No Judgement Please, Just Advice/Thoughts

[Blackcat31]

I am a director of a large non profit childcare in a prominent community based organization in a at. I have been an Early Chilhood educator my entire professional life now for 30 years. I am a mom also. In my private life, I began dating a man (having not dated in over 17 years so I could concentrate on raising my daughter and my professional development) who was going through a divorce and accusations from adoptive daughter which ultimately led to 1 count felony of solicitations a minor and misdemeanor of corrupting a minor. I have read the police report. Currently, he resides in another town but we had purchased a home together last year which I have been residing in. My question is if he moves in, is this a reason my work can fire me over? Why would my personal life be works business? What if I believe in my gut that these charges against him are not all that they seem? How do I overcome people's fears/stigmas/dis crediting my credibility?

No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.

He did 3 months and is on probation for 5 years. He is accused of showing her how to masterbate with shower head. At 8 she asked about why shower head on massage and he told her that it's used to spray on parts of body and makes it feel good. Weeks later she came to him and asked if ok cause it felt good down there and he, rather than referring her to go tomorrow, said well if it feels good then it's ok. It bit him in the butt when she was 15 and wife and he going through marital issues with his Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. He can appeal and his current lawyer says it could most likely be appealed but it's a money ($$$$$)issue now and it is very hard, once convicted to turn it around.

First off, you work in a center.

Your personal/private life is exactly that. Personal and private. (I'm having a hard time understanding why you are even telling anyone this info....)

How you conduct your job (as long as you are not breaking the law) you have every right to feel as safe/secure in your position as anyone else.

Unless your job or employer has specific policies in regards to what you do or don't do in your private life (including the people you live/socialize with) I would not worry about any of this effecting your job.

I would not allow your significant other to be present on the child care property simply because it's not really necessary and because you know that he may be legally barred from doing so but honestly I see no reason why he would even need to be so to me it's a moot point.

I know a ton of people with a shady past or that have partners/spouses/significant others that aren't fine upstanding citizen's but none of that affects their job performance or position (unless outlined by a specific employer law or policy).

[NightOwl]

This is true, but it is, unfortunately, slightly different for us. Is that fair? Maybe not. But that's just how it is. Her personal/private life IS personal/private, but his conviction is public record. That's my concern. She doesn't have to tell anybody about his conviction, but anyone could find out about it in a 2 minute public records search on google. And then she would probably be ruined.

[NightOwl]

And to op, YOU are taking the risk here, not him. By being with him, you are risking your career, you're livelihood, everything you've worked for. So if this all hits the fan at some point, and it likely will, you can only blame yourself.

You're personal life is none of anyone's business, but you know how people are. If someone finds out, it'll spread like wild fire.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.

I believe it. Reactive attachment disorder is a scary thing and why many of us adoptive moms keep journals on what is happening in case we ever have to go to court (although, mine doesn't have RAD...just regular attachment, trauma, and mental issues). Any who, I believe you.

This wouldn't effect your job in any way.

[Play Care]

And to op, YOU are taking the risk here, not him. By being with him, you are risking your career, you're livelihood, everything you've worked for. So if this all hits the fan at some point, and it likely will, you can only blame yourself.

You're personal life is none of anyone's business, but you know how people are. If someone finds out, it'll spread like wild fire.

This. I can see a vindictive ex spouse happening to make a phone call to OP's workplace because she's sooooo concerned

It could be a stretch and maybe no one will ever find out, but isn't most of our job preparing for and trying to head off any potential liability?

[Thriftylady]

No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.

While I feel there is a 50/50 shot he did nothing wrong I can't get over what he says he told her. I can't imagine telling a child that a shower head is for making body parts feel good. No, I don't know the context and it is just me. I also have an experience with something like this that makes me err on the side of caution. My ex SIL divorce her husband to marry a man who was in the minimum correction facility that she was in charge of housekeeping for. He was in for child molestation. She believed he was falsly accused and even had her children convinced. They ranged from 12 or so to 16ish at the time. Why they were brought into the conversation I don't know. She married him, and later found out he was doing things to her youngest (the girl). So much for being falsely accused. I really felt like she took a huge risk bringing him into her house, and it was partially her fault.

So maybe he didn't do anything wrong, but no way would I take the chance he was lying to me. I still can't get over the "we bought a house together and aren't living together". That would also make me feel like he had something to hide.

No, it shouldn't affect your job at all, but we all know that things that shouldn't happen do every day. After all, that is how he got into this situation regardless of what happened, something rather it be a lie, or he really did something, happened that shouldn't have. All it would take is one person who wanted to cause drama for you to have an issue. Is that right? Nope! But could it happen? It could.

[MunchkinWrangler]

While I feel there is a 50/50 shot he did nothing wrong I can't get over what he says he told her. I can't imagine telling a child that a shower head is for making body parts feel good. No, I don't know the context and it is just me. I also have an experience with something like this that makes me err on the side of caution. My ex SIL divorce her husband to marry a man who was in the minimum correction facility that she was in charge of housekeeping for. He was in for child molestation. She believed he was falsly accused and even had her children convinced. They ranged from 12 or so to 16ish at the time. Why they were brought into the conversation I don't know. She married him, and later found out he was doing things to her youngest (the girl). So much for being falsely accused. I really felt like she took a huge risk bringing him into her house, and it was partially her fault.

So maybe he didn't do anything wrong, but no way would I take the chance he was lying to me. I still can't get over the "we bought a house together and aren't living together". That would also make me feel like he had something to hide.

No, it shouldn't affect your job at all, but we all know that things that shouldn't happen do every day. After all, that is how he got into this situation regardless of what happened, something rather it be a lie, or he really did something, happened that shouldn't have. All it would take is one person who wanted to cause drama for you to have an issue. Is that right? Nope! But could it happen? It could.

Absolutely! And he was convicted and served time, so how is he innocent? He was proven guilty in a court of law. I understand there are people who are wrongly convicted but it does not happen all the time. Where there's smoke there's fire.

[Silly Songs]

Maybe the issue with the job situation is that it is a non profit. Perhaps she signed something prior to employment stating she has no relationship with anyone with a criminal background. I don't know, I'm just pointing out possibilities.

[Thriftylady]

Maybe the issue with the job situation is that it is a non profit. Perhaps she signed something prior to employment stating she has no relationship with anyone with a criminal background. I don't know, I'm just pointing out possibilities.

Well I know some jobs have a clause like that. I know a gal who is an accountant and the company she works at does government contracts with whatever they make or whatever. So she has a clause like that. I wouldn't think a center would, but I guess the center can make whatever rule they wanted.

[NightOwl]

Did we scare her off? I don't think anyone said anything ugly, just honest opinions. And she never explained the whole buying a house but not living together thing, did she?

[LysesKids]

Did we scare her off? I don't think anyone said anything ugly, just honest opinions. And she never explained the whole buying a house but not living together thing, did she?

Nope, she never explained it, but I'm thinking The fact a lot of us were saying it wasn't the ideal situation especially since he was convicted sort of didn't sit well with her. I know he wouldn't be around me for any reason... maybe she was hoping to get different answers than what she did.

[Thriftylady]

Nope, she never explained it, but I'm thinking The fact a lot of us were saying it wasn't the ideal situation especially since he was convicted sort of didn't sit well with her. I know he wouldn't be around me for any reason... maybe she was hoping to get different answers than what she did.

This is probably the case. Sometimes people don't really want to hear honest opinions, especially if they fear they may be true. I hope the best for the OP, but I would be running far and fast.

[NightOwl]

Yeah I guess she was looking for validation that she didn't get.

[lovemykidstoo]

Maybe someone messing with us? Only 3 posts all ofwhich are in this thread.

[MunchkinWrangler]

I started thinking troll, simply because some of the story just didn't add up or make sense. Buying a house together that only OP is living in? Wanting to appeal even though the sentence has already been carried out, which would be an expungement not an appeal, in which case any sexual offense can't be anyway.... anyhoo