Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[Country Kids]

I'm glad this thread has turned around and you two have found each other!!! Maybe together you can turn your men around-

[daycare]

I'm glad this thread has turned around and you two have found each other!!! Maybe together you can turn your men around-

Same here....too funny...and for awhile I thought that I was all alone.....

this culture is one of the nicest I have ever met but at the same time very hard to understand why they do what they do with their kids.

[SunshineMama]

Same here....too funny...and for awhile I thought that I was all alone.....

this culture is one of the nicest I have ever met but at the same time very hard to understand why they do what they do with their kids.

I do have to say that, since meeting dh, he has gotten me to lighten up a lot and take time to enjoy life more.

But I do agree that there is a huge cultural difference in child-rearing!!

[Ariana]

There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.

Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.

Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.

Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.

I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.

What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.

I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.

[cheerfuldom]

Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball." :: They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.
It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.

It doesnt sound like the OP is being silent When someone is shouting at you "HELP!" then I think it is safe to assume that they need help. I absolutely agree that respectful communication is the best way to go though. Congrats on 18 years together! It sounds like you have really figured out things in your own relationship but please remember that each other person has a different dynamic. What worked for you and your hubby may not be what works for them and thats okay.

[cheerfuldom]

Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.

I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.

Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.

We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.

There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.

I agree with you wholeheartedly....my comment that you qouted was giving the hubby the benefit of the doubt. TO ME, it just sounds like plain out laziness as you said but I don't know him, I don't know all the details and I gladly give someone the benefit of the doubt

[cheerfuldom]

There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.

Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.

Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.

Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.

I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.

I'd hardly call all the changes since the 50s a downward spiral....progress for women has been a part of many amazing changes for all of society....like civil rights.

I think I do see what you are getting at though. We are not that far as a generation from the thought that men do this and women do that. Women's "roles" have changed a lot and that has pros and cons to what it has affected for men. STILL....if your spouse is not happy and things are not working in a marriage, its not going to do anyone any good to start talking about how things were in the good ol' days. The reality is that the OP and her hubby are in the here and now and need to get things worked out in their own reality...not the reality of what things would have been like if they were married in the 50s.

[cheerfuldom]

I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too

I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!

He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!

oh lordy....waking him up??? I don't even wake up my four year old. I don't think this is a "man" issue.....he does sound like another child and you already have enough of those to take care of!

[cheerfuldom]

So how can you really fault him when this is the way he was raised? Seriously, that is the only life he has ever seen! In a way if you've known him this long, you should have seen this way before marriage and know that he would probably be that way.

One he probably sees what his mom does for a living and then still does everything at home. Then when he sees you at home all day (believe me I know we aren't eating bon-bons) but then you want him to help, he seriously isn't going to get it.

Two, even though he lives here, he still is very strong in his culture. Believe me I am married to someone from another culture and they so want to hang on to "The ways back home" and back home is still here in the states but everyone from the same culture lived there.

Now that I hear about his background, I can't really fault him. He was raised that way and sounds like his whole family does it the same way. Probably no changing him anytime soon.

People can change. Culture of course plays a huge role in your life, just like your childhood but that doesnt mean you have to be trapped in a dynamic that is not working.

[cheerfuldom]

What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.

I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.

AMEN sister!

[AmyLeigh]

It doesnt sound like the OP is being silent When someone is shouting at you "HELP!" then I think it is safe to assume that they need help. I absolutely agree that respectful communication is the best way to go though. Congrats on 18 years together! It sounds like you have really figured out things in your own relationship but please remember that each other person has a different dynamic. What worked for you and your hubby may not be what works for them and thats okay.

Amen!!

I love it when we get good debates going without hurting each other's feelings, don't you?? It's better than "the wheels on the bus go round and round...."

[AmyLeigh]

What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties?

The exact same thing that is wrong with wanting old-fashioned values and lifestyle. Absolutely nothing.
Believe me, it's not just working mom's that have been made guilty by others. Stay at home moms get it too. It's an ongoing debate that will not end until we all learn to play together nicely.

[Michael]

That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh...

I have to chime in here. I am not taking sides but this line made me stop. I think you are enabling some of his behaviour. It would have been better to "help" him fill out his applications and pre-job online screenings.

[laundrymom]

Can I just give Nan a high five!?!?!?

It's not "help". That's where your mindset is off.

It's his JOB. He's not "helping" when he cares for his kids and does housework and cooking. He's doing his JOB.

Does he tell his friends that you "help" him care for the kids or "help" him do houswork? Would he EVER say that phrase?

Time for you to tell him that you are going to start dumping day care kids so you can have the time it takes every day to do his JOB. If it means dropping every kid so all you have are your own kids then so be it.

Start dropping the kids that put you into the past nine/ten hours a day hours and go from there.

He is a grown man. He doesn't need coaching or nagging. He needs to learn to do the hard WORK of child care and household duties. You have learned.. so can he. The ploy of begrudgingly doing it incorrectly IS the same tactic that men have been using for decades to get out of their job. He didn't invent it, it's just what works.

[SunshineMama]

I have to chime in here. I am not taking sides but this line made me stop. I think you are enabling some of his behaviour. It would have been better to "help" him fill out his applications and pre-job online screenings.

You are correct Michael! I have enabled a lot of this behavior and need to step back on a lot to let him do these things himself. All behaviors I need to change within myself