A Parent's Perspective

[Golden Rule]

Golden, how touching. Thank you for sharing a very hard story. My deepest thoughts and condolences to you.

But your story is exactly why I think most providers get upset with parents who don't seem to want to spend time with their kids. NOT the parents who honestly have to work to put food on the table but those who take excessive time off and never once spend a day with their kids.

YOUR story cements in my, and I hope other people's minds, that you just never know. And that is why we MUST take every opportunity to offer our children our TIME. They are only little (and in some cases on this earth) for such a short time. We need to embrace every single second we can with them.

I fully agree with you. I know people come in here and read our rants and think we are being judgemental and mean, but truly it is more about us wearing our hearts on our shoulders. We understand what they are missing and the price they may pay. The perception that we are in it for "easy money" is laughable at best.

I totally agree with you Judy.

I know there are parents who do leave their children in care when they are taking care of personal business.....and when that is a regular occurrence, it is very disheartening to realize that a parent considers "me time" more important than being with and caring for their child. I am grateful that I do not have parents who do that....they all pick up a.s.a.p. because they value their time with their children and families.

Golden's story is a great reminder for parents that you should not waste those precious moments.....hold them, love them, BE with them every single moment possible.

Thanks again Golden for sharing, you have clearly touched us all.

Thank you, again. I am glad my intent was understood... It is easy to be misinterpreted in text, especially on such touchy subject matter. Motherhood is guilt, period, no matter how well you do or do not do it . (My mom has to remind me of that every Christmas as I look at the gifts under the tree, knowing than their friends have more. That is the only thing that is obvious to me, and it really does not matter a bit to anyone else. ) I do not intend to make it worse, just make a few folks stop and think.

I adore my families and am grateful to have them, otherwise I might not have such a wonderful family life.

Golden Rule -
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a miscarriage over 17 years ago (my first child) and I still think about her all the time. You can get over most things in life, but you can never "get over" or really "heal" from losing a child. My heart goes out to you.

Years ago, I saw a lengthy explanation of the reality of having a second income. It cemented my stance that I would do whatever it takes to be at home with my children. Basically, once you tally up the payments on the second care, the car insurance, the gas and upkeep, the clothing expenses, the higher taxes (higher income usually equals a higher tax bracket), eating out more often (who has the energy to cook a meal from scratch working 8 hours and commuting for 1 hour and running errands for an hour, plus the lunch hour or half hour), child care costs, etc, the second income has been reduced to pennies on the dollar. You may THINK you're making $12 per hour, but after taxes and the costs of working (childcare, gas, etc.), you're only making $1 - 2 per hour. So, I don't think it is worth it for a few bucks. My time with my DD is worth more than that. But most people don't actually sit down and crunch the numbers, so they think they NEED to work.

I feel the same way. And then I feel like I'm an enabler. After being in the corporate world for most of my adult life, it appeared that most women WANTED to be at-home moms, but felt they HAD to work. Then there's the whole attitude that if you aren't working outside the home, you are JUST A MOM. UGH, I hate that saying! I know there are women that claim they could not handle being with their children all day. In those situations, for Pete's sake, keep the kids in daycare with someone who can "handle" them and love them. But, I wish we would do more in this country to support mothers being home with their children for longer periods.

I just wish more women felt that they had a CHOICE and that making the choice to be at home would not open them up to ridicule for "not being productive" by having a "job" or "career". I made my choice and sometimes feel the judgment of others that I'm somehow less than what I was when I worked outside the home.

Time is our most precious resource and it slips away very quickly. I wish every mother could be home with their child all the time, if they want to.

Love this. I, too, feel guilt for accepting them. It is weird, but I do. I also feel like I am being put on the spot and judged when people ask the dreaded question..."so, what do you do?" They seem to dismiss me as somehow less important...maybe it is just in my head, IDK? I just have to remind myself that at every funeral I have ever attended (way too many), the only people that actually had any connection to the deceased were the children, and their seats at those prosperous careers were filled the very next day.

[judytrickett]

I just have to remind myself that at every funeral I have ever attended (way too many), the only people that actually had any connection to the deceased were the children, and their seats at those prosperous careers were filled the very next day.

Quote of the day!

Seriously, Golden, THAT is the quote of the day! I tell people this ALL the time. I ALWAYS say you will Never, Ever go to your death bed and say, "you know, I wished I had worked more and spent less time with my kids". It doesn't happen. People go to their death bed with regrets. Well, NOT me. I will not have regrets when it comes to my kids. If I breathe my last breath KNOWING that my kids know I loved them then that is all I need. I am happy and feel I did my job here on this earth.

[QualiTcare]

both of my children started daycare when they were six weeks old and i don't have one regret. in fact, i think it's healthy for them and for me.

they always went to daycare so they never knew staying at home all day was even an option. they never threw a fit when i dropped them off. my daughter couldn't wait to start kindergarten.

that doesn't mean i don't "want" my kids or spend enough time with them. if they weren't at daycare, they were with me. they don't spend the night anywhere EVER. i really don't see it being any different than school. they go to school about 40 hours a week starting in kindergarten - so what's the difference in mom going to work 40 hours a week prior to kindergarten? i think it's good preparation - there's nothing worse than a 5 year old that's never spent a day away from their mom when you're trying to teach 20 kids.

also, there's a huge double standard about working moms. working moms are "missing out" or "don't try enough to make it work" etc. but working dads (even if they work 70-80 hours) are "good men" and "workaholics." so, it's okay if a man wants to work in a daycare and change diapers, but if a woman wants to work all the time....she's missing out? doesn't realize what she's doing? i dunno. help me out.

i just stopped keeping my last daycare kid a couple of weeks ago so i could get a job outside of the home (where i'll make LESS money) so it has nothing to do with the money - it has to do with some women/mothers having the desire to :::gasp::: spend time away from home, socialize with adults, and be HAPPY if that's what makes them (and me) happy. i'm a BETTER mother when i work away from home because i have time to miss my kids and look forward to seeing them.

[Golden Rule]

both of my children started daycare when they were six weeks old and i don't have one regret. in fact, i think it's healthy for them and for me.

Golden Rule:
I am sorry I upset you, it was not my intent. My story is that I do live with regrets, everyday. That is all. You do not have to agree with me, that is just what happened to me. Personally. Please don't take it as an attack.


that doesn't mean i don't "want" my kids or spend enough time with them.

Golden Rule:
I never intended to make anyone feel that way. I do not even believe that.

there's nothing worse than a 5 year old that's never spent a day away from their mom when you're trying to teach 20 kids.

Golden Rule:
Could not agree more.

also, there's a huge double standard about working moms. working moms are "missing out" or "don't try enough to make it work" etc. but working dads (even if they work 70-80 hours) are "good men" and "workaholics." so, it's okay if a man wants to work in a daycare and change diapers, but if a woman wants to work all the time....she's missing out? doesn't realize what she's doing? i dunno. help me out.

Golden Rule:
I agree there are double standards. I understand and respect your point of view, not all moms are intended to be stay at home moms. My personal issue was that I never even tried and will live with that regret for the rest of my life. I was not really debating your personal decision or the world at large. At least not on purpose..... My goal was to let people know that being a stay at home mom can be done. It is not impossible. Nothing more. My husband even searched for and accepted a position that allows him to be here 3 days a week. It is a lifestyle choice that we made and worked together for.


it has to do with some women/mothers having the desire to :::gasp::: spend time away from home, socialize with adults, and be HAPPY if that's what makes them (and me) happy. i'm a BETTER mother when i work away from home because i have time to miss my kids and look forward to seeing them.

I am glad that makes you happy and a better mother. Please don't take that as sarcastic. I mean it. Both of my younger sisters and my SIL feel the same as you.

I, personally, just feel differently. From my perspective, I will have years after they move on with their adult lives....my career is just on hold.

[QualiTcare]

Golden Rule,

i wasn't addressing you - i don't know why you thought i was, but i wasn't - sorry if it seemed that way.

there are a lot of people who think women should be at home with their kids even though they want to be liberated which i personally find ironic.

anyhow, i was saying in general to everyone - not you!

[Unregistered]

I married later in life (35), wasn't able to have my own children but I have a wonderful stepson who is turning 33 tomorrow...after I had lived here with my now husbans for 1 1/2 years, I was laid off from my job and spent a year trying desparately to get a job...no luck and since I absolutely love children, I thought about starting my own home daycare...I eventually did and my stepson was able to stay with us on school holidays and throught the summer which I think was a vast improvement over some of the places his mother left him...

In time, he married (very young) and he and his wife have 12 year old twin boys... she also has a boy who is turning 18 tomorrow....when she was facing going back to work, none of us could stand the idea of the babies going to someone else so they drove them the 35 - 40 minutes to our house every day! When they started kindergarten on every other day, my husband would go down after work to get them off the bus and they'd sleep over here every other night to try to save their parents the drive.

When they started full time school, my husband still got them off the bus and waited with them until one of their parents got home..when their mom's work hours changed to early hours and they had to have someone get them ON the bus, my husband was able to change his hours so he could rush down and get them on the bus...whew...that was a lot of driving, changing hours and whatever but we have three boys who are super close to us as well as their parents and we'd never trade a minute to have this bond with them...

Sometimes , it does take a village ...or in this case....some nutty grandparents to raise a child....LOL! Just one story of how overwhelming love for the care and concern of your kids can make the decision to sacrifice whatever you have to to keep them safe and loved....

[Golden Rule]

Golden Rule,

i wasn't addressing you - i don't know why you thought i was, but i wasn't - sorry if it seemed that way.

there are a lot of people who think women should be at home with their kids even though they want to be liberated which i personally find ironic.

anyhow, i was saying in general to everyone - not you!

Sorry......

A few of your quotes just seemed, to me, to paraphrase what I had said out of context.

I love this forum and am a new member. I will get the flow of it, eventually, I promise....::