Completely OT - Please Help

[Logged out for Privacy]

I am 30 yrs old with 2 children. I am no longer in love with my husband, but don't know what to do. I don't want to be with him. I just don't know how to leave him. If we didn't have kids, it would be easy, but then I think about how would we share custody and be amicable and how would our children take it?
He is a good father but doesn't always make the best decisions. If it was just him - they would be up all night eating mcdonalds and watching tv. I also feel like he would bring them around people I wouldn't approve of.
I feel stuck in this marriage, and I am so unhappy. Have any of you gone through this? What did you do?

[coolconfidentme]

I have. I remember my ex would say hurtful things like, "If you don't like it, get a divorce." One day on my drive home, I told myself if he says it again, I would take him up on it. Little did I know it would be 2 hours later. The marriage ended & I'm in a happier place now. I wish I had the words to help you...:hug:

[Unregistered]

I have. I remember my ex would say hurtful things like, "If you don't like it, get a divorce." One day on my drive home, I told myself if he says it again, I would take him up on it. Little did I know it would be 2 hours later. The marriage ended & I'm in a happier place now. I wish I had the words to help you...:hug:

What about your kids? Did you get custody? Was there a way to prevent him from bringing your kids around certain ppl? Or making sure he was doing all the necessary things for your children (ie brushing teeth/hair, washing their clothes, feeding them healthy food, etc)?

I not so much worried about myself. I am concerned about my children.

[coolconfidentme]

What about your kids? Did you get custody? Was there a way to prevent him from bringing your kids around certain ppl? Or making sure he was doing all the necessary things for your children (ie brushing teeth/hair, washing their clothes, feeding them healthy food, etc)?

I not so much worried about myself. I am concerned about my children.

You cannot control what happens elsewhere unless there is a safety issue. Unfortunately children adapt to different situation. You can private message me if you want.

[Scout]

Kids are far more resiliant than we often give them credit for. You need to consider what is better for them, staying in a marriage where you are unhappy or having Dad feed them McDonalds while, otherwise taking pretty good care of them. Remember that they will learn how to handle relationships from your examples. I am not sure staying in a marriage you do not want to is what you want to teach them. They will catch on that you are not happy. If your husband meets the basic needs of your children(keeps them safe, fed, etc) I would not stress about whether he is doing the little things woth them. You can split custody and you can handle bath night if you are comcerned about it but, my guess(from what you said) is he will meet their needs. About him brongong them around undesirable people, you will need to just ne open and honest with him and trust he wouldn't. If you can't do that, then you ge your lawyer involved. I know it would not be easy but, think of how much more you can do for yourself and your kids if you put your happiness first. :hug: I have not gone through this and have been married for almost 7 years and we have 2 kids that mean the world to me. This is how I would try to approach my decision, looking at the long run. Recently, I began a pt job 2-3 nights a week and some nights my house may have toys out or dishes on the counter when I get home but, you know what? My kids were fed dinner, not always healthy but, fed something they eat and tbwy are put in their pjs and at least my older SA son will be sleeping when I ge home. We are working on the little guy because he is attached tk me and most nights we all sleep together in our queen bed!! But, I get home before 10 pm so, I choose to not get upset tha he is still up and tomorrow w are picking up a twin mattress to make a shared br for them tk try to get the little guy on hos brothers schedule. I have been taught by Blackcat that as long as they ar safe and basic needs are met to let the little things go It makes a HUGE difference. So what if I have to clean up for 10 min when I come home, my kid are taken care of and that is the important thing. Trust in his abilities as a Dad, you said he was a good father so go with it. HTH.

[Annalee]

You cannot control what happens elsewhere unless there is a safety issue. Unfortunately children adapt to different situation. You can private message me if you want.

My brother is going through a divorce right now...all his wife has said is that she is "unhappy"....her children are big enough for the courts to listen so he has gotten the kids and all she got or wanted was every other wknd. Turns out, she is with another man whom has been divorced once with two children and is getting a divorce now from his wife and they have and 8 mos old. NOne of my family saw this coming. I think there was a "counseling" point but they missed it. It is far past that now. Marriage takes work and I now am working harder on the little things that get on my nerves in my own marriage. I see how selfish at times I could be because I see the hurt in my nephews/niece eyes when their mother pulls her stunts. I have trouble seeing where a person becomes "unhappy" after 20 years....Marriage is work, it doesn't just happen. ONly you can decide what the right thing for you is, but I would double check because divorce affects EVERYONE. Sometimes the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I respect your decision, but divorce is fresh here and it has caused much heartache. Best of luck in what you decide.

[MCC]

OP- I suggest you go and have a consultation with a family lawyer. They will be able to answer most of the questions you have about how to start the divorce, how to address custody, and how to move forward.

[Blackcat31]

I am 30 yrs old with 2 children. I am no longer in love with my husband, but don't know what to do. I don't want to be with him. I just don't know how to leave him. If we didn't have kids, it would be easy, but then I think about how would we share custody and be amicable and how would our children take it?
He is a good father but doesn't always make the best decisions. If it was just him - they would be up all night eating mcdonalds and watching tv. I also feel like he would bring them around people I wouldn't approve of.
I feel stuck in this marriage, and I am so unhappy. Have any of you gone through this? What did you do?

How long have you been married? Is there a particular reason for wanting to get out of this marriage (infidelity, drug use etc) or are you just not in love anymore?

I ask because marriage is give and take.

There were definitely times I felt like I was giving so much more than taking and vice versa. There were times I felt resentful and sometimes mistaken thought those feelings were "no longer being in love" or times I couldn't see past my own feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, etc.

Raising kids IS hard and probably one of THE biggest stresses that can happen to a marriage. Especially if you approach parenting differently than your spouse.

Have you considered counseling? Together and/or alone? How about family members...are they supportive of you staying, leaving...your marriage in general?

I don't mean to sound intrusive but I am just a really big believer that people should do EVERYTHING they can before just getting out. I think that giving 100% to fix something should come first before giving up.

I am NOT saying you haven't done these things... hence the questions.

[Brooksie]

My parents divorced when I was 18 months old. I knew growing up that they did not like each other and I was NEVER one of those kids that hoped that mommy and daddy had stayed together. I just knew from an early age that it was better this way. Staying together for the kids is NEVER a good idea, and in the future they will more likely thank you for splitting up than they would if you were miserable their entire childhood and fought all the time with their father.

[SunshineMama]

How long have you been together/married? I am 31 with 3 kids, and feel sometimes like I am unhappy with the way my husband acts. It is almost like he doesn't try anymore. We had a talk the other night, and I told him how I felt. There was yelling, and he just seemed so indifferent. He told me that he didn't feel like making any effort toward me anymore because whenever he did I rejected him, and to be honest, I think I may have. I always see everything that he does that is wrong: leaving socks out, not putting things away, etc. When we stay at home, our world revolves around kids, and the home, keeping it amazing. It is our job, and we are taken for granted. I started to pull away from him, and he was reacting to it. The past 2 days, I have been making a lot of efforts to try to be really nice to him, do extra things, etc, in the hopes that it will spark him to do the same. I realized the other day, that my husband of 6 years, who I have been with for 16 years, doesn't know how to love me in the way that I need to be loved. I don't think he has a clue. Still working on how to help him learn what I need.

Anyway, my point is, that I think a marriage is worth fighting for. There will be ups and downs, and one party will have to pick up the pieces. Have you thought about why you love him anymore? What attracted you to him in the first place? Are you unhappy with him, or with yourself? Not trying to be judgmental at all, just giving you my thoughts, as I struggle with some of the same feelings as you.

[Unregistered]

How long have you been married? Is there a particular reason for wanting to get out of this marriage (infidelity, drug use etc) or are you just not in love anymore?

I ask because marriage is give and take.

There were definitely times I felt like I was giving so much more than taking and vice versa. There were times I felt resentful and sometimes mistaken thought those feelings were "no longer being in love" or times I couldn't see past my own feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, etc.

Raising kids IS hard and probably one of THE biggest stresses that can happen to a marriage. Especially if you approach parenting differently than your spouse.

Have you considered counseling? Together and/or alone? How about family members...are they supportive of you staying, leaving...your marriage in general?

I don't mean to sound intrusive but I am just a really big believer that people should do EVERYTHING they can before just getting out. I think that giving 100% to fix something should come first before giving up.

I am NOT saying you haven't done these things... hence the questions.

We have been married 9 years, but together 13 years. My kids are 3 and 5.
There is no abuse or drug use. There is not another man I want to be with. I have not discussed leaving him with anyone.
I don't think we belong together. We don't see eye to eye on things. We don't have any common interests. I very much feel like he just doesn't "get" me which makes me feel very lonely. I feel like he minimizes my feelings and what I contribute to our marriage/family.
I think you are right in that I feel like I am giving WAY more of myself and that maybe I am having a hard time getting past feelings of hurt.
I don't really know what to do. I feel like I have talked til I am blue in the face trying to make him understand me, and he just doesn't.

[Unregistered]

How long have you been together/married? I am 31 with 3 kids, and feel sometimes like I am unhappy with the way my husband acts. It is almost like he doesn't try anymore. We had a talk the other night, and I told him how I felt. There was yelling, and he just seemed so indifferent. He told me that he didn't feel like making any effort toward me anymore because whenever he did I rejected him, and to be honest, I think I may have. I always see everything that he does that is wrong: leaving socks out, not putting things away, etc. When we stay at home, our world revolves around kids, and the home, keeping it amazing. It is our job, and we are taken for granted. I started to pull away from him, and he was reacting to it. The past 2 days, I have been making a lot of efforts to try to be really nice to him, do extra things, etc, in the hopes that it will spark him to do the same. I realized the other day, that my husband of 6 years, who I have been with for 16 years, doesn't know how to love me in the way that I need to be loved. I don't think he has a clue. Still working on how to help him learn what I need.

Anyway, my point is, that I think a marriage is worth fighting for. There will be ups and downs, and one party will have to pick up the pieces. Have you thought about why you love him anymore? What attracted you to him in the first place? Are you unhappy with him, or with yourself? Not trying to be judgmental at all, just giving you my thoughts, as I struggle with some of the same feelings as you.

YES! This exactly! He is a good dad and he works hard, but I don't feel like he tries for ME anymore and I am always trying to go above and beyond for him. Always thinking of him first before myself - I don't feel he does the same. We have had the talk you had with your husband - a million times. It gets better for a bit then goes back to taking me for granted. I feel defeated.

[craftymissbeth]

My parents divorced when I was 18 months old. I knew growing up that they did not like each other and I was NEVER one of those kids that hoped that mommy and daddy had stayed together. I just knew from an early age that it was better this way. Staying together for the kids is NEVER a good idea, and in the future they will more likely thank you for splitting up than they would if you were miserable their entire childhood and fought all the time with their father.

I have the opposite experience. My parents never divorced (and are still together) but growing up they were SO unhappy. They never fought in front of us, but somehow we knew that my mom resented my dad and that my dad was flaky and unreliable. They were good parents in that they took care of our basic needs of food and shelter, but the love wasn't there.. even for us. My mom took her resentment out on me, especially, and abused me physically. My personality is a lot like my dad's so maybe that's why? Idk. Anyway, growing up my sisters and I would sometimes tell each other that we secretly wished they would just split up so WE could be happier.

As far as I can remember my parents have slept separately and now my mom openly tells my siblings ("jokingly") about how much she dislikes our dad

I'm certainly not suggesting you go out and divorce him. I've been in your situation and sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about how much easier my life would be if it was just me and ds. My husband and I are currently still together for our son, but things are slowly getting better between us. I'm not convinced it will work out in the long run, but it's worth it to me to try a bit longer, kwim?

:hug:

[Annalee]

I'm certainly not suggesting you go out and divorce him. I've been in your situation and sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about how much easier my life would be if it was just me and ds. My husband and I are currently still together for our son, but things are slowly getting better between us. I'm not convinced it will work out in the long run, but it's worth it to me to try a bit longer, kwim?

:hug:

[SunshineMama]

YES! This exactly! He is a good dad and he works hard, but I don't feel like he tries for ME anymore and I am always trying to go above and beyond for him. Always thinking of him first before myself - I don't feel he does the same. We have had the talk you had with your husband - a million times. It gets better for a bit then goes back to taking me for granted. I feel defeated.

We are in the exact same boat, right down to the ages of our kids. I have a 1 year old too though. Same with the conversations- I talk, it is better for a small bit, then it goes back.

I know part of the problem is that all I do all day is take care of everyone else, and no one takes care of me. I get resentful and feel stuck all day. I am hoping that once the kids get older, we will have more freedom to do more things, and I can go back to work, and I will feel like I have a life outside of taking care of everyone. Honestly, I just feel like a servant. Is this what you are feeling as well? Doing daycare doesn't help at all, bc then we deal with some unappreciative parents, and it reinforces the whole, take care of everyone else attitude.

I am just trying to stay positive and hold my head up. Sometimes I meditate when the kids are napping, or do a little bit of yoga. I am slowly remembering that I need to take care of myself, although I have not executed this well. I know that part of the problem is me- I need to be happy with myself first. When we first got together, I just wanted him to like me, so I compromised myself and went along with everything he liked, which spoiled him to death.

Don't mean to hijak your post- just wanted to share. You aren't alone