Wonderful Here/Awful At Home?

[Jewels]

Yes I would also never lie, and I didn't mean that, for my situation my provider would not have been lying to me, as she told me later he threw bad tantrums at her house as well, he was in a "phase" she told me he would cry for sometime 30 minutes after I left, but she didn't want me to feel bad. I know this situation is different, I have a child who is amazing here I have never heard him through a tantrum or barely cry, but sometimes when mom picks up he melts down, this mom is wonderful and I know her on a personal level as well, and she doesn't let her kids take advantage of her, and I've told her before, that kids hold stuff in during the day and let it out for their parents. Thanks for understanding what I was trying to express, I was waiting for a backlash! And like I said shes totally not handling it right, but I would bet anything she is super jealous of you with her child, and shes taking it out on you, which in turn can make her feel like a failure, and make her let her kid get away with more at home, the guilty complex, trying to make him "love her more", I never did this, but I always made sure my son was never at her house longer than he had to, I always picked him up right away, never grocery shopped first, when my husband had a day off, He had to keep him home, even though he had stuff that he really wanted to get done like refinishing the deck, whenever he showed little symptoms of being sick even mildly with no fever, I kept him with me to make sure I was the one who took care of him not her, I was kind of crazy but it all stemmed from jealousy, like I thought she was trying to make him love her more. I laugh now and how I was, its seriously humourous, as I was never the jealous type until I had my first baby, and he made me crazy!

[Jewels]

Not to be nit picky but what do you mean "making it seem" like he were a dream?

Sounds like this child is. So what is the OP supposed to do, lie and say he's not?

I've had kids that have *never* thrown a tantrum here but do so frequently at home.....if the parents were to act just as poorly in response are you saying I should lie to them and tell them their child is doing something here that they're not - just to make them feel better about allowing that behavior to occur at home?

(not being snarky, genuine question to try to get to the bottom of what you expect of the original poster......)




So a grown woman, behaving immaturely as you put it, should be coddled to try to manipulate her irrational feelings and nasty behaviors?

I'm sorry but no way would I ever do that. It's unethical to mislead and lie like that to any parent imho.

I don't believe kids tantrum to the level OP describes because they love their parents the most. The child is obviously in crisis if he's behaving the way the parents are experiencing and something serious *IS* going on in his life. That's not normal, healthy, or any kind of love. Parents who don't know or refuse to realize that a child is struggling that badly don't need things glossed over to spare their feelings, they need honesty and assistance to help them get their child to a better place.

It is not my job to enable poor parenting or irrational feelings.

I'm all about offering loads of praise and encouragement - but only when it is DESERVED. Certainly never in the spirit of deception.

Heres the backlash I was waiting for, I would not coddle her, that is not what I am saying, and when I say not make it seem, I mean I wouldn't say to her "Wow hes the absolute best kid I have here, don't know what your doing wrong" I don't mean lie, I mean I personally would have just said to her "He had a good day here, but alot of kids change around their parents, holding stuff in all day" this is just me personally, not how I'm telling people to handle stuff, I just personally, would never want to make it seem, like I thought my way of handling their child was better than theirs, and I'm not saying this is what happened, I was simply trying to point out what might be bringing out these behaviors in the mom, I'm not saying how to handle anything, I'm just saying why shes acting the way shes acting, And I'm saying how I personally would have, If it seems like he's being abused or something thats different, but I wouldn't know.

[Jewels]

And never in any of my posts did I say she should be lied to, I actually went back and re read them.

[countrymom]

I get this ALOT, I just don't know the answer. When the kids are with me, they are great. The minute they go home and are with parents they are aweful.

[daycarediva]

No of course not willow, I never lied, or blamed her, I'm not saying shes right shes not, I'm saying she just sounds jealous, and insecure, and shes handling it wrong, shes being immature about it, I was immature in my situation, but more at home to myself, and I never blamed the provider. Although I hated her, strictly jealous hating, I think this mom, feels like I did, and shes trying to get some reasurrance that her kid doesn't hate being home, for me I know my kid was throwing tantrums at daycare to, and for me I would have loved to have heard this, but she never wanted me to know, so in that way for me I felt like my kid disliked me, I know this is ignorant but he was only just under 2, and I was new to the parenting game. For this mom if she were one of my parents, instead of making it seem like he were a dream child here, I would simply try to make her feel a little better by saying thats kids behave differently for their parents because they love them the most, I think this is what a mom like this is needing to hear, I think shes feeling like a failure and passing the buck on to someone else, which is NOT right, but her feelings are clouding her judgement.

I believe this was what the issue was. I am not making it seem that way, he really is! He also behaves beautifully in public (I have seen it) for Grandparents, for Aunts and for his weekend sitter. All from both Mom and Dad. It isn't JUST me.

[daycarediva]

Heres the backlash I was waiting for, I would not coddle her, that is not what I am saying, and when I say not make it seem, I mean I wouldn't say to her "Wow hes the absolute best kid I have here, don't know what your doing wrong" I don't mean lie, I mean I personally would have just said to her "He had a good day here, but alot of kids change around their parents, holding stuff in all day" this is just me personally, not how I'm telling people to handle stuff, I just personally, would never want to make it seem, like I thought my way of handling their child was better than theirs, and I'm not saying this is what happened, I was simply trying to point out what might be bringing out these behaviors in the mom, I'm not saying how to handle anything, I'm just saying why shes acting the way shes acting, And I'm saying how I personally would have, If it seems like he's being abused or something thats different, but I wouldn't know.

He is most certainly not being abused. I referred her to websites, not about her parenting, but about how many kids exhibit these behaviors and some of the reasons behind it. (pent up feelings, overtired, trying to be better in front of someone they are less comfortable with, acting like his friends do, etc)

I also never said he is the absolute best kid here, but I didn't lie. No, he doesnt exhibit those behaviors here. No, he does fine with transitions. If he were to ever throw a tantrum, or have a bad day, since it is so unusual, Mom would most certainly be notified. I don't regularly say to dcp's that dcb/g had a tantrum. They're 2. It's par for the course, kwim? but I do mention particularly bad/good days, etc.

[just_peachy]

For me, I think all children act differently with their parents, I have seen many fits at pick up, the kid is involved in something doesn't want to stop, It may be because the kid can get away with it at home, it may be they have been holding it in all day, they may be going through some changes or a "phase" but unless the child is completely breaking my rules throwing stuff or something, I let the parents take charge, one thing I would Never ever say to a parent, is "wow they were fine just a minute ago" my only concern is how they are on my care, unless I feel they are being mistreated, I don't comment on it.

When I had my son in daycare it was really really hard on me, I was a great daycare parent, I would drop him in the door and leave right away if he were crying, if he threw a fit when I had to pick him up because he was playing, I would just pick him up grab his stuff and leave, but inside it really hurt me that he threw a fit being picked up,( I really felt like he didn't want to be with me) and he was going through a major fit stage, at home I always just put him down and completely ignored him( he was smaller than 3) but whenever I would ask how his day was at daycare, she would always respond the same to me"he had a good day" so then when I wuold get home and he would throw tantrums, I got really sad, thinking he always had a good day at her house, and sometimes I felt like he didn't like me ( I know its stupid, but I hated not being with him, hence how my status changed) I did find out later when I started staying home with him that he would have bad days at daycare, I would have felt so much better had she pointed this out to me once in a while and been honest with me.

It embarrassed me when I would pick him up and he would start screaming, I always felt like she was thinking he never did that for her, and that she felt like he was happier obviously at her house, I was super jealous of her, which made me not like her, and if she would have ever sent me articles on parenting or something, I guarantee I would have quit my job right there. Because I would have taken it as her telling me she was better with my child than I were, and it would have totally made me defensive........

I'm just being honest on how I felt as a first time parent with my little one at daycare, now I was never meant to be a working mom, and I know that the way I felt was not rational now, I know now that I do daycare, kids even though they have a great time here, are the happiest at home with mom and dad, and when a kid acts up at pick up time, and I can tell a parent is a little uncomfortable as they were fine when they walked in the door I will say "they always act different for mom and dad, they love you the most, or they hold a lot in during the day, I have had a couple moms who were just like me, and if a kid has a hard day, when mommy picks up, and asks about the day, I will always say "little sweety missed his mommy today" I have a little girl whos a total daddys girl, and mommy works alot during Tax season, and the other day was asking for mommy alot, and I told daddy to tell mom that, not in a you should feel guilty way, but she wanted mommy today not daddy way.

Its none of my business how things happen at home unless your suspecting abuse, if it just a case of mom and dad letting a kid walk all over them thats their business, they love their kid and are raising them the way they see fit(not that some of these ways dont just make me want to point out the wrongness) but its their life, and I would never try to make a parent feel like I am doing something much better than them, because their child behaves so much better for me. Anyways I'm just trying to point out feelings from the other side, of a possibly jealous parent, which yes I was, but I would have never been able to see the other side of things until I opened my own daycare.

I completely absolutely totally get this. I was that way too, but I was a SAHM from the start. I just wanted to say I hear you! I "parent" my kids a lot different than I "parent" my daycare kids. When they're all together, they get the same treatment, but when my kids are mine alone, we're a lot more about "feelings" and "it's okay to be sad" and mushy stuff like that. It's impractical in a daycare setting, but it's MY parenting style. Sometimes I don't agree that a kid's perfect behavior is any indicator at all of their future success. But we shoot out these kids that have to fit inside the mold or else...

Sometimes my kids lose it at home, sometimes they do a LOT, but they are great with everyone else. I read an article once talking about how this can be a GOOD sign of parenting because the kids know how they are supposed to behave in society and do it. But at home they are in their "safe zone" where they can concentrate on the other things that are going on in their little hearts and brains besides behavior, and it gets overwhelming.

Maybe my beliefs aren't mainstream, but that's why I've chosen to make sacrifices and stay home with my kids! Not everyone has that luxury.

I have seen from these boards that doing daycare can make judgmental cynics out of any of us. It makes me sad. And daycarediva, in NO WAY am I directing this specifically at you!!! It's just an observation I've been making here since I joined. It's been on my mind.

[Jewels]

He is most certainly not being abused. I referred her to websites, not about her parenting, but about how many kids exhibit these behaviors and some of the reasons behind it. (pent up feelings, overtired, trying to be better in front of someone they are less comfortable with, acting like his friends do, etc)

I also never said he is the absolute best kid here, but I didn't lie. No, he doesnt exhibit those behaviors here. No, he does fine with transitions. If he were to ever throw a tantrum, or have a bad day, since it is so unusual, Mom would most certainly be notified. I don't regularly say to dcp's that dcb/g had a tantrum. They're 2. It's par for the course, kwim? but I do mention particularly bad/good days, etc.

I'm sorry I was responding to willow, I knew my reply would be taken out of context from how I meant it, my initial post was just trying to say why she may be acting the way shes acting, I believe he is a great child, when I said make it seem I didn't mean like you were lying about his behaviour I guess I used the wrong phrase, I would never tell her her was a dream child for me, I wouldn't lie and say he was bad, I would just keep it short, He had a good day. Thats what I meant, I just think she is jealous and insecure, and its probably reflecting to how she treats and disciplines her child, letting him get away with more, so he loves her more and such, not wanting to make him upset, she doesn't get much time and doesn't want to feel guilty. I think the article about how kids hold stuff in and act differently was a great one to send, thats the kind of stuff I think she needs to know, but I think things will always seemed stained between you, and even though the child is great I don't know that I would continue to want to work with the parents, after what happened.

[Willow]

I'm sorry I was responding to willow, I knew my reply would be taken out of context from how I meant it, my initial post was just trying to say why she may be acting the way shes acting, I believe he is a great child, when I said make it seem I didn't mean like you were lying about his behaviour I guess I used the wrong phrase, I would never tell her her was a dream child for me, I wouldn't lie and say he was bad, I would just keep it short, He had a good day. Thats what I meant, I just think she is jealous and insecure, and its probably reflecting to how she treats and disciplines her child, letting him get away with more, so he loves her more and such, not wanting to make him upset, she doesn't get much time and doesn't want to feel guilty. I think the article about how kids hold stuff in and act differently was a great one to send, thats the kind of stuff I think she needs to know, but I think things will always seemed stained between you, and even though the child is great I don't know that I would continue to want to work with the parents, after what happened.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe I took your post out of context.

To the contrary I think it is you who took the original scenario and took it out of context, trying to relate the same experience you had to what's going on here. Unfortunately what you're comparing is apples to green beans and I think that's where we're getting stuck..


No one in invalidating what YOU personally experienced, but it's not the same as what the OP is dealing with on any level. Not the ages, not the behaviors, not the way the parents are handling it, nada.

Did your child go home and tantrum 24/7? Was his behavior so severe at home he threw massive 'rage' fits where he didn't even cry, he instead yelled/screamed, threw things and busted up your house? Did you ever have to remove everything and pretty much shut him in his room where he still continued to carry on raging for over an hour? Did you then march up to your provider and put 100% of the blame squarely on her shoulders?

Because THAT'S the context we're discussing here.

It's not "backlash" to point out that discussing minor toddler tantrums doesn't compare to what the provider and child being discussed and his parents are currently experiencing at home.

If the child in the original post really was a dream with you, and to the contrary behaving in such an extreme way at home, would you really tell the mom it's no big deal? That his days with you are merely fine? That he was doing all all raging and tearing up the house - and to that extreme - because he loved her so much??

How would it help mom if she took her son to his pediatrician, or better yet a child behaviorist and told them his behavior at home is terrible. His provider says his days are simply good but doesn't elaborate so I highly doubt they're really all that good, in fact I suspect she may be lying to me entirely. Pediatrician or child behaviorist would probably assume provider IS lying or understating and start looking into a diagnosis like ADD, ADHD, autism etc.

-OR-

Would it help mom more if she took her son to his pediatrician or better yet a child behaviorist and told them his behavior at home is terrible while his behavior at home is abhorrent.....provider and I have discussed at length that he has great manners there, handles transitions fine, plays appropriately and is very respectful. In fact, she describes him as being a dream there.....I respect and believe her. Pediatrician or child behaviorist would then instead assume something is going on in just the family dynamic if the child can control himself in one area of his life and not at home. They could immediately investigate that, get to the bottom of it and help everyone get to a better place a lot sooner.


Do you see at all where I'm coming from?

It doesn't do anyone any favors to continue to enable or fudge reality here.

[Jewels]

I'm sorry I guess I messed the part where he tantrums 24/7, and NEVER has a happy moment at home, well for a child to scream for hours and hours and hours on end at home, then something must be wrong if its that severe.

[daycarediva]

I really appreciate everyone's help, and I don't take anything personally, so no worries there.

Just peachy- how you refer to handling your kids is how I treat everyone. I am a second Mom to most of my kids and am hugged, kissed, told "I love you" and the kids are all free to be themselves in my care. (including this dcb). When all of the kids misbehave or are upset, I allow them to talk about their feelings, validate them, and then help them work on solutions. I may be paid, but I still love these kids. I have an obligation to help them feel safe, happy and yes, loved while they are in my care. THAT is the specific reason these DCP's decided to come to me instead of a preschool center. They said that they have a very similar parenting style/attachment parenting.

I have a larger update but will have to do that later as dinner is done.

[just_peachy]

I really appreciate everyone's help, and I don't take anything personally, so no worries there.

Just peachy- how you refer to handling your kids is how I treat everyone. I am a second Mom to most of my kids and am hugged, kissed, told "I love you" and the kids are all free to be themselves in my care. (including this dcb). When all of the kids misbehave or are upset, I allow them to talk about their feelings, validate them, and then help them work on solutions. I may be paid, but I still love these kids. I have an obligation to help them feel safe, happy and yes, loved while they are in my care. THAT is the specific reason these DCP's decided to come to me instead of a preschool center. They said that they have a very similar parenting style/attachment parenting.

I have a larger update but will have to do that later as dinner is done.

Hmm, perhaps that's your answer right there! Makes me sad for the poor kid at home. :confused:

[daycarediva]

Dcm came in tonight and essentially confronted me. It was around everyones pickup times and another dcm was there for most of it. She is a pickup and run type, and Im sure she stayed just in case it got out of hand.

Dcm essentially said that dcb told her this morning he didn't want to come to my house and cried. That is HAS to have something to do with me or what has changed here in the last few weeks as nothing has changed at home, etc. She was visibly upset, and her voice was raised.

I should have told her to call me at X time, but I got pretty defensive. The whole thing lasted around 15 minutes! My DD was with the kids, or I would have told her to leave immediately.

I told DCM that DCB told me today DCD hasn't been home at night, and that dcm is gone when he wakes up.

Apparantly, in the last 2-3 weeks (the EXACT time frame this has been going on) DCD has been attending work conferences, and DCM didn't change her workout schedule, so DCB has been left with a neighbor/babysitter EVERY EVENING. They drop off at 7:00 and pick up at 5:30. They are usually 3 days but have picked up 1-2 more per week.

My other dcm came to my defense at one point and said that dcb loves me and she has witnessed it herself at different times of day at drop off and pickup and that her own son (who has been with me for over a year) has done nothing but improve his behavior and she has adopted many of my behavior techniques. She gave me a sympathetic "sorry" look after her little rant and left.

After DCM left, I checked her facebook page. Saturday she was out for coffee with friends (no dcb) saturday evening she went to dinner with different friends (no dcb) sunday she went on a run-that was over 2 hours (training for triathalons) no dcb.

This super sensitive, AP kid, has been getting almost ZERO face time with his parents.

I AM LIVID. I will be telling all of this to DCD at drop off tomorrow morning, and that they can either acknowledge this behavior is on them, or leave TOMORROW.

"Nothing has changed at home" MY BUTT!

[Jewels]

I would give them there notice, even though the boy is great I wouldn't be able to work with these parents after the mom straight out blaming you twice for the behavior,I just would not like her, and drop odds and pick ups would be to akward for me.

[NeedaVaca]

So what happened at drop off?? I can not believe they don't get this! How can they not see the real issue??