Parents Are Angry At Me For A Miscommunication

[snbauser]

Her response sounds like they are going to try and lay out all of their issues at one time and tell you how they want it to be. It certainly doesn't sound like someone who is sorry for or even recognizes that their actions were wrong. Prepare yourself to be in charge and force them to be polite and respectful of you, your business, and their child in your home as well as to respect your policies. Be prepared for them to bring up every little nit-picky thing they can think of and be prepared fo rthem to blame it all on you. I would have in your mind already how you want to approach the meeting with them and what kind of outcome you want. Personally I would have in my mind that "these are my rules and expectations and if you aren't comfortable with them then maybe it is best that we part ways"

[Unregistered]

Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)

[mom2many]

I responded at the same time... and just read that OP talked to mom. I'm glad that things will all work out for the best!

[MarinaVanessa]

This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.

Because it is brief, short and in writing it's difficult to decipher her intentions or what it means. I however would be prepared for all scenarios. She could ..

• Be optimistic about getting things on a good foot again.
• Could be getting ready to "show you who's boss"
• Could be preparing to give you a termination notice

If she is willing to talk about what happened in a positive, calm and collected way I would try to work it out with the understanding that they need to communicate with you ... not yell at you, not show aggresion and not bottle it up. Communicate meaning like adults that have a respectful conversation. I also think that as Kim mentioned, you should schedule the meeting at a time when your DH is present.

If her intent ends up being to take control over the matter and attempt to try to tell you how it works the important thing is to remember to stay calm no matter how they act or what they say. I would start the conversation with boundaries and rules.

"I'm glad that we could finally sit down and talk. Before we start I'd like to set some boundaries. Let's keep things respectful and stay calm. If at any time things get emotional it would be best to end the conversation there and then continue the conversation at another time. Agreed?"

I would then let them begin to see what they say, their intentions will then be very clear. I would let them talk first and if neessary I would make brief notes about things that I wanted to address or correct as well. I would not start talking until they were done.

Keep a few things in mind during this conversation:

This is your business and they cannot tell you how to run it. If they make requests of you do not give them an immediate answer. Wait until you can think about it some (or ask us on the forum about it : before you give them an answer. Sometimes providers make immediate decisions that they later regret because they are nervous or feel pressured. Don't put yourself in that position. Let them know that you will think about their requests and that you'll let them know in a few days.

If they tell you that they feel like you can't do your "job" properly then ask them to elaborate ... don't get deffensive.
DCP: You aren't doing your job.
YOU: Okay. Can you explain why you feel that way and give me examples?
DCP: You had us pick DCG up the other day because she was crying.
YOU: I'm sorry you feel like that but that is not what happened. Here is a copy of the text message that I sent to your DH word for word (pull out a word for word typed copy of the message you sent). I was communicating with you that DCG was having a difficult time which was out of the realm of typical crying for a child her age and of her typical behavior. I then asked for you to call me. Instead, DCD came to pick her up which was not necessary. Had I spoken to you instead I could have explained the situation but I was not given the opportunity to do so. Any other reason why you feel like I am not doing my job?
DCP: You didn't take over when I dropped DCG off and she was crying
YOU: As I explained in the email that I send you (pull out a copy of the email and place it in front of them) expecting for me to know to step in for you at that time is unlike anything that I normally do here at daycare even for you and I was unaware because it has never been communicated to me and it is even out of the norm of what any of my clients expect of me. In fact, they expect the opposite. If you wished for me to do this differently all you needed to do was let me know and I am more than happy to accomodate this.
Is there more?

It's important to address one issue at a time, let them talk, you respond and then quickly move on to the next issue by not allowing them to argue your point with you. You give them the opportunity to talk, you talk and then move on. Otherwise you'll just round and around in circles while they debate your answers.

Don't let them justify their rude, passive aggresive or aggressive actions on you. You are not a mind reader and unless they tell you that something is wrong you will not automatically know how address it. At no time did you BEHAVE INNAPROPRIATELY WITH THEM even after both the DCD and the DCM treated you with hostility and disrespect.
DCP: Well if you had ... then I would not have ...
You: At no time was I made aware that there was even an issue and I did nothing to warrant aggression or disrespect from either of you. Even after I was treated unfairly, because I did not know what was going on, by your husband I was nothing more than polite and professional to him. The same goes after you raised your voice at your DD when you expected me to step in for you when I have never done so in the past did I treat you in any direspectful way. I have never yelled, acted innapropriately or slammed a door in response to either of your actions. Even now I sit here calmly to discuss these issues with you and hold no feelings of resentment or hostility towards you. I have done nothing wrong.

Be firm, be fair, be strong.

Don't expect an apology and be okay with the idea that they more than likely will not give you one. Just let it go.

Depending on what your contract and policies say I'd have 3 notices already drawn up and I'd expect that at the end of the conversation they will have one of them handed to them.

1. An probationary agreement stating that all grievances will be discussed calmly and respectfully from this moment forward and that all parties will from this point on will be treated with dignity and respect.
2. A 2 week termination notice just in case it seemed to me after the end of the conversation that there may not be a way to continue to work with them or if they mention that they think that it's time to find alternative child care arrangements. This is sometimes used as a scare tactic to try to bluff providers into sucumbing to the client. I would not tolerate that and would give them my own 2 week notice if they even mention it, and I'd agree with them that it's probably for the best. You may or may not get this look depending on whether they were serious or not.
3. A notice of immediate termination. Just in case they raised their voices, attempted to control the comversation or showed no real attempt of trying to resolve the issue. For example, if their only intent was to try to get their point across in a disrespectful manner and if they expected you to just "take it"

Good luck, please keep us posted.

[MarinaVanessa]

Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)

I was typing while you posted. Glad that things turned out for the better and at least things are more positive.

It makes sense to me that she would want to have her baby in a daycare at her office so that she could nurse. If I had that option and I was working in an office I'd take that option as well, don't take it personal. May be they were thinking about it before but it was a little more expensive to keep the baby at her work??? But after this whole thing they were more inclined to do it ??? Who knows and it doesn't really matter. If you were going to lose money by taking the infant then it would have been a bad business move on your part anyway.

As far as the other child, well you were going to lose her to preschool anyway so in any case that was coming. I'm glad that things are working out for the better.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)

:: You are helping her transition by keeping things exactly the same at her daycare. That is how it's supposed to be done. Oh brother! Good riddance to them in 8 weeks.

[bunnyslippers]

I think you will be better off without them in two months, so I am glad it worked out for you! I also think that this was probably their plan all along, and they were looking for a reason to blame you rather than just admitting they were switching daycare.

As far as the advice to be lind and understand her feelings after having a new baby ~ I totally understand why you would be given that advice, as most of us on here are kind people by nature. That being said, I 100% disagree that we need to let other people treat us badly because something in their life is causing stress. Their problems and stress do NOT need to become your problems and stress. You are a person, and deserve to be treated like the IMPORTANT person you are to their family. You care for their child!!!!!

I am very happy this is going to work out well for you in the end. Good Riddance!!!!

[MarinaVanessa]

:: You are helping her transition by keeping things exactly the same at her daycare. That is how it's supposed to be done. Oh brother! Good riddance to them in 8 weeks.

I agree and though about the same thing.

Unless th child has screamed and yelled on a regular basis during the time that she has already been enrolled at daycare (how long again has she been in your daycare BTW) the only thing that has changed is that there is a new baby in their family (unless other changes have occurred at daycare or at home) and so if the only change was the new baby it seems to me like this needs to be addressed at home not at daycare. Nothing that the provider does at daycare will change what is happening at home.

[Starburst]

I feel bad for the OP. But I feel very bad for the little girl. A dcg I once had.....she was.almost 3, a real sweety, never any problems. Her baby brother.was born, and she too.was dropped off the next day at my daycare center. Poor girl, cried a lot, was very upset about the "tubes and hoses" she saw on her mommy. (IV), the "wires all over baby" (monitors) and the.scary masks.the hospital staff wore. Her brother was in a "scary box" with "really bright lights" (incubator. She was pretty much traumatized. She was sad "baby hurt mommy". And she was.sad when daddy cried. This normally well adjusted girl was a wreck for two weeks solid.

I know you are upset with the parents. They acted rudely and inappropriately. They should.apologize. But.......I think they need just a little sympathy and patience. And try to remember, its about the little girl......she is obviously a tad scared, confused and unsure.

On a personal note.....my oldest was 9 when his baby brother.was . He cried and cried when he.saw me in the hospital. The tubes and hoses and beeping machines and masked staff.upset him too.....and he was NINE.

Patience, kindness and understanding always pay off. It may seem like a hard thing to show them right now, but when these new parents get their heads screwed back on right, I hope they will realize they behaved badly.

Kinda makes you consider putting in your contract something about DCKs not coming in soon after the birth of a sibling (like a mental health day/week) so they can start bonding and adjust to the new baby a bit, in addition to being a part of a special family moment. But at the same time I could see how the parents would rather take the older child to daycare so they can focus on the mom's recovery and the baby's health. At the same time it helps that the older child sticks to their normal routine so everything is not too much of a change in one day. A bit of a catch 22 either way.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Kinda makes you consider putting in your contract something about DCKs not coming in soon after the birth of a sibling (like a mental health day/week) so they can start bonding and adjust to the new baby a bit, in addition to being a part of a special family moment. But at the same time I could see how the parents would rather take the older child to daycare so they can focus on the mom's recovery and the baby's health. At the same time it helps that the older child sticks to their normal routine so everything is not too much of a change in one day. A bit of a catch 22 either way.

I've had several children still come here the day their sibling is born and the following days. Nothing in their routine changed and they were just fine. In fact, two of them just had siblings (one 5 months ago and one two weeks ago). This has nothing to do with the actual sibling and seems to have MORE to do with how the parents are parenting/not parenting. Can't force parenting to happen...

[lovemykidstoo]

One of my dcf's just had a baby a week ago and their son (2 years) stayed home the day after, but has been here full schedule ever since. Not only the days he comes, but the hours. Would be nice instead of picking up after 5 to picking up maybe at 4, but what can ya do. He's not having any problems. Sounds like this mother is just being a pain. I wouldn't allow her to dictate to you how it's going to go, I would tell her that if the child is going to throw a fit then you will meet her at the door and take the dcg from her. Don't even let her in the house.

[TheGoodLife]

Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)

[Kaddidle Care]

Yesterday at drop off DCM was fine and acted like she always does. But then this morning at drop off when she came in I was sitting with another child while they ate breakfast. DCG started screaming and DCM started try to calm her, but then got very frustrated and started handling the behavior in a very angry way. After a few minutes the mom said "this is not my job to calm you down",

Hold on.. Whoa! If Mama is present then it IS her job to control her child. Stop apologizing - you have done nothing wrong except letting these people walk all over you!

Cranky and tired with a newborn or not, that call back should have included an apology. Time to draw up their walking papers.

It's not her job? I beg to differ. HER child, HER job. Period. I don't care who's house she's in. This Mom is downright disrespectful, and you're giving her WAAAAAAAAAY too much room to walk all over you. I don't care if she just had ten babies, that is no excuse to treat you that way.

Please, please, PLEASE do me a favor and never apologize to this family ever again. Seriously. If anything, DCM owes YOU a big apology!

I'm going to jump on the "term" wagon here.

Still reading I had to post after that last one I quoted. Now I will say.. what she said!! ^

[Kaddidle Care]

Ahh - I see they are not putting baby with you now so basically using up the money that they already gave you. Please do not let them push you around until the end of May. If they are rude and disrespectful again, say bye, bye.

It amazes me how some people can be so controlling of adults and not their own children.

[lisawatsonis]

Really?!?!?

Remind them that you are the daycare provider not the parent. When a child screams out of emotional or physical pain it's your responsibility to call the parents so they can decide how they are going to proceed. It's also your right as a human being to not have to listen to outright screaming for hrs of your day. Not to mention the other daycare children's emotional health having to hear it for prolonged amounts of time.

ps shouldn't the little one be a part of new baby time at the hospital with mom and dad?