Wonderful Here/Awful At Home?

[MarinaVanessa]

Wow, none of my DC kids are that bad but they ALL act differently with their parents than they do with me. I hear that from all of my clients BUT like I said, none behave that bad with me even when their parent is here. They do act silly and sometimes get louder or run (which I remind them is against the rules) but their parents also tell them something and back me up.

[mrsnj]

OMgoodness!! I can site several children and issues like this. Almost always it is a passive parent. One who is not in control and the child knows. Here there are rules and broken rules had consequences. No second chances. Done. But when moms walk in the door (or dads ) the child is a totally other child. Why? Because mom/dad allow it.

I have a child here now who is a little ADHD. He does have trouble following directions. But you know what....I take him and 4-5 other children to the park and out to lunch and to the library and for walks, etc and he does fine for me. I have set rules. You can follow them or sit next to be and be my new best 'friend' for the day. His choice. He is good for me. They have to carry him in and out of the house cause 'he is a runner' and doesn't listen. Seriously? But I clearly see my allow things I would never. She is an enabler. And she pays for it in the end. The child will be the leader and mom and dad will be nothing but stressed out.

Had same issue with a 'horror' child. I mean, bad. Simply put. She threw tantrums that would put most to shame. She threw her food. Demanded. Thought she ruled. We had a TON of stand offs. After a while she became fairly perfect here. These are my rules here. You can follow them and have fun or you can sit there and scream but no one is listening. Her choice. But when mom showed? OMGoodness! It was like another child. She was horrible. But mom never said anything! She didn't last long here.

I think you handled it fine. I think showing her parenting sites is a good thing. It is clearly stated. Your issues is what is going on when that child is there. They need to deal with the child on their own turf and take some sort of responsibility.

[mrsnj]

I'd venture to say a good quarter of the kids I've had were like this.

It's the parents problem and they don't like that, so they're trying to blame you and make it yours.


If a parent has trouble with boundaries and consistency it's not at all unusual for a child to take full advantage.


Dear Mom,

Frankly, I'm more than a little shocked at what you've just shared. Your son is by far the best behaved child in my care at the moment and aside from the obviously tumultuous pick ups (which can be the result of many things) he's been a dream to care for. He is kind, polite, listens well, eats well, naps well...there really aren't enough good things I can say about his overall behavior.

When you imply something must be going on here at daycare I do wonder what your thoughts are exactly? Nothing has changed routine wise and his behavior has remained consistent throughout. He was perfectly fine when he left on Thursday so I'm pretty concerned as that doesn't sound like him to me AT ALL. Did anything happen Friday or Saturday that might have gotten him so upset and wound up? I'm curious what sort of schedule or routine you follow that might be different than what I do here that could be throwing him off when he goes home too. Lots of children struggle if there are differences, maybe we can sort out if there's anything going on like that?

If there's anything I can do to help or assist you in getting to the bottom of this please, by all means let me know. All I can tell you based on the concern in your initial email is that for the very most part he has always been wonderfully behaved here. I hope we can work together to get to the bottom of this so things are as easy for you at home.

Sincerely,
Provider



In short - The problem is obviously yours, not mine *BUT* I'm going to be professional and sympathetic and try to help you sort out the root of your problem as a parent (not his).

LOL Love it

[daycarediva]

Wonder if something is going on at home and mom and dad are in denial, or even irritated thinking it shouldn't be bothering him?

Who watches him on the days he's not with you?

The only difference that they have said/I am aware of is that he is home MORE and has more time with his parents. He went from M-F, to T-TH. Mom works from home on Mon/Fri.

It was crazy. Today at pickup Dad came in without dcb seeing him. He was playing happily, sharing toys, and laughing. Dad was shocked, and I really think by his reaction they didn't fully believe me when I said how wonderful he was. The SECOND Dad called his name his whole demeanor changed and he started whining and kicking his feet and dropped the toys.

[daycarediva]

Wow, none of my DC kids are that bad but they ALL act differently with their parents than they do with me. I hear that from all of my clients BUT like I said, none behave that bad with me even when their parent is here. They do act silly and sometimes get louder or run (which I remind them is against the rules) but their parents also tell them something and back me up.

Yup, sounds like the rest of my bunch. I have one who speaks perfectly. The second her Mom/Dad shows up she reverts to baby talk and mispronunciations.

Nothing this crazy before though!

[Willow]

The only difference that they have said/I am aware of is that he is home MORE and has more time with his parents. He went from M-F, to T-TH. Mom works from home on Mon/Fri.

It was crazy. Today at pickup Dad came in without dcb seeing him. He was playing happily, sharing toys, and laughing. Dad was shocked, and I really think by his reaction they didn't fully believe me when I said how wonderful he was. The SECOND Dad called his name his whole demeanor changed and he started whining and kicking his feet and dropped the toys.

GOOD!!!!!

I'm so glad he had an opportunity to see first hand that this isn't an issue with you!!!


Plus, it's dad, so mom doesn't have an opportunity to twist her perception of things to him like overzealous and dramatic mom's sometimes tend to do

[frgsonmysox]

One of my kids start to throw a fit as soon as his mom gets here, and now his sister is doing it too. I don't allow their fits during the day in my home, they have to sit on a time out stair if they want to throw a temper tantrum, but as soon as mom comes they start up. Drives MY husband batty. I tell their mom that they were fine two minutes before hand.

Should I place them in time out when they do this? Or do I just leave it to mom to handle?

[Willow]

frgsonmysox (awesome screen name btw ) - the answer to your questions depends on what you want to happen and what sort of backbone you have.

If you don't care if they keep up the shenanigans then by all means, let mom continue to (not) handle it.

If however it irks you or causes you problems then I'd let mom know that when they throw fits during the day they have a time out, and that needs to include when she's there. If they're in your home, you need to keep consequences consistent or it effects the way they act during the day as well as the rest of the kids in the group. Tell her what happens once they're buckled into her vehicle is all her business, but if it's happening in your home that's not ok.


(I wouldn't by a long shot let it continue and I'm sure your husband would appreciate you putting your foot down! Doesn't hurt to add something into your policies about behavior at pick up and drop off....something along the lines of if parents can't keep control during transition times you WILL step in to moderate the situation as long as they're on the premises for liability, peace and group preservation's sake)

[daycarediva]

One of my kids start to throw a fit as soon as his mom gets here, and now his sister is doing it too. I don't allow their fits during the day in my home, they have to sit on a time out stair if they want to throw a temper tantrum, but as soon as mom comes they start up. Drives MY husband batty. I tell their mom that they were fine two minutes before hand.

Should I place them in time out when they do this? Or do I just leave it to mom to handle?

Bye bye outside!

[daycarediva]

dcm emailed me back. Dcb screamed all night and intentionally wet/soiled himself 3 different times.

I just said that my only control was over his behavior at my house. I gave suggestions on how to handle his behavior at home, but she came back with "when he screams at your house, what works for you?" Um, he doesn't scream.

I now have dcm saying goodbye to dcb outside in the AM (no screaming, which she was calling separation anxiety and I was calling a temper tantrum) when they pick up, they are to call/text ahead and knock and I will pass dcb off. I worded it to Mom/Dad 'to reduce stress and anxiety on dcb and the other children in care....'

This morning at dropoff, I had dcm stand outside the door when she handed dcb off. Out of sight of dcb, but still within earshot. She got to hear dcb come in, remove his coat, hat and boots by himself, hang them up, go wash his hands, and come to eat breakfast with his friends and talk/laugh happily at the table.

I hope I have made my point clear in regards to his differing behavior. Dcb is a dream daycare kiddo and not one I want to lose over their lack of parenting skills.

[Jewels]

For me, I think all children act differently with their parents, I have seen many fits at pick up, the kid is involved in something doesn't want to stop, It may be because the kid can get away with it at home, it may be they have been holding it in all day, they may be going through some changes or a "phase" but unless the child is completely breaking my rules throwing stuff or something, I let the parents take charge, one thing I would Never ever say to a parent, is "wow they were fine just a minute ago" my only concern is how they are on my care, unless I feel they are being mistreated, I don't comment on it.

When I had my son in daycare it was really really hard on me, I was a great daycare parent, I would drop him in the door and leave right away if he were crying, if he threw a fit when I had to pick him up because he was playing, I would just pick him up grab his stuff and leave, but inside it really hurt me that he threw a fit being picked up,( I really felt like he didn't want to be with me) and he was going through a major fit stage, at home I always just put him down and completely ignored him( he was smaller than 3) but whenever I would ask how his day was at daycare, she would always respond the same to me"he had a good day" so then when I wuold get home and he would throw tantrums, I got really sad, thinking he always had a good day at her house, and sometimes I felt like he didn't like me ( I know its stupid, but I hated not being with him, hence how my status changed) I did find out later when I started staying home with him that he would have bad days at daycare, I would have felt so much better had she pointed this out to me once in a while and been honest with me.

It embarrassed me when I would pick him up and he would start screaming, I always felt like she was thinking he never did that for her, and that she felt like he was happier obviously at her house, I was super jealous of her, which made me not like her, and if she would have ever sent me articles on parenting or something, I guarantee I would have quit my job right there. Because I would have taken it as her telling me she was better with my child than I were, and it would have totally made me defensive........

I'm just being honest on how I felt as a first time parent with my little one at daycare, now I was never meant to be a working mom, and I know that the way I felt was not rational now, I know now that I do daycare, kids even though they have a great time here, are the happiest at home with mom and dad, and when a kid acts up at pick up time, and I can tell a parent is a little uncomfortable as they were fine when they walked in the door I will say "they always act different for mom and dad, they love you the most, or they hold a lot in during the day, I have had a couple moms who were just like me, and if a kid has a hard day, when mommy picks up, and asks about the day, I will always say "little sweety missed his mommy today" I have a little girl whos a total daddys girl, and mommy works alot during Tax season, and the other day was asking for mommy alot, and I told daddy to tell mom that, not in a you should feel guilty way, but she wanted mommy today not daddy way.

Its none of my business how things happen at home unless your suspecting abuse, if it just a case of mom and dad letting a kid walk all over them thats their business, they love their kid and are raising them the way they see fit(not that some of these ways dont just make me want to point out the wrongness) but its their life, and I would never try to make a parent feel like I am doing something much better than them, because their child behaves so much better for me. Anyways I'm just trying to point out feelings from the other side, of a possibly jealous parent, which yes I was, but I would have never been able to see the other side of things until I opened my own daycare.

[Willow]

But Jewels, did you ever accuse your provider of lying? Or blame your sons provider for his behavior at home?

Did you ever assume his actions around you were all the providers fault?


Daycarediva has no reason to lie here. The kid sounds like a dream and there are plenty like that. So is she supposed to lie to mom to make her feel better about them struggling with him at home? Tell her and dad that he has hard days in care just so they don't feel inadequate?

I think your experiences and what's going on here are night and day. Some parents definitely prefer to pass the buck as opposed to taking responsibility for their child's behavior. Nothing they ever do is wrong and if their child misbehaves it's always someone or something else's fault.

Coddling people like that by carefully handling their giant egos isn't going to solve anything for the child. On their own time that's their own business but when they start making accusations that a provider is creating the monster that's when something definitely needs to be said to the contrary. Being honest - it doesn't happen here - this is what I do here - are there any differences - to try to help a parent put the pieces together to sort out where the problem originates from isn't any kind of wrong imho.

[Jewels]

No of course not willow, I never lied, or blamed her, I'm not saying shes right shes not, I'm saying she just sounds jealous, and insecure, and shes handling it wrong, shes being immature about it, I was immature in my situation, but more at home to myself, and I never blamed the provider. Although I hated her, strictly jealous hating, I think this mom, feels like I did, and shes trying to get some reasurrance that her kid doesn't hate being home, for me I know my kid was throwing tantrums at daycare to, and for me I would have loved to have heard this, but she never wanted me to know, so in that way for me I felt like my kid disliked me, I know this is ignorant but he was only just under 2, and I was new to the parenting game. For this mom if she were one of my parents, instead of making it seem like he were a dream child here, I would simply try to make her feel a little better by saying thats kids behave differently for their parents because they love them the most, I think this is what a mom like this is needing to hear, I think shes feeling like a failure and passing the buck on to someone else, which is NOT right, but her feelings are clouding her judgement.

[daycarediva]

No of course not willow, I never lied, or blamed her, I'm not saying shes right shes not, I'm saying she just sounds jealous, and insecure, and shes handling it wrong, shes being immature about it, I was immature in my situation, but more at home to myself, and I never blamed the provider. Although I hated her, strictly jealous hating, I think this mom, feels like I did, and shes trying to get some reasurrance that her kid doesn't hate being home, for me I know my kid was throwing tantrums at daycare to, and for me I would have loved to have heard this, but she never wanted me to know, so in that way for me I felt like my kid disliked me, I know this is ignorant but he was only just under 2, and I was new to the parenting game. For this mom if she were one of my parents, instead of making it seem like he were a dream child here, I would simply try to make her feel a little better by saying thats kids behave differently for their parents because they love them the most, I think this is what a mom like this is needing to hear, I think shes feeling like a failure and passing the buck on to someone else, which is NOT right, but her feelings are clouding her judgement.

Thank you for your side of things. It really helps to hear it from someone who has been there.

I am NOT willing to lie to the parents about his behavior here. He NEVER cries, he NEVER throws tantrums, he NEVER screams, he is never aggressive, always sweet, kind, polite and loveable. When I say dream child, I really mean it. I refuse to lie to make her feel better.

I am sympathetic to her as my ds is wonderful at preschool but misbehaves at home and told me he hated me (after I heard him telling his prek teacher he loved her) so yes, I totally understand.

I am always honest with my families about behavior. Good or bad.

[Willow]

instead of making it seem like he were a dream child here,

Not to be nit picky but what do you mean "making it seem" like he were a dream?

Sounds like this child is. So what is the OP supposed to do, lie and say he's not?

I've had kids that have *never* thrown a tantrum here but do so frequently at home.....if the parents were to act just as poorly in response are you saying I should lie to them and tell them their child is doing something here that they're not - just to make them feel better about allowing that behavior to occur at home?

(not being snarky, genuine question to try to get to the bottom of what you expect of the original poster......)

I would simply try to make her feel a little better by saying thats kids behave differently for their parents because they love them the most, I think this is what a mom like this is needing to hear, I think shes feeling like a failure and passing the buck on to someone else, which is NOT right, but her feelings are clouding her judgement.

So a grown woman, behaving immaturely as you put it, should be coddled to try to manipulate her irrational feelings and nasty behaviors?

I'm sorry but no way would I ever do that. It's unethical to mislead and lie like that to any parent imho.

I don't believe kids tantrum to the level OP describes because they love their parents the most. The child is obviously in crisis if he's behaving the way the parents are experiencing and something serious *IS* going on in his life. That's not normal, healthy, or any kind of love. Parents who don't know or refuse to realize that a child is struggling that badly don't need things glossed over to spare their feelings, they need honesty and assistance to help them get their child to a better place.

It is not my job to enable poor parenting or irrational feelings.

I'm all about offering loads of praise and encouragement - but only when it is DESERVED. Certainly never in the spirit of deception.