Daycare Family is Leaving, I'm So Relieved, But WHY Do I Feel So Sad and Hurt??

[Lilbutterflie]

For those that haven't followed my posts, my defiannt, violent-towards-animals and now violent-towards-my-son daycare boy and his family gave me notice last week and next week they will be going to a large daycare center.

When it happened, I was so relieved. She just beat me to it really, I had already drafted the two week notice I was going to give her 3 days later.

DCM has explained to the kids they are now going to a special place, a school. They are so excited to go to this special place, and talk about it multiple times a day. I've explained that this means they won't be coming to me anymore, they just say "Yup, cuz we are going to the special place!"

They have no sadness or emotion except excitement when it comes to leaving my daycare. Why does this make me feel so SAD and hurt? I know they are just kids, but at ages 4 and 5 I think they do understand they probably will not see me again for a very long time. Regardless of recent events, I love these children and I feel as if I have invested so much of myself in them the last year they've been with me.

And I'm a little upset that DCM has sugar-coated everything for defiant DCB. I think he should know that the reason he is leaving my care is b/c he can't keep himself from causing harm to my animals or my son.

Oh well, thanks for listening to my vent. I know that better things are on the horizon. I know that I now have the chance to have well behaved daycare kids. But then the other part of me says that I have failed with this family and maybe a part of defiant DCB's behavior is b/c of me.

[SimpleMom]

It's always hard to lose a family when you've invested time in them and/or get close to them. Most 4 and 5 yr olds are so tired of daycare ( not the provider). They are probably just excited to go to "school" .

Every time I have a family leave that I've had for years, my heart just breaks. I miss the kids a lot,

Hope you are feeling better soon!!

[Cat Herder]

Sorry hun. Unfortunately this is the norm and should emphasize to you why alot of us tell everyone to just let go of a continuously problematic family.

The parents who are like this are never going to see you in the same light as you see their children.

We are 100% replaceable so they have to be in our minds as well.

Sorry you got hurt. Glad your stress is about to be cut in half!!

Focus on the positives... What cool things can you do with your group, once they are gone, that would have been impossible before??

[sharlan]

The mom is doing what she has to do to make things easier on her and the kids. She's making the transition easier by telling the kids that they get to go somewhere special. That's also telling them that your home is not special.

I understand why it's hurting your feelings, and I'm sorry that it does, but she's made it obvious that your feelings don't matter.

I had to term a family in the middle of the day, years ago. I called the mom at work and told her to come home NOW and get her kid. (Long story.) There's rarely a day that goes by that I don't think of those kids. I really loved the mom and the kids and I still miss them.

[jen]

I can relate...

I had one little boy for years. When his mom got remarried they moved quite some distance, so I no longer had the child. During the last few weeks of care, he was SO excited to be going to his new school. After a couple of week at his new school, Mom called to see if he could do a drop in day...he missed me and his friends so much it was all he could talk about.

Kids don't really understand or can't predict how they will feel an hour from now, much less weeks. Just do everything you can to support his excitement for the "special" place...knowing full well, that once the novelty wears off, he will remember how much love and care you showed to him.

Hugs!

[PitterPatter]

By telling the kids they are going to a "special place" I feel is her way of lashing out with her bitterness! To me it's her way of saying u aren't special, and I'm thinking that's just how it's making u feel. Don't let her get to u! U are a great provider otherwise u wouldn't be here for advise and support. U wouldn't have tolerated so much.

I am sad for u that the kids don't show more emotion. I bet the Mom has this new place so hyped up in their minds that it's all they can think of. Trust me when they get there they will be let down and be missing u!! A large center can't give as much love and support as a daycare home!

Just remind yourself the fun they had with u and that is all u need are those memories because those are FACT! Their future there is probably fiction. "special place" pffft! Translastion, where bad issues are overlooked and the abuser is given a new chance without being addressed or corrected.

[wdmmom]

I had a sibling group that left me earlier this spring. The mom found someone in their apartment complex to watch them for way less than what she was paying me.

For a solid 3 weeks, the oldest boy kept talking about going to the neighbors house to play and "she's gonna be my new daycare". What this poor kid didn't realize was that she's no daycare provider at all...she's a babysitter that doesn't watch any other kids, probably doesn't have the toy selection, doesn't have a yard to play in and the only kid he's going to have to play with is his brother (which they are 3 years apart and don't get along).

In the end, we are all replaceable. Any change is talked up and sugar coated to make it sound like a treat.

My stress level went WAYYYYYY down after they left. Consider it a blessing in disguise and start advertising. There are some super great kids and super great families out there.

[nannyde]

You are looking at this thru the eyes of someone who wants the Mom to recognize that her kid is messed up and have some darn appreciation for the blood, sweat, and tears you have been thru to deal with that day to day.

You want the kid to understand that he CAN'T stay there because of his behavior and show some inkling that he connects the two. A little dash of kid remorse would be nice too because it would make you feel like he was connecting the dots of his bad behavior and the wrongness of the bad behavior.

You can't have any of that.

Families like this want SOME time in their life where they live off of new, special, and hope. Right now you are seeing the Mom planting her flag in the hope soil.

See this time where they get to be excited and hopeful is the BEST their family can have. It's a time where special just comes with words and a downpayment. The special isn't something she has EARNED ... it's something that comes with the IDEA of something new.

Within a few days the kid will go native at the new place and start rocking their world. She will first get a few nods at pick up and hedged words that say he had a "little" difficulty but tomorrow will be better. She'll take that because that is a building block of her hope high.

By the end of the week they will know what they have. By that time someone will get hurt and staff will start complaining hard.

That day she's back to square one as she was the day you told her he can't hit your dog.

So honestly... she's got like a week of hope and excitement.

Let her have it.

She needs the life experience to know that she only gets a few days and the days she does get are days based on her words not on anything REAL and lasting.

This reminds me of watching the 16 and pregnant show. The part of the show before the baby is born and the Mom's are all like LOVING the baby daddy and talking about how awesome they are going to be as Dad's until the day they get home from the hospital.

Many of the Dad's don't even make it the FIRST NIGHT before they bolt. By the end of the first week home the teen mom hasn't had a night of rest and excellent baby daddy is running game with his friends and telling her how tired he is and how he needs HIS sleep.

A few months down the line the Daddy isn't around at all.

So the new teen mom gets that few months before the baby is born to live in the words of the fantasy of the "family" she has created. It's based on only words but it is a VERY special time for her. It's most often the BEST part of her "family" life with the baby daddy.

It's the only time it's good.

So let them have the only time it's good and be done with them.

Just see it for what it is and move on.

[Unregistered]

can't have it both ways

I have read all of your threads about this boy. I'm actually shocked by your reaction. You wanted them to leave! And now you feel bad since they are excited about going to a new daycare and that they quit rather than your being able to term them?! You can't have it both ways and shouldn't be seeking sympathy here after everything you've said about this boy. You were going to term them anyway and considered doing so a long time ago and the family probably sensed that, so they should have put in notice and went somewhere else rather than waiting for you to term them. It's very difficult for families to get into any daycare in our area after a provider terms them. Did you ever consider that in your decision? It doesn't seem that you spoke with the mother to give her the choice of quitting rather than getting termed, which I think is very low of you by the way and unprofessional - you should have been direct and upfront about your intentions with the family. Even businesses give their employees the option of quitting rather than being fired. I think you only feel bad because they quit and you don't have the "aha" justification of a termination to make yourself feel better about it. Now, if this family chooses, they can spread their opinions about your level of care and your not being able to rein the child in rather than you spreading around on this forum on how you termed them. (If that's their opinion about you.) Not all providers are a good fit for each child, plain and simple. You should consider how that family feels as well. It's never easy for families to start new daycares after being with a provider for a lengthy time, so of course the family is going to make this a positive experience. Did you really want them to sulk and cry and beg to be able to stay and say they don't want to go to the new daycare? Would that have made you feel better? Pretty sick if that's what you wanted. Be professional and take the high road and help them make this is a positive, easy transition.

[Unregistered]

I hope you're wrong

You are looking at this thru the eyes of someone who wants the Mom to recognize that her kid is messed up and have some darn appreciation for the blood, sweat, and tears you have been thru to deal with that day to day.

You want the kid to understand that he CAN'T stay there because of his behavior and show some inkling that he connects the two. A little dash of kid remorse would be nice too because it would make you feel like he was connecting the dots of his bad behavior and the wrongness of the bad behavior.

You can't have any of that.

Families like this want SOME time in their life where they live off of new, special, and hope. Right now you are seeing the Mom planting her flag in the hope soil.

See this time where they get to be excited and hopeful is the BEST their family can have. It's a time where special just comes with words and a downpayment. The special isn't something she has EARNED ... it's something that comes with the IDEA of something new.

Within a few days the kid will go native at the new place and start rocking their world. She will first get a few nods at pick up and hedged words that say he had a "little" difficulty but tomorrow will be better. She'll take that because that is a building block of her hope high.

By the end of the week they will know what they have. By that time someone will get hurt and staff will start complaining hard.

That day she's back to square one as she was the day you told her he can't hit your dog.

So honestly... she's got like a week of hope and excitement.

Let her have it.

She needs the life experience to know that she only gets a few days and the days she does get are days based on her words not on anything REAL and lasting.

This reminds me of watching the 16 and pregnant show. The part of the show before the baby is born and the Mom's are all like LOVING the baby daddy and talking about how awesome they are going to be as Dad's until the day they get home from the hospital.

Many of the Dad's don't even make it the FIRST NIGHT before they bolt. By the end of the first week home the teen mom hasn't had a night of rest and excellent baby daddy is running game with his friends and telling her how tired he is and how he needs HIS sleep.

A few months down the line the Daddy isn't around at all.

So the new teen mom gets that few months before the baby is born to live in the words of the fantasy of the "family" she has created. It's based on only words but it is a VERY special time for her. It's most often the BEST part of her "family" life with the baby daddy.

It's the only time it's good.

So let them have the only time it's good and be done with them.

Just see it for what it is and move on.

I hope that you're wrong and that this child does well in the new setting. After all, providers should only wish the best for their present and past families. Just because her daycare didn't work out for this family doesn't mean that he's a bad child.

[daycare]

I have read all of your threads about this boy. I'm actually shocked by your reaction. You wanted them to leave! And now you feel bad since they are excited about going to a new daycare and that they quit rather than your being able to term them?! You can't have it both ways and shouldn't be seeking sympathy here after everything you've said about this boy. You were going to term them anyway and considered doing so a long time ago and the family probably sensed that, so they should have put in notice and went somewhere else rather than waiting for you to term them. It's very difficult for families to get into any daycare in our area after a provider terms them. Did you ever consider that in your decision? It doesn't seem that you spoke with the mother to give her the choice of quitting rather than getting termed, which I think is very low of you by the way and unprofessional - you should have been direct and upfront about your intentions with the family. Even businesses give their employees the option of quitting rather than being fired. I think you only feel bad because they quit and you don't have the "aha" justification of a termination to make yourself feel better about it. Now, if this family chooses, they can spread their opinions about your level of care and your not being able to rein the child in rather than you spreading around on this forum on how you termed them. (If that's their opinion about you.) Not all providers are a good fit for each child, plain and simple. You should consider how that family feels as well. It's never easy for families to start new daycares after being with a provider for a lengthy time, so of course the family is going to make this a positive experience. Did you really want them to sulk and cry and beg to be able to stay and say they don't want to go to the new daycare? Would that have made you feel better? Pretty sick if that's what you wanted. Be professional and take the high road and help them make this is a positive, easy transition.

I get what you are saying and all, but it still hurts. i have been there. Very similar situation and I felt horrible that the parents made me feel so little after all the love, care and support that I provided.

She is even questioning why she feels this way, she knows that she shouldn't feel this way, but it's a natural feeling when someone puts you down. It's like a kick to the face almost.

BTW...just a question have you ever done child care in a home and had to deal with a child with behavior issues like the ones she has posted about this child?

[nannyde]

I hope that you're wrong and that this child does well in the new setting. After all, providers should only wish the best for their present and past families. Just because her daycare didn't work out for this family doesn't mean that he's a bad child.

Oh he won't. NOT possible.

There's nothing a brick and mortar building, large group of kids, and low paid overworked staff are going to do but make him worse. He needs his own adult and he's not safe around children.

It's not about wishing the best... it's about believing a child's behavior when you see it.

[laundrymom]

I feel a little differently than most I guess. I go into the whole child care arrangement with the thought that,.. I am teaching them not to need me, Thats my job. This family no longer needs the environment you provide. They need a more behavior lenient, less supervision, and not as appropriate demanding behavior type place. They need a center, Where they will be a number, not a member.


Im sure out there somewhere there is a center that devotes as much time into their charges as a family care environment. Ive not seen one, but Im sure there is one somewhere.

Home care is not for everyone. Kids are raised in centers every year who grow into caring loving adults. Centers arent "bad", or "worse" than homes,.. just dramatically different.

Please remember that even though you wont be outwardly missed by the child, part of you will always be with them. The was they see you interact with others, the way you fix their eggs, the way you burp a baby. These types of things they will carry with them and as part of that they will carry part of you. That is what you hold on to. Knowing that you gave YOUR best, thats all you can do. And,..

I promise, when Mom sees her precious darling treated as a precious number instead of the amazing soul they are,.. she will miss you. She may never utter the words even to herself, but she will see that there is a difference in supervision, and truly caring for someone. She will miss you. hugs, love and move on vibes to you. Im on my 23 year and I miss every one of them,... but I rest in knowing that every day they got the best I could give. I loved them, comforted them, disciplined them, and let them go. sending Love,.....

[Unregistered]

yes

I get what you are saying and all, but it still hurts. i have been there. Very similar situation and I felt horrible that the parents made me feel so little after all the love, care and support that I provided.

She is even questioning why she feels this way, she knows that she shouldn't feel this way, but it's a natural feeling when someone puts you down. It's like a kick to the face almost.

BTW...just a question have you ever done child care in a home and had to deal with a child with behavior issues like the ones she has posted about this child?

Not paid, but regularly do home child care (i.e. babysitting for friends kids in evenings ans weekends), but I have lots of close friends and close relatives who do paid home child care currently or did in recent past. I can understand your point of feeling so little, but I'll bet that the family feels the same way, especially after how hard they've also worked to make the arrangement work - and especially after they get termed. In this case, I'll bet this family feels the same way, put down - I'm sure there were things said between the provider and this family that the family didn't like - no one likes hearing all negative about their own child. I still say it's best when things don't work out, to be professional and just take the high road and don't burn bridges in the provider/child/parents relationship.

[nannyde]

Not paid, but regularly do home child care (i.e. babysitting for friends kids in evenings ans weekends), but I have lots of close friends and close relatives who do paid home child care currently or did in recent past. I can understand your point of feeling so little, but I'll bet that the family feels the same way, especially after how hard they've also worked to make the arrangement work - and especially after they get termed. In this case, I'll bet this family feels the same way, put down - I'm sure there were things said between the provider and this family that the family didn't like - no one likes hearing all negative about their own child. I still say it's best when things don't work out, to be professional and just take the high road and don't burn bridges in the provider/child/parents relationship.

hmmmmmm

This part I don't see: no one likes hearing all negative about their own child.

I think it's pretty rare for home providers to tell all negative. In fact, I think the majority of the problem is NOT telling ENOUGH negative along the way because everybody knows that once you start putting your foot down about the behavior they do what THIS family did and just move on.

Providers DON'T tell the whole truth because they want the money. When they DO tell part of the truth it's hedged safely within compliments and "you know he's a sweetie and so smart".

When the parent walks away they only think about the "she thinks he's gifted too".

Not until the behavior threatens something near and dear to the provider does the truth start rearing it's ugly head. Once the providers OWN kid or OWN dog or OWN property is threatened... THEN the parent gets the "negative" in truth syrup.