Assistant with Nursing Toddler

[Elko]

Hi! I'm new, obviously. I don't know where I should be posting this, but since I'm distracted by my almost-two-year-old I just went with the one that seemed best.

I am an assistant at a small home daycare. The owner just opened in April, and has 3 toddlers and a 3 month old. I also bring my daughter with me as that was part of the agreement with my employment.

I made sure to be very clear when I started that I'm still nursing her and probably would be for a while, at least for naps and once in a while if she really needed a moment of comfort.

I know it's complicated; I know if she just went to daycare the providers would be able to get her to sleep but it would take a few minutes of rubbing her back or something.

The owner recently seems to have lost the ability to hold back her disdain for my parenting. You may not believe me, but my nursing her to sleep has definitely caused no more inconvenience to her than any of the other kids have.

She's been obsessing over nap time, claiming she wants to get all the kids to be able to go to sleep on their own so she doesn't have to spend any time on them, but she still spends a few minutes on each kid to get them settled or asleep. It works, and doesn't take long, so it became clear that she was angry that I still nurse mine to sleep. Eventually talking about streamlining naptime turned into her arguing with me over how and why I'm doing things this way; how breastfeeding isn't beneficial, how I'm giving all control to my toddler... etc...

I've been doing everything how she wants, and trying to save my daughter until the rest are down so I can go spend a few minutes (rarely any more than the other kids get) but she's turned so many things around on us that I'm starting to feel like a crazy person.

I guess I don't know what my question is, except maybe to ask if any of you have dealt with this exact, specific situation? Or if you have any advice on what to do? I've basically ended up telling her to quit with the parenting advice and just let me know if it's not going to work out with us. It still never ends though.

I'm not certified or going to school for my CDA or anything, so I don't seem to be qualified to work in another daycare setting. (She just heard through a mutual friend that I was desperate for work and she needed someone she could pay less than minimum wage to help her with her new business. Long story...)

I'll stop now, and let me know if I'm the unreasonable one or if there's an easy way I can address or fix this without just leaving her in the bedroom to CIO to appease my boss :/

Thanks for reading!

[KidGrind]

As your employer I would’ve never agreed to your nursing outside of your breaks. I also would take issue with your nursing your child to put her to sleep at my business.

Now with that written, she agreed to it. So she holds a lot of responsibility in this situation. If nursing is the only way you’ve allowed your toddler to fall asleep, I’d quit. The owner has stated how she feels about the situation. Either you adjust to her request, quit, get fired or listen to her gripe.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

This is ridiculous. Your parenting is not effecting the child care at all and she DOES need to mind her own business. ESPECIALLY since it is not effecting the work that you agreed to do.

I would either ignore or say, "Please stop." to her ignorant comments about it not being beneficial. What an idiot. :hug:

Where do you live? Are you SURE you cannot work in another daycare setting? Here, in the south, people do with high school degrees.

[cheerfuldom]

I would bet that you can work in another daycare setting provided you have no criminal background, have a high school diploma and transportation. Daycare is generally very easy to get involved in. I would start looking for another job. I would bet this situation with the provider is about more than the breastfeeding but this is the issue the owner is nitpicking on. She is probably regretting allowing you to bring your child to work IMO. Anyway, you either look for something else or deal with it. I would imagine you could find something as a nanny with another family.

[Blackcat31]

I think it was probably easy for the provider to SAY something (you + your DD) was okay but now is realizing she is not okay with it and is being passive-aggressive about it.

Whether her true issue is your extended breastfeeding, your focus on your dd or your parenting style all together, I don't know but it's clear she does have an issue.

Have you attempted at all to have a heart to heart sit down talk with her? Has she just acted funny towards you or is she outright verbalizing her unhappiness?

Honestly, if I were you I would consider applying at other places. To be a helper or assistant in most daycares there really isn't a lot of requirements such other than being 18 and having a willingness to work.

On that note, I am not positive but I am thinking that she can't legally pay you less than minimum wage. Even as a helper/assistant, she must pay you as her employee....which means tax/social security with holdings and workman's comp coverage. If she is not doing that, then the situation may not even be legal.

What state are you in?

[Kabob]

I nursed my son until he was 2 years old. That said, he learned to go to sleep on his own so that sleep wasn't stressful for him if I couldn't be there to help him sleep. I didn't want him to be miserable if I wasn't there for nap or bedtime. Plus I didn't want to feel like a human pacifier...he was a very clingy baby!

However, if I were your employer, I would keep this opinion to myself and just focus on job performance. If your nursing were affecting your performance, I would work together to find a solution that works for the job as your boss knew you'd be nursing on the job when you were hired. Would I have agreed to this? On unpaid breaks, sure, if your child wasn't disrupting the routine as that would disrupt my business.

Here, most businesses are required to allow unpaid breaks to pump breastmilk in private...although I do believe small businesses are exempt from this if it causes undue hardship on daily activities. It would be a problem for me if it was a distraction to the needs of the other children, for instance.

Not trying to sound harsh, but just trying to look at a different angle.

So, maybe you could talk to your boss and point out that you noticed she's uncomfortable with you nursing and would like to find a solution that allows you to continue nursing and her to run her business.

Maybe suggest taking an unpaid break to do this. Maybe it is time to set up your child with a daycare routine and keep nursing to home only. Maybe nurse before nap and then start her on her nap routine (i.e., potty break/diaper change, story, hug/kiss, tuck in).

Be prepared to find another job in case this doesn't work. Maybe you could be a nanny or assistant elsewhere.

This is a tricky situation but hopefully you can find a solution that works for everyone! :hug:

[midaycare]

I agree with a pp that stated the issue may not be the breast feeding, but the fact that your child is attending. If you are getting free or reduced rates for his attendance, that may be the issue.

To say breast feeding isn't beneficial is ridiculous. But to play devil's advocate, I also don't know if this is affecting your work performance. Maybe it is more of an issue than you think?

In any case :hug: and I'm sorry you are going through this:

[Cat Herder]

I'm distracted by my almost-two-year-old

I am an assistant at a small home daycare.

3 toddlers and a 3 month old. I also bring my daughter with me

I'm still nursing her for a while

for naps

a moment of comfort.

I know it's complicated

my nursing her to sleep has definitely caused no more inconvenience to her (my employer) than any of the other kids have.

claiming she wants to get all the kids to be able to go to sleep on their own

she still spends a few minutes on each kid to get them settled or asleep.

it became clear that she was angry that I still nurse mine to sleep.

talking about streamlining naptime

I've been doing everything how she wants, and trying to save my daughter until the rest are down so I can go spend a few minutes (rarely any more than the other kids get)

let me know if it's not going to work out with us

I'm not certified or going to school for my CDA or anything, so I don't seem to be qualified to work in another daycare setting.

I was desperate for work

let me know if I'm the unreasonable one

if there's an easy way I can address or fix this without just leaving her in the bedroom to CIO to appease my boss :/

Thanks for reading!

I think you are being unreasonable. I don't think this is going to work out.

The easy way to address this is to:

1. find childcare for your child while you are working

2. follow the childcare programs routines while you are working.

3. open your own childcare program that suits your parenting and financial needs

Sorry, being a parent is hard. Being an employee is work. :hug: You are not entitled to do "my child" while on the clock in someone elses business. I don't mean to sound harsh, I am just calling as I know it to be. I opened my own childcare program to meet my needs and wants, too..... Naptime is when I work the hardest. Cleaning, planning, organizing, emailing, etc.... Having an assistant disappearing during that time everyday would not be beneficial and I would resent the ____ out of it. It is one thing if I was supporting her nursing for nutrition, but for comfort... nope. I would not host that on your dollar.

This whole forum can help you get up and going if you want to open one, though.

[Play Care]

I think you are being unreasonable. I don't think this is going to work out.

The easy way to address this is to:

1. find childcare for your child while you are working

2. follow the childcare programs routines while you are working.

3. open your own childcare program that suits your parenting and financial needs

Sorry, being a parent is hard. Being an employee is work. :hug: You are not entitled to do "my child" while on the clock in someone elses business. I don't mean to sound harsh, I am just calling as I know it to be. I opened my own childcare program to meet my needs and wants, too..... Naptime is when I work the hardest. Cleaning, planning, organizing, emailing, etc.... Having an assistant disappearing during that time everyday would not be beneficial and I would resent the ____ out of it. It is one thing if I was supporting her nursing for nutrition, but for comfort... nope. I would not host that on your dollar.

This whole forum can help you get up and going if you want to open one, though.

I agree the boss probably said yes when it was initially presented because the prospective employee made it seem as though it wasnt going to be a big deal. Clearly that's not the case.

I imagine that if my assistant was off comfort nursing her child while I was busily trying to get *everyone* else to sleep after a long morning, I'd be pretty grumpy too. and I'd be even more annoyed if that employee was accusing me of not wanting to take time with the kiddos while she was off with just her child
I completely agree with Cat Herder's suggestions.

[CraftyMom]

I agree that there is another issue besides the breastfeeding. I think the whole situation may not be working. It is quite likely that you spend more time on your own child than you realize. You are there to be an assistant in a daycare. It is not your employers responsibility to allow you one on one time with your child during work hours.

I would guess that she wants you, the assistant, to assist with getting the other children settled for nap. Instead she is doing that herself while you tend to your child while she is paying you. Regardless of it only taking her a couple of minutes, I'm sure she has other things to do and it would more beneficial to her if you were helping at naptime. Her priority is the daycare children and your breastfeeding is a side note to her, whereas to you breastfeeding your child is the priority. (I'm not agreeing one way or the other, just giving a different perspective)

I understand she agreed to this. Sounds like she is regretting that decision and isn't going about telling you in the right way.

You should definitely address it with her before it gets ugly. Ask her straight out if this whole situation is working. If not you could absolutely find another assistant job. Although I can say you will have a difficult time finding work where you can bring your own child for free or reduced and breastfeed while on the job.

I understand your end, but as a daycare owner this would be a problem for me. I don't even allow parents of enrolled children to come in and breastfeed, let alone an employee. Not that I don't support breastfeeding, I absolutely do. Just that it causes more of a disruption than parents realize.

[KSDC]

I think that the problem is that too many people don't accept/like extended breastfeeding. And, your employer seems to be one of them.
Odds are that you aren't going to be able to change her mind.

You need to decide what this job is worth to you.
Is it worth weaning your child during business hours?
Only you know your situation.
:hug:

[Play Care]

I think that the problem is that too many people don't accept/like extended breastfeeding. And, your employer seems to be one of them.
Odds are that you aren't going to be able to change her mind.

I think it's unfair to assume that her employer is against extended bf'ing. It also tends to be the extended breast feeders rallying cry "everyone is against us feeding our children!!!!"

The boss initally agreed to it, so I'm thinking perhaps the issue isn't so much the breast feeding, but the fact the boss is doing all the other kids while mom is doing one on one time with her child during what seems like a busy time in the day. Frankly, I wouldn't pay someone for that.

[ACH247]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You both went in with expectations and it seems like she is now trying to change the agreement. I would talk to her and see what she is expecting and I would let her know that the conditions of your lower pay (which I don't know is legal) is that I get to care for my child. Maybe to try to work with her i would ask her to outline the expectations but I would definitely start looking for another job or start my own program.

[NightOwl]

I do think this is a bit unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with extended breastfeeding, but it is no longer your child's primary source of nourishment. It's comfort feeding.

Yes, she agreed initially, but haven't we all made an agreement at some point in our lives that we later regretted? I think she regrets this arrangement.

For me personally, I would not allow you to breastfeed on my dime. I would be paying you to assist me, not paying you to care for your own child. And I can see where the resentment may be building up for both of you.

It IS illegal to work under the table and for less than minimum wage. That's another thing to consider.

If continuing to comfort feed is your priority, it's probably best that you turn in your notice and stay home or start your own childcare from home. And she needs an assistant that is available to do what she pays them to do for the entire time the assistant is there.

[Annalee]

I think you are being unreasonable. I don't think this is going to work out.

The easy way to address this is to:

1. find childcare for your child while you are working

2. follow the childcare programs routines while you are working.

3. open your own childcare program that suits your parenting and financial needs

Sorry, being a parent is hard. Being an employee is work. :hug: You are not entitled to do "my child" while on the clock in someone elses business. I don't mean to sound harsh, I am just calling as I know it to be. I opened my own childcare program to meet my needs and wants, too..... Naptime is when I work the hardest. Cleaning, planning, organizing, emailing, etc.... Having an assistant disappearing during that time everyday would not be beneficial and I would resent the ____ out of it. It is one thing if I was supporting her nursing for nutrition, but for comfort... nope. I would not host that on your dollar.

This whole forum can help you get up and going if you want to open one, though.

I agree, FCC needs dependable work ALL THE TIME, not just when it is convenient....taking care of your "own" child takes away from your work duties and I think you need to reassess your position.....start your own daycare or move on so your employer can find a dependable worker!