Assistant with Nursing Toddler

[Elko]

I've seriously tried about 100 times to get her to tell me EXACTLY what to do. I say, "ok, what time do you want to start naptime?" And "So you want to start just putting the boys down and not spending a minute on them? I'll do that if you want, just tell me" (after she goes on about how she wants them to be able to go to sleep on their own, and she doesn't think we need to respond to crying unless it's a real distress cry, yadda yadda.) Then she says "Oh I'm fine with spending a few minutes getting one down then bringing the other up..." It just goes in circles. I swear, I've gotten like creepily clear and she refuses to give in. Yesterday I said "ok what time should I bring them in for a snack?" (We were doing 11:00 but she started acting like that was too early, in a weird passive-aggressive way, so I asked very clearly). She said "oh I don't know, maybe a little closer to 11:30, just see how they're doing". (When I use my own judgment she doesn't believe me or thinks I'm being controlled by tantrums). I said "I'd rather you tell me a time and I'll just make it happen, I don't want to be wrong". She got wishy washy. I said "Ok, 11:30. I'll do whatever I have to do to make them last until then". (We have a difficult one who won't eat at meal or snacktime and gets starving and tantrumy right in between).

So there's a rambling example of what happens several times a day at this point.

[Cat Herder]

I've seriously tried about 100 times to get her to tell me EXACTLY what to do. I say, "ok, what time do you want to start naptime?" And "So you want to start just putting the boys down and not spending a minute on them? I'll do that if you want, just tell me" (after she goes on about how she wants them to be able to go to sleep on their own, and she doesn't think we need to respond to crying unless it's a real distress cry, yadda yadda.) Then she says "Oh I'm fine with spending a few minutes getting one down then bringing the other up..." It just goes in circles. I swear, I've gotten like creepily clear and she refuses to give in. Yesterday I said "ok what time should I bring them in for a snack?" (We were doing 11:00 but she started acting like that was too early, in a weird passive-aggressive way, so I asked very clearly). She said "oh I don't know, maybe a little closer to 11:30, just see how they're doing". (When I use my own judgment she doesn't believe me or thinks I'm being controlled by tantrums). I said "I'd rather you tell me a time and I'll just make it happen, I don't want to be wrong". She got wishy washy. I said "Ok, 11:30. I'll do whatever I have to do to make them last until then". (We have a difficult one who won't eat at meal or snacktime and gets starving and tantrumy right in between).

So there's a rambling example of what happens several times a day at this point.

That sounds like a nightmare. Obviously she is still very green in this and it is effecting your entire world.

Can you afford to simply walk away? Maybe get a part-time job at night while your SO is home (assuming there is a SO who is working during the day as is most common )?

[Blackcat31]

I've seriously tried about 100 times to get her to tell me EXACTLY what to do. I say, "ok, what time do you want to start naptime?" And "So you want to start just putting the boys down and not spending a minute on them? I'll do that if you want, just tell me" (after she goes on about how she wants them to be able to go to sleep on their own, and she doesn't think we need to respond to crying unless it's a real distress cry, yadda yadda.) Then she says "Oh I'm fine with spending a few minutes getting one down then bringing the other up..." It just goes in circles. I swear, I've gotten like creepily clear and she refuses to give in. Yesterday I said "ok what time should I bring them in for a snack?" (We were doing 11:00 but she started acting like that was too early, in a weird passive-aggressive way, so I asked very clearly). She said "oh I don't know, maybe a little closer to 11:30, just see how they're doing". (When I use my own judgment she doesn't believe me or thinks I'm being controlled by tantrums). I said "I'd rather you tell me a time and I'll just make it happen, I don't want to be wrong". She got wishy washy. I said "Ok, 11:30. I'll do whatever I have to do to make them last until then". (We have a difficult one who won't eat at meal or snacktime and gets starving and tantrumy right in between).

So there's a rambling example of what happens several times a day at this point.

If there is a need for child care in your area, why don't YOU find the agency that can give you the direction you need to go (paperwork etc....) and look into starting your own home daycare.

You are already home with your daughter, you seem to have the ability (knowing kid-stuff etc) and that way you can earn an income, care for your daughter in whatever way you want to and not have these issues.

You'll have a whole new set of them as daycare is never stress or worry free but atleast you'd have more control over the issues and the ability to know what to do.

I agree with Cat Herder, it seems to me this provider is just too green to lead.

She hasn't figured out her groove yet and because of that she is just a marble in a maze....

When and if she does find the right path, she might have a great program and need a great assistant but until then, YOU gotta do what's best for YOU and right now this situation just seems like it's way too complicated to muddle through when the rules and expectations are as clear as mud.

[Cat Herder]

OP. have you done the math yet?

I don't want to harp because I fear I may come off as badgering, but I have your future interest at heart, I swear. I really think you would be better off going your own way. Your daughter will only LET you hold and comfort her for so long, don't let this job take that time from you. You can't get it back. BELIEVE me. lovethis

Here I can have two kids without being licensed. That would be $250 a week. Pure income.

Have you figured out what yours could be? Is it more than you are making now?? (Be sure to factor in the forgone expense of daycare, gasoline, inclement weather, vacation and sick days.)

Really give it some thought. Take this advice from someone who gave away the 5 months she had with her son thinking she could make it up later. He was only on this earth 5 months. Regret never goes away. :hug:

[Laurel]

I've seriously tried about 100 times to get her to tell me EXACTLY what to do. I say, "ok, what time do you want to start naptime?" And "So you want to start just putting the boys down and not spending a minute on them? I'll do that if you want, just tell me" (after she goes on about how she wants them to be able to go to sleep on their own, and she doesn't think we need to respond to crying unless it's a real distress cry, yadda yadda.) Then she says "Oh I'm fine with spending a few minutes getting one down then bringing the other up..." It just goes in circles. I swear, I've gotten like creepily clear and she refuses to give in. Yesterday I said "ok what time should I bring them in for a snack?" (We were doing 11:00 but she started acting like that was too early, in a weird passive-aggressive way, so I asked very clearly). She said "oh I don't know, maybe a little closer to 11:30, just see how they're doing". (When I use my own judgment she doesn't believe me or thinks I'm being controlled by tantrums). I said "I'd rather you tell me a time and I'll just make it happen, I don't want to be wrong". She got wishy washy. I said "Ok, 11:30. I'll do whatever I have to do to make them last until then". (We have a difficult one who won't eat at meal or snacktime and gets starving and tantrumy right in between).

So there's a rambling example of what happens several times a day at this point.

I had someone come in to assist me a few hours a week and even though I was an experienced provider I found it a bit much to say exactly how I wanted things while doing what needed to be done at the same time. It isn't like an office where you can tell a worker to do a,b, and c and walk away. At home you start telling her a and you get distracted. I guess what I am saying is that I had a hard time training someone while I was actually doing the job. Plus I wasn't picky about things being just so-so anyway. So what happened is my assistant (a middle school,home schooled neighbor) was so perceptive. She stopped asking me what to do and just did what she thought I needed. She was really good. If she saw me struggling with feeding everyone and the baby was crying, she'd just get the baby food and start feeding the baby. So maybe you could go with something like that.

I sense she is against breast feeding at your daughters age also. While it wouldn't be my preference either, sorry, I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place but that is water under the bridge now.

Hope this helps. It almost sounds like what I said above is what you are already doing but just in case it isn't, try it. Good luck.

Laurel

[hope]

How long did it take? It's really hard to do, as he'll sleep forever in the swing, but almost no time in the bassinet. We raised his head a bit and nothin...

Anyway, I'm trying my daughter in the pnp again today, hopefully we'll just gently move into being able to put her down and say "night-night" and walk away... I doubt it, but maybe!

I have one now that only wanted to sleep in swing or stroller. I told parents absolutely no swing or stroller or activity seat even while awake. The baby can only be on flat surface. Said we would do this for a week or so. It has been working. I'm a few days in and there is so much improvement.

[Elko]

To give some background on me, my husband is unemployed, and doesn't seem interested in working (we're having a really hard time now, and who knows how long it'll last. So my stress level is already high which makes it hard to calmly try and figure out how to communicate with someone who is all over the place like the owner is).

I live in a one bedroom apartment with him, so I doubt it's a good setup to start a home daycare, but even if it was I'm seriously broke. That's part of why this situation is best for me; he is a musician who works a few times a month, traveling to other cities, and is totally unreliable as far as when he'll be home and whatnot. So I can't keep a "real" job (even if I could pay for daycare in addition to income) because too often I have to suddenly scramble for friends to watch my daughter or call in to work.

Anyway, that out of the way, I never realized that you could have a couple kids without being licensed. Is there anything you DO have to do? Maybe if I end up on my own it's something I could consider?

[Elko]

Cat Herder, I'm so sorry to hear about your baby... that's part of my resentment, that she doesn't seem to want to let me just enjoy this time with my daughter. WHY must some people push their opinions to such an extent as to cause stress in another mom's life, when they could just let them enjoy the cuddles?

[TheGoodLife]

Cat Herder, I'm so sorry to hear about your baby... that's part of my resentment, that she doesn't seem to want to let me just enjoy this time with my daughter. WHY must some people push their opinions to such an extent as to cause stress in another mom's life, when they could just let them enjoy the cuddles?

Although a nursing mom working in a daycare could be a big deal, I'd have to bet that at her age the nursing sessions are pretty short- just a little comfort session rather than a full-on feeding. (I nursed my youngest until just 14 months, but she was pretty fast already by then!) I hope it all works out for you and your family, sounds very stressful :hug:

[Elko]

Yes, any time she nurses aside from naptime (maybe once a day at this point) it's usually very short and I NEVER just stop and nurse unless I'm sure it's ok... like if the owner is there and the baby is asleep and she just has a toddler or two to watch, or I'm alone and the other kid(s) are content and definitely safe... and I have no problem stopping if something else needs to happen. It's not like I'm disappearing into a room or anchored to a couch for 30 minutes. It's no different from the amount of cuddle-time I give the others if they need it. Obviously, there's a bit of a different dynamic having my own kid there; if another kid gets needy you can bet she will too, and vice versa honestly. But I think I do a decent job of balancing, and most of the group toddler time falls on me.

[sahm1225]

Cat Herder, I'm so sorry to hear about your baby... that's part of my resentment, that she doesn't seem to want to let me just enjoy this time with my daughter. WHY must some people push their opinions to such an extent as to cause stress in another mom's life, when they could just let them enjoy the cuddles?

I'm Sorry Elko, but your statement rubs me the wrong way. If you want to enjoy this time, then stay home. You are in HER home. You are a PAID employee. If you don't like the way she makes you feel in HEr home and HER business then leave.

I have an assistant and she nurses her 13 month old. It is done discreetly and never impacts the other children's care. Whether of not I believe in extended breast feeding isn't the issue. If I felt the care of the other children was being compromised or I was doing more work because an assistant was nursing then yes I would have an issue.

It sounds like you have great ideas of how a daycare should be run and how things should be done. The owner is obviously not ready for someone with such great ideas (I mean that nicely, even though it might sound sarcastic). Elko- find another job. The owner sounds like she's overwhelmed and had found one thing to fixate on (your nursing) instead of having an honest conversation with you on how your original agreement is not working out.

[Elko]

I don't mean she should let me stop what I'm doing to cuddle, I mean she shouldn't try and cast a big mean shadow over my nursing relationship with my daughter in general. The only times I give my daughter one on one time are naptime and when she hurts herself or something; same as the other kids...

[CraftyMom]

Cat Herder, I'm so sorry to hear about your baby... that's part of my resentment, that she doesn't seem to want to let me just enjoy this time with my daughter. WHY must some people push their opinions to such an extent as to cause stress in another mom's life, when they could just let them enjoy the cuddles?

Sorry, I agree with SAHM.

she doesn't seem to want to let me just enjoy this time with my daughter.

WHY must some people push their opinions to such an extent as to cause stress in another mom's life, when they could just let them enjoy the cuddles?


You are there to work , not spend quality time with your daughter. You make it seem as though she is a guest in your home or a random stranger that is disagreeing with your parenting style and preventing from raising your daughter as you please. You are at work! While you are at work you are not, as you put it, a mom who is being caused stress for wanting to enjoy cuddles! You are an employee! Cuddle at home!

I have to say, up until now you were persuading me to see your point. After this comment you now sound just like every other daycare parent that wants special things for their child in daycare and "don't understand why it's such a big deal"

"I don't see why she just doesn't let my child walk around with his blanket all day, it isn't hurting anyone"

"I don't see why my child can't come to daycare with donuts for breakfast, it isn't a big deal"

"I don't understand why my child isn't allowed to play at naptime if he doesn't want to nap"

"I don't see why she won't allow my child to eat mac and cheese everyday if he doesn't like the meal"

"I don't see why I can't come into the daycare and spend quality time with my child on my lunch break"

"I don't see the big deal if I want to come and nurse my child on my lunch break and then play with my child even though it's nap time"

Right now you just sounded like every other one of these parents. By the way the above are all topics that have been discussed on this forum (or very close to it) and many more like them and they ARE a big deal.

Right now you are seeing it from the view of the parent who wants special things allowed for her child in a GROUP setting, and you can't understand why it is a problem, just like all the other parents we vent about.

You are not seeing it from the eyes of the daycare provider or ASSISTANT, who would also tend to agree with the provider, because you are the PARENT wanting SPECIAL. Sorry to say, but no matter what opinions are shared you will quite likely never see the other point of view beside your own.

You say it is no different than the cuddles the other children receive. It is a HUGE difference because the other children are not cuddling with their Mama and spending quality one on one time! I guarantee they would LOVE to have their moms there to cuddle with instead of the daycare assistant.

I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have been given the opportunity to do this as long as you have. Just like any other parent, SPECIAL becomes EXPECTED. And when it becomes a problem in the daycare and is no longer allowed the parents get bent out shape, and if you read a lot of these threads, they end up leaving the daycare because they can't do as they please.

Again, I realize this was the agreed upon arrangement. But it is not working and your employer, in so many words, wants it to stop. Like every new daycare provider she isn't sure how to handle every situation and isn't coming across the right way. But it is CLEAR that it isn't working within the daycare.

Not trying to offend, just sharing my opinion.

You did have me going for a while though, making your employer out to be the bad guy

[KidGrind]

I don't mean she should let me stop what I'm doing to cuddle, I mean she shouldn't try and cast a big mean shadow over my nursing relationship with my daughter in general. The only times I give my daughter one on one time are naptime and when she hurts herself or something; same as the other kids...

She is not the same as the other kids. The other kids’ spots are a source of income for your boss.

[TheGoodLife]

Sorry, I agree with SAHM.

she doesn't seem to want to let me just enjoy this time with my daughter.

WHY must some people push their opinions to such an extent as to cause stress in another mom's life, when they could just let them enjoy the cuddles?


You are there to work , not spend quality time with your daughter. You make it seem as though she is a guest in your home or a random stranger that is disagreeing with your parenting style and preventing from raising your daughter as you please. You are at work! While you are at work you are not, as you put it, a mom who is being caused stress for wanting to enjoy cuddles! You are an employee! Cuddle at home!

I have to say, up until now you were persuading me to see your point. After this comment you now sound just like every other daycare parent that wants special things for their child in daycare and "don't understand why it's such a big deal"

"I don't see why she just doesn't let my child walk around with his blanket all day, it isn't hurting anyone"

"I don't see why my child can't come to daycare with donuts for breakfast, it isn't a big deal"

"I don't understand why my child isn't allowed to play at naptime if he doesn't want to nap"

"I don't see why she won't allow my child to eat mac and cheese everyday if he doesn't like the meal"

"I don't see why I can't come into the daycare and spend quality time with my child on my lunch break"

"I don't see the big deal if I want to come and nurse my child on my lunch break and then play with my child even though it's nap time"

Right now you just sounded like every other one of these parents. By the way the above are all topics that have been discussed on this forum (or very close to it) and many more like them and they ARE a big deal.

Right now you are seeing it from the view of the parent who wants special things allowed for her child in a GROUP setting, and you can't understand why it is a problem, just like all the other parents we vent about.

You are not seeing it from the eyes of the daycare provider or ASSISTANT, who would also tend to agree with the provider, because you are the PARENT wanting SPECIAL. Sorry to say, but no matter what opinions are shared you will quite likely never see the other point of view beside your own.

You say it is no different than the cuddles the other children receive. It is a HUGE difference because the other children are not cuddling with their Mama and spending quality one on one time! If guarantee they would LOVE to have their moms there to cuddle with instead of the daycare assistant.

I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have been given the opportunity to do this as long as you have. Just like any other parent, SPECIAL becomes EXPECTED. And when it becomes a problem in the daycare and is no longer allowed the parents get bent out shape, and if you read a lot of these threads, they end up leaving the daycare because they can't do as they please.

Again, I realize this was the agreed upon arrangement. But it is not working and your employer, in so many words, wants it to stop. Like every new daycare provider she isn't sure how to handle every situation and isn't coming across the right way. But it is CLEAR that it isn't working within the daycare.

Not trying to offend, just sharing my opinion.

You did have me going for a while though, making your employer out to be the bad guy

I think what she explained was that comment was about her boss making her feel bad for extended nursing, period. Not just doing it at work, by that she's making comments about her boss' negative view of extended nursing completely. And that she was just stating her feelings that extended nursing is a way to bond with a child.