Biting @ Daycare

[kimmills]

As a parent of the child who's bitten or hurt by another child, it an be very disturbing. The caregiver needs to bring the parents of the aggressive child and discuss the problem with them. This kind of aggression could be due to one of more of several reasons. And yes, I'd be overly concerned if this continued.

[Unregistered]

Assistant Teacher

I can tell you why aggressive behavior is allowed.
Providers may not like what I am about to share, but it is the truth...
States are pushing towards child led everything. They have taken the rights away for any punishment except time outs. Sure, they can oust the child out of their program, but if competition is stiff, they aren't going to want to give up their income. Then you have Quality ratings. They set the standard for this 1,2,3,4, or 5 star quality that everybody wants to receive so badly because it means they can carry that title. But, do you realize that within this quality ratings, you are so limited on what you can and can't do with children, including what and how you teach. A child expressing aggressive behavior must be left alone, and area cleared so as not to hurt him/herself. That's right, let them have their fit... it's okayyy. Don't make them do ANYTHING they don't want to do... it's all child led. Check out what high scope learning is all about, you'll see some of what I am describing. It'll blow your mind. They tell us that preschoolers shouldn't be taught fundamentals, like letters and numbers (they'll learn that soon and easy enough in K.) and they aren't ready for that kind of structure, it's too hard for them. BUT, let the child lead what you teach. Oh, yes... never teach anything that has clear cut answers, always teach open-ended subjects, where there is no wrong answer, and take away any games that are competition so they don't "experience losing" rather, don't teach them to be a good sport, so we will just make sure that there are enough chairs out when playing musical chairs and never take one out when the music stops. It makes my head spin. Then we wonder, why are there so many aggressive children, no manners, no values? It's because the parents aren't with their children enough and teachers aren't allowed to teach. That's why.
Oh, by the way... I am a preschool teacher with an education. I refuse to be conformed by their low standards and low expectations of children. The children in my preschool are well behaved, happy, and know how to be a friend, and have fun, even when they are the ones left standing when playing musical chairs.

I want a job at your daycare! You seem to have things in perspective (it amazes me how little people know, both daycare providers AND parents about what is appropriate for the children). It seems that daycare providers have their hands full and tied. My class is with one to two year olds and my daycare allows the parents to run the class. The parents have not excepted that it is now time to teach children right from wrong (they believe they are too young). Most of them are still on bottle feedings. Yet our ratio is 1 to 4.

I think there is such thing as age-appropriate guidance for these guys. The longer you wait to give this guidance the harder it is to break the behavior. Thus, they remain aggressive self-centered brats throughout our entire system. Unless the parents can afford private school later, they better wake up and smell the coffee. Public schools do not tolerate misbehavior.

And as far as biting is concerned, don't get me started. Some of these stories do include excessive biting and I understand their frustration. If your child needs "shadowing" one-on-one attention, it's time to hire a private nanny. Most daycares do not have a spare person to deal with this. My state, NY, has no clue how to create ratio standards as we almost always have a biter in our class but only 2 (if we're lucky 3 people to deal with the crowd). Since they are bottle-fed, in addition to trays, tables and sippy cups, we have to clean the bottles. The clean-up takes time while one person is watching six to eight kids by themselves. And all of the nap times, which can take up to 20 minutes apiece to lay these kids down, take one person away from the classroom, six to eight times a day.

I'm looking for another line of work. We are grossly underpaid, overworked and dealing with abusive angry parents who do not want their tuition to increase, just the standard of care.

And for all of the purported "concern" they have for their children, they almost always send them to us when they are sick. These are two-parent families and our daycare allows for them to have a fever of 101 before sending them home. They display signs of sickness at 100. They infect everyone, including the staff, and it's like working in a child infirmary with screaming and crying all day long.

Amen, for someone who is finally speaking out about this ridiculous coddling! It's time to leave for me. I dread the day I am in a nursing home and one of these selfish punks will be taking care of me. I wonder if their parents are going to have to go to work with them to be sure nothing stresses them.

[Help me!]

My son is in preschool (3.5 years old) at a large, top-tier, NAEYC accredited school. He has been bitten twice in just 3 months by the same child. The most recent bite was deep enough to draw blood. This child has bitten other students. The daycare has done things such as suspend him for day, had someone shadow him, etc. It hasn't helped as this is obviously an ongoing issue. Additionally, the child is special needs with what I believe is a moderate case of autism. He's not verbal at 3.5 years old which is part of the problem, he disrupts the class with temper outbursts and a whole bunch of other issues. I think he needs to be put into a school that specializes in students with autism so that he can get the attention and care he deserves, but that's my own, non-professional opinion. The problem is that my son's daycare is hesitant to expel the student even though there is a three-strikes-you're-out policy. They're more lenient with this student because of his special needs. As the parent of child who's been bitten by this child not once but twice, I find this to be alarming. I worry that this child could seriously injure another child during one of his violent temper tantrums. Short of pulling my son from this school, what can I do?

[Unregistered]

Homeschooled my children

So, maybe I have no say here. But this thread seems rather disturbing to me! I think one or the other of my children bit a brother or sister (it's been a while - my youngest just turned 26) but I responded with punishment and then love. I don't think any of my children did it more than once. Is a second income worth this?

[Unregistered]

I understand that children bite, and I am sympathetic to the parents of children who bite. But if the child repeatedly bites other children, breaking the skin and causing bruising, the child needs to be removed from daycare until such time as s/he works through that behavior. I'm not saying s/he is a bad kid, or that the parents are doing anything wrong. But at the same time other children are being hurt, and that cannot just be glossed over.

It must be nice to live in a world that's so black-and-white that the answer is to just pull the kid out of daycare until they outgrow the (not abnormal) developmental biting stage. But since I live in the real world I'll tell you how it really works.

My kid bites. It started about 4 months ago when he bit twice in two days. We addressed the issue at home and it stopped. Until yesterday when he bit three times. I suspect teething is the issue since both biting spells correlated with teeth coming in. The teachers tell me that he's not being aggressive or frusterated, and that some of it seems to be misplaced affection or "just gnawing".

I get that biting is not acceptable and we're working on it. However, if my child is termed then I have no choice except to put him in another facility. Someone staying home with him is not an option. Both my husband and I have to work. We kinda need to have a place to live and, ya know, eat. I have researched a private nanny, but that's still something that's way out of our price range. It's literally 3X the $ to pay a private nanny than it is to put him in a facility and that's not even counting the taxes you have to pay a nanny. I can't spend money I don't have. That's simple economics. So, please, tell me just what the hell I'm supposed to do?

[Blackcat31]

It must be nice to live in a world that's so black-and-white that the answer is to just pull the kid out of daycare until they outgrow the (not abnormal) developmental biting stage. But since I live in the real world I'll tell you how it really works.

My kid bites. It started about 4 months ago when he bit twice in two days. We addressed the issue at home and it stopped. Until yesterday when he bit three times. I suspect teething is the issue since both biting spells correlated with teeth coming in. The teachers tell me that he's not being aggressive or frusterated, and that some of it seems to be misplaced affection or "just gnawing".

I get that biting is not acceptable and we're working on it. However, if my child is termed then I have no choice except to put him in another facility. Someone staying home with him is not an option. Both my husband and I have to work. We kinda need to have a place to live and, ya know, eat. I have researched a private nanny, but that's still something that's way out of our price range. It's literally 3X the $ to pay a private nanny than it is to put him in a facility and that's not even counting the taxes you have to pay a nanny. I can't spend money I don't have. That's simple economics. So, please, tell me just what the hell I'm supposed to do?

...and providers can't afford to lose income from families that pull their children because other children keep getting bitten by the same kid.

So, ultimately I DO sympathize with you and you do have to do what's best for you...just like the providers do.

So until there is a solution for providers (in regards to not losing income) the problem will remain the responsibility of the parents who have a child that bites.

[Unregistered]

...and providers can't afford to lose income from families that pull their children because other children keep getting bitten by the same kid.

So, ultimately I DO sympathize with you and you do have to do what's best for you...just like the providers do.

So until there is a solution for providers (in regards to not losing income) the problem will remain the responsibility of the parents who have a child that bites.

I get that. And at this time what is best for our family is to have him in care of some kind. If it's not this facility it will be another. This response is really for the people who are saying that my only acceptable options are to stay home or hire a nanny. If I could afford to do that then I wouldn't have him in a center in the first place.

[Blackcat31]

I get that. And at this time what is best for our family is to have him in care of some kind. If it's not this facility it will be another. This response is really for the people who are saying that my only acceptable options are to stay home or hire a nanny. If I could afford to do that then I wouldn't have him in a center in the first place.

Hoping the phase passes quickly for you.

Biting is hard to deal with from any angle.

Not all kids bite but thankfully those that do ALL outgrow it.

Hang in there...

[Cat Herder]

I get that. And at this time what is best for our family is to have him in care of some kind. If it's not this facility it will be another. This response is really for the people who are saying that my only acceptable options are to stay home or hire a nanny. If I could afford to do that then I wouldn't have him in a center in the first place.

Being termed can be in your kids best interest. It is not always punitive. Sometimes moving him to a new place will solve the problem. No worries. Look for one with more space, fewer kids and a calming environment.

Are the kids crowded in so close that they will be more prone to getting frustrated?

Are they kids allowed to wander away from the group for a bit of individual play if they feel overwhelmed?

Are kids forced to participate in activities?

Look for the triggers in your own child, then find a placement that suits his individual needs. It makes such a huge difference. Look at a term as a gift. It really can be.

[Unregistered]

Being termed can be in your kids best interest. It is not always punitive. Sometimes moving him to a new place will solve the problem. No worries. Look for one with more space, fewer kids and a calming environment.

Are the kids crowded in so close that they will be more prone to getting frustrated?

Are they kids allowed to wander away from the group for a bit of individual play if they feel overwhelmed?

Are kids forced to participate in activities?

Look for the triggers in your own child, then find a placement that suits his individual needs. It makes such a huge difference. Look at a term as a gift. It really can be.

It's been a little more crowded that usual lately. There are never more than 9 kids to a room with two teachers.

Like I said earlier, I suspect that the trigger is teething. His doctor confirmed last week that he's got at least two teeth coming in right now. He's a slow teether, so who knows how long it will take to fully come in though. He's been more mouthy with his toys lately and has even been chewing on teething rings (which he typically hates). I gave him a dose of Tylenol before dropping him off this morning to help maybe alleviate pain to see if that would help.

[Cat Herder]

It's been a little more crowded that usual lately. There are never more than 9 kids to a room with two teachers.

I suspect that the trigger is teething.

How old is he?

[Unregistered]

How old is he?

15 1/2 months.

[Cat Herder]

15 1/2 months.

At his age parallel play is his preferred method. Sharing toys with friends, in close unsupervised proximity, is not an expected skill, not quite yet. He won't want kids touching, grabbing or pulling him. Biting is a normal response to that being allowed to happen to him.

I don't think anyone really see's that as your toddler being a "biter". He is protecting his space the only way he knows how right now. Really the only known solution, at this age, is actively protecting him from other kids and them from him. Your provider should know that, though.

IMHO, Unless he is opportunistically going over to other kids and actively biting them without provocation, you probably don't have an issue other than divided adult supervision.

A "biter", generally, is a kid who should know better and is doing it purposely and repetitively.

[Unregistered]

At his age parallel play is his preferred method. Sharing toys with friends, in close unsupervised proximity, is not an expected skill, not quite yet. He won't want kids touching, grabbing or pulling him. Biting is a normal response to that being allowed to happen to him.

I don't think anyone really see's that as your toddler being a "biter". He is protecting his space the only way he knows how right now. Really the only known solution, at this age, is actively protecting him from other kids and them from him. Your provider should know that, though.

IMHO, Unless he is opportunistically going over to other kids and actively biting them without provocation, you probably don't have an issue other than divided adult supervision.

A "biter", generally, is a kid who should know better and is doing it purposely and repetitively.

Thanks. That makes me feel somewhat better.

The sharing thing was the issue several months ago. It was often caused by fighting over a toy. We addressed that at home by working with him on "sharing" his toys with me and my husband. It really only took a weekend to break him of it.

This round, the incident reports all say "unprovoked" biting. Now whether that is true or just that the teacher didn't see what happened, I don't know. One incident happened inside a play tunnel and another was while they were sitting close together during circle time, so it's very likely a personal space issue in addition to other things. That I don't know how to handle. I could try to mimic those conditions at home, but since he's a pretty affectionate kid close quarters don't always upset. It's like he's cool with it for awhile and then when he's done he's done. And at least one of the kids he bit is his best buddy. He was playing with her like nothing was wrong when I picked him up. I swear I'll never understand toddlers.

[Cat Herder]

Thanks. That makes me feel somewhat better.

The sharing thing was the issue several months ago. It was often caused by fighting over a toy. We addressed that at home by working with him on "sharing" his toys with me and my husband. It really only took a weekend to break him of it.

This round, the incident reports all say "unprovoked" biting. Now whether that is true or just that the teacher didn't see what happened, I don't know. One incident happened inside a play tunnel and another was while they were sitting close together during circle time, so it's very likely a personal space issue in addition to other things. That I don't know how to handle. I could try to mimic those conditions at home, but since he's a pretty affectionate kid close quarters don't always upset. It's like he's cool with it for awhile and then when he's done he's done. And at least one of the kids he bit is his best buddy. He was playing with her like nothing was wrong when I picked him up. I swear I'll never understand toddlers.

What I see are adult issues. The documentation is to the adults benefit, be wary of that. It sounds like they have made the decision. Have you started looking for other care?

He is 15 months, not 20-24 months... there is a big difference there. I know it does not seem like it should be, but it is. Big. Is he still in an infant room or a wobbler room?

Truth: He should not be in a place where he cannot be directly supervised with "friends". Not yet. One in the tunnel at a time. He should not have that easy access to his "friends" while working on a biting issue either. Not quite yet. His place should have been right next to the adult well out of reach.

The simple truth is toddlers can't have "friends". Not yet. They enjoy watching and learning from one another, but don't have the ability to understand that what hurts them hurts others. They just don't. Not yet. It is the adults responsibility to protect them from one another by preventing the opportunities for it.

I am not going to be popular today... ::::