My Husband Was Arrested-OMG I Need Help!

[LaLa1923]

Thank you. I just had a thought of putting together a "Post Nuptual (sp?) agreement. Something about having to take a lie detector test every 6 months and if he fails in regards to infedelity at all then he owes me x amount of money. I already have all of his passwords, but I'm sure I don't have all of his email accounts. Thats the problem. I don't want to monitor all of that and be paranoid. Maybe if I just say, hey- you are going to be taking a polygraph every 6 months, you fail, you are gone and so is your money! I go from hearing a song and crying to being mad to writing up legal documents.

Apparently my life isn't a jouney, just a roller coaster!

You do what YOU need to do. take some time and wait until your emotionally better. He will have a lot of proving to do in order to earn back your trust.

hang in there!!

[Great Beginnings]

My heart breaks for you

I have a friend whose husband is a sex addict as they refer to it. They have been married 8 years and have 2 children. She thought everything was perfect and then found out he had been going on websites, outings and making expensive phone calls to sex chats. To be honest, except for this one thing they really are a great couple and happy. Every few months or so he slips up and does it again. They don't talk and she gets very hurt, upset mad etc and they don't talk for a few weeks but then she forgives and they work past it.

Personally, I don't understand it, but it's not my place to understand it either. As a friend it's my place to just listen, support and be there. My first marriage ended due to cheating. I wouldn't tolerate it and I left with my 1 year old son so I would have a harder time understanding. Just remember that and keep in mind that's it's no one's place to judge or tell you what to do. Take advice with a grain of salt and remember it's not your fault.

[crazydaycarelady]

I am so sorry this happened! I am not sure what I would do but my first instinct would be to boot him out (of the house) but most definitely out of the bedroom. You need time to think this through. Good luck to you!

[Unregistered]

So I didn't log in due to privacy, but I know exactly how you feel. My husband got arrested for the same thing last year when I was 9 months pregnant. It wasn't a sting or anything, but he got pulled over immediately after picking up a prosetitue. He never went to jail cause he admitted everything to the cop and was given his court date right then. He didn't tell me about it until after he had gone to court, which was a week after our son was born. It was literally the worst thing I have ever experienced. He had to do a number of things to get the charges dropped since it was his first offense, one of them being a class that cost $1,000, plus lawyer fees. It didn't impact my license and for my state it wasn't a high enough charge to matter. I urge you to take some time before making a decision to get divorced or not. I also had the thought if he cheats I will leave, but once you're in that position with a 1 week old baby the world looks a whole lot different. I was VERY paranoid and untrusting of him for awhile, but it did get better. I believed him when he told me he had never done anything like that before and getting caught scared him ****less so I know he will never do it again. I wish there was a way to share my contact info with you without reveling myself. I too told no one about this and had to deal with it on my own. It was tough, but we are in such a better place now so it was well worth it. BIG hugs mama!

Wow, I cannot imagine this with a newborn. You must have thought you were in the twilight zone. I am so sorry! We talked more last night and I would go from feeling so sad to crazy angry. I hung up on him twice because I felt like he was talking like a politician.
I do think I need to protect myself financially. I told him I definately want a post-nup. We do not have kids together, we both have kids from previous marriages so I want spousal support if things don't work out. He said he will do whatever I want, he was completely on board. He said he would take polygraphs every 6 months, he would go to counseling, he would do whatever it took. I think I also need to demand a nice SLR camera for Christmas as well. And I want it wrapped with real wrapping paper, not in the bag from the store. And I want new flooring for my daycare room.

Truth is, I just wish I had that feeling of security and trust back. That's all I really want. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I can't imagine these people in the public eye whose laundry gets aired out for everyone to see. That would be humiliating!

I'm so grateful for my kids today and all of their hugs. If only they knew how much their love was helping me today

[MissAnn]

Deat God....please wrap this woman in love. Please surround her with loving people who love and will listen to her. Please send her clarity in decisions she faces. You and only you know all the details and what path is best for her to take. Please be with her husband as well. Please shield them from unwarranted judgement. Please send her peace that paasseth understanding. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

[Unregistered]

Wow, I cannot imagine this with a newborn. You must have thought you were in the twilight zone. I am so sorry! We talked more last night and I would go from feeling so sad to crazy angry. I hung up on him twice because I felt like he was talking like a politician.
I do think I need to protect myself financially. I told him I definately want a post-nup. We do not have kids together, we both have kids from previous marriages so I want spousal support if things don't work out. He said he will do whatever I want, he was completely on board. He said he would take polygraphs every 6 months, he would go to counseling, he would do whatever it took. I think I also need to demand a nice SLR camera for Christmas as well. And I want it wrapped with real wrapping paper, not in the bag from the store. And I want new flooring for my daycare room.

Truth is, I just wish I had that feeling of security and trust back. That's all I really want. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I can't imagine these people in the public eye whose laundry gets aired out for everyone to see. That would be humiliating!

I'm so grateful for my kids today and all of their hugs. If only they knew how much their love was helping me today

Can I ask why his first marriage ended, Did they have similar issues? How willing was he to save that marriage? That could possibly say a lot about how he feels about you since he is so eager to agree.

Do any of the kids know what's going on? How long have you been married now?

[nannyde]

Wow, I cannot imagine this with a newborn. You must have thought you were in the twilight zone. I am so sorry! We talked more last night and I would go from feeling so sad to crazy angry. I hung up on him twice because I felt like he was talking like a politician.
I do think I need to protect myself financially. I told him I definately want a post-nup. We do not have kids together, we both have kids from previous marriages so I want spousal support if things don't work out. He said he will do whatever I want, he was completely on board. He said he would take polygraphs every 6 months, he would go to counseling, he would do whatever it took. I think I also need to demand a nice SLR camera for Christmas as well. And I want it wrapped with real wrapping paper, not in the bag from the store. And I want new flooring for my daycare room.

Truth is, I just wish I had that feeling of security and trust back. That's all I really want. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I can't imagine these people in the public eye whose laundry gets aired out for everyone to see. That would be humiliating!

I'm so grateful for my kids today and all of their hugs. If only they knew how much their love was helping me today

I think a polygraph right away to see if the two times were the only times and to see if he has any other sex stuff like child interest or internet ****, mistress.... might as well start with a clean slate and get it all out. If he refuses you will know the answers.

I've never been married so I can't offer too much but sistah you can call me ANY time. My phone number is 515 619 1564

You can block your number. I don't have to know who you are.

[Jack Sprat]

:hug: Your in my prayers! My advice is to just breathe and take one minute at a time. Its a lot to process.

[Unregistered]

Can I ask why his first marriage ended, Did they have similar issues? How willing was he to save that marriage? That could possibly say a lot about how he feels about you since he is so eager to agree.

Do any of the kids know what's going on? How long have you been married now?

His first marriage ended after 20 years. She was in a mental institution, she is diagnosed with bipolar and some other things. He did admit to me to cheating on her, but not to prostitution. The story was basically very sad where he stayed to take care of the kids and make sure she was taking her meds. His mother had verified the story, his ex-wife even admitted to me that he only stayed to take care of her and the kids. She did say he had a couple of affairs, but she also said she didn't blame him because she was so crazy (her words, not mine). He financially supports her, she has NEVER been able to work.

I justified him cheating on her before because of the situation. Not something I would normally do, but I felt that I did my homework. None of our kids know what is going on at all. He has his kids this weekend, and I am having him take them on a mini vacation to see his mom. I don't have my kids this weekend and I don't feel like faking it for him.

As some of you suggested, I made plans with a couple of girlfriends this weekend. We are going to one of those wine and art places where you paint a picture while you drink. Don't worry, one of my friends is pregnant, so she will be the DD. Two glasses of wine for me is my limit. Shoot, half a glass and I will feel good. Not trying to drink my pain away, but I need an escape.

It's so hard when he is my very best friend. We make each other laugh like no other. We do everything together. He always provides for us, there has never been a time when he does not answer my calls. Everyone that I have met that he works with or his family always says- oh, he speaks so highly of you, I know he really loves you.

He just sent me a text- "Please forgive me. It's all I can say. I'm totally alone without you. I'll do anything."

[nannyde]

His first marriage ended after 20 years. She was in a mental institution, she is diagnosed with bipolar and some other things. He did admit to me to cheating on her, but not to prostitution. The story was basically very sad where he stayed to take care of the kids and make sure she was taking her meds. His mother had verified the story, his ex-wife even admitted to me that he only stayed to take care of her and the kids. She did say he had a couple of affairs, but she also said she didn't blame him because she was so crazy (her words, not mine). He financially supports her, she has NEVER been able to work.

I justified him cheating on her before because of the situation. Not something I would normally do, but I felt that I did my homework. None of our kids know what is going on at all. He has his kids this weekend, and I am having him take them on a mini vacation to see his mom. I don't have my kids this weekend and I don't feel like faking it for him.

As some of you suggested, I made plans with a couple of girlfriends this weekend. We are going to one of those wine and art places where you paint a picture while you drink. Don't worry, one of my friends is pregnant, so she will be the DD. Two glasses of wine for me is my limit. Shoot, half a glass and I will feel good. Not trying to drink my pain away, but I need an escape.

It's so hard when he is my very best friend. We make each other laugh like no other. We do everything together. He always provides for us, there has never been a time when he does not answer my calls. Everyone that I have met that he works with or his family always says- oh, he speaks so highly of you, I know he really loves you.

He just sent me a text- "Please forgive me. It's all I can say. I'm totally alone without you. I'll do anything."

Start by telling him you want a lie detector test done immediately. If he is lying now at his most vulnerable time you will know he's in too deap. Full disclosure will most likely come without the lie detector test. I have a feeling this isn't his second time since being with you. I also think he may have way more going on. The odds of full disclosure when first getting popped is really low. Being sorry will be shown with full disclosure.

I think this is way more complicated than hiring a hooker. There is a chance that once he has come to jesus with you completely that you guys can make it work and fulfill his needs. Us humans are complicated and there may be ways to satisfy his interest without law breaking and sneaking around. Maybe he couldn't be honest with you about what he really wants.

[melilley]

As some of you suggested, I made plans with a couple of girlfriends this weekend. We are going to one of those wine and art places where you paint a picture while you drink. Don't worry, one of my friends is pregnant, so she will be the DD. Two glasses of wine for me is my limit. Shoot, half a glass and I will feel good. Not trying to drink my pain away, but I need an escape.

"

Good for you! I hope you have fun, sounds like you deserve a night with friends and wine!

[Unregistered]

Start by telling him you want a lie detector test done immediately. If he is lying now at his most vulnerable time you will know he's in too deap. Full disclosure will most likely come without the lie detector test. I have a feeling this isn't his second time since being with you. I also think he may have way more going on. The odds of full disclosure when first getting popped is really low. Being sorry will be shown with full disclosure.

I think this is way more complicated than hiring a hooker. There is a chance that once he has come to jesus with you completely that you guys can make it work and fulfill his needs. Us humans are complicated and there may be ways to satisfy his interest without law breaking and sneaking around. Maybe he couldn't be honest with you about what he really wants.

I think you are spot on! I'm going to have him get a lie detector soon. I feel like part of me can't handle too much more information at this minute, but I need to make sure I know what I'm in for. I kind of want him to just lay all the cards on the table, have that coming to Jesus moment, and then do a lie detector test every 6 months for like 3 years, and then maybe once a year after that. He said he would do it. I don't at all think it was a 2 time occurance. AT ALL.

[Holladee]

I am so sorry. Thinking about you.

[TwinKristi]

I really don't mean this offensively but what good is a lie detector going to do? What if he fails but swears he wasn't lying? Then what do you do? I am the kind of person who has to think through a few outcomes before making a choice. It's the anxious person in me. What if you go and find out all sorts of lies? Is that going to help? What if 2 years down the road he fails one but still want to work things out? I guess I just don't see the point of a lie detector and where do you even find those services?? At what expense? I would hope that if he's willing to fess up to this and work this out, he needs to come clean on ANYTHING & EVERYTHING!! Also, a lie detector can have inconclusive results which would leave you back at square one. And if he believes his own lies, he can also pass a test even if he's lying. It's hard to do but hey, he fooled you twice already right? I'm not advocating divorce, but I think counseling and working on building trust would go much further than lie detector tests. Then he can have perhaps 6 months of relapse before you find out in a lie detector test? If you truly don't trust him (which I wouldn't either) than I would make some hard thought decisions. It sounds like you both love each other but perhaps he has a problem he needs help with. Perhaps a sex addiction? **** addiction? I've read recently that with internet **** being so accessible it's making men have this unrealistic idea of what sex is and human contact just isn't enough to get "there" so they have to have these other outlets that perhaps will do what will please him. That's not your fault either! That's his issue to work on. You stated before you're very active and can't see him doing this for lack of action at home but perhaps it's because he can't have some twisted fantasy (maybe during his rough patch in his last marriage he developed a dysfunction after an unhealthy relationship with his ex wife) with you that he can with someone being paid to do what he wants?? (Yuck, sorry that's icky to even type...) I'm simply speculating because he sounds like a good guy otherwise.

[missy]

if you email me i can share some info with you.