Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[Country Kids]

I have thought about this thread alot today! It makes me sad for some reason and I'm not sure why.

Divorce rates are higher then ever and I think we are going to start coming to the time where there will be fewer and fewer 25, 50, and higher celebrations of marriage. Most people these days are lucky to get to 5 or 10 years of marriage.

Its so easy to get a divorce these days that no one wants to try it seems. I think what seemed unfair in this was everyone blamed the husband right away. We knew nothing about him yet were very quick to throw stones. Once I read about his culture I was understanding more of the situation.

When my hubby and I were getting married we didn't exactly pass the premarriage conseling classes. They said because of two different cultures, religions, up bringings, families, etc. we were not going to make it! We went ahead and became married. Has it been easy no, but we proved everyone wrong and have been married wow almost 22 years!

This afternoon I was thinking about some couples we know. One couple the couple both works. Wife doesn't cook, clean, laundry, you get the picture. The husband does it all. Another couple the husband is a stay at home father/husband. Wife loves it because everything is done when she gets home. The husband would actually like to go back to work because he's getting pretty bored but he can't find a job. Let me ask you-are these wife wrong? I bet you dollars to donuts if they were men they would be!

[SunshineMama]

Can I just give Nan a high five!?!?!?

I second that! That woman is a straight shooter with a lot of good advice all around. I have definitely turned into a Nanny De fan after reading her advice throughout this forum.

[SunshineMama]

I have thought about this thread alot today! It makes me sad for some reason and I'm not sure why.

Divorce rates are higher then ever and I think we are going to start coming to the time where there will be fewer and fewer 25, 50, and higher celebrations of marriage. Most people these days are lucky to get to 5 or 10 years of marriage.

Its so easy to get a divorce these days that no one wants to try it seems. I think what seemed unfair in this was everyone blamed the husband right away. We knew nothing about him yet were very quick to throw stones. Once I read about his culture I was understanding more of the situation.

When my hubby and I were getting married we didn't exactly pass the premarriage conseling classes. They said because of two different cultures, religions, up bringings, families, etc. we were not going to make it! We went ahead and became married. Has it been easy no, but we proved everyone wrong and have been married wow almost 22 years!

This afternoon I was thinking about some couples we know. One couple the couple both works. Wife doesn't cook, clean, laundry, you get the picture. The husband does it all. Another couple the husband is a stay at home father/husband. Wife loves it because everything is done when she gets home. The husband would actually like to go back to work because he's getting pretty bored but he can't find a job. Let me ask you-are these wife wrong? I bet you dollars to donuts if they were men they would be!

Unfortunately, divorce rates ARE high. The #1 predictor of divorce rate (90% predicton rate, according to the doctor who conducted the study) is whether or not the wife feels like she is being "heard."

My situation is both of our faults. DH came to America when he was a child so he has had experience within our culture enough to know better, and like Michael said, it is my fault for enabling some of the behavior.

We have been together since high school, and have done a lot of growing up together. I made mistakes. He made mistakes. We both learn from them and move on. The current issue, his lack of helping me out, is just another bump in the road that we will get over. I am confident we would never divorce, however I am also confident that I will sizzle and burn out if I have to keep my current work load. After reading the many posts, I did look at our situation from a more cultural point of view, and when we are able to have the time to sit down and talk, I am going to take a more understanding approach, while still holding my ground that he is going to have to chip in more and help me out.

Now... if only I can get some alone time with him. Family is a big part of his culture and at least 1 member of his family is hanging out at our house 4 evenings a week.

[Ariana]

Actually divorce rates AREN'T any higher. The study that has been so widely publicized was flawed and apparently only took into account the first 5 years of marriage and incidents of divorce. I just pulled this from a site but this is what I learned in my uni course as well. The figure is based on a simple - and flawed - calculation: the annual marriage rate per 1,000 people compared with the annual divorce rate. In 2003, for example, the most recent year for which data is available, there were 7.5 marriages per 1,000 people and 3.8 divorces, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.

But researchers say that this is misleading because the people who are divorcing in any given year are not the same as those who are marrying, and that the statistic is virtually useless in understanding divorce rates. Even though less people are getting married today, this won't be reflected in the divorce rate until years down the line (when those getting married today are getting divorced). I would also add that divorce rates differ for different socioeconomic classes as well. Educated people are only 17% likely to divorce. So many issues with this study!!


I just learned in a uni course I'm taking that the 3 reasons for relationship dissatisfaction are:
-male impulsivity
-male neuroticism
-female neuroticism

I think the impulsivity they speak of here is "doing what you want when you want to do it" mentality. Doing what feels right in the moment and not considering long term consequences and impacts of those decisions on their partner.

I can cite all of this information but my book is upstairs and I'm lazy!! let me know if anyone wants the info

[AmyLeigh]

I can cite all of this information but my book is upstairs and I'm lazy!! let me know if anyone wants the info

I am really interested. Can you send it when convenient for you? Thanks so much.

[Greenplasticwateringcans]

Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.

I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.

Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.

We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.

There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.

This, this, and more this!

I can not believe some of the excuses some of you are coddling your husbands with!

[Greenplasticwateringcans]

There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.

Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.

Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.

Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.

I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.

What?

Really?

Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.

[cheerfuldom]

What?

Really?

Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.

another great post

[Country Kids]

What?

Really?

Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.

Well since my parents/aunts/uncles are all 70+ guess what-I was raised by that generation and thinking that way. I would actually be the first generation that would be doing the shared chore thing. Not everyone on the forum is in their 20's.

I grew up in the era boys played with guns, girls with dolls. Kids played outside from dawn to dusk.

Then when we started getting older (high school) we started hearing go to college, get a degree, be a working mom, do it all or split the chores with hubby. This was new to alot of us as most of us had moms that stayed home. Even the ones that had a mom that worked outside the home still came home, put dinner on the table, did all the household chores. Kids pitched in to help also. Hubbies were working in workshops, working outside, watching the evening news. Some did help their wives but it wasn't the norm.

My generation was probably the first that had career women and the type of woman that tried to do it all! Childcare became necessary for kids, working late, fast food, working for lots of material things. Oh, yes, we had no one to show us how to do it because the generation before had more gender roles.

Here we are a generation or two later-most every household has two working parents, alot of kids eat fast food for sometimes two meals, there is no disciplilne, kids don't do chores, there is a lack of disrespect, most kids are being raised in childcare, you can sue someone because they looked at you wrong or yes, lets not forget kids have the same rights as parents, and yes, if your kindergartener doesn't have a cell phone, what kind of parent are you.

What I'm trying to say is-I believe we pushed for things to fast without knowing what we were really getting into. Now, everyone is overworked,underpaid, and no one still seems to be happy!

[MsMe]

I read this thread yearterday and thought about it all day.

I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!)

I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.

that said.....

I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.

Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.

I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER

I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.

His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...

The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.

I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.

Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....

[AnneCordelia]

What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.

I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.

I agree!!

And why do the men get excused because "things have changed" but I don't get excused from the work? LIke the PP said, society thrust me into the position of having to be a working mom...I certainly didn't ask for it. However, I have taken that responsibility and run with it because it is best for my family. Men might not have asked to help with the 'nurturing' and home care, however it is what today's society requires of them for an equal partnership within the family. I step up, and I expect my husband to step up too. Neither of us can shirk our responsibilities and get away with blaming the women's movement 40 years ago. Regardless, the work still needs to be done and I refuse to be a martyr for my husband.

[Blackcat31]

(...again, I have to hug my DH)

I just wanted to comment on the fact that my DH is my partner in everything because his mother raised him to be that way. She had 5 boys and each of them learned to take care of themselves. She taught them how to cook, how to clean and even how to sew. She taught her boys the same skills everyone should know how to do. Self sufficiency skills. They knew how to shop for both groceries and tires. They knew how to clean a cut and bandage it properly as well as how to change the oil. They were taught how to clean the bathroom as well as mowing the lawn. She taught them to know how to fix the washing machine and how to use it too.

My DH's mother ran a 24 hour daycare so they also learned how to care for babies and help toddlers too. They learned things from their mother and I for one appreciate that ALOT.

I am not my MIL's biggest fan but I will give her credit until the day I die that she raised a great man.

We didn't split our chore lists up or delegate roles as to who was suppose to do what or anything like that. We simply learned to do what needed to get done and do it. He doesn't wait for me to wash his work clothes (he knows how to himself) and I wouldn't dream of just sitting back and waiting for him to change my oil (I know how to do that myself) but we do let each other do the things we are both best at or prefer to do. I HATE changing the oil so he does it, I usually do the laundry because I like my favorite clothing items to be available when I want them...LOL!!

Either way, what I am trying to say is we don't have designated roles or duties in our relationship. We BOTH simply do what needs to get done. Neither of us waits for the other to do "our job".

This is all stuff we discussed BEFORE marriage, BEFORE kids, and long BEFORE we ever lived together. As a matter of fact, I think we talked about this kind of thing over our lunch period 4th hour of our senior year.

[DCBlessings27]

I am in my 20s, and I've only been married for 5 years...but I thought I'd chime in. Get rid of the excuses or unspoken expectations and communicate. I've learned that my marriage requires a lot of give and take. I believe that my husband and I ebb and flow well. He does understand how hard it is to do daycare because he was laid off for a month 1.5 years ago. He got to be home and witness what I do all day.

The OP sounds as if she does a lot of giving, and her hubby just takes instead of giving back enough. I understand that some of it might be cultural, but her hubby didn't marry his mother's clone--he married SunshineMama. With communication, he can learn that SunshineMama needs XYZ.

My mil was a sahm throughout his childhood. She was raised by grandparents, so she does the traditional cooking, cleaning, taking care of house, etc while my fil sits in his chair. She didn't really require my husband to do many chores/things for himself. For example, he doesn't know how to sew on a button. MY dad taught me that. Instead of doing it for him, I showed him how to do it. After weekly Sunday lunches at my in-laws, the women are expected to place the food on the table and clear the dishes. The men just sit at the table while this happens or leave the table to watch tv. I made it known to my husband that he has 2 perfectly good arms and legs. He can help, and he does. I communicated to him that I would like for him to help out--not only for me but for his mom and sister.

Like Nan said, nothing I do can't be done by dh. Nothing he does can't be done by me. Since we work well together, we share in household duties. Sure, I run the dishwasher more because I have to do daycare dishes. But, he comes home from work and helps out with dd or cooking/cleaning. Dh even helps out when he works 12-14 hours a day. (He's a creative director for a marketing agency, so his job isn't physical but still draining.) We don't have roles in our marriage. I mow the lawn more than he does, but it's good exercise. I don't really mind. We share in work inside and outside the house as well as sharing in taking care of our dd. He doesn't like to grocery shop, but he does it with me because he works such long hours sometimes and wants to spend time with me.

[Michael]

We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.

I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER

This line cracked me up. :: I'm glad this forum is making an impression.

[MsMe]

This line cracked me up. :: I'm glad this forum is making an impression.

OH it is!!! Daycare.com has changed everything for the better!! I was on my last nerve when I found this site and it saved my daycare!!! I enjoy teh women here. I love the daycare advice adn support and I also love threads lke this that talk about personal issues as well.