I'm A New DCM - Question For Providers

[cheerfuldom]

Buyer beware that this child care provider WILL take other children and most likely very soon. There's not enough money in one baby. This parent needs to realize that there will come a day very soon when the provider gets the next baby who needs four hour parental interviews and "teaching" for THAT baby to not cry. This baby will have to endure the provider doing another acclimation transition with a complete stranger parent hanging around for hours over days and the focus of the provider will shift from her no cry training to another babies no cry training so the provider can have money.

There's value in the newbie provider having this experience right out of the gate. For some providers there may be value to this but I think most by far would see it as a ridiculous amount of one to one parent care in a group setting. The newbie provider needs to work out what she will do when subjected to these kinds of requests as they will come often. The parent who is concerned about crying brain damage is becoming the majority. How they deal with "transition" to stave off the brain damage will be different with each parent. One thing for certain... the solution will ALWAYS be more. More one to one... more parent... more time. It won't translate into the provider having a smooth easy time as she gets to know the kid.

The provider also needs the experience of divesting a TON of prestart time and "transition" time and end up loosing the kid anyway because the one to one no cry care can't really be done in a group and the provider dissatisfaction for working SO hard for so little will rear it's head soon. Providers who consider doing this kind of upfront investment need to set basic pay rates to reflect the high probability that they will only have the child a short time after the parent interviewing and transitioning stops. They need to require a substantial upfront amount of money that will pay for the slot for the duration of how long it takes to fill a slot. They need at least a full MONTH of salary from the point where the "transition" time stops forward. That way they have some security of income to cover till the next no cry baby comes along. If she does it for free... meaning only getting care money for this level of parent time she will learn VERY quickly she did a ton of work for a few dollars an hour. That will sting.

More than half of my consulting work now is working with providers trying to manage attachment parents with no cry babies (no cry in fear of brain damage) , toddlers, and the preschooler who has been raised in it in their setting. I never in a million years thought I would have income coming in as a direct result of no cry parenting. Never thought I would make a dime off of it... but alas it is quite the money maker.

I am not at all saying that I would offer or support this service from a provider perspective. My point was, this mom has a great deal for now. A provider that has ALL day to transition and care for one baby. Baby will be good and comfy by the time another child is added. Many parents would kill for that scenario so again, this is as good as it gets from the parent perspective. If the OP does not think this is good enough, nothing ever will be good enough and mom should just own that and stay home.

[cheerfuldom]

As has your perception of my situation now become your truth.

I never said I felt she was being neglected and I don't feel that way at all. It's not about trusting the provider, as I mentioned earlier. It's a difference in philosophies on how to acclimate one's child to a new environment. In an article I read it said staying with the child would be beneficial. Sensing that this might be offensive to some sensitive providers I came here looking for opinions on how that request might come across.

Feel free to link that article. I would love to see if it references reliable sources, was written by someone with many years of childcare and child development, etc, etc.

You are talking about crying being detrimental to your child so the natural implication because she is crying, is that you feel the current daycare situation is neglectful to her needs. Its fine if you feel that way.

I will say that your back and forth on the facts as you see them are conflicting and it appears that either you are editing posts or perhaps I am not seeing everything you are posting.

Anyway, I stand by my statements. I find it very telling that you post and highlight ONE thing I said that you did not like yet you have not commented on the rest of my very thorough post. It does not look like you want a solution. It looks like you want people to agree with you.

[Unregistered]

You have said she "She never does this at home. She almost never cries. If she wants something she kind of babbles in a very loud, whinny voice." yet have also said "She was VERY colicky when she was little. I listened to nothing but crying for months and I know every kind of cry she makes."

Sorry for all the confusion! I meant to say that she hasnt really cried in almost two months.

[Blackcat31]

I think you really have only two choices:

#1 Stay home and raise/care for your own child.

#2 Get a nanny

With either choice, your child will get the level of care that you are seeking.

You will also get to dictate EXACTLY how your child is cared for.

Sounds like it's a win-win solution for your DD, you and whatever child care provider you are currently using.

fwiw~ I'm not trying to be snarky..... I just don't see any other solution working. Your levels of expectation is just not something a group family provider can manage.

[nannyde]

I am not at all saying that I would offer or support this service from a provider perspective. My point was, this mom has a great deal for now. A provider that has ALL day to transition and care for one baby. Baby will be good and comfy by the time another child is added. Many parents would kill for that scenario so again, this is as good as it gets from the parent perspective. If the OP does not think this is good enough, nothing ever will be good enough and mom should just own that and stay home.

Roger on that. This is as good as it gets.

[Unregistered]

I just wanted to let you know that I do sympathize with you.
It's hard to leave your baby. It's hard to know that they are with someone else and not you. It's hard when they cry, especially when they aren't with you. Sometimes, it can just be plain hard.

With that said, I've been on both sides. When I had my dd (10 years ago), I took her to a fcc part time, but not until she was 1. She didn't cry, and seemed to like it so it it was easy for me.
Then when she was 3, I took her to a center dc. I worked there so it was a little easier for me, but she did cry sometimes and it did break my heart, BUT I trusted the teacher and knew that I had to give it time and had to walk away when she cried, it was hard, but if I stayed it would have been worse. (I worked there, but tried to not let her see me unless it was time to go home).

But, during both times, I was in school for child development and had been and was working with children in a dc environment, and that combined with all my experiences working with families, I knew what to expect and what worked best, especially for the child's well being. Even though I hated to see my dd cry (I'm a huge softie), I knew that me being by her only made it worse.

Sorry, I'm trying to get my point across and it's dragging on....

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think that we, as providers, have the experience of working with children and their families, have seen many different scenario's of different family dynamic's (if that makes sense) and know the in's and out's of child development (not all providers, but most). It's easy for us to say do this and do that, because we have been there and done that.

But you as parents, (many) do not have the experience working with kids in a dc/fcc environment. It's really hard for some to see what we see because you haven't been there or done that. I'm not in any way putting anyone down, just saying that it can be really hard for parents to take our advice and be comfortable with it when they have no experience in this field outside of their own children. Just like I probably wouldn't know what to do with your job...

All I can say is take the advice you get on here and do what YOU feel is best.

Gosh....I hope this makes sense. I have a hard time getting my point across, I know what I want to say, just not how to say it! And I think it's awesome that you came on here to get advice, and from your responses, are taking or looking into it!

Good luck!

Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

[TwinKristi]

I had a FTM who was very paranoid about her daughter, granted she lost her first son at birth, I could understand and did my best to care for her as I would my own. I had an 8 month old and she was 6mos old. Of course she was having a hard time the first week away from mom. But she ate, slept and played and did fine. Mom didn't. She was a wreck and it made it hard for me. I remember getting an email one night during the 2nd week that she noticed her baby's hair was a little matted and she had dried tears on her face like she had been left to cry for a period of time. :confused: She was having a hard time understanding how I could provide care for 2 babies. A) even before watching her we went on a walk and she cried for 85% of our walk. So crying is nothing NEW for this baby. B) she cried when I changed her diaper, she cried when she was in her carseat too long, she cried often. So even if was playing with her, interacting with her, etc. she cried. We walked to and from school, she cried. C) perhaps she was crying on the ride home? How could she determine exactly "when" this crying occurred?
I wrote her back and explained that there ARE two babies in my care and eventually there will be more. There will be times that she cries whether it's when she wakes up from a nap, is unhappy in the stroller, unhappy in the high chair, etc. I do my very best to keep her happy through the day but she WILL cry as that's her only means of communication. I would never neglect her baby and allow her to lay "crying for a period of time" aside from when I have to. I do have to use the bathroom throughout the day, I also have to change diapers and wash my hands. If she cries during that time it's not because I'm neglecting her. I realized then that this wasn't working out and told her it may be best to find a nanny who will be devoted to ONLY her baby. Because even my situation was as close to a nanny as you could get for a home daycare only having one other baby there. She of course back stepped that she didn't think I was neglecting her and reacted too quickly and didn't think about the implications of what she said. She apologized and said she was more than happy with our situation. Well after the 2wk trial period I thought we were doing great but she put in her 2wks notices and said she's staying home with her. She figured out she was making $2/hr less than she thought by calculating her salary by 52 not her paycheck by 80hrs or something and it wasn't worth it after daycare expenses and how much time she's away from her. For them that was the best solution. She was never going to be happy with the level of care anyone else but what she provided. I ended up getting a baby the same age and she started watching another baby for a friend. It's funny how when the tables were turned she managed to care for 2 babies but my care for 2 babies with 15yrs more experience was somehow inadequate. LOL
Anyway, my point is daycare is not for everyone!

[TwinKristi]

Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

But the point is how will the provider ever learn to care for your baby if you're there? If you don't trust her than don't choose her. I've never had anyone stay for 4hrs when leaving their baby here. That's usually done during the interview process and maybe a couple hours here and there before starting FT, but never had anyone stay 4hrs. The reason the provider is ok with it is probably because she only has her child to care for. If she had other children it may not be ok as I don't know how many parents want random strangers around their kids all day plus for liability reasons many people wouldn't allow it.

[Unregistered]

It's not offensive. It's just a bunch of work that most likely won't work out to make the provider money over time.

Your request isn't unusual. Your perception of your baby is VERY VERY common. Your solutions are common.

This aint our first time to this rodeo. I wish newbie parents could understand that what they come up with and attribute to their child we have seen a ZILLION times. It's not unique. It's not special. It's not child specific.

We have had the same words you use come to our ears. We have had the same facial expressions you use to convey your worry. We have had many many requests to do the parent in order to have the money to do the kid.

Your face looks the same.
Your voice inflection is the same.
Your analysis is the same.
Your child is the same.

It's not new. Nothing you have said hasn't come knocking at our door.

It's WORK. The question you should be asking is if this amount of WORK for the provider is worth the money you are paying her. You should ask what kind of compensation should you be offering to her that is above the child care rate to compensate her for doing you and your kid at this level.

It's not about you or what you think your kid needs. It's about WORK and time. Work and time that will most likely end the way it ended with your previous providers.

No offense to you OP though. Please don't take me wrong. I'm all for picking the kind of parenting you want for your kid. She's your kid so do as you wish. I've been at this long enough to know there are a zillion right ways to raise a kid. My only interest is how does that work in group care and what cost to the provider to fetter through no cry parenting to find the ones who will stay. Your chances of staying are so slim. Your perception is dangerous to a providers long term success. It just is what it is. You could really damage someone's future with your perceptions if you decided to spread the word.

You sound burnt out I wouldn't work in childcare because it seems really difficult. I quit working in sales because I couldn't stand the people! I understand how exhausting it is and I'm only sorry that people have to worry so much about money that they subject themselves to unwanted situations. I don't mean to gloat but I am so very fortunate in that I do what I love and I don't give a thought to the money. I don't have to work. I only wish I could find a daycare provider who was of that state of mind. My current provider also seems to be in dire need of money which is unfortunate. Yes I know what you're thinking, if they didn't have to worry about money they wouldn't put up with parents like me! I know, I know. I'm sorry your experience has been so unpleasant. But there have been some very nice responses on here from seasoned providers so I have to believe there are still those who love their job and don't necessarily do it just for the money.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

thank you for taking the time to read all that! I am so worried that she's going to start refusing bottles. If I don't have to go back to work, and could stay home, from your experience with similar kids would you say that it would be in her best interest to give her more time to get more comfortable with me being away? Perhaps leaving her now is just too soon? I'm worried that letting her CIO, so-to-speak, could be detrimental to her wellbeing since she is so young.

Ok I am very confused. You need care 2 times a week for 4 hours each so 8 hours total. Even if she isn't drinking a bottle for provider.. she can go 4 hours. I have had many kidos that started out not drinking as much for me and waiting for mom.
If your comfortable with the provider you have chosen and she is not complaining about your child crying I would let the two of them figure out what works for them.
If I am reading this right 2 days a week, so she has been there 2 1/2 weeks. With the 2 days it will take her a while to figure out the pattern! Children need lots of repetition to figure out what is going on.
Instead of staying, I might drop her off for an hour and a half and then pick up. Work up to the 4 hours.
As a provider I could not accommodate you staying for 4 hours!

[Unregistered]

But the point is how will the provider ever learn to care for your baby if you're there? If you don't trust her than don't choose her. I've never had anyone stay for 4hrs when leaving their baby here. That's usually done during the interview process and maybe a couple hours here and there before starting FT, but never had anyone stay 4hrs. The reason the provider is ok with it is probably because she only has her child to care for. If she had other children it may not be ok as I don't know how many parents want random strangers around their kids all day plus for liability reasons many people wouldn't allow it.

I never considered it not trusting someone; just considered it training someone on how to help my lo. I've never started a job without training even if it was just to train me on that company's policy. I don't mean to say that a seasoned provider would need training per se. I probably insulted someone again. . But there are subtleties for my lo that I thought would be easier if I were there. I really actually thought it would make it easier for the provider. But I can see how that was a misconception. Although my current provider was very receptive to my being there a couple hours and I know she was not slighted in the least. There aren't any other kids there, though, and I can see how it would be difficult with other kids there.

[melilley]

Thank you! It has been insanely hard. I think since she was so colicky when she was little I developed a really strong bond with her.

It seems there are a few providers here that say they'd be OK with my staying. And then a couple who seem to be freaking out. So I guess there's a wide range. I think since my provider is new she might not freak out; doesn't have all the buildup from years of dealing with difficult parents. But I can see how it would come off as a slight and I don't want to diminish her confidence with my LO. And as you pointed out, there is the element of my "rescuer" mentality that might create too much anxiety while I'm there which wouldn't help anything. Eh! I need to let her know by today whether LO is coming tomorrow or not. Argh! There's so much to consider.

Maybe you could just talk to your provider and see what she thinks, then make your decision. Like you said, some providers wouldn't mind and some would. Everyone has their own opinion so do what you think is right.
But remember, if your baby knows you are there, it's totally a total different situation than if you wouldn't be there, there's no way around that.

I honestly will admit that I spoil (to a certain extent) my ds, (he is 1) despite everything I know from studying (I have a degree in child dev.) and all the experience I have, and from reading on here and other internet stuff, BUT he is here with me and I'm the one that has to deal with what happens because I do spoil him. And by spoil, I don't mean that I let him get away with everything, because I don't do that, but I spoil him in an affectionate way (if that makes sense). If I want to rock him to sleep for some one on one, I will, things like that. But then again, he is here with me, other people do not have to rock him because I do-just an example.

[Unregistered]

Ok I am very confused. You need care 2 times a week for 4 hours each so 8 hours total. Even if she isn't drinking a bottle for provider.. she can go 4 hours. I have had many kidos that started out not drinking as much for me and waiting for mom.
If your comfortable with the provider you have chosen and she is not complaining about your child crying I would let the two of them figure out what works for them.
If I am reading this right 2 days a week, so she has been there 2 1/2 weeks. With the 2 days it will take her a while to figure out the pattern! Children need lots of repetition to figure out what is going on.
Instead of staying, I might drop her off for an hour and a half and then pick up. Work up to the 4 hours.
As a provider I could not accommodate you staying for 4 hours!

She is very part time right now but I'm going to gradually increase her time there until she goes every day, full time. I have until mid January to get her to full time.

[DaycareMom]

Feel free to link that article. I would love to see if it references reliable sources, was written by someone with many years of childcare and child development, etc, etc.

Yes Please link that article you read. I have never heard of anyone saying that it would be easier to transition a child that way.
I would love to read this article! New info is always good!

[DaycareMom]

One article suggested that I stay with her and get her used to the new environment and then gradually cut back on the amount of time that I'm there.

Sorry I quoted the wrong person - but you mentioned in your original post that you read an article ^^^ Can you post the link?