I Feel Like A Jerk....But I Think I Shouldn't

[sleepinghart]

I asked the mom last Thursday right out about why is was not brought up, and that is exactly what she said. DCG was only 11 months when she started here, so it was completely normal that she wasn't talking at that point. I told her that I understood how it was forgotten, but now that she isn't talking or responding to basic commands like "sit down", "No", "lets go" I wanted to see what the Dr. says at her 18 month appointment. After that appointment I wanted to have a discussion about what the plans are for helping her communicate.

Just FTR how this was brought up in the first place was last month. DCM asked me if DCG was talking at all at my house. I told her no, and she said "Oh, did we mention she had a traumatic birth that caused hearing loss". So Mom brought the speech issue up, not me.

I had a DCB here started around 14 months and left at 19 months. During that time he did not start talking. They brought him in for evaluations and it was a simple speech delay. Mom came in and had a hour long talk with me about how I am supposed to help DCB learn basic words. She basically trained me on what she had been trained to do. THAT is how this should be dealt with.

I am perfectly comfortable caring for a child who needs help communicating, I just need to know how to move forward with it, now that it is known that she has some "hearing loss". I however am NOT going to continue to have DCM be rude and dismissive to me.

~Hi MCC ! I'm just wondering if there have been any updates to this situation if you don't mind my asking & I also went ahead and added a few thoughts I had while catching up with this thread.

(MCC quote)"I asked the mom last Thursday right out about why is was not brought up, and that is exactly what she said"(end quote)

~So, she knew about the hearing loss at the time of enrollment but said it just slipped her mind...She forgot, is that right(did she say how long exactly she had known btw)? Idk the woman or family but in my very personal opinion-- Well, I just don't buy that(as the reason it was not disclosed to you that is).


~From your previous thread:

(MCC quotes)"I have a 18 month DCG that has been here since June"

~So, she's been in your care for what...roughly 5 or so months?

"..HOWEVER, about a month ago she stopped napping..."


"A couple of weeks ago, DCM asked me if she was talking at my house and I said no, and then she informed me that she had some hearing loss and is supposed to be wearing aids, that she is not wearing.(end quotes)[/FONT]

~Was this the first time Mom had ever asked you this or anything related to DCG talking? If so, and this is totally & completely my thinking based on what little I know and I am very aware I could be utterly & totally wrong-- I find it a tad odd that she brought it up to you on this day and at this particular time-- I mean, after all we are talking about the dismissive woman who once said something along the lines of...."Look, I can't keep having these conversations with you" to you, right? It all seems just a bit random & very out-of-the-blue.....but I'm thinking it wasn't and that more than likely there was a very specific reason she asked you this at that point in time and that's what I'd like to know.

~Also you mentioned in one thread, concerning the naps, that Mom stated DCG didn't take afternoon naps(at home or on her watch or whatever) anymore. Do you know why that is:confused:? ...Or possibly have any ideas what may have changed within the last month or so with regard to her naps/lack thereof?


(MCC quote) "I told her that I understood how it was forgotten, but now that she isn't talking or responding to basic commands like "sit down", "No", "lets go" I wanted to see what the Dr. says at her 18 month appointment. After that appointment I wanted to have a discussion about what the plans are for helping her communicate" (end quote)

~So how did she respond to ^^all this^^? ....Promising?


~Last but not least- About Mom pulling on the account of being "offended"-

(begin MCC quotes)"She told me she was OFFENDED that I would say that there was something wrong with her child.."

~You never said anything of the sort of what she accuses. IMHO, this is a classical case of psychological projection(where one projects their very own undesirable, unmanageable, etc. emotions, traits, feelings that they cannot accept onto other people); it is a defense mechanism and a very common one at that. We project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and blame them for having thoughts that we really have- She is blaming you for the thoughts she is having or that she has had-- So when she says "I'm offended because you think that and said that there is "something wrong" with my child", she is actually saying "I strongly believe there is something wrong with my child and I can't handle that". She can protect her fragile state by making you out to be the bad guy to blame(.."it's not her who has those "bad/negative" thoughts about her very own flesh & blood-- "It's you- you awful person!")-- This is the only means of protection she has right now to a sitaution/issue that is so overwhelming to her that she cannot properly and adequately deal with it at this time without some kind of major turmoil. She is scared, anxious, etc. about the dd having hearing loss and for whatever reason she associates that as being "something wrong with her" or "not normal" and she cannot handle that...Not at this time anyway.

"I also assured her that I never said there was something wrong with her kid"

~Again, you did not say that. You've stated perfectly to us here what you said to her and it was nothing of the sort, but rather it was very kind & professional .

"And that she thinks I said her kid had something wrong with them.." (end quotes)

~Yes...Unfortunately, yes she does think you said that. And she will continue to see it that way until her 'moment of clarity' happens or "she sees the light" and hopefully that day is not too far off and she will actually surprise you by apologizing -- after getting help for her daughter of course. Like I said, it has nothing to do with you....She is scared, anxious, etc. about her dd having hearing loss and for whatever reason she associates that as being "something wrong with her" or "not normal" and she cannot handle it...Not at this time anyway. You can try and reassure her eleventy billion times that you never said that if you'd like, but it wouldn't do much good because as I said, it's all about her, and not you.


lovethislovethis

[My3cents]

The 18 month old that has hearing loss (I posted about last week) is terming. We have been having problems with naps, and behavior, and I have been very open to working with this family on the issues. Ex: moving nap time from 1pm to 2pm, as she seems to nap better at that time. I rearranged the whole day to try to work with them, and have been very understanding about the fact that they didn't tell me she had a hearing loss at the interview. IF you have other kids or plan to have other kids, you are correct in finding a schedule that works for you and in the best interest of all the children. I see nothing wrong with having this child take an afternoon nap if that is how you work your day. Most people do this. I would be blunt with parents and ask them why they felt I shouldn't know about the hearing loss? I have a space on my contract that states- Anything else I should know about your child? With several lines for notes from the parents. This is not a little something to leave out, it is kind of important to know if the child can fully hear or not-

On Friday, I had a one on one with DCM that I wanted to have a meeting with her and DCD about the actual diagnosis, and after her 18 month appointment, I would need the Dr.'s input on how to move forward. I also have a state reg. form for children with any type of "special need" and I needed it filled out by the Dr. your program and if this is what your asking for, you are in your right to have a parent give you this information. You need this information to be able to move forward and help the child.

She came today, and I could tell by the way she handed me her crumpled up check, that she was pissed. She told me that DCG only took morning naps now, and I told her that I needed her to take the PM nap, and I was going to try to get her to do that.A parent should not tell you how to run your program. They can suggest but if they out right demand this, they need to find other care that will cater to them being the boss and business owner. You do group care, group care is not nanny care or one on one care. She seemed like she needed more, so I asked "Where are you right now with keeping DCG here?" I personally would not ask this question, because it does make you seem like you hope she is going to go somewhere else. I would have rephrased this to be more on the lines of, This is where I am right now. I do group care and all my kids rest,nap or have quiet time. This is my only break of the day and it benefits everyone to have this time. I don't care for non-napping children. and she said "this is not my two weeks notice, but we are looking for other care". At that point, I would have said well I can see how you are dissatisfied with my care and not willing to try to work things out, so this is my two weeks notice to you- In the best interest of both parties I think it is best that we both move on and I wish you luck with finding care that better suits your needs. I would suggest a nanny and explain how a nanny charges much more because the services is one on on. She told me she was OFFENDED that I would say that there was something wrong with her child and that she thought I was too frustrated with DCG over the naps. I would have said I am offended that you did not tell me that your child has hearing loss from the get go and consider this my two week notice to you, care will no longer be available to you at this date.....

I reassured her that I wasn't frustrated at all, but having an 18 month old not nap, makes for a some what disorganized day, and I feel that I can't finish dishes from lunch, much less make my own lunch.Less said is more. When you say too much, you open up room for negotiation. Your not working for her. She is using your services. I also assured her that I never said there was something wrong with her kid. (She is obviously taking this very personally, as I think any mom would). I don't think any mom would take it personally. Your telling her something to help benefit her child. If she is taking it personally don't take that on. Most parents would be welcomed to hear if a child had an issue so that it can be corrected or looked at. She then said that she loves having DCG here, but she is pulling b/c she is offended. I wouldn't want to work with this parent. My response would have been the last thing I am trying to do is offend you, I am trying to help your child. This will not be the last time she hears this from a provider or teacher. Any chance she is just looking for another daycare that is less expensive and easier to manipulate- sure sounds it

I am slightly torn up about this, that she thinks I'm frustrated, which I am not, maybe annoyed, but I think frustrated is a strong word to use in reference to a child's behavior. And that she thinks I said her kid had something wrong with them. All you can do is let the comment roll off your back. I would have responded with I am more frustrated at you for not hearing what I am telling you. I am telling you these things out of concern.

Am I putting too much on this? I should just let this go right? I would let this client go, seems like your never going to please her and she is always going to want special. I don't say to term easily. I always try to work things out first. You have, if you continue to put up with this, your going to end up looking unprofessional and it could effect your other clients that see this going on, have a trickle down effect so to speak.

Also- is it fair for me to give her two weeks now, so I can fill the spot? yes, you should have called her bluff and told her well I will help you along and here is your two weeks notice. I wrote more above on this.

I am going to respond and then read to see how I align with others thoughts on this.

I would have done the same thing that you have when I first started out, but so many others here helped me to have a fair back bone and experience along the way has helped. I highly recommend that you have a rule/policy/hand book and contract, if you don't already. Don't let parents tell you how it is going to be. This is your business, your the one that is with this child 40-50 plus hours a week. If they want the kind of care that they have more control in, then a Nanny is needed.

Good luck- now going to read and see how everyone else would handle this.

[My3cents]

This is exactly my concern. There are constantly going to be things to get offended about when raising a child. Is she going to pull her out of kindergarten b/c the teacher had to discipline her and talk to them about it?

I am very open to talking to DCM about it more, except, this morning I went outside with her to talk privately (My husband was with the kids) and she said "I can't keep having these conversations everyday." This morning would be the 3rd time we have "talked" more than "DCGs day was fine." If she can't see that I am having these conversations with her to insure that we are moving forward correctly, then I'm not sure what else I can do.

You know what? I think I'm offended that she can't see how much time/energy/love I'm putting into this right now!

I would have been done with this here and now. I would have said right mom, I think it is best that you and I go our separate ways and so as of right now this is my two weeks notice. I don't work with parents that won't listen to me when I am addressing concerns about their child.

I think I would sit down write out my thoughts on paper and give her a term notice stating why you are terming, keep a copy and give her one. hugs to you-

Young Mom? Only child? Just curious

[My3cents]

There is your answer.

Why bother helping someone who clearly doesn't want the help.

I'd definitely term. I'd give two weeks notice and be CLEAR about the fact that you are doing so because you refuse to be involved with a family that is refusing to see past their emotions and use their heads...

I truly feel for their daughter as I see this being an issue for a while no matter where she attends for care.

me too. I feel bad for the child, because her needs will prob continue to be unmet. Keep your chin up and get another client in there and you will be good to go. Your love showed through your postings that your heart is in a good place, let someone else that will appreciate that come into your life. You won't be in self turmoil everyday of what your doing wrong and how you can fix it-

[My3cents]

I believe hearing loss is a special need. As you said yourself there are things you need to do for hearing impaired children. In my state I would need a special needs form filled out regarding communication in general, safety accommodations (when that 18 month old is walking towards the rd I can't say: xxx stop! Like I do for my other ones), and any medical intervention that may be relevant (hearing aids, implants, etc) plus any therapy that may be used- speech for one...
She isn't saying the child cannot be a fully functioning well adjusted child but there are def additional steps to get her there-

I agree, this provider is not discriminating the child, she is wanting to help the child and the parent is fighting it tooth and nail.

[My3cents]

Wowza. The child is not deaf. She has hearing loss that happened from a traumatic birth. According to my states licensing, I do need a form for a child with hearing loss. I also need to have the full diagnosis, as I need to decide if I am equipped to handle/help/encourage growth with this child. It should have been brought up in the interview, period.

I do know sign language, and I do understand deaf culture, I studied it extensively in college, and have several deaf friends. I understand that being deaf is not a disability. I never used the word disability with the parents. I did however say that I wasn't sure I was the right provider for DCG.

I do not know anything about deaf babies and napping, but I do know that this child is cranky/angry/crying most of the afternoon, b/c she isn't getting enough rest. I also do not know any day care providers that would allow a 18 month old to skip nap, but since she is SCREAMING during nap, that is really our only option.

Andplusalso- The kid has been prescribed hearing aids, the parents are not giving them to her- if she isn't going to being given the option to hear, she should learn sign here, and at home. Mom and Dad have no interests in teaching/learning sing, so this child is not being given the gift of communication.

I feel like after reading this you really know what is the best option for yourself to do. It is like the lights clicked in and that happens to all of us from time to time, because we invest so much of ourselves into these children and truly care- Your emotions got a hold of what your backbone was trying to tell you all along

[cheerfuldom]

update OP? if you haven't termed already, i wouldnt wait till the 21st. What are you going to do if the offended mom changes her mind and you already offered the spot to the temp family? i think you need to send home term today.

[My3cents]

I am getting the impression that they don't want to have her wear the aids or teach sign b/c they are in a bit of denial about the situation. The child has no words, none. She doesn't say anything, though she will "hum" a tune, so I know she does hear music and pitch. If I say "fish" to her, she will say "sss" back- she needs therapy, her aids, sign language, something, probably a combination of all- I am not going to be the one to tell them that, but the child deserves to be able to communicate. I would, what do you have to lose at this point? I would recommend it most definitely. I will say that not all kids talk at the same time either, but in this case you know hearing is not at 100% so most likely this is having a significant effect on the verbalization.

Something I do with my kids that have a hard time with a word that helps is that I put their hand on my throat so they can feel the vibrations of what the word sounds like- It helps. Maybe this would help, she can't hear it but she can feel the vibrations of the word along with what she can hear. Little things like this are learned in therapy and I would stress how much this would help their daughter.

Yes- for me, the biggest issue is the nap, but the parent is mad/offended anyway, so the nap is a moot point.

I responded above to some of this... and being mad and offended at you is not something I would want to work with, esp seeing how your trying to help not hinder-

[My3cents]

Oh, and, just as an Update to the actual reason I posted:

I have a 2yo on a temp spot that is ending NOV first b/c cousin baby number 2 is starting. Terming this 18 month old will allow for the 2yo to stay, so I don't need to worry about filling the spot. I already talked to 2yo DCM and they want the spot.

I'm going to give 18 month DCM two week notice on OCT 21 if they don't give me notice first. This way she thinks she is still in control and there maybe will be less hurt feelings. I am hoping she gives her notice before I do. However, if she continues to be rude at pick up and drop off, she's getting her notice tomorrow.

you go girl!!! :hug:

[My3cents]

I know you are not posting about this child being deaf or not. I am telling you that she is because her parents dont want to tell you that she is deaf so they decided to tell you she has hearing loss instead. Truth is, I am deaf myself but I tell some people that I am hearing impairment instead. It is not a big deal, anyways!

If the parents refused let their daughter to wear hearing aids, there is nothing you can do about it. We dont know the whole story. Maybe this child dont like to wear hearing aids, who knows. The most important that she needs to learn sign language that you can help her instead her parents. As you mentioned you know sign language so you can teach her so what is your point? If the parents refused to learn sign language, shame on them. Their child will hate them later, trust me. If she starts school and they will teach her sign language. She will pick it up quickly than what you think. The parents will probably still refused to learn sign language so it wont be changed. To be honest, it is none of your business about hearing aids that she should to wear it. If my child is in your daycare and if you are trying to tell me that my daughter must wear hearing aids, I would be very mad. I wasted $1,800 on my daughter's hearing aids that we bought for her out of our pocket that our insurance was not covered at that time when she was 6 months old. My daughter HATE hearing aids and I tried to give her an opportunity to hear for two years but she was NOT interested so I leave her alone. She is very happy child and she is 12 years old. She loves her life because we are great parents to her. It doesnt matter to us anymore.

It doesnt matter what I feel offended by you or not. Like I said, I dont care what others think about me. If you feel that you cant help her or having problems with your daycare parents then let them go. I do feel about this little child. I think she would be lucky to have you that you will be able to communicate with her that you already know sign language. I guess that will never happens since you are giving them a two weeks notice tomorrow. I would take this girl for that spot and helped her parents not to be embarrassed about her hearing loss or something like that. However, I closed daycare for a while to being a stay home at mom with my handsome baby that I had him a few months ago.

This is your experience, but I think most people would want the hearing aids if it could help the child to communicate that is not- This little one it sounds like has not even had the chance to give it a go yet- I would be upset with a parent if they could help better the child but refused. They have the aids, bring them to daycare and lets give them a go and see if it helps improve this child's life- I respect your experience, but don't agree it should be that way for all.

I also think this provider is giving a two weeks notice for more then just the hearing issues. Parent seems to have no respect for this provider and literally a pain in the under pants, wanting special.

[My3cents]

Safechner
:hug::hug::hug:

Gals, those of us who are deaf or hard of hearing.......we get kinda worked.up about this topic, because we live it every day.......

I get fluid in my ears a lot and I also have a little hearing loss in one ear, plus I don't hear well when other noise is around me, background noises. I get where your coming from even if I don't fully agree with all of it.

[My3cents]

I asked the mom last Thursday right out about why is was not brought up, and that is exactly what she said. DCG was only 11 months when she started here, so it was completely normal that she wasn't talking at that point. I told her that I understood how it was forgotten, but now that she isn't talking or responding to basic commands like "sit down", "No", "lets go" I wanted to see what the Dr. says at her 18 month appointment. After that appointment I wanted to have a discussion about what the plans are for helping her communicate.

Just FTR how this was brought up in the first place was last month. DCM asked me if DCG was talking at all at my house. I told her no, and she said "Oh, did we mention she had a traumatic birth that caused hearing loss". So Mom brought the speech issue up, not me.

I had a DCB here started around 14 months and left at 19 months. During that time he did not start talking. They brought him in for evaluations and it was a simple speech delay. Mom came in and had a hour long talk with me about how I am supposed to help DCB learn basic words. She basically trained me on what she had been trained to do. THAT is how this should be dealt with.

I am perfectly comfortable caring for a child who needs help communicating, I just need to know how to move forward with it, now that it is known that she has some "hearing loss". I however am NOT going to continue to have DCM be rude and dismissive to me.

just curious but did you suspect hearing loss before she told you? and again way to go for really knowing all along what you need to do about this-