleven kids over twenty years produce such great and healthy kids. She not only had kid after kid but she worked a farm and supported them with her hands and back. She didn't spend a minute worrying about brain damage because of crying. Her worries were enough food to go around, laundry, money for a car, and clothing her brood. She had it way easier than you though. You spend your worry on one kids crying. She had tangible worry of basic survival.

[TheGoodLife]

I agree with the others- it takes time. Staying for 4 hours would not help, in my opinion, as at 4 months she doesn't have a sense of time. You leaving right away versus after 4 hours would not make a difference to her. Give the provider time- I have a new DCG that is 13 months and never been in daycare before. She cried straight for almost a month. Wouldn't let my girls (who are very sweet natured and quiet) come near her or touch her (my DD who is 15 months would try to hug her when she cried). Fast forward 1 1/2 months, now she does great! Give it time . It's hard, but she will get used to it and form a bond with her provider if you let her!

[Maria2013]

because my kids can act up in the presence of "some" parents, and be perfectly fine in the presence of others, I would allow parents to stay depending on the outcome

[daycarediva]

Am I misunderstanding this, or is it a VERY part time young infant in a brand new (less than a week) daycare situation?

Give it time.

I recommend;
sending a tshirt or blanket that you have slept with for her to cuddle with (for your smell)

stop allowing her to sleep in her crib. OMG! That is dangerous and HORRIBLE for transitioning to daycare. A licensed provider cannot allow a child to sleep in a crib for any length of time.

Get her on a schedule at home, adjust her schedule to the daycare schedule as far as feeding and napping.

Do NOT co sleep, hold her during naps, rock her to sleep. Take the time to sleep train your child.

If you are breast feeding, make sure someone gives her a bottle at least daily.

Drop and leave. It is MUCH harder for any child when a parent lingers. I wouldn't be able to accommodate a parent staying, the other children in my care would freak out at a stranger present.

[MotherNature]

I agree that it will take some time. However, the constant crying even at home reminds me of other things. Have you researched high need/spirited kids? Helped a lot w/ my son, as I'd never dealt with the issues and personality he brought.

[melilley]

Am I misunderstanding this, or is it a VERY part time young infant in a brand new (less than a week) daycare situation?

Give it time.

I recommend;
sending a tshirt or blanket that you have slept with for her to cuddle with (for your smell)

stop allowing her to sleep in her crib. OMG! That is dangerous and HORRIBLE for transitioning to daycare. A licensed provider cannot allow a child to sleep in a crib for any length of time.

Get her on a schedule at home, adjust her schedule to the daycare schedule as far as feeding and napping.

Do NOT co sleep, hold her during naps, rock her to sleep. Take the time to sleep train your child.

If you are breast feeding, make sure someone gives her a bottle at least daily.

Drop and leave. It is MUCH harder for any child when a parent lingers. I wouldn't be able to accommodate a parent staying, the other children in my care would freak out at a stranger present.

I agree.
And daycarediva...I think you mean swing, not crib...

[Unregistered]

I wouldn't be able to provide services for your infant. I would be scared off because of your perception of her crying and your attribution as to why. The words you attach to it are subjective but, as you have learned in the few months you have been a parent, your perception becomes fact whether it is really true or not. Your perception leads you to believe she is one extreme to another... hysterical when with or been with others and perfectly calm and content with mama.

The stories you already have in your brief experience with child care are enough to ruin a provider if retold in an online review or recounted to the DHS via you or any person who hears your story and decides the provider needs DHS involvement.

I wouldn't touch this gig. I wouldn't allow a four hour interview for as many days as you deem necessary. Your hanging out to transition the baby is really you interviewing the provider. You call it transition but the provider will think it is you interviewing and you (the newbie parent) assessing the providers ability to do no cry care.

I keep thinking how in the heck did my granny who had eleven kids over twenty years produce such great and healthy kids. She not only had kid after kid but she worked a farm and supported them with her hands and back. She didn't spend a minute worrying about brain damage because of crying. Her worries were enough food to go around, laundry, money for a car, and clothing her brood. She had it way easier than you though. You spend your worry on one kids crying. She had tangible worry of basic survival.

Well said!