Daycare Family is Leaving, I'm So Relieved, But WHY Do I Feel So Sad and Hurt??

[Lilbutterflie]

I have read all of your threads about this boy. I'm actually shocked by your reaction. You wanted them to leave! And now you feel bad since they are excited about going to a new daycare and that they quit rather than your being able to term them?! You can't have it both ways and shouldn't be seeking sympathy here after everything you've said about this boy. You were going to term them anyway and considered doing so a long time ago and the family probably sensed that, so they should have put in notice and went somewhere else rather than waiting for you to term them. It's very difficult for families to get into any daycare in our area after a provider terms them. Did you ever consider that in your decision? It doesn't seem that you spoke with the mother to give her the choice of quitting rather than getting termed, which I think is very low of you by the way and unprofessional - you should have been direct and upfront about your intentions with the family. Even businesses give their employees the option of quitting rather than being fired. I think you only feel bad because they quit and you don't have the "aha" justification of a termination to make yourself feel better about it. Now, if this family chooses, they can spread their opinions about your level of care and your not being able to rein the child in rather than you spreading around on this forum on how you termed them. (If that's their opinion about you.) Not all providers are a good fit for each child, plain and simple. You should consider how that family feels as well. It's never easy for families to start new daycares after being with a provider for a lengthy time, so of course the family is going to make this a positive experience. Did you really want them to sulk and cry and beg to be able to stay and say they don't want to go to the new daycare? Would that have made you feel better? Pretty sick if that's what you wanted. Be professional and take the high road and help them make this is a positive, easy transition.

First, if it were just him I think I may feel different. When I think about not having to stress about him any longer, that far outways whatever hurt feelings I have over them not appreciating me or what I've tried to do to help him.

But, it's not just him. It's him, his loving and well-behaved step brother; and his super cute/loving/cuddling sister.

And yes, the hurt feelings mainly stem from dcm telling them that they get to go to a special place and avoiding the real issue. She's lying to them when she tells them it's a school, which bugs the heck out of me, too. I realize she is making it easier for them to accept the initial transition; but it makes me feel like she's trying to get back at me and that my daycare is NOT special.

I realize it's part of the job, and I realize I shouldn't feel sad or hurt b/c this is a business and I wanted this to happen. That's the thing about our business, though. It's not just business, it's PERSONAL. When you are there caring and providing for a child for 50+ hours a week; it gets very PERSONAL. Even though I was prepared to give them notice, it still doesn't mean that I don't care for them. I also did NOT want to lose the siblings, but I realize families stick together.

I don't understand when you say that I was unprofessional by not asking them if they wanted to quit or be terminated. WTH??? I've never heard of such a thing. What difference does it make, a two week notice is a two week notice regardless of who does it. The Friday before she gave notice, I told her that she had two choices: come up with a plan to correct his behavior (which I hoped involved seeing the therapist their Dr has already referred them to) or find another daycare (preferably one that did not have animals or small children). So I WAS very direct and upfront with them. I was warning them that if they didn't come up with a plan they would be gone. Two business days later, she gave notice.

Thanks to all the ladies that responded. I am glad to know that these feelings are normal. And thanks for listening to my vent! Love you all!

[Meeko]

I have read all of your threads about this boy. I'm actually shocked by your reaction. You wanted them to leave! And now you feel bad since they are excited about going to a new daycare and that they quit rather than your being able to term them?! You can't have it both ways and shouldn't be seeking sympathy here after everything you've said about this boy. You were going to term them anyway and considered doing so a long time ago and the family probably sensed that, so they should have put in notice and went somewhere else rather than waiting for you to term them. It's very difficult for families to get into any daycare in our area after a provider terms them. Did you ever consider that in your decision? It doesn't seem that you spoke with the mother to give her the choice of quitting rather than getting termed, which I think is very low of you by the way and unprofessional - you should have been direct and upfront about your intentions with the family. Even businesses give their employees the option of quitting rather than being fired. I think you only feel bad because they quit and you don't have the "aha" justification of a termination to make yourself feel better about it. Now, if this family chooses, they can spread their opinions about your level of care and your not being able to rein the child in rather than you spreading around on this forum on how you termed them. (If that's their opinion about you.) Not all providers are a good fit for each child, plain and simple. You should consider how that family feels as well. It's never easy for families to start new daycares after being with a provider for a lengthy time, so of course the family is going to make this a positive experience. Did you really want them to sulk and cry and beg to be able to stay and say they don't want to go to the new daycare? Would that have made you feel better? Pretty sick if that's what you wanted. Be professional and take the high road and help them make this is a positive, easy transition.

Oh good grief.
Be careful you don't trip over your halo, dear.
(Why do I think of Dana Carvey every time you post?)

This poor provider has been through hell with this kid and has tried and tried and tried to make it work. Sure she's come on here to vent. Most of us are not saints and we have days where we are ticked off and frustrated! Thank goodness we have friends here who can help, sympathize and give a shoulder.

It is normal for her to feel a mixture of relief and sorrow. She's worked damned hard and invested a lot of time and emotion in this child and family and doesn't need some self-important troll sneering at her.

[MamaBear]

Its normal

I know how you feel. Hang in there! I just had a difficult family leave too. I feel so relieved now about it. My mornings have been so nice the last 2 days without them here and having to deal with THAT mom! It will get better & soon you'll be over them. HUGS to you!

[Mom_of_two]

Meek- !

OP- I think that it is normal- a human emotion to want to be loved despite the difficulty, and you did provide care for a long time.

I think it differs from child to child, but it is likely they do not understand exactly what is going to happen. They may experience an emotional response *during* the transition, as opposed to just having it explained.

I hope the best for all involved.

[Meeko]

Meek- !

OP- I think that it is normal- a human emotion to want to be loved despite the difficulty, and you did provide care for a long time.

I think it differs from child to child, but it is likely they do not understand exactly what is going to happen. They may experience an emotional response *during* the transition, as opposed to just having it explained.

I hope the best for all involved.

The mother is feeling hopeful during this transition time....but her child is going into a LESS structured enviroment. I can only see things getting worse.

In the meantime, the kids think they are going to a place that exceeds Disneyland for fun and will get a shock after a few days.

[daycare]

Not paid, but regularly do home child care (i.e. babysitting for friends kids in evenings ans weekends), but I have lots of close friends and close relatives who do paid home child care currently or did in recent past. I can understand your point of feeling so little, but I'll bet that the family feels the same way, especially after how hard they've also worked to make the arrangement work - and especially after they get termed. In this case, I'll bet this family feels the same way, put down - I'm sure there were things said between the provider and this family that the family didn't like - no one likes hearing all negative about their own child. I still say it's best when things don't work out, to be professional and just take the high road and don't burn bridges in the provider/child/parents relationship.

The provider has taken the higher road I have not read that she has done anything unprofessional. The only she has done is human; feel! Like someone else said this woman has tried her hardest to help this family and it has come to this... I feel for the provider and hope that everything goes well.

Until you have been our shoes, don't try to walk in them..

[Live and Learn]

Oh good grief.
Be careful you don't trip over your halo, dear.
(Why do I think of Dana Carvey every time you post?)

This poor provider has been through hell with this kid and has tried and tried and tried to make it work. Sure she's come on here to vent. Most of us are not saints and we have days where we are ticked off and frustrated! Thank goodness we have friends here who can help, sympathize and give a shoulder.

It is normal for her to feel a mixture of relief and sorrow. She's worked damned hard and invested a lot of time and emotion in this child and family and doesn't need some self-important troll sneering at her.

::::::Yup

[DaisyMamma]

It's true, they have no idea how much they will miss you. They don't really "get it". I can see your side though. You will miss them. But just think, it's what you wanted anyway. In the long run it will be best. Just keep reminding yourself that you will get over it.

[Meeko]

Not paid, but regularly do home child care (i.e. babysitting for friends kids in evenings ans weekends), but I have lots of close friends and close relatives who do paid home child care currently or did in recent past.

I'm not a doctor, but I've put lots of bandaids on before and I have friends who are doctors.....so that gives me the right to give medical advise right?

Babysitting on evenings and weekends does not even give you a GLIMPSE of what it is like to be a day care provider

[Unregistered]

It's normal

OP, I've been in your shoes before and it's normal to feel how you're feeling.

Parents never want to hear about their children's negative behavior and that's especially true when the child's behavior jeopardizes their space in daycare! Maybe she saw the writing on the wall and she wanted to be the one to "break up with you" as opposed to you ending the relationship. The mom sounds like she's going for the kill with the comments about her child going to a "special place" and by rubbing the excitement of going to a different place in your face. Try not to take it personally. Try to think of how much smoother your days will go once this kid is gone! Try to keep in mind that it is what's best for you and the rest of your kids.

[MamaBear]

Yes

The provider has taken the higher road I have not read that she has done anything unprofessional. The only she has done is human; feel! Like someone else said this woman has tried her hardest to help this family and it has come to this... I feel for the provider and hope that everything goes well.

Until you have been our shoes, don't try to walk in them..

DITTO to everything she said

[Unregistered]

Ditto

The provider has taken the higher road I have not read that she has done anything unprofessional. The only she has done is human; feel! Like someone else said this woman has tried her hardest to help this family and it has come to this... I feel for the provider and hope that everything goes well.

Until you have been our shoes, don't try to walk in them..

Ditto - you and her shouldn't comment either unless you've been the customer at a daycare full time either and if you can't see and acknowledge both sides of a debate. That's what makes sucessful businesses - the ability to empathize and see both sides of situations. Obviously the OP and the rest of you aren't thinking of how the family feels. It would have been fine if the family had been termed but since they are happy going elsewhere, that makes them disrespectful? Can't have it both ways. I have plenty of childcare experience, thank you, so I will continue to comment. I still say she should make it a positive transition experience. And no, I don't think it's normal for her to feel bad, especially after her ongoing threads about this child and how she was going to term him. Almost no one seems to see that side and yet the family is still wrong - you all would have sided with this provider regardless of whether the family quit or she termed them. Customer service training anyone?

[Unregistered]

you're unprofessional

Oh good grief.
Be careful you don't trip over your halo, dear.
(Why do I think of Dana Carvey every time you post?)

This poor provider has been through hell with this kid and has tried and tried and tried to make it work. Sure she's come on here to vent. Most of us are not saints and we have days where we are ticked off and frustrated! Thank goodness we have friends here who can help, sympathize and give a shoulder.

It is normal for her to feel a mixture of relief and sorrow. She's worked damned hard and invested a lot of time and emotion in this child and family and doesn't need some self-important troll sneering at her.

It's one thing to not agree and have a debate, but quite another to name call, etc - if you do this to adults, what do you teach the children in your care? You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm glad that the OP clarified to me that she did warn them that she was thinking termination. I just think the expectations should be realistic on both sides when the relationship comes to an end. I think many of you could use the other side of the story sometimes. Just because I don't get paid doing childcare for a living doesn't mean I don't have any experience. Come on, there's one lady who only has one child all week that posts on this forum. I watch more kids than that!

And to answer the OP questions, it does matter whether a family gets termed or quits. I've followed threads on here where providers have said it does. Some providers said that they check references every time and won't accept a child who was termed. Almost no one can afford a nanny.

[Lilbutterflie]

Ditto - you and her shouldn't comment either unless you've been the customer at a daycare full time either and if you can't see and acknowledge both sides of a debate.

I have been a customer at multiple daycares; for four years while I was a working mom, thank you! I do see things from their perspectives. If I were in this mother's shoes, I would make it clear to my son WHY he is leaving his current provider and going elsewhere. I would try to make it a positive experience and get him excited about the new place, though. But not by lying to them and saying it's a special school

That's what makes sucessful businesses - the ability to empathize and see both sides of situations. Obviously the OP and the rest of you aren't thinking of how the family feels. It would have been fine if the family had been termed but since they are happy going elsewhere, that makes them disrespectful?

I never said they were being disrespectful. But she is being a little hurtful and unappreciative

Can't have it both ways. I have plenty of childcare experience, thank you, so I will continue to comment. I still say she should make it a positive transition experience.

I am making it a positive experience. I have continued to provide the same care, the same loving environment that they received on their very first day

And no, I don't think it's normal for her to feel bad, especially after her ongoing threads about this child and how she was going to term him.

Can you understand that it's NOT just HIM?? It's also his two siblings. And I LOVE all three of them despite what has happened. I was holding off terming him in hopes that the parents would start to take his behavior more seriously than just talking to him at home about it. But to no avail. It was after my ultimadum that they gave notice. They chose to go elsewhere instead of dealing with the problem at hand. I do have feelings, and can't help it that I'm hurt and upset by that.

Almost no one seems to see that side and yet the family is still wrong - you all would have sided with this provider regardless of whether the family quit or she termed them. Customer service training anyone?

Please refer to the above responses.

[sharlan]

I readily understand both sides of this coin. I've BTDT.

I quit on more daycare providers than I can count and I only worked 5 years. I never gave a single one notice, walked out the door and didn't bring my kids back. (No contracts in those days and all justified leavings.)

Most of the parents that I termed, I gave them notice that things weren't working out and they needed to make other arrangements. I only had a couple quit on me. Most of my kids grew up and no longer needed care or had older siblings to start caring for them after school, moved, etc.

IMHO, this provider feels that she gave so much to this family and the mother is repaying her by telling the kids that they are going to get to go somewhere special now. As if, where they are at now is not special. Her feelings are hurt, I understand that.

I also understand that the mom is doing what it takes to make the transition smoother for her and the kids. The problem child isn't going to get the message because in his eyes, he does nothing wrong.