Follow Up On Thief DCG...Opinions?

[Soccermom]

Sorry this is so long....but there is a lot of info.

Talked to DCM over the phone yesterday and DCM disclosed that DCG has been taking things from all over for the past month. DCM was unaware that this was happening until incident at my house happened. She has since discovered that this is a problem. There are more items to be returned to us today (One item in particular which my DD will be livid about..).

I talked with DCM and told her that I expect DCG to apologize to my DD and not to me as the items taken do not belong to me.

We talked a long time and DCM has discussed with a child psychologist who has told her that this probably has a lot to do with the big move they have just made and that DCG is having trouble adjusting to her new surroundings. He said in time she should hopefully adjust and things will go back to normal for DCG and her family...but what if they don't?

As an adult who has taken many psychology courses at University, I completely understand what is happening and don't blame the child..however I am also a mom and this DCG is creating a negative, anxious environment for my children to come home to.

I have always said that if a child negatively affects my children, I will term as my own children come first...I am a mom first.

I do like DCG and we had all settled into a really great routine prior to this. Everyone got along and things were good. Also at this point in the year it is near impossible to replace SA DCKs. Without her and her sister, I am out 100$per week.

My kids are already stressed about the whole thing, they have hoarded so many things into their rooms that you can hardly walk in there. To a child, having anything taken from you is a huge deal.

I have put measures in place to try to avoid her taking anything else but she can be quite sneaky..

I told DCM that if I see DCG take things, I will call her out on it quietly and have her put them back and also if DCM finds things on her or in her bag to please return them discreetly..BUT if my children SEE her take things, I will have no choice but to term because I promised my kids that if she ever took something again she would be out, and I won't go back on that promise.

What are your opinions on this whole thing? Should I have just termed on the spot or should I keep trying with this DCG?

[lovemykidstoo]

I would not term over this for several reasons. This little girl needs help. Mom is willing to work with you and her. If you both can put your heads together and help her then that will be her lifesaver. To just give her the boot and make her more stressed out might make her problem worse. You need to just implement very strict security measures. Such as absolutely no bag will be allowed in your home. I would put her coat and bag somewhere that she doesn't have access to it. That takes care of the problem of stashing toys. I never let the dck's play with my kids toys anyway. Let her only play with the designated dc toys. The only other place she could have a toy hidden is on her person (pockets). I would have mom give her a quick pat when she picks up. It's not hard to see if a child has something in her pocket. The mom doesn't really even need to let the girl know what she is doing. If she picks her up or gives her a hug she could tell if she's hiding something.

[EchoMom]

My DS is only a year old so I don't know what it's like on your children to have their things taken. My opinion, take it or leave it, is that you're being too hard on the DCG and being very emotional about it. You should be the less emotional one because it's emotional to your children. It's only been a short term problem and you say the girl has been really good until recently. I would say just give it time, remove her bag to somewhere the she has no access to without you, and check her pockets when she comes and goes. If you do these things I don't see how anything could possibly get out the door.

Maybe this is a time to talk with your own children about how to love people and forgive people. Maybe it's a teaching opportunity and character refining to your own children to forebear with this girl. Not that they just let her steal whatever she wants, as I said you should put every precaution in place.

[Angelsj]

What if your kids catch YOU allowing it to pass? Where will their trust lie in you at that point?
I don't think your decision to give her another chance, or even work with her is necessarily a bad one, but hiding it from your kids, when they already feel betrayed? That could have some incredibly long reaching consequences.

[EchoMom]

I would not term over this for several reasons. This little girl needs help. Mom is willing to work with you and her. If you both can put your heads together and help her then that will be her lifesaver. To just give her the boot and make her more stressed out might make her problem worse. You need to just implement very strict security measures. Such as absolutely no bag will be allowed in your home. I would put her coat and bag somewhere that she doesn't have access to it. That takes care of the problem of stashing toys. I never let the dck's play with my kids toys anyway. Let her only play with the designated dc toys. The only other place she could have a toy hidden is on her person (pockets). I would have mom give her a quick pat when she picks up. It's not hard to see if a child has something in her pocket. The mom doesn't really even need to let the girl know what she is doing. If she picks her up or gives her a hug she could tell if she's hiding something.

I agree, if she's already having a hard time transitioning, kicking her out of the daycare she's used to is really going to rattle her more and will make you seem totally uncompassionate to the DCM.

[Soccermom]

Keep in mind that she has taken money and other personal items from other homes.

It is not just toys that she has taken.

This is my home and I want my family to feel safe and comfortable in it.

I want to help this little girl, I feel terrible for her but I can't throw my own kids under the bus in order to help her. My 8 yo DD has a lot of anxiety and this is not helping her one bit.

[Soccermom]

I agree, if she's already having a hard time transitioning, kicking her out of the daycare she's used to is really going to rattle her more and will make you seem totally uncompassionate to the DCM.

She has only been here 4 weeks. They just moved here.

[lovemykidstoo]

Keep in mind that she has taken money and other personal items from other homes.

It is not just toys that she has taken.

This is my home and I want my family to feel safe and comfortable in it.

I want to help this little girl, I feel terrible for her but I can't throw my own kids under the bus in order to help her. My 8 yo DD has a lot of anxiety and this is not helping her one bit.

The same security measures should be in place no matter what she has taken. Doe she have free run of your entire house? My kids have limited access. They would never be allowed to get anywhere near my money or any other personal items. It sounds like your mind is made up already to term her, which is your right absolutely.

I'm really not sure though why your children are having anxiety of it though. Your kids should definately know what's going on but I think they need to be stressing themselves out over it.

[Soccermom]

The same security measures should be in place no matter what she has taken. Doe she have free run of your entire house? My kids have limited access. They would never be allowed to get anywhere near my money or any other personal items. It sounds like your mind is made up already to term her, which is your right absolutely.

I'm really not sure though why your children are having anxiety of it though. Your kids should definately know what's going on but I think they need to be stressing themselves out over it.

They eat snack and do homework in my kitchen and use our family bathrooms. They play in my family room and children's playroom in the afternoons.

I haven't made up my mind just yet, I am still trying. I just want to know if people think that I am being a crappy mom by still allowing this child to come here and take my children's things. If someone stole from you, would you want them to come back to your house? I want to do what is best for my little ones, that's all.

[lovemykidstoo]

They eat snack and do homework in my kitchen and use our family bathrooms. They play in my family room and children's playroom in the afternoons.

I haven't made up my mind just yet, I am still trying. I just want to know if people think that I am being a crappy mom by still allowing this child to come here and take my children's things. If someone stole from you, would you want them to come back to your house? I want to do what is best for my little ones, that's all.

I understand you being upset but I really think that if you limit this little girl to not bringing the backpack into the house you will get rid of a few chances she has. Let her bring her homework papers to the table. That's fine. So, to be clear when she plays in the children's playroom that is where your kids toys are? The only time this would affect your own kids is if she takes something that is theirs. If she is not playing with their own personal toys problem solved. I don't see this as much as a problem, but an important opportunity for you and her mother to help her. Maybe your kids would see it as that too.

[lovemykidstoo]

My DS is only a year old so I don't know what it's like on your children to have their things taken. My opinion, take it or leave it, is that you're being too hard on the DCG and being very emotional about it. You should be the less emotional one because it's emotional to your children. It's only been a short term problem and you say the girl has been really good until recently. I would say just give it time, remove her bag to somewhere the she has no access to without you, and check her pockets when she comes and goes. If you do these things I don't see how anything could possibly get out the door.

Maybe this is a time to talk with your own children about how to love people and forgive people. Maybe it's a teaching opportunity and character refining to your own children to forebear with this girl. Not that they just let her steal whatever she wants, as I said you should put every precaution in place.

Great post!

[sharlan]

It's great that Mom's talking to a psycologist, but what about the child? She's the one who needs the help.

I would give this child one more chance and then I would let her go. Why should your children keep being subjected to their personal belongings being stolen? What would you do if it were one of your "friends" that was coming into your home and repeatedly stealing things? Would you give yourself a lesson on turn the other cheek, forgive and forget? I doubt it.

I would make her return the stolen items directly to your children. I wouldn't allow the mom to continue to sugar coat and hide from what she's doing.

I would also take possession of her backpack when she walks through the door. I would personally take her homework out and put it back. I would not allow her to have any contact with it once she walks in with it. The same for any jacket.

[Meeko]

Keep in mind that she has taken money and other personal items from other homes.

It is not just toys that she has taken.

This is my home and I want my family to feel safe and comfortable in it.

I want to help this little girl, I feel terrible for her but I can't throw my own kids under the bus in order to help her. My 8 yo DD has a lot of anxiety and this is not helping her one bit.

I understand that the daycare child may have had some turmoil recently. But we ALL have turmoil in our lives at one time or another. That is no excuse for stealing. She is not a two year old who doesn't know what's she's doing. She's eight. Plenty old enough to know she is stealing and plenty old enough to be disciplined and face the consequences of her choices.

I wouldn't tip-toe around it. If you decide to keep the girl, she needs to know exactly what is going to happen.

She needs to know she is loved........BUT...

She needs to know that trust is gone and has to be earned back.
She needs to know she is going to be watched closely.
She needs to know she will get a deliberate pat down at pick up whether she likes it or not.
She needs to know that your daughter is very unhappy with her.
She needs to know that her choice of toys to play with is very limited.

Personally, I would also tell her that the police will be called if she steals as much as fluff off the rug.

Then she needs to begin the long hard climb back to being trusted and respected. It's a hard life lesson, but she needs to learn it NOW. Treading lightly around the child and putting it down to outside problems etc. etc. will only mean trouble later on when she is older and the consequences are so much harder.

The problem needs nipped in the bud right now. Either let her go, or be willing to issue some very tough love.

If you keep her enrolled, let your daughter know exactly what is going to happen. Let her know that people deserve a second chance, but that you put her first and will be diligent in making sure her things are safe. Tell her you will term care if the girl steps out of line.

I would not hush-hush a thing. The girl needs to know that feeling uncomfortable/embarrassed etc. are part of the consequences of doing something wrong.

She can still be loved, and have fun at your home and be accepted...but she needs to take responsibility. Cushioning her feelings will do her no good whatsoever in the long run.

[Meeko]

It's great that Mom's talking to a psycologist, but what about the child? She's the one who needs the help.

I would give this child one more chance and then I would let her go. Why should your children keep being subjected to their personal belongings being stolen? What would you do if it were one of your "friends" that was coming into your home and repeatedly stealing things? Would you give yourself a lesson on turn the other cheek, forgive and forget? I doubt it.

I would make her return the stolen items directly to your children. I wouldn't allow the mom to continue to sugar coat and hide from what she's doing.

I would also take possession of her backpack when she walks through the door. I would personally take her homework out and put it back. I would not allow her to have any contact with it once she walks in with it. The same for any jacket.

Ditto

[lovemykidstoo]

I understand that the daycare child may have had some turmoil recently. But we ALL have turmoil in our lives at one time or another. That is no excuse for stealing. She is not a two year old who doesn't know what's she's doing. She's eight. Plenty old enough to know she is stealing and plenty old enough to be disciplined and face the consequences of her choices.

I wouldn't tip-toe around it. If you decide to keep the girl, she needs to know exactly what is going to happen.

She needs to know she is loved........BUT...

She needs to know that trust is gone and has to be earned back.
She needs to know she is going to be watched closely.
She needs to know she will get a deliberate pat down at pick up whether she likes it or not.
She needs to know that your daughter is very unhappy with her.
She needs to know that her choice of toys to play with is very limited.

Personally, I would also tell her that the police will be called if she steals as much as fluff off the rug.

Then she needs to begin the long hard climb back to being trusted and respected. It's a hard life lesson, but she needs to learn it NOW. Treading lightly around the child and putting it down to outside problems etc. etc. will only mean trouble later on when she is older and the consequences are so much harder.

The problem needs nipped in the bud right now. Either let her go, or be willing to issue some very tough love.

If you keep her enrolled, let your daughter know exactly what is going to happen. Let her know that people deserve a second chance, but that you put her first and will be diligent in making sure her things are safe. Tell her you will term care if the girl steps out of line.

I would not hush-hush a thing. The girl needs to know that feeling uncomfortable/embarrassed etc. are part of the consequences of doing something wrong.

She can still be loved, and have fun at your home and be accepted...but she needs to take responsibility. Cushioning her feelings will do her no good whatsoever in the long run.

Excellent advice!