Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[SunshineMama]

Oh man, poor DH!

I woke up early this morning, like every morning, and kind of went off on him today about everything that bothered me. I feel like I have to do all of the house maintenence, all of the daily chores, work 11-12 hour days, and take care of our children too. I was too exhausted last night to even put DD to bed, and she was up until 10:30pm last night (the first time in her life) until DH came home from basketball. I just feel ike I am working 100 full time jobs, with no time for myself. No sick days, no lunch breaks... I feel very stressed and over-worked, underpaid, and very under appreciated. THEN DH said, "fine, let's switch." Which made me even more mad because even if I worked outside the home and he stayed with the kids- the house would be a wreck and he wouldnt do childcare so we wouldnt have any money. RRRRR!

Do any of you ever feel resentment toward your dh at any point in time?

Yesterday was an awful childcare day and I dont see it getting any better with my twin preschool screamers!

I am very good at my job and take excellent care of the kids, but I am burning out fast. I dont know what else to do.

I set too high of expectations on myself to get business at a good fee. I am doing everything I said I would but I am getting burned out. I can't renege on what I told them I would do for the kids- thats why they signed up with me.

But I cant sustain my output level and I am burning the candle at both ends. And now I am resentful to DH for his "alone time" he gets during his 1 hour commute to and from work, and his lunch break, and that he works 15 hours less per week than I do but I still do more at home.

How do you cope with all of the above?

Something has to give!

[nannyde]

Why is your DH playing basketball when you are working twelve hour days? How many hours does he work a day?

He needs to get home right away and take over the care of his kids and his house. He needs to hit the floor running when he walks in the door and get to getting housework and child care done so you both can have some family time once the kids are gone. He needs to keep working until ALL the household work is done and the kids are done for the night. Then he can go play.

Are you guys evenly dviding the kitchen, vaccum, laundry, child care etc? Remember the housework and the care of his children is his JOB. When he does his job he's not helping you... he's doing his job.

[SunshineMama]

Why is your DH playing basketball when you are working twelve hour days? How many hours does he work a day?

He needs to get home right away and take over the care of his kids and his house. He needs to hit the floor running when he walks in the door and get to getting housework and child care done so you both can have some family time once the kids are gone. He needs to keep working until ALL the household work is done and the kids are done for the night. Then he can go play.

Are you guys evenly dviding the kitchen, vaccum, laundry, child care etc? Remember the housework and the care of his children is his JOB. When he does his job he's not helping you... he's doing his job.

My thoughts exactly! It still doesnt excuse my behavior this morning of going off, but the stress is just killing me. We are going to have to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I feel like I am talking until I am blue in the face.

He will help out if I nag him enough, but then I feel like he is a dck and I have to sing the clean up song and put him in charge of each activity. I am not speaking husbandese correctly to get him to do his fair share. All he sees is that I get to be home all day, play outside, etc, and he is unable to comprehend the mental and physical exhaustion of childcare. I dont know how to make him understand :/

[wdmmom]

Nan is right again!

I am very envious that my husband only works 35 hours a week and gets paid a hefty full time salary. What I wouldnt give to have a cush job like his.

But...he gets home everyday right before the kids get home from school. He then unloads the dishwasher or loads it, keeps the kids entertained, helps with homework or is taking them outside to keep them out of my hair. He usually helps with making dinner too.

Later on, even after I'm done working, he helps put the kitchen back together, will fold laundry, etc. I try to keep up on everything and sometimes I'm successful. Other times I'm not. When I need help, I simply need to ask.

Sounds to me like your husband is yet another classic case of narrow-minded-ness. Just because you are home does NOT mean you aren't working! He needs to pick up the slack! His arms aren't broken! The next time he complains the floor is dirty, wheel him in the vacuum. Next time the dishes arent done, give him a dishrag. The next time he runs his mouth, remind him that this isn't the 60s and housework isn't just a woman's job!

[Meeko]

Time for a serious heart to heart with hubby. Not a few comments before bed, or before he leaves for work. Set aside some evening time (I know it's hard!) when you can be alone. Get a sitter and go to dinner or a drive or something and talk about priorities and what your wants and needs are. Let him know this is serious and you need his help.

My day care is in a separate house...I leave home at 5AM and some days I don't get home until 6:30PM. There is no way I could do it without my husband. He is the stay at home parent (even though our youngest kids are 17 and 15) During the day he takes care of errands, shopping, dental and doc visits, school functions, taking the girls to and from school, taking care of the dog, and he keeps the house spotless 24/7. He's not a great cook, but will do what he can to make it easy for me to throw dinner together when I get home. He'll defrost stuff, chop veggies etc. I haven't done a lick of laundry in years. We bought a new washer and dryer about 5 years ago and I have only used it about twice! Had to ask hubby for instructions!!!!

It used to be the other way around. I was a stay at home mom with just a few kids. He was full time Air Force and worked long, hard hours. His job often meant being on call and having to get up and go back into work at 3AM etc. I took care of the house, laundry, errands etc.

Then we were in between like many here on the boards......we did day care at home, together. We shared all household chores equally then.

Some husbands don't think about stuff at home. Because their wife takes care of everything and they never see it actually being done, they think it's no big deal. They are not horrible or uncaring...they just don't see the problem. Make him see the problem!

[Breezy]

Preaching to the choir sister! I know exactly how you feel

[renodeb]

My husband works at HomeDepot and sometimes doesnt have to be in until 10 or after so he can sleep in. Im up every morning at 5:30 to get my self ready and get our own kids up. Sometimes I wish I could sleep in until 8 or 9 during the week. But when the weekend roles around I do get to sleep in and he has to work. (in retail working weekends is a must). It does seem to even out some. He also drives the kids to all there appts because I cant really. I guess if I really thought about it Im not getting that bad of a deal. Hubby does help alot with laundry and housework so Im not left with it all.
Do you take much time off? Its sounds like you are going to hit a wall and soon! I find that it is important to get out of the house however you can on the weekends, it really does help. Have some adult conversation. How old are your own kids? My kids are 15 and 9. If there old enough have them help out.
Dont let your husband off so easy. Switch jobs yeah right (not realistic) I think a lot of men dont see all we do in a week. Maybe he needs to help out more at home. JMO.
Anyway you slice it this is a hard job, long hours, few perks.
Debbie

[Blackcat31]

I am going to hug my DH tonight (or at lunch today since he comes in every afternoon to help me) because my DH is the exact opposite.

He does EVERYTHING that is needed around the house. He works just as much as I do and happily does chores around the house too. He keeps everything running smoothly outside and has no issues doing laundry or dishes. His mother even taught all 5 of her boys to sew! As a matter of fact, he is the one who makes our bed every day!

He plans and cooks dinner EVERY night so it is ready when I get home. He grocery shops with me and is my partner in every way!

lovethis This thread just made me appreciate him that much more! lovethis

OP~ wishing I had some good advice for you. All I can offer is that open communication between the two of you is the only thing that is going to help. You two need to sit down and discuss exactly what you both expect from and for each other. Nothing will ever change unless you both make the effort.

[daycare]

OMG I think I could have written this same post.

Let me start off by telling you my situation. My husband works a job that can be super easy or super stressful, 85% of it is easy peasy. He works 2 part time jobs. BOTH of these jobs allow him to SLEEP all day long, watch tv, play sports, workout, or just chill out and do anything they want. He works rotations on both night to days. He has 3-4 days off every week. My husband is so used to staying up late at night and getting to sleep all day, that he does that at home too, even on his days off. He stays up until 2am playing video games, wakes when he feels like it, then just sits around until someone calls him to hang out. (he is also in medical school right now too)

HE does all of that, while I take care of my business and my entire family and house.

It used to make me angry.

BUT then here is what I decided and got me over it.

I chose my line of work and he chose his. I need to stop keeping score. Yes his is easier than mine.

I also realized that by my actions of continuing to do everything with our house and kids, I was enabling him all of the time, just like his mom did. The more that you show you are capable, the more it will become expected. (sad, but true)

I had one talk with my husband and told him what I needed help with.
Of course that lasted about a week.

SO I STOPPED...and I mean I stopped everything.
I just started doing "ME" and what makes me happy. As soon as he came home from work, I left and did something I wanted to do. I had to let things go. It drove me nuts, but he had to see that it was NOT possible or FAIR for me to have to do everything.

In the end, I found that I was at fault for the reason why my husband is the way he is. Because I have always took care of everything.

Sweetie, you just need to stop doing it all, as well as stop taking score. At then end of the day you can't be mad at him for not being the person that you wish he would be. Instead you have to help him.

Lucky for me, once I stopped doing everything, cleaning, cooking, kids, and etc. He noticed. I also was depressed a little and he noticed that too.

EVERYONE needs to be responsible for their own happiness. DONT ever expect for anyone to do it for you.

I would be ok with my husband going to play basketball, because if he does not have an outlet, then he will become unhappy and over stressed. Then it would affect me too....

A few months back, I drew up a chore chart for my family. On it, it states what each person has to do daily. AND I mean EVERYONE.
Mom, Dad, Teens and little guy all have chores.

Teens rule is you can't go anywhere until homework and chores are done.

My husband and I have to have our stuff done before bed time. Our favorite thing to do it fold laundry in front of the TV with a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed.

And lastly, the little guy. He has to do his chore and put his sticker on his chart.

I really hope that all of my words that went all over the place has not confused you. Sorry I got pulled away from the computer about a million times.

[Ariana]

Hugs to you sister!! It sounds like it's time to stand up for yourself and demand more from your DH. Like Nanny said "why is he playing basketball when you're working 12 hour days"???

Start dividing up the chores. My husband comes home and immediately I get a break. He'll take my DD out or play with her here. He's also on kitchen duty so ALL the dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner is his responsibility. He also helps me tidy up the play area if I need help. He makes me and DD breakfast every morning! It wasn't always this way but I put my foot down and started demanding more from him. Like most guys he needed daily duties every day. Guys can't just look around and figure it out for themselves usually so it helps to be specific.

[Heidi]

It sounds like your kids are still pretty young. I remember those days! I once had a good cry because my ex-husband could not understand that once in a while, I just needed to have a friggin ice-cream cone by myself!

My friend almost lost her marraige over all this as well. She whined and cried but really did nothing for 5 years, and then finally, one day, she told him how she really felt, and that she was considering leaving. That woke him up, man! He knew it "bothered" her, but she really needed to look him in the eye and say "I need you to be a partner, not another one of the kids". Just bringing in $ does not make you a partner.

Will it always be equal? No. Should you keep a score card? No. But, your dh does need to understand that you need down time too, and that he needs to step up and give you that. Even if one night a week, he TAKES over (not just completing a list of chores, but really taking control). That means dinner, kids, everything. Even if you just go to the nearest Starbucks with your laptop and sit for 3 hours, that's ok. Or, join a book club, a crafting club, or something you are into.

You have to let go of the control though, he may make the kids cereal for dinner, he may order a pizza. It won't kill them for one night a week.

I would also suggest you make sure that you give each other time. My friend is still really nervous about sitters, but it's cost her! She and her DS do nothing together, and she resents it, but she doesn't do anything about it. Even if it's just 2x a month, set aside a little money and go out for dinner, or take a picnic to the park, or go on a bike ride togehter, or mini-golfing, or something. No movies, though, at least rarely. Too expensive and you can't talk, IMO. I officially hate going to movies unless it's something that has to be seen on the "big screen".

One more idea: Ask DH to take a day off of work and be your helper for the day. That means he doesn't go golfing or fishing. He stays and acts as your assistant. One day. Pay him what you get paid (or an estimate). Of course, it doesn't hurt to plan a few more ahem...challenging...activities for that particular day!

[Ariana]

I will echo bbo's advice!! You definately need to let go of the control. Just because he may not do it the way you would doesn't mean he can't do it. It's important for your kids to see their dad take care of them as well for their emotional and cognitive development. Dad's have SOOOOO much to offer that's different from moms, but sometimes we as moms won't allow them to do that.

[nannyde]

He will help out if I nag him enough

It's not "help". That's where your mindset is off.

It's his JOB. He's not "helping" when he cares for his kids and does housework and cooking. He's doing his JOB.

Does he tell his friends that you "help" him care for the kids or "help" him do houswork? Would he EVER say that phrase?

Time for you to tell him that you are going to start dumping day care kids so you can have the time it takes every day to do his JOB. If it means dropping every kid so all you have are your own kids then so be it.

Start dropping the kids that put you into the past nine/ten hours a day hours and go from there.

He is a grown man. He doesn't need coaching or nagging. He needs to learn to do the hard WORK of child care and household duties. You have learned.. so can he. The ploy of begrudgingly doing it incorrectly IS the same tactic that men have been using for decades to get out of their job. He didn't invent it, it's just what works.

[cheerfuldom]

Sounds like he needs a good kick in the arse...this was my exact post about 2 years ago and we were on the verge of divorce. My husband did not get it until he was literally packing a bag when I told him to shape up or ship out....then he got and has been 100% a different person since then. Men don't get nagging...they are simple people. Plan some shock and awe and straight out tell him to get it together. Scale down your daycare kids and your hours and he can work a second job if that is what it takes. Concentrate on you and your kids. My husband has no regular extra things like basketball....hell no....I dont get ANY regular hobbies and there is no way I am watching the kids while he goes and screws around with his friends.

I agree with nan...he knows how to do it right, he's just used to you doing everything and all he has to do is put up with the nagging. If he doesn't know how to do it, he needs to figure it out and stop playing the stupid card.

[daycare]

Sounds like he needs a good kick in the arse...this was my exact post about 2 years ago and we were on the verge of divorce. My husband did not get it until he was literally packing a bag when I told him to shape up or ship out....then he got and has been 100% a different person since then. Men don't get nagging...they are simple people. Plan some shock and awe and straight out tell him to get it together. Scale down your daycare kids and your hours and he can work a second job if that is what it takes. Concentrate on you and your kids. My husband has no regular extra things like basketball....hell no....I dont get ANY regular hobbies and there is no way I am watching the kids while he goes and screws around with his friends.

I agree with nan...he knows how to do it right, he's just used to you doing everything and all he has to do is put up with the nagging. If he doesn't know how to do it, he needs to figure it out and stop playing the stupid card.

Sorry...you said that you have no hobbies so your husband can't have any either...

I don't get this...

WHY not?