Completely OT - Please Help

[Blackcat31]

We have been married 9 years, but together 13 years. My kids are 3 and 5.
There is no abuse or drug use. There is not another man I want to be with. I have not discussed leaving him with anyone.
I don't think we belong together. We don't see eye to eye on things. We don't have any common interests. I very much feel like he just doesn't "get" me which makes me feel very lonely. I feel like he minimizes my feelings and what I contribute to our marriage/family.
I think you are right in that I feel like I am giving WAY more of myself and that maybe I am having a hard time getting past feelings of hurt.
I don't really know what to do. I feel like I have talked til I am blue in the face trying to make him understand me, and he just doesn't.

What drew you two together in the first place? What common interests did you have before children?

I know from experience that sometimes men feel left out and hurt after kids come into the marriage because, let's be honest, as women and mothers...we put our kids first and our DH last because they are adults but THAT is really the beginning of the end when that happens. NOT that it isn't repairable..but it's work and effort on BOTH parts.

You say he is a good father...does he actively participate in the kids' lives and activities or is the bulk of it left on your shoulders?

Have you considered counseling on your own? Sometimes that is a huge thing...because you can learn techniques, tips and suggestions on how to communicate and manage a partnership.

Sometimes you feel as though you are saying something or telling your spouse something and they don't get it or understand what you mean and it becomes a sore spot so instead of finding ways to get through to each other the area or subject just becomes one you both avoid.

Marriage IS hard but you really have to decide if you are making the right decision for you forever or if this is really only a fix for a current problem.

IMHO, I feel partners owe it to themselves and to each other (and their kids if they have them) to give EVERYTHING they have to save their marriages before calling it quits.

Something lead you to him to get married in the first place, try to revisit that and see how you feel about it but I definitely think it would be HIGHLY beneficial for you to seek counseling. Sometimes it takes fixing ourselves to be able to be a partner. I'm not saying you need counseling and your DH doesn't....I'm saying I personally couldn't walk away without first trying everything I could. kwim?

Hang in there. I am glad you feel comfortable enough sharing here. It's a big step to reach out to others.

[craftymissbeth]

I know part of the problem is that all I do all day is take care of everyone else, and no one takes care of me. I get resentful and feel stuck all day. I am hoping that once the kids get older, we will have more freedom to do more things, and I can go back to work, and I will feel like I have a life outside of taking care of everyone. Honestly, I just feel like a servant. Is this what you are feeling as well? Doing daycare doesn't help at all, bc then we deal with some unappreciative parents, and it reinforces the whole, take care of everyone else attitude.

I can relate to this

[Unregistered]

What drew you two together in the first place? What common interests did you have before children?

I know from experience that sometimes men feel left out and hurt after kids come into the marriage because, let's be honest, as women and mothers...we put our kids first and our DH last because they are adults but THAT is really the beginning of the end when that happens. NOT that it isn't repairable..but it's work and effort on BOTH parts.

You say he is a good father...does he actively participate in the kids' lives and activities or is the bulk of it left on your shoulders?

Have you considered counseling on your own? Sometimes that is a huge thing...because you can learn techniques, tips and suggestions on how to communicate and manage a partnership.

Sometimes you feel as though you are saying something or telling your spouse something and they don't get it or understand what you mean and it becomes a sore spot so instead of finding ways to get through to each other the area or subject just becomes one you both avoid.

Marriage IS hard but you really have to decide if you are making the right decision for you forever or if this is really only a fix for a current problem.

IMHO, I feel partners owe it to themselves and to each other (and their kids if they have them) to give EVERYTHING they have to save their marriages before calling it quits.

Something lead you to him to get married in the first place, try to revisit that and see how you feel about it but I definitely think it would be HIGHLY beneficial for you to seek counseling. Sometimes it takes fixing ourselves to be able to be a partner. I'm not saying you need counseling and your DH doesn't....I'm saying I personally couldn't walk away without first trying everything I could. kwim?

Hang in there. I am glad you feel comfortable enough sharing here. It's a big step to reach out to others.

We met in high school so I think my initial attraction was just that - physical attraction. We never really had a lot in common even in the beginning. My parents were married at 17 and have now been married 39 years. They are each others one and only. I think I was hoping for the same. I think I went into it thinking he would change or grow up. That didn't happen - I was dumb to think it would.
We do have the same sense of humor and can make eachother laugh ...
He is involved in the kids sports activities. When he feels like being involved in other ways or I nag him to - he will be involved. Honestly, it's not totally his fault. He works A LOT of hours!
We have quite a few "sore subjects" because he just doesn't "get" me. He literally does not understand anything unless it directly happens to him.
I feel an overwhelming need to feel understood and feel a connection with him.

I knew I could come here and talk with you ladies. Thank you for all your help so far. You ladies are awesome!

[Annalee]

I know part of the problem is that all I do all day is take care of everyone else, and no one takes care of me. I get resentful and feel stuck all day. Honestly, I just feel like a servant. Is this what you are feeling as well? Doing daycare doesn't help at all, bc then we deal with some unappreciative parents, and it reinforces the whole, take care of everyone else attitude.

I am just trying to stay positive and hold my head up. I am slowly remembering that I need to take care of myself, although I have not executed this well. I know that part of the problem is me- I need to be happy with myself first.

THis is exactly how I feel...Between my husband, kids, church, extended family and daycare, I feel stretched to the max. But, like you said, it is largely within ourselves to be "happy". Not mastered this by NO means, but am much better. I do try to make more time for myself, but also realize my husband possibly has the same feelings I have, so we together have to work to keep things together.

[Unregistered]

We are in the exact same boat, right down to the ages of our kids. I have a 1 year old too though. Same with the conversations- I talk, it is better for a small bit, then it goes back.

I know part of the problem is that all I do all day is take care of everyone else, and no one takes care of me. I get resentful and feel stuck all day. I am hoping that once the kids get older, we will have more freedom to do more things, and I can go back to work, and I will feel like I have a life outside of taking care of everyone. Honestly, I just feel like a servant. Is this what you are feeling as well? Doing daycare doesn't help at all, bc then we deal with some unappreciative parents, and it reinforces the whole, take care of everyone else attitude.

I am just trying to stay positive and hold my head up. Sometimes I meditate when the kids are napping, or do a little bit of yoga. I am slowly remembering that I need to take care of myself, although I have not executed this well. I know that part of the problem is me- I need to be happy with myself first. When we first got together, I just wanted him to like me, so I compromised myself and went along with everything he liked, which spoiled him to death.

Don't mean to hijak your post- just wanted to share. You aren't alone

Yes! We are def in the same boat. The thing is, I wouldn't mind being a servant if my efforts were appreciated. I feel very taken for granted

[SunshineMama]

We met in high school so I think my initial attraction was just that - physical attraction. We never really had a lot in common even in the beginning. My parents were married at 17 and have now been married 39 years. They are each others one and only. I think I was hoping for the same. I think I went into it thinking he would change or grow up. That didn't happen - I was dumb to think it would.
We do have the same sense of humor and can make eachother laugh ...
He is involved in the kids sports activities. When he feels like being involved in other ways or I nag him to - he will be involved. Honestly, it's not totally his fault. He works A LOT of hours!
We have quite a few "sore subjects" because he just doesn't "get" me. He literally does not understand anything unless it directly happens to him.
I feel an overwhelming need to feel understood and feel a connection with him.

I knew I could come here and talk with you ladies. Thank you for all your help so far. You ladies are awesome!

I met mine in HS too. I think sometimes, they are still stuck in the HS mentality, and bc they didn't really date anyone else, they have no idea how to appreciate us.

[jenboo]

We have been married 9 years, but together 13 years. My kids are 3 and 5.
There is no abuse or drug use. There is not another man I want to be with. I have not discussed leaving him with anyone.
I don't think we belong together. We don't see eye to eye on things. We don't have any common interests. I very much feel like he just doesn't "get" me which makes me feel very lonely. I feel like he minimizes my feelings and what I contribute to our marriage/family.
I think you are right in that I feel like I am giving WAY more of myself and that maybe I am having a hard time getting past feelings of hurt.
I don't really know what to do. I feel like I have talked til I am blue in the face trying to make him understand me, and he just doesn't.

Im not very experienced here (only been married 3 years) but one thing i have figured out is that my DH doesn't listen to me, as in I can tell him until i'm blue in the face cleaning and helping around the house really turns me on. He didn't believe me and didn't get it. I bought him a book that explains it, and low and behold he comes to me talking about it and thinks he figured it all out on his own haha :: I told him that I have been saying that for months and he wasn't listening to me.

Basically, what im trying to say is that counseling could really help here. Maybe he doesn't get what you are saying but will listen to someone else explaining it.

[Tdhmom]

YES! This exactly! He is a good dad and he works hard, but I don't feel like he tries for ME anymore and I am always trying to go above and beyond for him. Always thinking of him first before myself - I don't feel he does the same. We have had the talk you had with your husband - a million times. It gets better for a bit then goes back to taking me for granted. I feel defeated.

My husband and I have been together since I was a senior in high school! He was 21 and I was 18. It's been 10 years and we've been married for 8 of them. Shortly after our 3rd child was born, we were in this same boat as you are. We hated each other. And it was definitely mutual. We separated for 6 months and that seperation rekindled our feelings for each other. We NEVER had time for ourselves to work on our relationship. It was kids. There was no us. It's been 2 1/2 years since then and we have never been happier. We understand each other so much more! He helps with the house work, helps with the kids, is home every minute extra he has. I don't regret anything. We needed that time apart to realize what we meant to each other. We use to yell and scream at each other until we were blue in the face. Now, I can't even remember the last time we had an argument where there was yelling.

Sometimes it's worth fighting for. You have to have time for yourselves. Or you grow apart. Ask around for teenagers in your neighborhood that you would trust babysitting for a few hours so you can go to dinner together once a month.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope you figure everything out and it works for everyone involved. Pm me if you need someone to talk to. I felt exactly like you did! You're not alone! And sometimes you just need someone to vent to and that makes you feel better.

[momofsix]

What drew you two together in the first place? What common interests did you have before children?

I know from experience that sometimes men feel left out and hurt after kids come into the marriage because, let's be honest, as women and mothers...we put our kids first and our DH last because they are adults but THAT is really the beginning of the end when that happens. NOT that it isn't repairable..but it's work and effort on BOTH parts.

You say he is a good father...does he actively participate in the kids' lives and activities or is the bulk of it left on your shoulders?

Have you considered counseling on your own? Sometimes that is a huge thing...because you can learn techniques, tips and suggestions on how to communicate and manage a partnership.

Sometimes you feel as though you are saying something or telling your spouse something and they don't get it or understand what you mean and it becomes a sore spot so instead of finding ways to get through to each other the area or subject just becomes one you both avoid.

Marriage IS hard but you really have to decide if you are making the right decision for you forever or if this is really only a fix for a current problem.

IMHO, I feel partners owe it to themselves and to each other (and their kids if they have them) to give EVERYTHING they have to save their marriages before calling it quits.

Something lead you to him to get married in the first place, try to revisit that and see how you feel about it but I definitely think it would be HIGHLY beneficial for you to seek counseling. Sometimes it takes fixing ourselves to be able to be a partner. I'm not saying you need counseling and your DH doesn't....I'm saying I personally couldn't walk away without first trying everything I could. kwim?

Hang in there. I am glad you feel comfortable enough sharing here. It's a big step to reach out to others.

[Blackcat31]

Im not very experienced here (only been married 3 years) but one thing i have figured out is that my DH doesn't listen to me, as in I can tell him until i'm blue in the face cleaning and helping around the house really turns me on. He didn't believe me and didn't get it. I bought him a book that explains it, and low and behold he comes to me talking about it and thinks he figured it all out on his own haha :: I told him that I have been saying that for months and he wasn't listening to me.

Basically, what im trying to say is that counseling could really help here. Maybe he doesn't get what you are saying but will listen to someone else explaining it.

Sometimes as women we get frustrated because we feel like we've talked something to death but really what we are doing is repeating the same thing over and over but expecting the other person to just up and suddenly listen or hear us one day.

In reality, sometimes we need to find different ways to say things verses continuing to just repeat ourselves.

If they don't "listen", it's not always because they don't hear or care but sometimes because they don't know what it is we are saying. Like a language barrier sort of.

I know I have to explain things to my DH in a different way than how I would need to have to have things explained to me.

I hope that makes sense.

[Annalee]

Sometimes as women we get frustrated because we feel like we've talked something to death but really what we are doing is repeating the same thing over and over but expecting the other person to just up and suddenly listen or hear us one day.

In reality, sometimes we need to find different ways to say things verses continuing to just repeat ourselves.

If they don't "listen", it's not always because they don't hear or care but sometimes because they don't know what it is we are saying. Like a language barrier sort of.

I know I have to explain things to my DH in a different way than how I would need to have to have things explained to me.

I hope that makes sense.

The advice on this thread is helping me to open up on my own views to make my marriage better. I put alot into my kids and that leaves hubby out....I like to talk things our where he likes to get silent and even pout sometimes.....I got as much to work on as I feel he does. Don't want to take away from original post but this thread is what I needed today!

[crazydaycarelady]

I agree with Blackcat - marriage is highs and lows. I remember when my kids were little during some of the lows, I fantasized about loading my kids in the car and just driving far far away and disappear. Having young kids is hard and there was a lot of resentment on my part, keeping score. Then the kids got older and things are better now.

[Unregistered]

I would look at all avenues. When I look around at people in their 40's, 50's I don't see that the women have the best marriages. That's the honest truth, and 2nd marriages fare worse.
Not a reason to stay in a unhappy marriage, but if you did get divorced no matter what there will be g. friends around your children, and if he marries they may have a step mother..who may or may not be vested in your children.

My one friend divorced her husband a few years ago, and regrets it. I told her I would have stayed because she didn't have to work, he made over 150k a year. They mostly got along, but it was over his mother and grown children who he would sneak money to. Stuff like that, and her husband would also tell his daughter she could have the grand kids birthday parties at his house. Problem was he would tell his wife after the fact. I told her she would find another man, but it would be a different set of problems, and finances have played a big role.

I think there are far too many women that have a fantasy that doesn't exist. Prince charming doesn't exist, you have to decide what you can live with and can't, and go from there.

Sadly, divorce has made a mess of the family structure, and I've had more clients go to court over many years fighting over support, and custody issues. And you can't ban a girlfriend from your children unless you can prove that person represents a danger.

Either way, I would advise every woman to make sure to sock money away, and be able to support themselves long before they consider divorce. I've seen too many go from the frying pan right into the fire. And down the road if you do find that special person..are they going to feel the same about your kids. Will your kids have to live with his kids, will they get along...will he want to spend the same amount of money on your children? College etc.? It can get very complicated. Will your new in-laws invite his ex to all the family functions...or worse yet..I've seen spouses backup his ex and not the new wife when it comes to his family..or his kids. Sorry to be so candid but I've had many friends and acquaintances that had 2nd marriages that ended up with more problems down the road.

Finally, understand it is likely he will get partial custody, especially today. Why many women wait until the children are older to divorce. Look at all your options, and be realistic.

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been together since I was a senior in high school! He was 21 and I was 18. It's been 10 years and we've been married for 8 of them. Shortly after our 3rd child was born, we were in this same boat as you are. We hated each other. And it was definitely mutual. We separated for 6 months and that seperation rekindled our feelings for each other. We NEVER had time for ourselves to work on our relationship. It was kids. There was no us. It's been 2 1/2 years since then and we have never been happier. We understand each other so much more! He helps with the house work, helps with the kids, is home every minute extra he has. I don't regret anything. We needed that time apart to realize what we meant to each other. We use to yell and scream at each other until we were blue in the face. Now, I can't even remember the last time we had an argument where there was yelling.

Sometimes it's worth fighting for. You have to have time for yourselves. Or you grow apart. Ask around for teenagers in your neighborhood that you would trust babysitting for a few hours so you can go to dinner together once a month.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope you figure everything out and it works for everyone involved. Pm me if you need someone to talk to. I felt exactly like you did! You're not alone! And sometimes you just need someone to vent to and that makes you feel better.

Thank you to everyone! So far just venting to everyone and being understood by all of you has really helped!
I think perhaps I was over-reacting in saying I wanted to leave him, but sometimes it seems like life would be so much easier on my own.

Aside from counseling, which I am seriously considering, have any of you gotten through to your husband without it?

[Annalee]

Thank you to everyone! So far just venting to everyone and being understood by all of you has really helped!
I think perhaps I was over-reacting in saying I wanted to leave him, but sometimes it seems like life would be so much easier on my own.

Aside from counseling, which I am seriously considering, have any of you gotten through to your husband without it?

My husband isn't a "talker", so after all these years I have learned to "respect" his quietness even if it is a "pout" tactic.....I have also learned it is so much easier to focus on the other person's faults. Someone stated earlier how women have a fantasy about how it should be..... I am guilt of that as well, but when I put it on paper, my hubby doesn't drink/drugs/is not abusive, loves my kids and loves me, holds a job steadily, etc. I think in time we take each other for granted. Marriage is almost another job and it often gets put on the back burner....I have been married 20 years this year.....our kids are into sports, we have church/school functions so time has to be made for each other....sadly, we have not done that enough and as I write this post, I know what I must work on for future use.