Tweet
No Judgement Please, Just Advice/Thoughts
I am a director of a large non profit childcare in a prominent community based organization in a at. I have been an Early Chilhood educator my entire professional life now for 30 years. I am a mom also. In my private life, I began dating a man (having not dated in over 17 years so I could concentrate on raising my daughter and my professional development) who was going through a divorce and accusations from adoptive daughter which ultimately led to 1 count felony of solicitations a minor and misdemeanor of corrupting a minor. I have read the police report. Currently, he resides in another town but we had purchased a home together last year which I have been residing in. My question is if he moves in, is this a reason my work can fire me over? Why would my personal life be works business? What if I believe in my gut that these charges against him are not all that they seem? How do I overcome people's fears/stigmas/dis crediting my credibility?
-
-
First, is this common knowledge about his conviction? Who knows about it already? If it gets out, I'm afraid your credibility could be seriously damaged. I believe the law in most states would prohibit him from being present in your center, but there's nothing illegal about him being part of your life. That's no one's business, but like I said, it could be quite damaging to your reputation if it became common knowledge.
That would be totally different if you were home based. You wouldn't be given a license. But you work in a center away from your home, so that's not an issue here. -
I don't see how it would affect you being able to work in a center. As PP stated, it would affect you being able to do childcare in the home he lived in. However, it could cause people to judge you. Right or wrong, people think they know everything. I am one who understands that there are different degrees of being on the sexual predator list. There are people on there who were 18 and were with a 16 yr old girlfriend and end up on the list. So that isn't as big of a deal as raping a child. I guess my question to you is did he plead guilty? If he did that would make me not want to be near him. But then again, I am not you, and I am not in the situation.Comment
-
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.Comment
-
My first thought was "does his daughter have Reactive Attachment Disorder?". Those kinds of accusations are classic with them, and used maliciously against parents to try to get their way. If the child has a psychological diagnosis like that, getting that conviction vacated could happen if he found a good psychiatrist who is familiar with RAD. These kids can destroy families-they don't want to bond with anyone because they're trying to protect themselves, and destroy their own lives and those who love them, too.Comment
-
He did 3 months and is on probation for 5 years. He is accused of showing her how to masterbate with shower head. At 8 she asked about why shower head on massage and he told her that it's used to spray on parts of body and makes it feel good. Weeks later she came to him and asked if ok cause it felt good down there and he, rather than referring her to go tomorrow, said well if it feels good then it's ok. It bit him in the butt when she was 15 and wife and he going through marital issues with his Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. He can appeal and his current lawyer says it could most likely be appealed but it's a money ($$$$$)issue now and it is very hard, once convicted to turn it around.Comment
-
When you say "showing her how to masterbute" what do you mean exactly. That would mean alot. I mean if he actually showed her how, then I would run fast seriously. Even telling her is a little different I think and I'm sorry to say that but that's kinda a question that you may want to say that it makes sore muscles feel better or something. When is his probation up? So this was recent if his probation is 5 years and it's still ongoing.Comment
-
Why would anyone tell an 8 year old that a shower head is used to spray on certain body parts to make it feel good?! I just told my 6 year old that a handheld shower head is for washing your hair...which it is...why on earth would I say anything different?
I know you didn't want judgement but are you serious with this? Has he been put on a sex offenders list? If he was then I would not have anything to do with this relationship seeing as I have a career in childcare. The ramifications could be dire for you.Comment
-
I would have some issue with what he told her also. Maybe he didn't mean it that way, but it is sure how it sounds. I am not trying to judge you, but I would always wonder, and that would make me run. All I can do is tell you what I would do. My other question is why did you buy a house together a year ago and didn't move in together? I personally think if I am going to commit to buying a house with someone, it would be to live in that house with them. I darn sure wouldn't be waiting around for a year to that to happen. But that is just me.Comment
-
Why would someone tell a 6-year-old that?! I'm sorry but run for the hills. A shower head isn't intended for that use, so why would a man tell a 6-year-old girl those things? Even if nothing happened, I would be really uncomfortable. That's not even taking into account that this could possibly come back to me and reflect badly on my own character. Maybe you really like this guy, but I don't think the risk is worth it.Comment
-
Admittedly I'm usually one to give the benefit of the doubt, as I am all too familiar with the failings of our justice system.
But...
I do think it will refelect badly on your character. Could they fire you for that? Maybe not, but they can let you go and use other reasons. I would be prepared for that.
And no judgment, but do you really think telling a young child using a shower head to make body parts feel good is okay? Ask yourself, would that be something you would be perfectly fine with another adult telling your child or grandchild?
Has he mentioned context?
It seems odd that he would purchase a house with you while saying he's saving money to mount an appeal.
I've known people in my life who are very good at saying what they think you want to hear, and it's only after a long while do you realize that things don't quite add up. I hope that's not the case here.Comment
-
In your position, you should be weary of men and anyone with a history of abusing children, especially since he was convicted and on probation. Sexual offenders like this prey on this profession. I would be weary. He could very well be with you because of what you do for a living. I would never be interested in someone with a history like this, because I have my own child. And I really don't care if it's 'misunderstood', the truth of the matter is you'll never know what really happened. Never. No man is worth it. I don't care who they are. Period. I'm sorry but to ask for no judgement coming from people who's primary job is to protect the children in their care is asking a lot. What do you think we'll say?Comment
If he plead guilty, I would think that would be significantly more ammo for others to judge you with.
Comment