How would you feel....

[Crystal]

If you thought a Daycare Parent was saying negative things about you, judging your parenting or caregiving style, how would you feel? What, if anything, would you do? Would you want to continue working with them?

What if you came across a forum and found evidence that a parent was saying negative things about you? Would you say something? Would you keep quiet and just be resentful about it?

Just some food for thought............

[Heidi]

You're right of course. I TRY to limit my questions or comments to getting answers or ideas for problems. But, I have, on occasion, probably said things here that I wouldn't say to someone directly. It happens at home, too. Sometimes, my dh complains about his mother or a sibling to me...but doesn't go talk to them about it.

Wall need a place to "vent" with people who understand the ins-and-outs. We don't have co-workers (for the most part) to share with, and unless our spouse's work with us, they almost always don't "get" it. Many of our spouse's think we are basically stay-at-home moms who bring in a few extra $.

So, I am excusing those of us who have occasionally come here to complain. We don't identify the person doing we are complaining about, and many times when it's really bad, we post unregistered so that we can also not be identified.

So, would I be upset if a dc parent came and blasted ME on the internet? Yes. Would I know that some anonymous person blasted another anonymous person...and the person being blasted was ME? Probably not.

Good discussion, though!

Edited to add: About judging parenting style. Yeah, that's not really cool. Unless that parenting style affects everyone around the child, including the dcp, and every person in every public place that child is in. I spent the entire "vacation" weekend last weekend listening to ONE child (2 1/2) scream endlessly for not getting her way. There were 20 children there, and we heard ONE child over and over and over. Day and Night. Not cool! So, I believe I may have judged that just a little....maybe because mom largely ignored the whole situation and everyone suffered.

[Truly Scrumptious]

I'm sure I've said or done something before, which made me the topic of conversation at the dinner table....but, what I don't know, won't hurt me.
But, if I had solid evidence that a parent was speaking negatively about me, then I would have to address it, otherwise it would affect our relationship.

[Crystal]

I agree everyone needs a place to vent/complain/etc. That isn't really what I am talking about. I am talking specifically about judging parenting style.

I think that we all have a "sixth sense" and can FEEL it when someone feels negatively about us. It's kind of a tension in the air, so to speak. I know when I feel negatively about someone, my demeanor changes.

I think when we feel negatively about a parent, it shows.....in our interactions, our body language, the way we greet them at the door.

[Blackcat31]

This subject comes up every so often and when it does, I assume it is on the heels of a particularly harsh vent about a parent and/or a situation regarding their actions.

Anyways, I think that it is important for providers AND parents to be able to vent about things and get them out there. I don't really think that there have been any really controversial threads lately but even so, venting about things is healthy and unfortunately a part of life so it is impossible to stop doing it or restrict others from doing so.

The important thing is that we are doing it in a respectful manner. We cannot vent, insult or be downright judgmental about people unless we have taken steps to either rectify or at least understand the situation first.

As providers it is our responsibility to address issues with parents and as parents, if they have issues with the provider, she should be the first one to know about it.

Neither parent or provider can fix or change something if it isn't brought to their attention.

I think venting is necessary and by posting vents on this forum, we gain valuable insight to our situation. NOT always the words we want to hear, but often times we are given a perspective that we weren't aware of or hadn't considered before and that is healthy!

Then there is the case of little vents and snippets that we say just to say and move along our merry ways. That kind of venting is also beneficial as sometimes just getting something off your chest is healing in a way and allows us to move on and not stress over it anymore.

If you have been on this forum for even a few months, it is easy to see that there are hundreds of different styles of parenting just as there are hundreds of ways to run a child care business.

Bottom line is, venting is not bashing and negative thoughts and personal judgments are simply feelings. Unless there are actions connected to or tied to those thoughts, then there is nothing wrong with how you feel. I won't apologize for being human.

I will not pretend that everything is always positive and sunny all the time.

Life does throw us some doozy situations and some parents (and providers) that bring us to our breaking points but ultimately if we can still conduct ourselves in a professional manner and do what we need to do for the best interest of ALL involved, then it is a good day.

Here is a sign I have posted in my child care. It can be applied anywhere.

[Crystal]

I'm sure I've said or done something before, which made me the topic of conversation at the dinner table....but, what I don't know, won't hurt me.
But, if I had solid evidence that a parent was speaking negatively about me, then I would have to address it, otherwise it would affect our relationship.

The bolded part....do you not think you could sense it if a parent felt negatively about you?

And, yes, I would have to address it too. But, I wonder, if a parent came to many of us and said "I understand you feel this way about my parenting" HOw would we react?

[Blackcat31]

I agree everyone needs a place to vent/complain/etc. That isn't really what I am talking about. I am talking specifically about judging parenting style.

I think that we all have a "sixth sense" and can FEEL it when someone feels negatively about us. It's kind of a tension in the air, so to speak. I know when I feel negatively about someone, my demeanor changes.

I think when we feel negatively about a parent, it shows.....in our interactions, our body language, the way we greet them at the door.

Sorry Crystal...I posted before I fully understood what you meant.

You are absolutely correct though....body language says more than words could ever say sometimes.

I have had parents who have rolled their eyes at me and others who said everything with a smile but through clenched teeth. I can feel it and I can absolutely sense it. I am sure it goes both ways.

I am not one to let things like that slide and will always bring it up to the parent if I sense they are unhappy or if I am unhappy about something.

My DCF's appreciate the openness and I for one, feel that is one of the biggest contributing factors to having a business/program that I am happy and satisfied with and I am confident my parents feel the same.

[Crystal]

This subject comes up every so often and when it does, I assume it is on the heels of a particularly harsh vent about a parent and/or a situation regarding their actions. I brought this up because I do feel that there is a little too much judgement of parents. I understand we all have our personal beliefs and opinions, but I don't feel it is fair to judge a parent just because they do things differently than we would. If they are being negelctful, or abusive, that's another story and a perfectly good resaon to come on a public forum and ask for advice. Otherwise, just as IRL, it is just gossip.

Anyways, I think that it is important for providers AND parents to be able to vent about things and get them out there. I don't really think that there have been any really controversial threads lately but even so, venting about things is healthy and unfortunately a part of life so it is impossible to stop doing it or restrict others from doing so. Absolutley. I just think we need to think before we post...is what I am about to post really necessary? am I posting it because I need advice from other experienced professionals or am I doing it just to complain?

The important thing is that we are doing it in a respectful manner. We cannot vent, insult or be downright judgmental about people unless we have taken steps to either rectify or at least understand the situation first. I agree. But when I see posts like "why did they bother having a baby.....?" or some other such post, I don't consider it respectful, I consider it hateful, and unnecessary to post.

As providers it is our responsibility to address issues with parents and as parents, if they have issues with the provider, she should be the first one to know about it. Yes. And I would like to think that the parent should be the first one to know about it if we have an issue with them....not the WWW.

Neither parent or provider can fix or change something if it isn't brought to their attention.

I think venting is necessary and by posting vents on this forum, we gain valuable insight to our situation. NOT always the words we want to hear, but often times we are given a perspective that we weren't aware of or hadn't considered before and that is healthy! Perspective is what I am trying to encourage here. My whole reason for the OP. We always look at things from our own perspective. What about that of our DCP?

Then there is the case of little vents and snippets that we say just to say and move along our merry ways. That kind of venting is also beneficial as sometimes just getting something off your chest is healing in a way and allows us to move on and not stress over it anymore.

If you have been on this forum for even a few months, it is easy to see that there are hundreds of different styles of parenting just as there are hundreds of ways to run a child care business.

Bottom line is, venting is not bashing and negative thoughts and personal judgments are simply feelings. Unless there are actions connected to or tied to those thoughts, then there is nothing wrong with how you feel. I won't apologize for being human. I have to repspectfully disagree. Bashing is unnecessary and unfair and if someone was bashing us, I think many would term.

I will not pretend that everything is always positive and sunny all the time.Me either. But, I know you Blackcat....you would address it with the parent directly, or you would take it to the member forum and ask for advice without calling the parent a "bad parent"

Life does throw us some doozy situations and some parents (and providers) that bring us to our breaking points but ultimately if we can still conduct ourselves in a professional manner and do what we need to do for the best interest of ALL involved, then it is a good day.

Here is a sign I have posted in my child care. It can be applied anywhere.

I responded in bold above. Thank you for your insight

[Crystal]

Off topic, but related to venting and it being "healthy" I agree, to a point, that it is healthy. But when it happens regularly, I don't feel that it is healthy. I feel that taking action would be the helathy choice......doing something to resolve the situation....whether that be a frank conversation with the parent or terminating care because your differences cannot be resolved....that would be the healthy choice.

[Country Kids]

Oh, i've had people say to me things about parenting.

1. I never thought you would have kids, I didn't think you liked them. (I love kids, I don't like children that manipulate parents and throw up when they don't get their way)

2. Why is your child stuck-up? (My child was one at the time and very shy! Didn't like being passed around to everyone)

3. My kids had jobs during high school, you should make them get jobs (I won't even go into this one! Lets just say these kids who are now adults, nah I'm not going there)

4. Your child knows to much about subjects we are studying in school-this was from a teacher! (I'm sorry if I don't allow my kids hours in front of the tv/video games and we go places and see things.

These are just a few of the things people have said to me personally over the years. They are judging my parenting by these phrases and believe you me most of these were years ago but I remember them to this day because of the way they were said.

[Crystal]

Oh, i've had people say to me things about parenting.

1. I never thought you would have kids, I didn't think you liked them. (I love kids, I don't like children that manipulate parents and throw up when they don't get their way)

2. Why is your child stuck-up? (My child was one at the time and very shy! Didn't like being passed around to everyone)

3. My kids had jobs during high school, you should make them get jobs (I won't even go into this one! Lets just say these kids who are now adults, nah I'm not going there)

4. Your child knows to much about subjects we are studying in school-this was from a teacher! (I'm sorry if I don't allow my kids hours in front of the tv/video games and we go places and see things.

These are just a few of the things people have said to me personally over the years. They are judging my parenting by these phrases and believe you me most of these were years ago but I remember them to this day because of the way they were said.

And every one of those things were hurtful, right? The one thing I gotta say though, is at least these people had the $#%$#%$ to say it to your face. They came to you and said what they felt, or what was bothering them. They didn't say these things behind your back and then wallow around in resentment about you. Certainly, their judgement of you was wrong, and would have been better kept to themselves (for you) but at least they were honest with you.

[morgan24]

I would not be happy about it and I would say something to them about it. I had dcp's that talked bad about me to other providers in my area and I asked dcm about it and she said that they didn't like that their brought a movie everyday and I wouldn't let him watch it. I have a daycare room in my walk out basement and it doesn't have a tv and she wanted me to let him stay upstairs and watch tv. I will admit I was pretty mad and I gave her two weeks notice. She sent dcd to pick up and tell me they weren't coming back. Then on Monday he called and asked if I would take them back cause none of other providers would take them.

I do like to vent on occasion, but I agree with Crystal that it's healthier to solve the situation. It keeps me happier to be able to have a frank conversation with the parents when something isn't right.

[Crazy8]

I agree everyone needs a place to vent/complain/etc. That isn't really what I am talking about. I am talking specifically about judging parenting style.

I think that we all have a "sixth sense" and can FEEL it when someone feels negatively about us. It's kind of a tension in the air, so to speak. I know when I feel negatively about someone, my demeanor changes.

I think when we feel negatively about a parent, it shows.....in our interactions, our body language, the way we greet them at the door.

I absolutely think people can feel it. I know a family member who feels my own kids are too "wild" etc. I know she doesn't agree with my parenting style but I also don't agree with hers (creating stepford children - think its going to backfire big time someday) and I am sure it comes across in our communications. For the most part though I am a believer in live and let live so I don't think I give off too many negative "vibes" to my daycare parents - I am not sure I'd be able to have a good working relationship with one if I was really dead set against their parenting style.

[Country Kids]

And every one of those things were hurtful, right? The one thing I gotta say though, is at least these people had the $#%$#%$ to say it to your face. They came to you and said what they felt, or what was bothering them. They didn't say these things behind your back and then wallow around in resentment about you. Certainly, their judgement of you was wrong, and would have been better kept to themselves (for you) but at least they were honest with you.

No, I think I was more shocked then hurt.

1. Their child would throw up when they didn't get their way. I didn't buy into it and so I didn't like children.

2. Was from above child when child was grown and my child didn't want to be held by them.

3. Shocked a teacher would even say this! Many complaints from parents over the years on this teacher but they keep them.

4. Like I said "I won't go there on this one."

[Blackcat31]

No, I think I was more shocked then hurt.
1. Their child would throw up when they didn't get their way. I didn't buy into it and so I didn't like children.

2. Was from above child when child was grown and my child didn't want to be held by them.

3. Shocked a teacher would even say this! Many complaints from parents over the years on this teacher but they keep them.

4. Like I said "I won't go there on this one."

Why were you shocked?

Just curious....(and wanting to engage in a more indepth convo about this subject in general)