My Husband Was Arrested-OMG I Need Help!

[littlemissmuffet]

The more I read, the more I can guarantee this is just the tip of the iceberg... cheating is one thing, cheating with a hooker is a whole new ballgame. I'm inclined to think there are some more serious sexual issues going on.

Most people who cheat do it with exes, friends, mistresses - someone the cheater gets to know and can emotionally connect with. Many people don't realize that when people cheat it has nothing to do with sex, or the attractiveness of the cheater's partner - it's that the cheater is lacking an emotional connection with their partner and seek it elsewhere.

This obviously isn't the case here - your husband's having sex with hookers. You know of two times for certain, and I promise you - there have been plenty more. The kind of person who would risk your life - both physically and emotionally - just to fulfil some sexual desires isn't the kind of person you want to continue a life with. I assure you.

[originalkat]

Deat God....please wrap this woman in love. Please surround her with loving people who love and will listen to her. Please send her clarity in decisions she faces. You and only you know all the details and what path is best for her to take. Please be with her husband as well. Please shield them from unwarranted judgement. Please send her peace that paasseth understanding. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

Amen.

[Unregistered]

Deat God....please wrap this woman in love. Please surround her with loving people who love and will listen to her. Please send her clarity in decisions she faces. You and only you know all the details and what path is best for her to take. Please be with her husband as well. Please shield them from unwarranted judgement. Please send her peace that paasseth understanding. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thank you. This is exactly what I need. I just took a screen shot of this so I can refer back to it throughout the day.I love the part about unwarranted judgement. :Hugs:

[craftymissbeth]

The more I read, the more I can guarantee this is just the tip of the iceberg... cheating is one thing, cheating with a hooker is a whole new ballgame. I'm inclined to think there are some more serious sexual issues going on.

Most people who cheat do it with exes, friends, mistresses - someone the cheater gets to know and can emotionally connect with. Many people don't realize that when people cheat it has nothing to do with sex, or the attractiveness of the cheater's partner - it's that the cheater is lacking an emotional connection with their partner and seek it elsewhere.

This obviously isn't the case here - your husband's having sex with hookers. You know of two times for certain, and I promise you - there have been plenty more. The kind of person who would risk your life - both physically and emotionally - just to fulfil some sexual desires isn't the kind of person you want to continue a life with. I assure you.

I agree. Sex with a prostitute or one night stand results in one outcome - physical gratification. If he had been having sex with a co worker, friend, ex, mistress that results in not only physical but also emotional gratification. And this wasn't a one time I wonder how exciting it would be exploration type thing.

What I'm trying to say is he needs immediate and long term therapy to sort out what's going on. But if he doesn't admit to having a problem then quite frankly there will be no point... OP, you're right that he needs his come to Jesus moment.

:hug:

[Unregistered]

So he did admit last night that he used hookers when he was married to his ex-wife and when he was single before we started dating. He said that he thought when he met me he was healed and he admitted that he had "issues" and it was a "sickness", he said that he screwed up about a year ago and then felt terrible about it and then he just did it this last time when he was caught. I don't believe it was just the 2 times with me AT ALL. He wasn't very convincing and I think he just didn't want to hurt me any further. He agreed to going to therapy. He said he will go forever if he needs to and he said he would do whatever it takes. He said he had gone to a therapist years ago and the therapist didn't help much at all, from what he said. I think maybe he wasn't as honest as he could be about his issues.

What probably needs to happen is that him and I need to go to a therapist first together so I can state what I know, what I think I know and sort of lay the ground work. Then, let him talk to the therapist privately for a few weeks until the therapist thinks its appropriate for me to come back. I want him to feel comfortable with someone to lay everything out and really put a plan into place. Even if I decide to leave him, I want him to get help. I'm not in a hurry to just divorce him. It may happen, I don't know. I know I'm not going to be having sex with him anytime soon, so nobody worry on that one!

By the way, we have only been married for a year and a half and we dated for about 2 1/2 years prior. We've been together for 4 years this month. I know thats not a lot of time, but we have 5 kids between us, so I don't want to rush into breaking everyones hearts too quickly. My kids LOVE him. They are older (middle and high school ages) and they both would always tell me if he ever did anything weird or inappropriate, just wanting to put that out there because I would be worried about that if I was looking into this from the outside.

[tjones34]

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[LaLa1923]

The more I read, the more I can guarantee this is just the tip of the iceberg... cheating is one thing, cheating with a hooker is a whole new ballgame. I'm inclined to think there are some more serious sexual issues going on.

Most people who cheat do it with exes, friends, mistresses - someone the cheater gets to know and can emotionally connect with. Many people don't realize that when people cheat it has nothing to do with sex, or the attractiveness of the cheater's partner - it's that the cheater is lacking an emotional connection with their partner and seek it elsewhere.

This obviously isn't the case here - your husband's having sex with hookers. You know of two times for certain, and I promise you - there have been plenty more. The kind of person who would risk your life - both physically and emotionally - just to fulfil some sexual desires isn't the kind of person you want to continue a life with. I assure you.

I do not agree with the bold. That is why WOMEN cheat, not men. Men cheat because it's available or for a thrill. Men are not emotional cheaters like women.

[littlemissmuffet]

I do not agree with the bold. That is why WOMEN cheat, not men. Men cheat because it's available or for a thrill. Men are not emotional cheaters like women.

I understand that is your opinion and you do not agree, but the studies show that indeed most men do cheat for emotional and mental stimulation rather than purely for sexual stimulation.

The men who cheat for the thrill are the kind of men that the OP is married to and would cheat with a hooker - because there is no emotional connection. But this is not the norm.

[Meeko]

So very sorry to read this. HUGE hugs coming your way. :hug:

Take as much time as you need to get through this...whatever you decide. He will have to wait and accept that EVERYTHING is your decision now. My brother went through something similar when his first wife was unfaithful. Such a roller coaster of feelings. Anger, sadness, despair, questions, self-doubt even.

You can get through this and we are all here for you. Ears to listen and virtual shoulders to cry on. Bless you hun lovethis

[e.j.]

but we have 5 kids between us, so I don't want to rush into breaking everyones hearts too quickly. My kids LOVE him.

Such a heartbreaking situation for all of you. I'm sorry you're going through this and will pray that you find the strength you need to get through it.

[Lucy]

I do not agree with the bold. That is why WOMEN cheat, not men. Men cheat because it's available or for a thrill. Men are not emotional cheaters like women.

Oh, no, no, no.....

My husband's sister was cheated on by her husband. He met someone and they had a fling. She found out, he fessed up, they cried, they stayed together. A few years later, he got back with the same girl (the beotch came to his work and pretty much seduced him back.) She found out again, he fessed up again, he'd never, ever do it again, he loves her, etc. They cried, they stayed together.

The idiot did it AGAIN a few years later. Same girl. So this time, the couple went to therapy for months. It came out that, while their physical relationship was fine, he did not feel emotionally "completed" by her. He didn't get want he needed out of the relationship. He didn't feel supported nor understood. (He had a crappy childhood, and his dad was a humongous jerk.)

So he cheated for the emotional fulfillment of a woman who would lift him up. I will admit, my husband's sister is demanding and perfectionist, and can be cold-hearted when it comes to giving someone sympathy. So I totally understand it.

Btw, they're still together. It started 13 years ago, and he ended the 3rd go-round with this girl about 2-3 years ago. My sister-in-law hasn't really changed much, and tells me occasionally that she wishes she could get out of the marriage, but she wouldn't make it financially and won't put her 12 & 17 yr old daughters through that.

[littlemissmuffet]

Oh, no, no, no.....

My husband's sister was cheated on by her husband. He met someone and they had a fling. She found out, he fessed up, they cried, they stayed together. A few years later, he got back with the same girl (the beotch came to his work and pretty much seduced him back.) She found out again, he fessed up again, he'd never, ever do it again, he loves her, etc. They cried, they stayed together.

The idiot did it AGAIN a few years later. Same girl. So this time, the couple went to therapy for months. It came out that, while their physical relationship was fine, he did not feel emotionally "completed" by her. He didn't get want he needed out of the relationship. He didn't feel supported nor understood. (He had a crappy childhood, and his dad was a humongous jerk.)

So he cheated for the emotional fulfillment of a woman who would lift him up. I will admit, my husband's sister is demanding and perfectionist, and can be cold-hearted when it comes to giving someone sympathy. So I totally understand it.

Btw, they're still together. It started 13 years ago, and he ended the 3rd go-round with this girl about 2-3 years ago. My sister-in-law hasn't really changed much, and tells me occasionally that she wishes she could get out of the marriage, but she wouldn't make it financially and won't put her 12 & 17 yr old daughters through that.

So many people are under the false impression that men are not emotionally driven - that all they think about is sex. This just simply isn't true, and this misbelief is creating a society where men aren't being emotionally supported... which can lead to cheating! It's a vicious cycle.

[CedarCreek]

So many people are under the false impression that men are not emotionally driven - that all they think about is sex. This just simply isn't true, and this misbelief is creating a society where men aren't being emotionally supported... which can lead to cheating! It's a vicious cycle.

I agree with this. I admit that I can be kind of cold and unsupportive towards Dh. If he ever cheated on me, I'm certain it would be for the emotional aspect.

So I need to work harder on that.

[Unregistered]

So, here's the latest update. We talked again last night and he has yet (no surprise) admitted to a few more. (duh). He has found a sex addiction treatment center and an individual counselor to go to. He also talked to someone on the phone last night through a hotline. He was pretty much suicidal last night. I basically at one point was like, I'm done, we are getting divorced, blah blah blah. But, at the very least I offered my friendship to him. We are best friends which makes this all that more difficult. He said he really needed a friend and that he would wait forever for me to love him again.

We have a lot planned for this holiday season. I at first thought- lets cancel it all, but now I think we are going to fake our way through it. I need to do it for the kids. I am such a strong person, the last few nights have certainly weakened me, but I woke up this morning with a sense of calmness and peace.

Thank you all for your prayers and your concerns. You all here are the only ones in the world that I have been able to share this with. Your support has been amazing. I am going to see a counselor and also go to a group support for spouses that deal with this. I know that everything that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe one day I will be able to help someone else who has gone through the same thing I have gone through.

Love you guys!

[Unregistered]

So, here's the latest update. We talked again last night and he has yet (no surprise) admitted to a few more. (duh). He has found a sex addiction treatment center and an individual counselor to go to. He also talked to someone on the phone last night through a hotline. He was pretty much suicidal last night. I basically at one point was like, I'm done, we are getting divorced, blah blah blah. But, at the very least I offered my friendship to him. We are best friends which makes this all that more difficult. He said he really needed a friend and that he would wait forever for me to love him again.

We have a lot planned for this holiday season. I at first thought- lets cancel it all, but now I think we are going to fake our way through it. I need to do it for the kids. I am such a strong person, the last few nights have certainly weakened me, but I woke up this morning with a sense of calmness and peace.

Thank you all for your prayers and your concerns. You all here are the only ones in the world that I have been able to share this with. Your support has been amazing. I am going to see a counselor and also go to a group support for spouses that deal with this. I know that everything that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe one day I will be able to help someone else who has gone through the same thing I have gone through.

Love you guys!

It does sound like your husband has some sexual addiction problems and is more extreme than what I went through with my husband. Our relationship really fell apart when I was pregnant and it was the worst year for us out of our 8 years together so far. Before I learned about the hooker I had found out about a online relationship he had gotten into with this other girl that had been going on for months. That was 100% for an emotional connection because he was lacking that with me at the time, so men aren't always driven by sex. He was never fourth coming about anything and through my snooping I learned the truth. Only when confronted with the real truth did he finally fess up. Honestly learning these things was very hard, but I would have much preferred to learn everything at once than to have to drawn out over a 2 month or so process. Definitely an extremely stressful time, but being able to see us now and him being a fantastic father has made it worthwhile. If you can stay with your husband and make it work I would encourage you to do so, especially if he's willing to get help, but I can see how it would be much harder for you in your situation than it was for me. If anyone has suggestions on how the OP and I might be able to connect without having to disclose who we are on here please share! Huge hugs to you lady cause the next month is going to be a rough one for you.