My Husband Was Arrested-OMG I Need Help!

[Blackcat31]

Well, it seems that we have a bigger issue on our hands. He lied about the DUI and the open container. He was arrested for answering an ad for a prostitute. It was a police sting. Yup. My husband was trying to pick up a prostitute. I am besides myself. I feel numb, in a fog, like I will soon wake up from this nightmare. I actually called the jail myself to find out what the actual charge was for. When he got out and called me, I pressured him to tell me what really happened and he told me. He said he did it before about a year ago as well. I couldn't even ask him anymore questions. Do I have more questions? Yes. Do I want the answers? I have no idea. What do I do? Besides being tested, obviously. He was crying and said this is so humiliating and he will never ever do it again, ever and he will do anything and that it isnt me, its him and now all of the sudden he tells me he was molested when he was a kid and in that moment. I didn't care what happened to him when he was a kid. It wasn't a good enough excuse for me. He is always so sentimental with me and so sensitive and this is not something I expected from him AT ALL. We have a very good life and are intimate very regularly, probably more so than the majority of married spouses. I know for sure this does not have to do with me. I don't mean that to sound caulky, but I am a really good wife. I am younger than him, I take care of myself, I'm attractive, I am very kind and caring, I did not deserve this.

I can't even believe that I don't feel the instant need to divorce him. Am I crazy? I don't know what to think. I had my on call employee come over today and told her that I wasn't feeling well so I could have her watch the kids and I can relax in my room for a while. I just couldn't feel happy and cheerful for the kids today. I have nobody to talk to in my real life. I don't feel like I can tell anyone.

Oh Hun, I am so sorry.

I wish I knew the right words but I think in this situation you need to do what YOU need to do.

No one can really tell you what that is.

Talking helps. Vent away if you need too...although many of us don't always see eye to eye on this board, I do know one thing and that is that we are all very nurturing and understanding as well as supportive.

If there is anything you need, please feel free to PM me anytime. I don't have all the answers but I am a great listener and can definitely offer you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.

Hang in there..... :hug:

[TwinKristi]

Oh my gosh I'm sooooo sorry! :-( I had a feeling something bigger was going on as none of those things really added up. I don't think you're crazy for not wanting to divorce him (yet anyway...) but I would definitely look into counseling for him or you both. And also, many MANY people were molested and while it's horribly sad, it doesn't give him the right to hurt you or your family.
And to your original question... This may effect your licensure.

[melilley]

:hug: I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

I know this is an online forum and nobody really knows each other personally, but seriously, get out whatever you need to get out! If you don't, it will just build up and built up and eat at you. This would be a hard thing to talk to family or friends about, but if you can find just one person to talk to, it could help, and if not, there's us!

[Unregistered]

I am so sorry. If you do not feel the immediate need to divorce him...DON'T! If he wants to fight for your marriage, make him prove it. How? Give you ALL his passwords to all emails and devices. Put a filter on your computer to track websites he visits. When he is out of town...call him...random...and he needs to happily accept that. Marriage is worth fighting for when both are fighting for it.

Thank you. I just had a thought of putting together a "Post Nuptual (sp?) agreement. Something about having to take a lie detector test every 6 months and if he fails in regards to infedelity at all then he owes me x amount of money. I already have all of his passwords, but I'm sure I don't have all of his email accounts. Thats the problem. I don't want to monitor all of that and be paranoid. Maybe if I just say, hey- you are going to be taking a polygraph every 6 months, you fail, you are gone and so is your money! I go from hearing a song and crying to being mad to writing up legal documents.

Apparently my life isn't a jouney, just a roller coaster!

[originalkat]

Oh man, I am so sorry this is happening. Im sure your life feels like its been turned upside down in an instant. I will be praying for peace and resolution for you and your family.

[Unregistered]

I honestly was going to guess that the minute you said he didn't want to discuss it and didn't go into more detail.So sorry,you should probably go get yourself tested for a disease. I guarantee this was not a once or twice kind of deal.My thoughts-disgusting! Move on! I believe in saving marriages but I would be too humiliated to continue and you are right-it has nothing to do with you personally.Even if you were fat and didn't take care of yourself and only had sex once a month.That is not an excuse to pick up a prostitute!

I am definately going to get tested, and my thoughts exactly, totally disgusting! I know its probably a lot more than once or twice too. I don't know if I will continue in the marriage or not. Shoot, I don't even know if I want to talk to him in the next couple of hours. I'm living minute to minute, breath to breath. I have always told him that I would leave him if he ever cheated, but it's so much more complicated than that! Errr!!!

[Unregistered]

Oh Hun, I am so sorry.

I wish I knew the right words but I think in this situation you need to do what YOU need to do.

No one can really tell you what that is.

Talking helps. Vent away if you need too...although many of us don't always see eye to eye on this board, I do know one thing and that is that we are all very nurturing and understanding as well as supportive.

If there is anything you need, please feel free to PM me anytime. I don't have all the answers but I am a great listener and can definitely offer you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.

Hang in there..... :hug:

Thank you so much! It's true, we do all butt heads from time to time, but in the end we are all nurturing. Right now this is the only place I really feel comfortable venting because I know you guys are all moms and most are or have been married and you all can understand how isolating and lonely this business can be.

Hugs

[hope]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You do sound like a great wife. Through out all of this please remember that you are. No need to make any decisions now. Take some time to deal with your emotions and grieve. Put yourself and your needs first while dealing with this and things will come together in time.

[dalman]

I would highly recommend finding someone to talk to, to help you work through this. Your pastor, a counselor, even a walk in counseling clinic. Your first priority is YOU. Take care of yourself. I would require that he goes to counseling for sexual addicts and join a good sa group (much like aa). If you are both really committed to making this work, it can be done, but it won't be easy. He needs to lay all the cards on the table and come totally clean. He has been lying for a long time, so for now, assume that everything he tells you is lie and that there is more that he is not telling you. Be transparent but not stupid. Be wise. There is hope. You can do this. Whatever you decide, it will be okay. Remember, you have done nothing wrong here. This is his problem and he needs help. Peace to you.

[littlemissmuffet]

I am sick to my stomach for you... and teary eyed. I was reading the initial post to my hubs, and reading through I finally got to your update... I got very upset and emotional while reading it to my husband.

I told him if something like this happened to us, by the time he got back to town my DD and I would be LONG GONE, and there would be NOTHING left in the house. You ruin my life, I'll take away yours. But that's just me.

I am so so so very sorry you are going through this. Please, talk it out -whether it be here, with a friend or family member. You're going to go through a wide range of emotions and you someone to be there for you.

Lots of love and hugs to you. lovethis

[lovemylife]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I always used to say if you cheat on me you are out of my life. But when you are put in that situation it's not such an easy decision. I stayed with my husband and our marriage is great now. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me ! Life feels impossible right now but I promise it will get better! :hug:

[MCC]

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what the best words to say are, but I'm glad you have this forum to talk through this. Like PP, I also think finding someone in person to talk to will benefit you.

I know that I'm not a super regular poster, but if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me..

I hope you find some time to clear your head over the next few days. Be kind to yourself.

[Unregistered]

Thank you so much! It's true, we do all butt heads from time to time, but in the end we are all nurturing. Right now this is the only place I really feel comfortable venting because I know you guys are all moms and most are or have been married and you all can understand how isolating and lonely this business can be.

Hugs

So I didn't log in due to privacy, but I know exactly how you feel. My husband got arrested for the same thing last year when I was 9 months pregnant. It wasn't a sting or anything, but he got pulled over immediately after picking up a prosetitue. He never went to jail cause he admitted everything to the cop and was given his court date right then. He didn't tell me about it until after he had gone to court, which was a week after our son was born. It was literally the worst thing I have ever experienced. He had to do a number of things to get the charges dropped since it was his first offense, one of them being a class that cost $1,000, plus lawyer fees. It didn't impact my license and for my state it wasn't a high enough charge to matter. I urge you to take some time before making a decision to get divorced or not. I also had the thought if he cheats I will leave, but once you're in that position with a 1 week old baby the world looks a whole lot different. I was VERY paranoid and untrusting of him for awhile, but it did get better. I believed him when he told me he had never done anything like that before and getting caught scared him ****less so I know he will never do it again. I wish there was a way to share my contact info with you without reveling myself. I too told no one about this and had to deal with it on my own. It was tough, but we are in such a better place now so it was well worth it. BIG hugs mama!

[Margarete]

So I didn't log in due to privacy, but I know exactly how you feel. My husband got arrested for the same thing last year when I was 9 months pregnant. ................. I wish there was a way to share my contact info with you without reveling myself. I too told no one about this and had to deal with it on my own. It was tough, but we are in such a better place now so it was well worth it. BIG hugs mama!

Maybe if OP is PM someone else on the board, you can message them too and exchange contact information that way.

To OP and anyone else who has had to deal with this big hugs! :hug: I'm so sorry, I hope you are are going to be okay. Definitely talk to someone, maybe a counselor, or some of the wonderful people on this board. I can understand not wanting to talk to people you know. I'm very private about things that can negatively affect how people view those close to me. Some of my friends and family members would hold a grudge forever hearing about someone hurting me.
It's not fun to have bad news just before the holidays. Take care of yourself, give yourself time... and find ways to step away from it sometimes too (it's too exhausting and draining to focus on bad all of the time). Even if you don't have anyone close by that you would want to talk to about it... just getting out for a girls night out (and completely stepping away from the issue) would be good to do too.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I cannot even imagine what I would do........:hug:
This might effect your license. How horrible.