Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[daycare]

In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.

The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.

It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.

Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.

The wife takes care of the family and the house.

Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)

and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.

Sorry I am going all over the place with this....

I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...

[Heidi]

I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.

I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.

You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.

The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.

Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.

I'm with Nan on this one. You are not wrong, but your arrangement is clearly different than OP's. In this house, I do all the housework as well, and sometimes it goes underappreciated. But, my dh sells cars for a living, and believe me, that is not an easy job. He handles the joint finances (I handle mine), he is generous, he keeps up the yard, handles the snow & garbage, does all the griling (alot in the summer),and pitches in when family comes over for holidays. Yeah, he COULD put his own dishes in the dishwasher more often, but I don't mind a little compromise as long as he throws me on the back of his Harley once in a while and takes me away from all this.

[greenhouse]

If I didn't have to pay for a portion of the bills I would be more than happy to do all of the housework. All I want to do is be a SAHM and not have to worry about contributing. I've done daycare plus an online business (now will just be doing online biz after this week ) on top of that 90% of taking care of our 2 year old, 100% of cooking,cleaning, gardening, food shopping and animal care. DH has a very stressful job, but so is my job(s). After we eat dinner and DS goes to sleep he just gets on the computer for the rest of the night while I clean the animals, Laundry,work in packing and shipping, try to fit in a workout and a shower. It feels unbalanced because I am going for 14 hours straight. I do ask for help sometimes- just be specific and don't nag. I will have a complete freak out if DH makes ANY comment about the house being messy or something not being done. That sets me off!!!

[AmyLeigh]

I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.

I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.

You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.

Okay, then if that is the case....What would you say if I posted my dh just yelled at me because he works long hours, gets up 2 hours earlier than me, expects me to work all day and then do housework, thinks I have a cushy job because I just play with kids all day, get to wear sweats and other comfy shoes, watch tv and go online whenever I want? You would flame him for sure!!! He would never do that, because he appreciates all of my work, even if I am not working as hard as he is. That makes me want to work even harder for his sake.

The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing. No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better.

Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.

Answered in bold.

[cheerfuldom]

In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.

The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.

It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.

Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.

The wife takes care of the family and the house.

Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)

and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.

Sorry I am going all over the place with this....

I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...

I think there is a lot to be learned from past generations or other cultures. We also have to consider though that many cultures and generations had other things that played into a low divorce rate such as divorce being illegal, strong social or religious pressure, little to no options for women if they were to pursue divorce...there is a lot to consider there. Its definitely complicated these days with the pressure for a wife to do it all. The discussion is not really relevant for the OP though because in another culture or in a past generation, she wouldn't be doing a full time (or more) job in addition to caring for the home and children. Shes not stressed out about her home duties or her "role"...its the fact that she is doing all that plus a full time job as a daycare provider, or at least that is how I am reading her posts.

[Blackcat31]

In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.

The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.

It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.

Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.

The wife takes care of the family and the house.

Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)

and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.

Sorry I am going all over the place with this....

I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...

Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.

In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.

Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.

Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.

[AmyLeigh]

In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.

The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.

It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.

Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.

The wife takes care of the family and the house.

Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)

and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.

Sorry I am going all over the place with this....

I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...

Soooo agree with you here. I could go on and on with you about this.

[cheerfuldom]

"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."

wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will ....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.

[cheerfuldom]

Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.

In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.

Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.

Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.

EXACTLY. People havent changed....times and cultures have. I dont think a high divorce rate is anything to be proud of but what I know for a fact is that there were countless women in other cultures or generations who suffered unbelievably because they didn't have the option to be divorce. A low divorce rate is not necessarily an indicator of HAPPILY married couples.

[daycare]

Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.

In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.

Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.

Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.

Sorry to go off topic too...

I know what you are saying. Yes years ago, women were submissive to men. The men even walked in front of them, never beside them. BUT this is not what I meant. (in my home country)

All that I am saying is that there has to be ROLES..and it doesnt have to be even. You need to communicate, not nag. DOn't mother your husband, teach him what you want done and share what needs to be done so that everyone is happy at the end of the day.

maybe one person can take on more than the other better.

Its no a matter of keeping hush hush or not being able to say anything. YOu had a role and you stuck to it. There were no other OPTIONS and this may sounds horrible, but I think that in today's world there are just too many options out there. Can't buy something, get a credit card. DOn't like your boss, quit your job and get a new one, fighting with your spouse, just leave and on and on .

Yes women have come a tremendous way....AND this is gonna get me blasted, that does not relieve her of her roles as a mother, a partner and an individual. NOR does it a husband.


Sorry OP....DOn't want to take over your thread

[AmyLeigh]

I love him more than life itself and treat him very well. He is very loving to me and a great dad, but like I said before, he just doesn't get what I do with daycare, and all of the work that I do. I am going to take a lot of the advice from this thread and maybe write down some thoughts and have a heart to heart with him. He knows that I am on edge (this is the second time this week I went off in the morning) so it wont be a surprise. Thank you ladies, for sharing your opinion, thoughts, advice, and experiences!!

That's fabulous. It's a bit of a sensitive subject for me because I hate to hear women expecting to be treated like queens and yet are treating their hubby's like dirt. I've seen it all of my life. I swore I would never do that and have had 18 happy years of marriage due to it.
Communication is always the key, isn't it? Business and personal relationships thrive on it.

[cheerfuldom]

Sorry to go off topic too...

I know what you are saying. Yes years ago, women were submissive to men. The men even walked in front of them, never beside them. BUT this is not what I meant. (in my home country)

All that I am saying is that there has to be ROLES..and it doesnt have to be even. You need to communicate, not nag. DOn't mother your husband, teach him what you want done and share what needs to be done so that everyone is happy at the end of the day.

maybe one person can take on more than the other better.

Its no a matter of keeping hush hush or not being able to say anything. YOu had a role and you stuck to it. There were no other OPTIONS and this may sounds horrible, but I think that in today's world there are just too many options out there. Can't buy something, get a credit card. DOn't like your boss, quit your job and get a new one, fighting with your spouse, just leave and on and on .

Yes women have come a tremendous way....AND this is gonna get me blasted, that does not relieve her of her roles as a mother, a partner and an individual. NOR does it a husband.


Sorry OP....DOn't want to take over your thread

I think maybe this post was clearer than the first. Sounds like most of us can agree that there has to be some negotiation and compromise on who does what....and less complaining and comparing. Moms AND Dads both have an important role to play and the responsibilities that come with those roles. It is also important to note that when you see your partner struggling, exhausted, lasing out because of stress and fatigue, you HELP them and help carry the load together, NOT leave them to struggle alone. Its not about the wife doing XYZ and the husband doing ABC....its about the two of them being their for each other and finding a way to make it work. Right now, for the OP, it isnt working. Both her AND her husband can work together to change that but it takes two! Thanks for clarifying daycare.

[Ariana]

In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.

The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.

It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.

Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.

The wife takes care of the family and the house.

Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)

and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.

Sorry I am going all over the place with this....

I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...

But she's not a SAHM like a housewife in the 1950's. She's working 12 hours a day bringing in a paycheck. Totally different scenario.

I also think we can agree that a major reason no one got divorced in 1950's is because of financial reasons. Women couldn't make it on their own and NEEDED the man for survival, not to mention the fact that women got NOTHING in divorce situations back then. I could go on and on and on about why this scenario is a flawed arguement but I won't. Bottom line is that I'm sure there were a lot of VERY unhappy women staying in unhappy marriages in the 1950's and likely in your home country as well. I'm sure it's not all sunshine and roses as you're depicting. Many women from other countries accept their positions in the family as 2nd, 3rd or 4th and that doesn't mean that I have to. If my husband is going to divorce me because I nagged him to do the dishes then I'll show him the way out

[daycare]

But she's not a SAHM like a housewife in the 1950's. She's working 12 hours a day bringing in a paycheck. Totally different scenario.

I also think we can agree that a major reason no one got divorced in 1950's is because of financial reasons. Women couldn't make it on their own and NEEDED the man for survival, not to mention the fact that women got NOTHING in divorce situations back then. I could go on and on and on about why this scenario is a flawed arguement but I won't. Bottom line is that I'm sure there were a lot of VERY unhappy women staying in unhappy marriages in the 1950's and likely in your home country as well. I'm sure it's not all sunshine and roses as you're depicting. Many women from other countries accept their positions in the family as 2nd, 3rd or 4th and that doesn't mean that I have to.

Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.

YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.

AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.

[Ariana]

Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.

YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.

AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.

My parents had an equal partnership and are married going on 50 years and still going. My dad made bread, cleaned, cooked dinner and worked. My mom did the same.

I do understand what you're saying about "roles" but IMO that's not the problem. I see men today as much much much more lazy then men back then. My dad worked HARD and then came home and continued to work. Fixing this or that, painting, cooking or whatever. He didn't play basketball or go play poker with friends or watch tv all evening long like men today. I honestly think that's what the issue is. Men had more respect for themselves and took family more seriously. Today's men have been so babied by their own mommas they expect it to continue when they get married.