Wonderful Here/Awful At Home?

[daycarediva]

Has anyone ever had a child that acted like this?

I have a 3yo dcb who is the best behaved child in my care. Honestly, one of the best behaved children that I have ever had in care. He is kind, polite, listens well, eats well, naps well, etc. I wish I could clone him.

The SECOND he sees his parent/s at pickup, it is a different kid. He is screaming on the floor temper tantrum, hitting, kicking, etc. Mom says that this behavior has become so severe at home he throws massive 'rage' fits where he doesn't cry, he yells/screams, throws things and breaks things. Over the weekend it was so severe Mom put him in in his room with everything removed and he continued to carry on for over an hour.

I just received an email from Mom essentially blaming me for his behavior. Nothing has changed at home, so it MUST be daycare. Um, WHAT!? Nothing has changed here and he behaves DRASTICALLY different for me.

I have no idea what to even say in response to this, as I am so dumbfounded that his behavior on SATURDAY EVENING, (or ANY day/evening) has ANYTHING to do with something that happened during his day on THURSDAY(T-Th). He speaks well, and has never voiced anything negative to Mom about me/kids, etc other than "I no wanna go Miss. ****** house, I no wike NAP!" He tells me the SAME thing, and then falls asleep in 5 minutes.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

They probably don't discipline consistently so he is always testing them. I have a 3 yr old little girl that is like that.. although she is not an angel for me but she knows I won't let her get away with it so she is much better for me.

[slpender]

I wonder how consistant the parents are at home. When he is with you he now what to expect and what is expected of him. Some of the parents have no or very little structure one day their are rules the next day there are no becuase some parents think it is too much work to enforce them.


I have the same child here only I know her issues are her parent as soon as mom come to pick up she is running past mom out the door into the road MOM HAS NO CONTROL. As mom is try to get her into the car sa brother gets out of car and is trampling through the woods in the lot next to my house.

Now this same child has no problem getting into the car for me we walk out the door she sit in the driveway until it is her turn to be buckled in with no problem.

I think some of the parents are just lazy and want to blame their child's behavior on anyone but themselves.

sorry for the rant.

[CedarCreek]

Oh wow,I have this kid!

Same thing, he's the best one I have and I wish all of my kids were like him. He tells me he loves me, gives me hugs and kisses, naps great, is very kind.

Mom says he is a complete terror for her at home. :confused:

The only thing I can think of (and I have tried suggesting it to Mom in a subtle way) is that he really thrives on his routine here. I mean he loves it. he is the first one up after nap putting nap mats away and going potty and washing his hands for snack.

I just don't think she has the time or wants to put in the effort to implement something like this at home.

Maybe something like that is happening with your dck.

I would be livid if she was blaming me for her lax parenting!

[nannyde]

I would just tell her he is an angel at your house and that's all you care about. I would immediately start the buh bye outside program and stick to it until he and his Mom can behave themselves when they are on your property.

You are allowing both of them to act up on your property and in front of you. YOU have to be the leader and set strict boundaries for their public behavior in your private home.

[daycarediva]

I am typing up an email in response now.

Thank you all for your insight! I really thought I was alone in this as it is the first time a kid pulled a complete jekyl/hyde on me!

He really does love routine. Mom is really defensive on what she does/doesn't do as far as discipline. She uses a lot of redirection, gets him to use his words, etc. The difference between her and I in this sense is that EVERYTHING he does has to have a reason/feeling/cause, and imho she focuses more on that then what he is actually doing, instead of it purely being a manipulative behavior to get attention. I have told her that he strives on positive attention and when I give it for something (using manners, offering to share a toy) he repeats that same behavior.

I really believe that she is just a stressed, tired, busy, working Mom that has too much on her plate and is only reacting to dcb's negative behavior. Dcb has now learned that at home, the squeeky wheel gets the grease. Here, I give ZERO attention to negative behavior whenever possible and reward the daylights out of good behavior.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

They probably don't discipline consistently so he is always testing them. I have a 3 yr old little girl that is like that.. although she is not an angel for me but she knows I won't let her get away with it so she is much better for me.

I've found this to always be the case when the child is a terror at home and wonderful here.

I had a child that behaved very poorly here. I suspended him, then got blamed for his bad behavior (which is a result of not being disciplined at home) and termed them immediately.

[Willow]

I'd venture to say a good quarter of the kids I've had were like this.

It's the parents problem and they don't like that, so they're trying to blame you and make it yours.


If a parent has trouble with boundaries and consistency it's not at all unusual for a child to take full advantage.


Dear Mom,

Frankly, I'm more than a little shocked at what you've just shared. Your son is by far the best behaved child in my care at the moment and aside from the obviously tumultuous pick ups (which can be the result of many things) he's been a dream to care for. He is kind, polite, listens well, eats well, naps well...there really aren't enough good things I can say about his overall behavior.

When you imply something must be going on here at daycare I do wonder what your thoughts are exactly? Nothing has changed routine wise and his behavior has remained consistent throughout. He was perfectly fine when he left on Thursday so I'm pretty concerned as that doesn't sound like him to me AT ALL. Did anything happen Friday or Saturday that might have gotten him so upset and wound up? I'm curious what sort of schedule or routine you follow that might be different than what I do here that could be throwing him off when he goes home too. Lots of children struggle if there are differences, maybe we can sort out if there's anything going on like that?

If there's anything I can do to help or assist you in getting to the bottom of this please, by all means let me know. All I can tell you based on the concern in your initial email is that for the very most part he has always been wonderfully behaved here. I hope we can work together to get to the bottom of this so things are as easy for you at home.

Sincerely,
Provider



In short - The problem is obviously yours, not mine *BUT* I'm going to be professional and sympathetic and try to help you sort out the root of your problem as a parent (not his).

[rmc20021]

I once had a boy like that as well. He was 18 months old when I got him and at the interview his mom portrayed him as being such the monster child that I spent that weekend revamping my entire daycare to accomodate him.

I actually sectioned of part of the room with like a fenced area so he couldn't get into the portion used for crafts, arts, coloring ect and disturb the kids that would be doing those activities who were older.

He was such a model child that the mom could not believe it when I told hre how good he was and I told her I would video tape him to prove it to her. He was one of the best kids I ever had and the other dck's absolutely loved him. They all looked out for him and took him under their wing as his protectors (he didn't actually need protecting, but there was just something about him they all loved so much it was unreal).

[spud912]

I will venture to say that 100% of the children act differently to an extent at daycare versus home. It's no different from how WE act differently at a work place setting versus home. At home, I tend to be a bit more OCD and controlling, whereas at a work place I tend to be laid back and nice. It's all in how a person wants to portray themselves. Plus, it's an entirely different setting. Children at home are either the only child or with different aged siblings and their parents. They may feel more comfortable and/or be more willing to test the boundaries of their parents. At daycare/preschool/school, they are with other children closer to their age and act accordingly. On top of that, many children inherently want to act "good" for their provider/teacher.

I know from my personal experience, my children tend to test me a lot at home. When they are in the care of my mom (their grandma) for whatever reason or we drop them off at the gym child watch, they act completely different (usually better behaved because they are not so inclined to test the boundaries).

But yes, I can see what you are saying...3 children who I watch in particular put on quite a show for their parents at home (I know because I hear about it later) and they would never attempt to pull those kind of stunts on me. It baffles me that these angelic children act so poorly for their parents!

If I were in your shoes, I would just explain this to the mother and hope she understands. If she cannot grasp the concept, maybe it's time to part ways.

[WImom]

That would be my DD2, age 8y but has always been like this. She is an angel at school, friends houses, etc but a terror some days at home. She has anxiety and is spirited. I think she holds it in all day and needs to let it out at home where she feels safe. It's been a long road but we know now how to control it, what she needs, etc to help her and her 2 hour screaming/throwing fits are hardly ever now or alot less and alot shorter.

[daycarediva]

I wrote her a lengthy email and cited a few parenting websites with articles relating to this.

She never responded, and she is typically very quick to email me back (within minutes) so she is probably mad. Dad said at pickup tonight that ALL dcb does at home is cry/whine and throw fits. All night, all day when he is home. I asked Dad how he behaved when they take him out. FINE.

Yup, he totally doesn't want to act like a fool in the store, but he KNOWS there are no consequences for his parents. MY FAULT!

[MissAnn]

That would be my DD2, age 8y but has always been like this. She is an angel at school, friends houses, etc but a terror some days at home. She has anxiety and is spirited. I think she holds it in all day and needs to let it out at home where she feels safe.

My daughter was the opposite. She was pretty good at home a terror at school. We ended up taking her to a psychologist and the psychologist wanted us to ask her if she had any questions about being adopted. We talked to her and we found out that she was worried that we would give her back to the adoption agency if she wasn't good. This really tore at our hearts. You never know what is going on in a kids head.

[daycarediva]

That would be my DD2, age 8y but has always been like this. She is an angel at school, friends houses, etc but a terror some days at home. She has anxiety and is spirited. I think she holds it in all day and needs to let it out at home where she feels safe. It's been a long road but we know now how to control it, what she needs, etc to help her and her 2 hour screaming/throwing fits are hardly ever now or alot less and alot shorter.

I also thought that it could be him holding behavior in/feelings in and then releasing that pent up energy at the end of the day, but he does it first thing Friday morning as well.

He hasn't always been this way, this is in the last 3ish months.

[Willow]

I also thought that it could be him holding behavior in/feelings in and then releasing that pent up energy at the end of the day, but he does it first thing Friday morning as well.

He hasn't always been this way, this is in the last 3ish months.

Wonder if something is going on at home and mom and dad are in denial, or even irritated thinking it shouldn't be bothering him?

Who watches him on the days he's not with you?