Parents Are Angry At Me For A Miscommunication

[craftymissbeth]

I know DCD was initially the one to give you issues, but could DCM be having some post-partum depression or other issues?

I'm not saying that it's ok for them to treat you this way because it definitely is NOT and there's a good chance that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't have handled her outburst nearly as well as you did. In fact, I would probably have termed them on the spot. So disrespectful.

With that said, though, could she be having issues and maybe dragged DCD into it? I know sometimes when it comes to me and DH, if one of us gets upset about something 9/10 we **** the other one into it

[Crystal]

Oh hell no! I would have stopped her dead in her tracks and corrected her on the way she was speaking to you, corrected her on the fact of who's responsibility it is to calm her distraught child and also would have informed her that YELLING at her child certainly is not going to accomplish calming her down. I would then let her know that if she EVER spoke to me in that manner again that she would be needing to make other arrangements for child care.

[mom2many]

First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!

I totally agree 100%. The behavior of both mom and dad are unacceptable and you did nothing wrong.

I have seen children struggle with having a new sibling, so that in itself is not alarming or that unusual...but the way mom and dad are reacting to the situation is!

[julie]

First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!

Yes, this. Quite frankly, this woman's behavior makes me want to puke. Poor kid, honestly, and poor you. The kid is acting so outrageously partly I would assume due to the newborn but the extent she is going to is purely a reflection of the parents and THEIR bad behavior.

I would say at pick up today. "Mary, I was quite taken aback by the scene at the door this morning and so was my husband who witnessed your behavior. It is always YOUR JOB to parent your child. You need to have control of your kid while you are on the premises. If a scene like that ever occurs again, you will need to go back outside and both of you calm down. When you both are ready to enter my home and my daycare and be respectful, you are welcome to stay. I will never be talked to like that again when all I am doing is acting in the best interest of your child. If you are not prepared to be respectful in the future, hit the pavement."

I have no tolerance for that.
I know you don't want to lose them, and they can sense that. That has made them alpha in this situation. You need to lose that feeling. You need to be prepared to lose them so they have consequence. You need to become alpha again. This is YOUR business, and you run the show. They need to get that and they need to know that you don't care if they stay if they pick any other route. Otherwise, it will just get worse and worse. I'm serious. They will blame you for EVERYTHING.

[daycaremum]

First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!

I totally agree, this happened to me that a dad spoke to me in a very loud aggressive voice at the end of the day one time. I informed him that he may not yell at me and that if he ever spoke to me that way in my OWN HOME his family would be terminated immediately. When he tried to speak I told him that he needed to leave immediately.

He came back a few minutes later to apologize, to which I repeated everything I had already said.

They continued to attend, and both mum and dad were very respectful, but it was too late I barely spoke to this dad and answered his attempts at polite conversation with one word answers. I couldn't help it, I hated him. They eventually aged out, which couldn't have happened soon enough.

I kept them because they had two little girls with me who I had with me since 1 year old, well behaved, who were aging out soon and I took pleasure in continuing to take their money.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I think it is time to part ways very soon. I'm thinking they need to know if there are any more outbursts then termination will result. I'd really consider advertising to fill her spot today, as I'd be stressed wondering when they are going to blow up again.

Please, for your own stress levels, begin advertising immediately. You are growing a baby and it isn't right to bathe that poor child in high levels of stress hormones due to another person's inability to control themselves like an adult.

[MarinaVanessa]

Oh hell no! I would have stopped her dead in her tracks and corrected her on the way she was speaking to you, corrected her on the fact of who's responsibility it is to calm her distraught child and also would have informed her that YELLING at her child certainly is not going to accomplish calming her down. I would then let her know that if she EVER spoke to me in that manner again that she would be needing to make other arrangements for child care.

100% agree with this.

Of course I've had this happen to me before and now have clear policies in my handbook (with the help of the ladies here on this forum" about situations like this AKA ..

"From the Provider - "One of the most important elements in home childcare is mutual respect between the parent and the provider... "

"Arrival & Departure Policy - ... The daycare is responsible for the children from the moment that the client leaves the daycare and only until the client arrives to pick the child up. During the time that the client is present responsibility over that child is turned away from the childcare provider. The less confusion about who is charge, the more comfortable everyone will be. Keep in mind that children tend to act out when an adult is here so please make sure that you are firm and in control."

And my favorite ...

"Termination Policy - .... The childcare provider however has the right to terminate the contract at any time without notice if the client should breach the contract by failing to follow any of the policies in the contract and policy handbook. These circumstances include ...
*  Disruptive, disrespectful or hurtful behavior by a child or client that persists.
* Deliberate disrespect or damage to the childcare provider, other daycare families, the home, family, furnishings or other belongings by a child, client or other person which picks the child up."

I don't care whether I am doing "my job" or not ... this is MY home, MY business and MY domain. No one should disrespect anyone like these clients have you OP and I for one would not have apologized for any reason because you did nothing wrong. Once you apologize it's like you just took on the burden of guilt and are accepting blame.

I am not quick to terminate however I would have asked them BOTH for a sit-down to discuss these issues and to make it clear that no matter what they feel I am doing wrong yelling, hostility and slamming my door will not be tolerated. I would even have a termination notice at the ready and wouldn't hesitate to give it to them if they a) refused to sit down and talk about it, b) became hostile during the meeting or b) it was apparent that they "didn't get it" and that things would probably continue in this way.

[Starburst]

Yesterday at drop off DCM was fine and acted like she always does. But then this morning at drop off when she came in I was sitting with another child while they ate breakfast. DCG started screaming and DCM started try to calm her, but then got very frustrated and started handling the behavior in a very angry way. After a few minutes the mom said "this is not my job to calm you down", she then said that one more time, and I realized she meant it was my job, so I said "I can take over if you want." At that point she yelled at me that it was not her job to calm down her child that she's paying me to do it. I apologized and said that I didn't realize she wanted me to take over and that she felt that way about me, and I was trying not to step on her toes and intervene when I was not asked to help. Then she stormed out while still yelling at her child and trying to calm her down, and when she left she slammed my front door.

So let me get this straight.... DCM says it's not her job to calm her own child? I would let her know that she is only paying you to care for DCG when she is away but when DCM/DCD are there they are responsible for their child! Do you have anything in your contract about that- "unless in situations where the provider believes intervention is needed (such as a safety issue or a learning opportunity), while daycare parents are on child care property they will still be responsible for their own child. The provider will take over child care duties once the parents leave the premises"- or something like that? Maybe you can also let her know in the future that for reasons like that you try to encourage quick drop offs/pick ups.

But if their behavior continues you may want to seriously consider terming- especially if you are pregnant because you do not need that extra stress.

[Blackcat31]

There are really only two requirements from a parent.

#1 Respect. This is a requirement at ALL times.
#2 Communication. This is vital for the health and sanity of ALL involved.

Sounds to me like these two elements are missing from your relationship with this family and that makes having a working relationship impossible.

I would term this family immediately for lack of respect in YOUR home.

Totally uncalled for.

I'm sorry you had this happen to you.

[JoseyJo]

I totally agree, this happened to me that a dad spoke to me in a very loud aggressive voice at the end of the day one time. I informed him that he may not yell at me and that if he ever spoke to me that way in my OWN HOME his family would be terminated immediately. When he tried to speak I told him that he needed to leave immediately.

I totally agree! I would be so upset at a parent yelling at their child, then yelling at me for not taking care of it! I would email her before pickup and let her know that you will not tolerate being treated disrespectfully anymore and that if either she or dcd disrespect you again you will term. If you continue to have problems w/ mom at drop off just start buh bye outside.

I recently had a parent who continually worked her child up at drop off (staying a long time, multiple goodbyes, letting him do things I dont allow, telling other children how to behave, etc). I finally explained to her how buh bye outside worked and said we would have to start that if the drop offs didn't get shorter and calmer. I didn't even have to implement it, it was much better the next day

If dcm wants you to be in charge of dcg in your home then she needs to drop her off, say a QUICK goodbye, and leave. Then you can take over

[Laurel]

I can hardly formulate a response as I read your post an hour ago and am still angry...for you. How dare she!

I'm curious how long she has had her child with you and has she always been rude or is this kind of behavior out of the ordinary? (not that it matters as she has no right to speak to you like that. It is totally unacceptable but just wondering...)

I would be very tempted to term and I've never, ever termed anyone in 16 years. Her behavior is over the top though.

I guess I'd try just one more time though knowing me, .

I would guess you have the upper hand here as far as who needs who the most. She just had a baby. I doubt she has the time and energy to go look for childcare elsewhere.

I think what I might say to her is:

I have been feeling upset about this morning. I absolutely will not be spoken to the way you spoke to me this morning and I will not have anyone in my house who yells at children (even their own) or who slams my door. I know you must be under stress at this time but that does not give you permission to treat me like you did this morning. It has to end now. (eye contact and stern look)

I have been wondering if another care arrangement would be better for your family (the scare tactic, ) but I'm willing to give it one more chance if we can have a smooth drop off and pick up. I think it is best if you say a quick goodbye at the door and let me handle it from there. Also, don't expect me to know what you want unless you tell me. I always let parents handle their children while they are here and I take over when they leave.

Laurel

[Unregistered]

I want to email the mother when the kids go down for a nap. I don't want to term now, it seems she's having trouble with adding a new baby. I want to give the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again they'll be gone. Here's my email to DCM. Please feel free to make suggestions or edit it for me.


Hi DCM
I feel we need to discuss what happened this morning. I was very shocked at the way you spoke to me this morning. I understand you have a lot going on with the new baby and everything, but I don't think that excuses your actions towards me this morning and it will not be tolerated. I would have been happy to step in and take over calming DCG, had you asked me. Since you did not, I did not want to intervene and undermine your authority with your child. When you made it clear you wanted my help, I stepped right in.

For the future, we need to make an effort to open the lines of communication. If you would like, from now on at drop off I will take over immediately only if you ask me to. If you do not expressly ask me to take over so you can leave, then I will not. If something is bothering you, please discuss it with me. So far we've had a very cordial relationship and I would like it to stay that way. Please call me to discuss during nap time, as I will not discuss this in front of the children.

[WoodOx]

After reading how this family has treated you, It angers me. I would not want a family like this in my home if they did that to me.

YOU need to do yourself a favor and term. they don't care about you seeing how rude and disrespectful they have been.

I don't care if they just had a baby, they are selfish and taking their kid issues on you.

You are pregnant, wouldn't you want a more relaxed day without dealing with this trash.

[Play Care]

Yes, this. Quite frankly, this woman's behavior makes me want to puke. Poor kid, honestly, and poor you. The kid is acting so outrageously partly I would assume due to the newborn but the extent she is going to is purely a reflection of the parents and THEIR bad behavior.

I would say at pick up today. "Mary, I was quite taken aback by the scene at the door this morning and so was my husband who witnessed your behavior. It is always YOUR JOB to parent your child. You need to have control of your kid while you are on the premises. If a scene like that ever occurs again, you will need to go back outside and both of you calm down. When you both are ready to enter my home and my daycare and be respectful, you are welcome to stay. I will never be talked to like that again when all I am doing is acting in the best interest of your child. If you are not prepared to be respectful in the future, hit the pavement."

I have no tolerance for that.
I know you don't want to lose them, and they can sense that. That has made them alpha in this situation. You need to lose that feeling. You need to be prepared to lose them so they have consequence. You need to become alpha again. This is YOUR business, and you run the show. They need to get that and they need to know that you don't care if they stay if they pick any other route. Otherwise, it will just get worse and worse. I'm serious. They will blame you for EVERYTHING.

happyfacehappyface

[Play Care]

I have no sympathy for anyone who thinks their lack of sleep, stress, other issues, can cause them to treat others like crap. I don't care that they just had a new baby. I don't care that they probably are not getting a lot of sleep. You know what? That's what happens when you have babies. And since they already had one, they knew what they were getting in to. If anything they should be on their knees apologizing for their rude behavior. Then and only then would I advise some sympathy on the provider's part. Otherwise I'd tell them to shape up or ship out.

As for the note to mom, I would not ask her how she wants you to handle things. I would TELL her how things are going to go from now on. "Mom, since it's clear you are having a hard time handling your child, I will take her from you as soon as you bring her in. Please keep drop off very short so we can avoid more meltdowns."