Sports And How They Affect Your Daycare, Home Life, Etc.

[jen]

Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway.

And, it's not step father, it's me. I don't want him taking on the roll of father. I have been their mother and father for years and when I got into a relationship with him, I didn't do it to find a suitable father for my kids. I have been doing it on my own for years and I don't like asking for help. I learned to adapt when I got divorced and still live that way.

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have don't have kids my age.

You guys all make valid points and I respect that but between the anxiety, the lack of help and going out of my comfort zone, this is really too much! I have a guy friend that offered to take him to all his games but then I feel guilty if I'm not there.

It's a 6 of 1, 1/2 dozen of another situation.

OK...no doubt that someone is going to tell me I'm being mean but...

Aren't you holding your children back from participating in events and making friends in order avoid dealing with your own issues? It sounds as though you've found a solution that at least lets the kids participate but don't want to do that because you'll feel guilty. I'm sorry, but isn't that YOUR problem? It seems that you are making your kids pay the price for your issues and that really isn't fair.

By the way, what did you mean when you said "Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway." Are you saying that you and your husband weren't interested in seeing your stepson participate in hockey?

[wdmmom]

OK...no doubt that someone is going to tell me I'm being mean but...

Aren't you holding your children back from participating in events and making friends in order avoid dealing with your own issues? It sounds as though you've found a solution that at least lets the kids participate but don't want to do that because you'll feel guilty. I'm sorry, but isn't that YOUR problem? It seems that you are making your kids pay the price for your issues and that really isn't fair.

By the way, what did you mean when you said "Step brother lived with grandma up until a year ago so we've never really gotten to "see" him do much...not that we were very interested anyway." Are you saying that you and your husband weren't interested in seeing your stepson participate in hockey?

I'm saying that ME & MY KIDS weren't interested. Still aren't.

I was raised in a family that sports were "stupid" and a "waste of money time and money". And the community I live in has made them about winning and losing...not about the kids ability to learn and play fairly. That disappoints me beyond belief and is a contributing factor to me not wanting to be involved.

I admit I have my issues and financial matters are also a huge part. Not only do I want to have to pay a large expense to participate but the cost of equipment and the gas to transport back and forth...I'm projecting it costing at least $500 for a 9 week program.

To me, that is a chunk of change that I can't pull out of the sky.

[jen]

I'm saying that ME & MY KIDS weren't interested. Still aren't.

I was raised in a family that sports were "stupid" and a "waste of money time and money". And the community I live in has made them about winning and losing...not about the kids ability to learn and play fairly. That disappoints me beyond belief and is a contributing factor to me not wanting to be involved.

I admit I have my issues and financial matters are also a huge part. Not only do I want to have to pay a large expense to participate but the cost of equipment and the gas to transport back and forth...I'm projecting it costing at least $500 for a 9 week program.

To me, that is a chunk of change that I can't pull out of the sky.

I would still suggest checking in to community education. It is much cheaper and often times they supply the equipment. You can also buy it second hand on ebay or craigslist.

[permanentvacation]

I would beg, borrow, and steal to let my kids join sports or any other proper activity. Group sports, individual sports (swimming, running track, etc.,), and non-sports extracurricular activities such as learning piano, taking up arts, etc. teach children way too much to not allow them to join. They learn social skills, teamwork, gain self-confidence, sometimes simply find themselves, spend time in a safe environment doing proper activities instead of being bored and getting into trouble, even if you can assign plenty of chores to keep them out of trouble, they gain so much personal knowledge, rewards, etc., from sports and activities. Yes, if my child wanted to do any proper activity, I would do everything and anything to allow them to do it! You can go to the 1st meeting and let the coach and everyone there that your child needs a ride. Explain your situation and there's a good chance someone will give your child a ride. Or if you can't afford it, call or go to wherever you have to go to register and ask if there's any program that will help you pay for it. Tell your child to try to cut people's lawns to raise his own money. Find some way to lower your daily living expenses to be able to cover the sports/activities. Make a list of your spending - from your mortgage/rent, gas and electric to grabbing a soda when you stop for gasoline. Look over your list and see where you can save money and cut costs. Maybe disconnect the cable (if you have it), maybe have everyone pack lunches instead of buying them, simply changing the way you cook meals can save some money, call your phone company and other companies you pay and see if there's any way you can save money on your bills.

Here's my personal experience on having my children in sports/activities. I have 2 children of my own. My older has been in piano, karate, soccer, basketball, cheereleading, then in high school, soccer and track. My younger has been in karate, soccer, basketball, and cheerleading. I have operated my home daycare and did almost all of the running of my kids to and from all activities by myself. My now ex-husband didn't help much at all raising the children. He pretty much was a walking ATM. Didn't actually assist much with the day to day tending to the children, just paid for things. He did however, in the mornings take our older daughter to her private school in the morning (because it was on his way to work anyway). She went to piano lessons at her school in the morning and played soccer for her school which had practice a couple of days/week after school and games on Saturdays. After school (during daycare hours) I had to load up my younger daycare children, drive 20 minutes to her private school, pick her up, then drive to the local school and pick up my daycare kids from the local school. On the days that she had practice after school, I had to get the local daycare kids from their school first then get my daughter from soccer practice.

Every one of my children's activities has began during my daycare hours. For the past 13 years (since my older daughter was in kindergarten), I have always put daycare kids in my vehicle to take my personal children to and from sports practices and sometimes their games as well. I have never had a problem with my daycare parents regarding this. I explain during the interview that my daughter is in whichever sport it is at the time and that we have to leave each day at whatever time to take her to practice and the parents have always said that was fine with them. The daycare kids that have had to go with me to watch their games or track meets have had a blast cheering my kids on! I have had to have some of the parents pick their children up from me at the games/track meets instead of my home and they were all fine with it.

Basically, since your child/children have an interest in participating in a proper activity that will be good for them in so many ways, yes, I would suggest that you do everything in your power to allow them to participate in their chosen activity.

[Meyou]

I'm a slave to dance classes so I totally understand. Every single weekend both Sat and Sun between Sept and June there are multiple dance classes for my dd. Two nights a week too. I hate it but she loves it and I think it's one of my jobs as a parent to be chained to my steering wheel driving kids where they need to do at times. My parents did it for me so I do it for mine. *sigh*

Respectfully, I think you need to consider what your kids need and want and just do the driving. Better yet, ask stepdad, family or friends for help. If he's living in the same home with the kids it's not a huge stretch to be driving them sometimes. It's also NOT AT ALL an indication that you can't do it all alone. I've been single, married, divorced,single, dating and now with a live in boyfriend since my dd was born 12 years ago. I expect my bf to be a responsible male role model in my kids lives but not their dad. They have an awesome dad but any adult in their lives should be someone they and you can depend on, IMO. Your significant other is your support system and you should use that when you need it. Would you refuse to drive his child somewhere?

[dEHmom]

This is a little off topic but I'm looking for all types of opinions/advice/suggestions.

I have 4 kids...3 girls, 1 boy. My son is 10 and is wanting to join football in the autumn. At first I thought it was great that he wanted to be active, play a sport, ect. but looking at this further has lead me to believe it would be more of a nuisance than it's worth.

Not only is there a practice once or twice a week in the week (usually at 530pm) but there is a game EVERY Saturday or Sunday and they are all between 345pm and 730pm!

I like to spend my weekends cleaning, relaxing, planning upcoming events for daycare, grocery shopping, etc.

Is it selfish of me to not want him to do this?!

Not only do I find myself feeling exhausted already just thinking about it but not 2 of the 3 girls are harping me that they now want to do something too!

To be completely honest, I don't see us having the money to enroll 3 of the 4 kids, I don't like to drive and I would be forced to take them here, there and everywhere, and I would have to pretty much keep every weekend open. That would mean not seeing my family for 9 solid weeks as well.

Keep in mind that I come from a family that sports weren't an option nor were they ever introduced. I asked to be in several things as a child (gymnastics, cheer leading, etc.) The only choice I got was to be in band.

I don't want to hold my kids back but I do think that they are too young. At the same time, any activity would put a hinder on my job and on my life in general and I'm the type that thrives on structure.

Any suggestions?!

I haven't read ANY of the responses yet.

I understand how you feel. I had 3 kids in Soccer this summer, and so monday thru thursday we were booked in the evenings running here and there. I was also in school as well. It really did stink, but to me my kids joining sports was really important. I didn't join soccer until I was in grade 5, and all my friends had been playing since they were 2 or 3 yrs old. I wasn't nearly as good or competitive as they were.

Its a sacrifice I was willing to do. It wasn't all year either, it was only for a couple months.

It might be a good idea to ask them about a different "cheaper" sport like soccer instead. The kids who never played sports in school or outside of school were the ones who always got into trouble, did drugs and stuff. EVERY kid I knew was like this. Even some of the kids on the sports teams were doing bad things too. But it was always harder on them in the sports.

We live in a small city/town, and there isn't anything to do as a teen, there is no shopping mall, and the theater only plays one movie for a week or 2 at a time. So the kids either play sports, or get into trouble.

As for the weekends, I feel ya! My parents, and DH's parents are both divorced and remarried, so we have ALOT of family to jam into 2 days. Some compromise and come and watch a game in the evenings and have supper after, other come and visit us on the weekend. Having kids is tough, and doesn't give much for time.

Cleaning I do as I go the best I can. Then friday afternoon/evening, I do a much better clean so I can relax most of the weekend. Any mess is just my kids and our mess, so it's not so bad.

They will make friends quickly on the teams, and they can get rides to the games/practices with coaches or other team mates. This would help a lot so you have some evenings to do other things.

As for money, we are lucky because our parents (kids grandparents) will pay for part or all of the extra curricular activities. You can also tell the kids, that if this is what they want, then for bday/xmas they can ask grandma, grampa, aunty or uncle for money towards enrollment costs or equipment.

[daycare]

Im not trying to be mean, but I don't think you are being fair to your children. I agree with Jen that you should seek medical help so that it does not affect your ability to parent. It's not your childrens fault that you have anxiety and they shouldnt have to suffer beacuse of it.


Just because you find it stupid, does that mean your children have to agree with you and never be allowed to pursure thier dreams?

I am not trying to put you down, but i really think that you are making way too many excused to NOT let your child participate.

All I have to say is don't knock it until you try it. As for the money, there are plenty of programs out there with scholarships, places that will give you equipment and as someone else posted community education.

[wdmmom]

I'm a slave to dance classes so I totally understand. Every single weekend both Sat and Sun between Sept and June there are multiple dance classes for my dd. Two nights a week too. I hate it but she loves it and I think it's one of my jobs as a parent to be chained to my steering wheel driving kids where they need to do at times. My parents did it for me so I do it for mine. *sigh*

Respectfully, I think you need to consider what your kids need and want and just do the driving. Better yet, ask stepdad, family or friends for help. If he's living in the same home with the kids it's not a huge stretch to be driving them sometimes. It's also NOT AT ALL an indication that you can't do it all alone. I've been single, married, divorced,single, dating and now with a live in boyfriend since my dd was born 12 years ago. I expect my bf to be a responsible male role model in my kids lives but not their dad. They have an awesome dad but any adult in their lives should be someone they and you can depend on, IMO. Your significant other is your support system and you should use that when you need it. Would you refuse to drive his child somewhere?

Would I refuse...possibly. Depends on the circumstances surrounding it. For example...he has a week in August where stepson will need to be at hockey camp at 530pm...obviously my job interferes so I wouldn't take him. I'm not going to ask my families to accommodate it. If it was something more consistent and longer than a week, I might consider it. Right now I work 7am - 530pm and I'm wanting to shorten my hours but if I do, I lose 1 client for sure...possibly 2.

[dEHmom]

oh, and also, my youngest is 3.5 yo, and there are kids on his soccer team that are better because they played when they were 2. same goes for my 5 and 7 yo. There are WAY better kids, who are actually somewhat of ball hogs because they've played for a year or more before.

[sharlan]

Please reach out and allow others to help you. Your inability to let go of the total control is going to have some serious impacts on your children as they grow.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but from what you have written, it is your husband and his son, then, it is you and your children. It appears that rather than blending you are keeping the families seperate in order for you to keep control. Do you really think this is fair to your children?

[permanentvacation]

Me again. Thought I would mention what positive things came from my kids being in sports.

My older daughter used to be a paid karate instructor (she stopped karate a couple of years ago) but she had a couple of years as a paid instructor. She is definately capable of protecting herself in the real world - I know there will always be someone that could over power her, but if a guy tried to attack her, she'll put up a real good fight and be able to properly defend herself. She has choosen to go to a small college which does not offer sports scholarships, but if she wanted to go to a larger school, she could get a scholarship for track. The coach at the small college she chose wants her on his track team badly and told us that if there's anything we need help with in getting her accepted to his college, just ask him and he will pull any strings he can for her. Neither of my children have been involved in drugs/drinking. Yes, my older one who is going to college tried it just like anyone else, but didn't get involved in it. She would rather be out running and keeping in shape for track. Both of my kids choose like minded friends - the ones interested in sports and school activities. It kept them out of trouble and interested in the 'right' activities and friends.

When I was in high school, I tried out for the basketball team and actually made it onto the team! I was thrilled to death. I had (in elementary school) been in all Gifted and Talented classes and I loved learning. Then we moved. The school I moved to wanted to test me before putting me in their GT classes but they had already completed their testing for the year and refused to test me until the following year. I got an attitude about that and lost interest in learning and basically had no interest in school at all. Then something made me want to try out for the basketball team in high school. I made it on the team, but my mother didn't drive. My father was a truck driver -drove the entire U.S. and would be gone for 3 wks at a time so he wasn't home to drive me to basketball practice. So my mother told me I could not join the team. I was devestated and to this day wonder how my life might have been different if I had been allowed to join the team. Instead of playing basketball, I was keeping myself busy with the wrong crowd drinking and partying in the woods every weekend. There was another time in high school when I was offered a job working for the government at NSA National Security Administration and my mother wouldn't allow me to take the job because I didn't drive yet and she couldn't drive me to it. She wouldn't allow me to bum a ride from a friend - she didn't want me to get in trouble at work if my friend didn't go to work some day and I couldn't get a ride. I happen to run into my friend - the one who drove and did accept the job and she has it made in the shade! She still works there, has unbelievable benefits, an awesome paycheck, great car, lovely house, plenty of vacation/sick leave, etc. Yep, I really wish my mother did whatever she had to to let me do what I knew would be good for me. Those two experiences that I went through and still wish I were able to have experienced are what made me decide that I would do anything I can to make sure my children experience any positive activity they want to experience.

I know so many kids who's parents couldn't afford to put them in sports/activities or simply didn't want to bother to do so that wound up in trouble and hanging with the wrong kids. Kids often hang in their groups of friends that often are associated with their sports/activities. If you aren't in a sport, there's a chance that you'll be forced to hang with the wrong crowd because you simply won't fit in with the sports/activity kids. I'm not saying its guarenteed that they will get with the wrong crowd, it's just easier to slip into it if you're not already part of the right crowd.

[wdmmom]

Please reach out and allow others to help you. Your inability to let go of the total control is going to have some serious impacts on your children as they grow.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but from what you have written, it is your husband and his son, then, it is you and your children. It appears that rather than blending you are keeping the families seperate in order for you to keep control. Do you really think this is fair to your children?

LIving the life I am and the circumstances surrounding it, yes, right now, this is the way things need to be.

I knew getting into this that he had a son that lived with grandma and I knew the circumstances surrounding why. He was basically thrown onto our laps when grandma decided to pick herself up a boyfriend and live the "be young, be free, go ___ " lifestyle. Fair?! Not so much. I never expected to "parent" this child.

And, "keeping control" as you call it isn't the reason for not blending as you see it. As I see it, we are all individuals living together. We are not harmonious or in unison. We are just us being who we are. Better to be me than live a lie and be someone I'm not.

[jen]

LIving the life I am and the circumstances surrounding it, yes, right now, this is the way things need to be.

I knew getting into this that he had a son that lived with grandma and I knew the circumstances surrounding why. He was basically thrown onto our laps when grandma decided to pick herself up a boyfriend and live the "be young, be free, go ___ " lifestyle. Fair?! Not so much. I never expected to "parent" this child.

And, "keeping control" as you call it isn't the reason for not blending as you see it. As I see it, we are all individuals living together. We are not harmonious or in unison. We are just us being who we are. Better to be me than live a lie and be someone I'm not.

It seems to me that Grandma raised her kids and would be free to decide that her son should take responsibility for his. Fair...Absolutely.

[permanentvacation]

The anxiety issue - maybe you can do some soul searching and try to figure out why you are nervous about the outside world. Often times, its one incident that happened that made a person afraid of something. Once that person realizes that that incident was a one time thing and learns how to handle themselves if it ever were to happen again or how to go about a more typical life ( going outside, to your kids games, driving, etc. ) while feeling more in control of situations that might arise that make them feel uncomfortable, you might be able to go out and about more.

A person who had been raped when younger for example. They might be nervous to go out in areas they are unfamiliar with or around people they don't know. However, if they learn that it was most likely a one time thing that doesn't typically continue to happen to the same person over and over. They also learn to be more aware of their surroundings, not seem paranoid, but deffinately aware of who is where. They also might want to take karate lessons or some other form of self defense lessons to help themselves better fight off a possible attack. They might get into the habit of sitting by the exit, sitting in the end of an aisle, etc. so they can quickly escape the area if they feel threatened. Those are some things that someone who is a bit nervous, for good reason, can do to be able to enjoy outings while doing the best they can to make some changes that make themselves feel a bit safer out there.

I don't know what caused your anxiety, I'm just using an example. But what I mean is maybe you can figure out what your nervous about, why your nervous, and what you can do to be able to make yourself feel safer in the world to allow yourself to go out in the world more.

[nannyde]

I don't do any sports activities for my son. I didn't sign up for that when I became a parent. Haven't even given it a second thought.

I don't have the time in the evening and I need the weekends to relax.

We put our money into having a nice home, really good quality food, and travelling. My son has been all around the world from the time he was an infant. That's WAY more important to me than sports or extracurricular activities.

To each their own.