DH Does Not Respect Daycare

[DaisyMamma]

I am going to go out on a limb here and say I don't see the daycare as the issue.

Your DH is showing a lack of respect for YOU.

IMHO, That is probably where these discussions need to start.

Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to put some serious thought into this before we have a serious discussion. Because this is NOT working, nor is it fair AT ALL.

Thank you to everyone. I got a few good tips here.

Brookerroo, WOW! Are you for real? I'm so sorry....

Daycare, I think I might have to be "sick" next Wednesday!

Lovemykidstoo, MY GOD PUT THAT MAN TO WORK! LOL ::

[MyAngels]

Inside the house I typically have the opposite problem. He thinks small children are made of glass and becomes concerned that my three year olds are in boosters instead of high chairs. Nearly has a coronary when the babies learn how to roll over, then another when they learn how to crawl, then another when they learn how to walk - anticipating that means they're obviously doomed to move themselves into a the path of an oncoming bus or airplane in our very living room or something. I'm pretty sure he'd prefer they all came wrapped in bubble wrap daily

::::::

I thought I was the only one who had a DH like this.

OP I agree with Cat Herder - sounds like it's time for a discussion of the most serious sort.

[Cat Herder]

Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to put some serious thought into this before we have a serious discussion. Because this is NOT working, nor is it fair AT ALL.

I understand because I have been there before.

This would have helped me when it was time for "the talk". ::::

I bet you will find it helpful, too. Having a plan is empowering.

http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/dmtalk.html

[canadiancare]

also it is posts like this that fuel my fear as to what my husband and I will find to do with each other when we are retired.

I feel like my life has revolved around children for so long and he has been out climbing the professional ladder that our interests are really different.

At the end of the day I disinfect, make supper, load the dishwasher and then want to sit and watch crap TV.

He comes home, eats, exercises and then works on email.

I need to find us a common interest or we'll be the 2 old people waiting our lives out.

[Cat Herder]

I need to find us a common interest or we'll be the 2 old people waiting our lives out.

IME, Lingerie and Laughter works quite well. ::::::

For Real, though, Taking time out TO BE kids together, instead of just caring for kids together is working very well for me so far.

[clep]

also it is posts like this that fuel my fear as to what my husband and I will find to do with each other when we are retired.

I feel like my life has revolved around children for so long and he has been out climbing the professional ladder that our interests are really different.

At the end of the day I disinfect, make supper, load the dishwasher and then want to sit and watch crap TV.

He comes home, eats, exercises and then works on email.

I need to find us a common interest or we'll be the 2 old people waiting our lives out.

I so identify with you. My husband just changed his shift at work so he could be here helping me more with the day home for now till I close. That has been helpful for me not feeling like all I do is the household tasks as he does most of them now.

I read a book once called "The seven levels of intimacy". It shared why common interests aren't the key to a lasting happy relationship, but a common purpose is. My hubby read it too and it has changed so much for us. Once we had a common purpose things just fell into place.

Now we are onto learning each other's love languages. It never ends. ::

[Happy Hearts]

::::::When did I fall asleep and start typing??

Good lord. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this land of "Crazy".

My husband is all for me bringing money in but ask for a little respect and that's where it ends. He has begun giving my son baths over the last two years. That's pretty much it though. He doesn't help me a single bit around the house. He says he's responsible for the outside of the house. Great... it snowed 2 times last year and he had to mow all of 3 times due to the drought this summer... just recently had to start doing yard work...

He is the biggest tighta** you ever saw in your life. We still have separate bank accounts after 2 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together. He is a Senior Underwriter for a bank (where we met while I worked).

He pays the mortgage and that actually is about it. I pay all the utilities, groceries and ALL of the kids clothing/needs. If we go out to eat he usually pays about 60% of the time and expects me to pay approximately 40% of the time. I pay my own car insurance/registration/maintenance and also have to take it in myself. I have to reimburse him for my health insurance. He's supposed to split the doctors bills 50/50 with me but I have to nag, nag NAG at him for weeks to write me checks or for anything else and he usually will not pay me back until I owe him for something so that he doesn't have to pay me as much.

I stopped helping him buy gifts for his family's side of gifts because, 1. he won't do the same for me and 2. he always stiffs me paying me back after he tells me that he will. He gets his panties in a bunch because he "has to" have the health insurance come out of his paycheck. Lord knows he rides my rear end the day it comes out of his paycheck to write him the reimbursement!

He does actually get up in the morning and gets my son dressed for preschool which he drives him to. I start my first DCK around 6:45, lay him down on arrival. Get in the shower before my 7:20 kids to show. He won't even answer the phone if one of them calls because "it's not his job" and he has to get ready for his own day. He comes home at least 1 or 2 times a week from work bringing only himself lunch to eat in front of everyone. Complains about how the house is a wreck, or dck "puked" (spit up) on the carpet again. Tells me I should keep him in the superyard with a rubber lined rug under it all day.

I don't actually have issues with the gates with him luckily. He is pretty trained already since we have a 1 year old ourselves.

On two separate occasions I asked him to take something away from a child that they were not supposed to have. One was a container of unused wipes of one of the DCK's which he was trying to open and eat (my former special needs client) and the other was a burp rag while I was feeding a baby with acid reflux and his response was also... "No, that's not my job. I didn't come here to work for you. What would you do if I wasn't here?"

SERIOUSLY... Why DID you COME HOME???

God forbid this same baby spits up on "the carpet we replaced 2 years ago..." because you won't stop nagging at me how we spent $3000 on carpet that "these kids" are destroying but

1. you refuse to take your shoes off at the doors, like the rule I tried to implement because the stairs are starting to show wear and tear already and
2. you can't take 2 seconds to do something nice and supportive for your wife for once in your life like walk 3 extra steps to the burp cloths as you are walking right past them! Same ol, same ol


Chivalry really is dead... It was shot on sight in this house. ::

JERKFACE!

LOL Sometimes I wonder how I put up with him sometimes but over all we actually do have a decent marriage. SOMEHOW we work.

Terminate?

[Blackcat31]

I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!

[lil angels]

I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!

This is exactly what I was thinking I don't know how some of you put up with some of these men. I couldn't imagine. Good luck to all of you you're in my thoughts.

[countrymom]

I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!

travelling circus, thats so funny. Thats what dh is too. He does it with our own kids too, then I'm left to put them to bed, while he falls asleep on the couch !

[rhymia1]

I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!

I have to agree. My DH might not love the clutter and din, but I don't feel as if he's trying to sabotage me either. Yikes

[MarinaVanessa]

I used to have this problem at first. For the parts about him making himself something to eat, talking loudly and getting the dogs to bark etc ... well that's all just lack of common courtesy but unfortunately that's not something you'll really be able to change unless he chooses to change it. Maybe you just need to inconvenience him somehow to let him know how it feels. Now I'm not telling you to do this but I can get very creative when it comes to stuff like this.

When my hubs wasn't taking my business seriously and just being plain uncooperative I devised a brilliant plan with his boss's approval and his coworkers on board. On a day that I had no DC kids I went to his work with my DD and lunch in hand and visited him. I gave my DD specific instructions to be loud and abnoxious (he works in an office setting). I ate my lunch on his desk, left my plate and trash on it, "accidentaly" dropped food on the floor/desk/chair and didn't clean up after myself, rummaged through his pocket for his wallet while he tried talking on the phone all while my DD opened every drawer, pulled out files, made paper balls out of memos and punched buttons on his phone key pad while he was on the phone with his boss. He was mortified and we were only there for an hour before he kicked us out. His boss let him in on the secret and his office all had a good laugh about it and he did become more understanding after that. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Of course his boss and co workers are good friends of ours which is why I was able to pull it off but I'm sure you can come up with something.

As far as the other stuff that could potentially be a safety hazard ... well when it comes to my business I'm a protective mother bear. You need to VERY firmly make him understand that if ANYTHING should happen to one of the DC kids because of his negligence you can lose your career, your business and your income. YOU not him. Not to mention that you can both lose your home should you be sued.

For months I have been complaining to my DH that I needed a gate to partition off the kitchen from the rest of the house to keep the kids from going in. He has fought with me tooth and nail about how inconvenient it would be to have a gate installed. Two weeks ago my 1yo DS went into the kitchen while I was cooking and behind me managed to get the dishwasher open and pull out two very large very sharp kitchen knives and tried to poke me with one. Granted it wasn't out of violence but it scared me half to death and I was livid. If that had happened during DC hours and he would have gone after a DC child something extremely terrible could have happened. The dishwasher was locked and still my DS managed to get it opened. My DH came in while I was taking the knives out of DS's hands and I knew immediately that it had finally sunk in. I gave that man the look of death.

Somehow you just need to make him understand that leaving a gate open amongst other things can potentially ruin not only your business but your family.

[brookeroo]

Holy cow. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. God bless you.

Yes, but I fully let him know it. He knows he is also. I tell him probably weekly that we are all just living in "his world" and it all revolves around him. He doesn't deny it. I think both of our sense of humors are what gets us through it....although I do have my doubts some days. We are both financially stable. Obviously I struggle a little more. He makes probably 2.5 times what I make if not more. I just wish he was more supportive in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to change it though. He is a great father aside.

He always tells me it will be different eventually but I have to get to a point where we can sell my first home so I wont have that hanging over our heads and I have to get my car and student debt paid off...which really will not be too long from now. I don't really understand what that has to do with him helping out with finances though. I think deep down, he won't admit it, but he saw what happened to his friend and also something happened with a family member of his and he has this irrational fear and inability to trust. I've never given him any reason not to.

This house is in his name. He has financial goals and is extremely conservative about spending for the house or anyone else...
Now himself... that's a different story. He puts into savings every paycheck but also gives himself a splurge budget and doesn't change it based on needs. He goes out to lunch every single day. Won't take one I pack. Won't come home and eat.

We have a nice house now. Bought it almost 3 years ago. We have done A LOT to it. It's been a process but it really needs new windows. They are very drafty. Some of them don't have storm windows or screens at all. One has a screen cut completely out. I just had a good company offer to put in some high quality windows for wholesale and no labor because of our curb appeal if we put a sign in the yard for 90 days. They are only offering this shot for 2 weeks or they will locate another house.

Our entire 2 story house would cost us approx $2000 with this company as opposed to the $5000+ (or $2500 if we do it ourselves) it would cost us without this deal (which we are going to HAVE to do in the near future and he doesn't want to pull the trigger right now because he's too close to hitting his savings goal that he made before he does anything to the house. It literally will cost us more money to do it ourselves than if we have this company do it for us with higher quality windows. That is the way he does everything. He will pay 3 times more later for something he can afford right now. I think it's more about control.

You would choke if I told you what his savings balance goal is... He can definitely afford it. He says that we have other things higher on the priority list which we do. We need our chimney repaired which (I) got estimates on because he asked me to. He blew up at me and said he can't afford it right now. Definitely not true but I can't argue with him because he doesn't show me his savings statements which i can find in his separate unlocked filing cabinet anytime I want. LOL

I told him the other day that he could make 10 billion dollars a year and he would still make me pay half of everything. He just smiled and chuckled...

Honestly, this is the worst part of our marriage. Not that it's not a big deal but like I said, we are both financially stable. I have a really high credit score and a small savings as well as investments. Any time we talk about money it is a thorn. More or less it's really about support. He is supporting 1 person, while I am supporting 3.5, plus a business, and a rental property (which for the most part pays for itself most of the time)... on less than half the income.

I did just have to "borrow" money from him to replace the AC/Furnace & Water Heater in August at the rental property because my tenant gave notice to move in somewhere else with his girlfriend. So I had to give the tenant back his deposit and cover the mortgage with no rent coming in at the same time. My husband told me I have to pay him back in full. Actually made me sign a contract (which also included that I have to be nice to him, clean his bathroom (I don't use the Master because he makes it gross), and cook every night) LOL. He doesn't feel like financial support is his job for some reason....even though we have two kids. I don't know why. He definitely wasn't raised like that.

I could tell him what the court would think about that but I'm not going there because that is a slippery slope to get on. All aside, we are a pretty tight family. And he is an amazing father otherwise.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Yes, but I fully let him know it. He knows he is also. I tell him probably weekly that we are all just living in "his world" and it all revolves around him. He doesn't deny it. I think both of our sense of humors are what gets us through it....although I do have my doubts some days. We are both financially stable. Obviously I struggle a little more. He makes probably 2.5 times what I make if not more. I just wish he was more supportive in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to change it though. He is a great father aside.

He always tells me it will be different eventually but I have to get to a point where we can sell my first home so I wont have that hanging over our heads and I have to get my car and student debt paid off...which really will not be too long from now. I don't really understand what that has to do with him helping out with finances though. I think deep down, he won't admit it, but he saw what happened to his friend and also something happened with a family member of his and he has this irrational fear and inability to trust. I've never given him any reason not to.

This house is in his name. He has financial goals and is extremely conservative about spending for the house or anyone else...
Now himself... that's a different story. He gives himself a splurge budget and doesn't change it based on needs. He goes out to lunch every single day. Won't take one I pack. Won't come home and eat.

We have a nice house now. Bought it almost 3 years ago. We have done A LOT to it. It's been a process but it really needs new windows. They are very drafty. Some of them don't have storm windows or screens at all. One has a screen cut completely out. I just had a good company offer to put in some high quality windows for wholesale and no labor because of our curb appeal if we put a sign in the yard for 90 days. They are only offering this shot for 2 weeks or they will locate another house.

Our entire 2 story house would cost us approx $2000 with this company as opposed to the $5000+ (or $2500 if we do it ourselves) it would cost us without this deal (which we are going to HAVE to do in the near future and he doesn't want to pull the trigger right now because he's too close to hitting his savings goal that he made before he does anything to the house. It literally will cost us more money to do it ourselves than if we have this company do it for us with higher quality windows. That is the way he does everything. He will pay 3 times more later for something he can afford right now. I think it's more about control.

You would choke if I told you what his savings balance goal is... He can definitely afford it. He says that we have other things higher on the priority list which we do. We need our chimney repaired which (I) got estimates on because he asked me to. He blew up at me and said he can't afford it right now. Definitely not true but I can't argue with him because he doesn't show me his savings statements which i can find in his separate unlocked filing cabinet anytime I want. LOL

I told him the other day that he could make 10 billion dollars a year and he would still make me pay half of everything. He just smiled and chuckled...

Honestly, this is the worst part of our marriage. Like I said we are both financially stable. I have a really high credit score and a small savings as well as investments. Any time we talk about money it is a thorn. More or less it's really about support. He is supporting 1 person, while I am supporting 3.5, plus a business, and a rental property (which for the most part pays for itself most of the time)... on less than half the income. I did just have to "borrow" money from him to replace the AC/Furnace & water heater in August at the rental because my tenant gave notice to move in somewhere else with his girlfriend so I had to give him back his deposit and cover the mortgage with no rent coming in at the same time. My husband told me I have to pay him back in full. Actually made me sign a contract which also included that I have to be nice to him, clean his bathroom (I don't use the Master because he makes it gross), and cook every night (). He doesn't feel like financial support is his job...even though we have two kids. I could tell him what the court would think about that but I'm not going there because that is a slippery slope to get on. All aside, we are a pretty tight family. And he is an amazing father otherwise.

That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.

[brookeroo]

That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.

Thanks