DCB Has Serious Issues :/

[Mary Poppins]

As crazy as this post may sound, it is true (and long, sorry!) but I really NEED some opinions here.

I have a dcb who is 6 and has been in my care for almost a year. We've had some issues with him (hitting, kicking, throwing toys, biting my assistant, and lots and lots of lying). I have nanny cams and keep him on camera at all times to protect my dc. I also document everything and each time something happened, I would address it with dcm, who genuinely seems concerned about her son and really wants what is best for him.

I do have in my policy the right to terminate if a child creates a hostile environment, which this one has done, but his anger and frustrations are aimed at the adults - not the other dck's. In between, he is a fun, loving, generally happy little guy who (up until now) I felt just needed some structure and guidance. I have even told dcm "if I thought he was evil, I'd terminate him NOW..".

So, after the last round of "issues", we devised a behavior modification plan which was working brilliantly for a few weeks right before Christmas. I mean he was like a new kid! happyface

Welllllll.....

The day before Christmas break, dcm brings him and his 2 yo sis (who is really sweet and we really adore) as scheduled. Dcm is in TEARS. Dcb has a smile a mile wide on his face. Dcg seems oblivious (she is 2 after all :: ).

Dcm proceeds to tell me that dcg (2 yo) threw their puppy down the stairs and killed it that morning!!

We ALL loved this puppy as he would always come with dcm for drop-offs and pick-ups so needless to say, we were heartbroken.

So while I am consoling dcm, the first thing dcb does is pull my assistant aside and whispers in her ear that dcg "killed my puppy. I saw her do it!" -- still with a SMILE on his face. He went through the rest of the day without a care in the world. In fact, we both commented that we hadn't ever seen him so happy. Especially considering how much he seemed to love the puppy. :confused:

I'm sure you can see where this is going...

So, over Christmas break, he confesses to dcm that it was HIM, he said he killed the puppy because (in his words) "it was in my room while I was cleaning and I had no choice!".

When she told me I was in shock and I took him aside and asked him about it myself, and he gave me the same excuse. I was floored. HE IS SIX!! SIX!!!!

I have NEVER had a child leave me speechless.

Their hamster had died mysteriously a few weeks before so I asked him if he did that, too, and his answer was, I kid you not, "no, if I had, I'd have come here smiling that day too." Then quickly said "I mean frowning" when he saw the expression on my face.

Honestly, I KNOW I should term this boy after this so that's not a question as I'm sure 99% of you would have already sent him packing. The problem is, I love dcm and dcg and I really am concerned for this little dcb's psychological needs and don't want to just give up on him. I do have some limited background with child psychology but I am totally not equipped to give him what he needs - and it is obvious he needs some serious HELP. NOW.

I talked to dcm extensively and suggested counseling ASAP for him. She agreed but I don't know if she has the resources for it. She also seems to want to place blame for his behaviors on other people and things and not make him own them, which worries me.

I am so at a loss and frankly this kid is beginning to frighten us. I don't believe children are born evil, but something about this one just leaves me in awe.

So.. other than terming (which I AM considering but hate to have to do UGH)... WWYD? Would you require counseling or even attempt to find one for him or.. ?? :confused:

[Blackcat31]

Honestly. I would term. If I were a parent in your care, I would leave in a red hot second if I knew you kept this child knowing wha tyou do. It is your job to keep the children safe AS A WHOLE and having a child in care that you know is having some very aggressive behaviors along is not ok, no matter how badly you feel.

I don't mean this rude, so excuse my bluntness but it isn't your job to fix or help this child other than steer mom in the direction of counseling or a pysch evaluation. You can feel bad as much as you need ot but this is NOT your problem (unless you keep him). This issue belongs to the family and they need to get this child some help before something worse happens.

I also think this may be a reportable thing....since mom told you it isn't hearsay but the behaviors are abit alarming, plus you cannot trust that mom will seek help so reporting to CPS, might guarantee some sort of intervention.

Good luck..... This is one sticky situation to be in. ((hugs)) for having to deal with this at all.

[Mary Poppins]

Honestly. I would term. If I were a parent in your care, I would leave in a red hot second if I knew you kept this child knowing wha tyou do. It is your job to keep the children safe AS A WHOLE and having a child in care that you know is having some very aggressive behaviors along is not ok, no matter how badly you feel.

I don't mean this rude, so excuse my bluntness but it isn't your job to fix or help this child other than steer mom in the direction of counseling or a pysch evaluation. You can feel bad as much as you need ot but this is NOT your problem (unless you keep him). This issue belongs to the family and they need to get this child some help before something worse happens.

I also think this may be a reportable thing....since mom told you it isn't hearsay but the behaviors are abit alarming, plus you cannot trust that mom will seek help so reporting to CPS, might guarantee some sort of intervention.

Good luck..... This is one sticky situation to be in. ((hugs)) for having to deal with this at all.

Thank you. I know you are absolutely right and this is sooo difficult for me. I really just need other dcp's to confirm what my head is telling me. I have been stressed about it for 2 days now (since they returned from break and dcm told me the horrible truth). He is off today and honestly, I don't want him to come back now after reading my own post.

I wondered about the reporting it thing, too. I had even thought about talking to his school's counselor but really, IT ISN'T MY PLACE and as you said, it isn't my problem. Sigh.

This is just horrible for me. I try to stay emotionally detached, but, well....

[wdmmom]

Term or change your policies to include NO SCHOOL AGERS. That way you might be able to keep the family without having to care for him!

I am completely horrified by this post! I don't care if it was my minister's son...he'd be termed. That kind of behavior is WAAAAAYYY too high of a liability to me!

This child is seriously sick and twisted and will wind up killing his sister on your clock all because she got in his way if you aren't careful!

[godiva83]

What an awful situation for all of you to be in. This boy is dealing with some major aggression and psychological issues that are beyond your control. This situation does need to be reported in everyone's best interest. He seems hostile and you really don't know what could happen in any given situation. He needs immediate intervention.

I would report, give a list of resources and stress the importance of early intervention and term, after all you need to look out for all whom are in your care even the adults who are being bitten

[KEG123]

Wow, yeah I'd term if dcm cannot provide proof he is in counceling.

[Mary Poppins]

Term or change your policies to include NO SCHOOL AGERS. That way you might be able to keep the family without having to care for him!

I am completely horrified by this post! I don't care if it was my minister's son...he'd be termed. That kind of behavior is WAAAAAYYY too high of a liability to me!

This child is seriously sick and twisted and will wind up killing his sister on your clock all because she got in his way if you aren't careful!

Thanks. I just signed on another SA'er (he starts tomorrow) and handed out new policies for the year so that won't work.

I am horrified by it, too. I can't believe I am in this position and if you could see this boy when he is just being good - he is SO SWEET... ugh. It is like he has something evil inside him that comes out. It's crazy!!

I have honestly only met ONE other child in my life who was like this - my dh's nephew who was adopted. He was born addicted to crack and his mom was also an alcoholic. I've read that can cause a child to be born without a conscience and THIS is exactly what I feel this dcb has. NO CONSCIENCE.

A few weeks ago he was mad and in trouble here and he told me that he "wants to go to juvie" but I thought, oh, he has just heard that term used somewhere and is saying it for shock value. Now? I am not sure this isn't exactly what he plans for his life.

I feel sick to my stomach knowing I HAVE to tell dcm he can't come back.

[godiva83]

As a care giver it is totally your place to speak to whom ever can be assistance to this boy - you are doing it for his safety and well being and that is your job.

[Blackcat31]

Thank you. I know you are absolutely right and this is sooo difficult for me. I really just need other dcp's to confirm what my head is telling me. I have been stressed about it for 2 days now (since they returned from break and dcm told me the horrible truth). He is off today and honestly, I don't want him to come back now after reading my own post.

I wondered about the reporting it thing, too. I had even thought about talking to his school's counselor but really, IT ISN'T MY PLACE and as you said, it isn't my problem. Sigh.
This is just horrible for me. I try to stay emotionally detached, but, well....

Talking to his school counselor may not be your place but reporting to Child Protective Services is. That is probably the one thing you can do for him (and his family) is to report what mom told you and hopefully they will be able to provide whatever help and/or services they need.

It is okay to feel bad. Most of us really are caring, loving and nurturing people. It is okay to feel bad. It is NOT okay though to stay silent about something this important. Hang in there....

Oh, and I would really think about not allowing him to return tomorrow. I, personally would level with mom and tell her you are scared of the liability and the "what-if" that could happen and that would destroy your business. Being so honest and open with mom might just be the push she needs to get her DS help NOW.

[Mary Poppins]

What an awful situation for all of you to be in. This boy is dealing with some major aggression and psychological issues that are beyond your control. This situation does need to be reported in everyone's best interest. He seems hostile and you really don't know what could happen in any given situation. He needs immediate intervention.

I would report, give a list of resources and stress the importance of early intervention and term, after all you need to look out for all whom are in your care even the adults who are being bitten

Thank you. I really should have termed after he bit my assistant but I just... well... thought "we can fix this kid".

Do you have any suggestions as to which resources to offer her?

Also, I am legally unlicensed but was thinking of contacting licensing in my state for guidance. I wonder if that's a good idea??

[Mary Poppins]

It is okay to feel bad. Most of us really are caring, loving and nurturing people. It is okay to feel bad. It is NOT okay though to stay silent about something this important. Hang in there....

I am literally in tears. Dcm is picking up dcg in 10 minutes and I'm afraid it will be the last time I see either of them.

[godiva83]

Aww hon I am so so sorry - you can tell your heart is in the right place and you just want what is best

I think Mum will get that! Tell her you are concerned for his well being and all others in your care - she should understand.

I am in Canada so my resources would be Children's Aid society/ Children services
Or if you have a 'Blue Book' it is a phone book with all mental health related persons to help and contact info.

Keep strong. Remember you can't help everyone and this boy needs more than you can give at this moment in order for him to succeed

[cheerfuldom]

I would term for the sake of the other kids and other adults, you have a responsibility to them as well. As much as you mean well for this family, it doesn't sound like you are trained to deal with the unique needs of this boy

[Mary Poppins]

Thanks again everyone. Of course while I was in the bathroom trying to gain my composure so I could tell her what needs to be said, she came and my assistant gave her dcg.

Which is good because that gives me time to gather a list of resources, practice what I am going to say and handle this professionally. It certainly isn't my 1st time terming someone but for some reason this one hits me hard.

It is just sad for all of us. Dcm and I get along so well, she is a great client, her dd is thriving here and we start what I call toddler preschool this Monday. Dcm was so excited about it and even volunteered to come help! So hopefully she will still bring dcg but I guess I need to mentally prepare for them both to go.

The weird part is, I will miss "good" dcb. He really can be such a charmer but now, looking back, I wonder how much of that is manipulative.

Most of it, I'm afraid....

[Breezy]

No advice. Just wanted to send hugs!! The post gave me chills. :/