A Parent's Perspective

[Crystal]

There have recently been several heated discussions amongst providers here, usually related to irritation with daycare families, with some providers here frequently assuming/expecting the worst of the families in their programs, and some who frequently voice their thoughts on how we feel providers shouldn't be so quick to judge.

I have been thinking about it alot, and while I admit that there are times that I am too "outspoken" about my thoughts on the subject, I realize that without the families in my program, I wouldn't have a business. I started giving more thought to how my parents feel about having no choice but to drop their child off at daycare every day. I have wonderful families, and they frequently tell me how much they value and appreciate my work with their children, but I know that when they first started here, it wasn't quite so easy to drop off with a quick hug and goodbye every morning......over time, after building trust and a partnership in the early care and education of their children, they have come to see me as a driving force in the well-being of their children.

So, anyways, it was very timely to receive an email about a new book:

http://www.ccie.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=4000523

I just ordered it and am very interested in reading it.

Curious though, how you all feel....how do you think your parents, as well as potential clients who have never used child care before, feel and what do they think about child care in general? What is their perspective about having to put their children's well-being in the hands of a person other than themselves every day?

[AmandasFCC]

Well, I am blessed with a group of families who tell me regularly how much they value me as a "professional" so I count myself very lucky. I can't imagine how difficult it is as a parent to drop a child off at daycare and go off to work as I've never done it. Shortly after my daughter was born I made the decision to do daycare and I still am not comfortable with the idea of someone else having her all day. This came back to me today, as yesterday I was thinking since I've had bad luck keeping families due to different circumstances (no one has ever left unhappy with me thankfully) that I might go back to work. Then at nap time today I put my daughter down, tucked her in, gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I loved her. How could I go to work every day without that??? It may seem silly but I don't want anyone else putting her to bed every day .

That said, I still get frustrated when I'm turning down families left right and centre who need care so they can work, and here I am with 3 spaces paid for but rarely used because the parents don't want to lose me. Yes I should take that as a compliment, and I absolutely do, but I've also got 3 spaces for 4yo's and up that I can't fill, and could have with these other families with multiple children ...

I dunno if that makes sense ....

What do I think people think of child care?? Well, that I can't answer. Reading posts it becomes clear that a lot of people have had a lot of bad experiences, myself included, with people who don't think about the fact that I'm doing this TO MAKE A LIVING, and thus they make decisions without giving any notice, without any thought to the provider, or MOST importantly, to how it will affect their kids.

NO I do not go into every relationship with that on my shoulder, I absolutely refuse to judge everyone by the bad experiences that I've had because, like I said, I've got 3 kids in care whose parents pay good money just to be sure their kids can come to ME.



Wow ... I went on a little rant there and I apologize ... I hope the tone of that is understood to be generally that I appreciate the families I have .

[Crystal]

Awesome! Thanks for a thoughtful reply

I LOVE what you said about putting your daughter down for nap.....makes our job totally worth it, doesn't it?

And, that is what I mean by a parent's perspective....how would you feel as a parent being faced with putting your own child in care....it's not a pleasant thought is it? And probably a less than pleasant experience for many.

This comment: Shortly after my daughter was born I made the decision to do daycare and I still am not comfortable with the idea of someone else having her all day. sums up your perspective nicely

[MarinaVanessa]

Well because I had my daughter in DC for a while I know what it's like to have to drop your child off with someone. Did I want to do it? No. Did I HAVE to it? Yes. I needed to pay my bills. I was lucky enough to land a job as an apartment manager when she was first born (up to six months) and that came with a studio apt, rent free, utilities free and a little extra income. It was great to have her with me while I "worked". When that didn't work out (bad tenants and a new owner that was a slum lord ) I found work elsewhere and had to leave her at a daycare. The only thing that I found was retail. I gladly paid the full-time rate even though I only used 3 days (the other two were on weekends but my mother cared for her on those days) and I missed her sooo much.

I also had a bad experience with the first DC that I had her in (grown up TV on, no schedule, no rules, no discipline etc) but because I knew them and I didn't want a "stranger" looking after her I ****ed it up. I ended up leaving that daycare when after a few months she began to complain about my schedule. Our agreement was that I pay full-time as long as I was allowed to only bring her 3 days a week and I gave her my schedule when I got it (two weeks in advance). This became difficult for her and so I was recommended another provider by my fiance. I was immediately impressed. She was absolutely awsome. She was firm, open, friendly, and checked my daughter. She was the one that gave me the idea to open my own daycare and helped me every step of the way. Even now we see each other frequently (she lives near me) and we refer clients to each other. I learned from her and from my bad experiences and with this I made the decision of what kind of provider I wanted to be.

I made a list of what was important to me (payment on time, being picked up on time, no one distroying my home and things, safety etc) and decided that I had to be firm with these. Everything else can be negotiated on a case by case basis. I am naturally friendly (but can be sarcastic ) and I enjoy doing people favors like providing care on a weekend or late evening (for an extra fee of course ) and would rather work with families if I can rather than simply terminating them immediately. Yes sometimes families peeve me but that's what I have this forum for . It's my way to vent.

And for those that think that "providers" complain alot about our clients ... when has anybody ever not said something negative about their jobs? I've had plenty of jobs that I loved that I also nagged about but I loved them just the same and this is no different. I think it's natural and human to express frustrations and feelings to vent it out.

I think about it like this ... how many of us will take the time to give an employee at Target or Lowe's a great compliment by calling a hotline number to say how easy an entire shopping experience or transaction happened when the reality is that mistakes do happen, lines do get long (bad economy & not enough for payroll) and things get misplaced and mispriced. Now compare that to how many of us are quick to ask for a manager or write an email or call the hotline number to make a complaint on a store or employee because of something went wrong?? For whatever reason us people are more likely to complain about something than to compliment something. That's just the way it is. I go to the parent's forum and read more "complaints" about daycares than I do compliments so I guess it works both ways. Just because parent's want to vent also and need advice doesn't mean that they are bad clients.

[DBug]

When I first started, I based my setup on what I would want as a parent, if I had to take my child to daycare everyday. Flexible hours (hence my 12 hour days ), structured care, healthy food, preschool-type activities, potty learning, lots of outdoor time, no tv, ... all the way down to the little things like being able to pick up a clean, freshly changed baby at home time, and not having to wait around while kids clean up the toys before they leave (we do it earlier in the day).

I would hate to have to take my kids to daycare everyday. And I hope that offering the kind of care I would want has made it easier for my dc parents to leave their kids with me everyday. And since words like "Godsend" have been tossed around occasionally , I think it's working.

[originalkat]

When I went back to work after having my oldest (now 5 yrs. old)...I only worked for two weeks. For me it just did not feel right to leave her every day for so many hours(even with family). Even though financially it was tough, I quit my job and was a stay-at-home mom for 2 years until opening my family childcare business. I have worked in childcare centers my entire working life(from the time I was 16) and I KNEW that was NOT where my kids would grow up. Home Childcare is a much better option, but nothing is better than mom

I hate to think of what parents must feel having to bring their children every day. I can tell it hurts some mom's hearts. Others have the look of relief to get away if you know what I mean. Some spend all the time off they have with their child while others take vacation time AWAY from their kids and take days off without them. I think that is where it gets hard for me to understand. Their sweet precious ones are at daycare when the parent could be spending those times (when they are off work) investing their heart, time, values, and life into their child.

Thanks for sharing the book link. I love reading books like that!

[MarinaVanessa]

After this post I went to care courses and wouldn't you know ... the next course that I need to take is called "Parent's and Child Care" Is that wierd or what?

Maybe I'll learn something that I can post.

[My4SunshineGirlsNY]

I didn't look at the link but wanted to say real quick I for one have a VERY tough time leaving my kids with someone else, especially if I didn't know them...hence is why I do daycare. I have a hard time passing on my responsibility to someone else all day long knowing it's a lot of work...but I understand a lot of moms need to in order to provide financialy to the family and don't have the option to stay home.

I feel happy to occupy the kids while their parents are at work and give them their needs and help them learn as they grow as a job.....as long as the parent seems to appreciate, I feel it's a job well done and have more motivation to work harder. When I get the feeling a parent could care less, it drives my motivation down..I know it's not the child's fault and I treat them all with respect...but when I get a parent that doesn't show appreciation or could care less their child acts up or not, I do slack off a bit.

I really feel bad for the parents that wish they could be with their child but have no choice than to leave them to go to work somewhere....that's what motivates me as a child care provider to strive harder and go that extra for the kids....

I have had my children in daycare while I worked part time and I just felt super guilty the whole time I left....I wonder if I have a bad issue here? It's so easy for some to just drop and leave but I have a very tough time passing all that responsibility on to someone else, even if that's what they do for a living. Maybe it's because I never had to have them in daycare full time and I'm used to being with them.

I do feel bad for some mom's though..even though I know I do a great job with the kids when they are here, it does get VERY busy and I have to ignore one to take care of another and it gets tough on the child, even with a great provider. Some days I thank my lucky stars my kids don't have to be in daycare. Just for the attention aspect of it.

[jen]

I've been on both sides of the fence. When I was a dcp I did find it very hard to leave my kids in care. I could NOT wait to pick up my son at the end of the day...I actually remember feeling giddy as I would get close to his daycare. Not that I was a perfect dcp, looking back there are things I wished I'd have done differently had I known then what I know now. Mostly things like brining snack once in awhile or sending a little thank you here and there. My parents do that for me and I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate it.

I also paid for full time care because I liked the provider, but only brought my child when I absolutely had to. We worked different shifts when we could to minimize his time in care. We sacrificed in other ways to make certain that the provider and later the center that we used was absolutely the best it could be.

It seems to me that the parents that I often read complaints about are not the parents who are doing everything they can to spend the most amount of time with thier kids, but the parents who are stretching the limits of care and the providers patience in order to get the most bang for thier buck. Most of the providers I see posting here may complain about a particular family but go on to state how many truly "golden" families that they are blessed to have as well.

I also think that there are a few providers on here who enjoy making other providers feel badly for venting about a family or choosing to terminate. There seems to be some sort of expectation that we should martyr ourselves for the good of the child...when in fact, keeping a child or family that isn't a good fit isn't really doing anyone any favors.

[professionalmom]

I do not think I could leave my DD (or my twins, when they are born) in the care of another person. My mom and my mother-in-law have watched her a couple times each. I just always knew that I would be a stay-at-home mom and decided to do this to make that a reality. I love children and find their innocence and wonderment to be so much more refreshing compared to the dog-eat-dog corporate world. As I always said, I can handle a 2 year old acting like a 2 year old, but I can't stand a full grown adult acting like a 2 year old.

Before I actually started doing daycare, I knew that there are some parents out there that seem to view their children as a burden or as some ornament in their life. You know the ones where the child's life will revolve around the parents' life, not the parent adjusting their life to fit the needs of their child. I also knew that there are abusive and neglectful parents. However, I thought these "less than great" parents only made up 5% of the population. After having a number of these types of parents, I have realized that I underestimated this figure. I am really shocked at how high that figure really is. Although it is not a majority, it's still frightening. Parenting is not something that comes natural to everyone and some people are just not very good at it. For instance, I had a young, single mom who was pregnant with her 3rd child (oldest was 3 years old). She had 2 boys and desperately wanted a girl. The day after her big 20 week ultrasound, she came to drop off and told me it was another boy and that she was considering an abortion! I almost offered to adopt the poor unborn baby right then and there! I have been shocked and stunned by parents like this over the past 2 years that I have been in business. So, when I post a "vent" or something like that, it is merely out of utter frustration at how SOME parents can be. However, I have had some great gems. This next weekend will be my last with one such gem families. I would beg and grovel to get them to stay, but they are moving out of state, so it would be pointless.

We all need to vent once in a while. And it is true, we (humans) tend to vent our frustrations much easier and more frequently than we compliment. Also when I vent, most of the time, it's not for me. It's for the children and the pain I feel for THEM to have the parents that they have. Just like it doesn't bother me that parents bring their kids when the parent is off work. But it does bother me that the poor child is needlessly missing mom and/or dad. How sad would it be if your parents preferred to dump you on someone else rather than spend time with you on his/her day off? If I were the child, I would wonder if mom or dad really loves me. It just breaks my heart. That's why I vent - because the child often can't.

[Janet]

A matter of trust

I've been in the position of having my daughter in daycare and what it came down to when choosing a daycare, I really relied my intuition to decide who would best care for my baby when I couldn't be there. When I chose her provider (the second one, the first daycare was a living nightmare), I felt so lucky to have her in my daughter's life! She totally loved her and it showed. I have nothing but love for the providers who do their best to care for their dcks and give the moms and dads peace of mind when they have to work.

I'm blessed with families that appreciate the effort that I put into giving their children an awesome daycare experience. It's important for me to help to put the parents at ease, because I know how hard it is to drop your little one off at daycare and then go to work when you would much rather hang out with your offspring! I'm humbled by the fact that the parents trust me completely, and I don't take that trust lightly. All that being said, I don't beat myself up if I have an occassion where I rant and rave because sometimes it happens. None of us are above it I just remember that it's never outside of myself and if I check myself when I'm feeling really frustrated or angry, I can see that I co-created the experience and then once I've accepted my accountability, then I can address the issue (if it is even there anymore!) with the parents with a level head.

I'm a lucky woman, I'm in a profession that I chose to have for myself and my families are golden. What more could I ask for?

[MommyMuffin]

I love IT

I love your post. I am a parent who has to put my daughter in daycare and I cry everyday stil, she is 2. I am in the process of getting licensed because I love children. I want my future parents to know I have been there, I know it is hard and I will try my best to remember that "YOU" are the parent and not me. I know you can say "well she will see how it is when she is a provider." Most parents do not want to leave their children and are forced to. It hurts to hear your child say "go to **** house" on a saturday when you have been waiting all week to be with them. It breaks my heart. Now dont get me wrong I am happy she is so comfortable there, but it is hard for parents no matter how great you are. I hope to remember this when I open my daycare.

[Crystal]

I love your post. I am a parent who has to put my daughter in daycare and I cry everyday stil, she is 2. I am in the process of getting licensed because I love children. I want my future parents to know I have been there, I know it is hard and I will try my best to remember that "YOU" are the parent and not me. I know you can say "well she will see how it is when she is a provider." Most parents do not want to leave their children and are forced to. It hurts to hear your child say "go to **** house" on a saturday when you have been waiting all week to be with them. It breaks my heart. Now dont get me wrong I am happy she is so comfortable there, but it is hard for parents no matter how great you are. I hope to remember this when I open my daycare.

Wonderful! Best wishes in your new endeavor as a Childcare Professional!

[Crystal]

I LOVE your responses....thank you all and PLEASE keep them coming!

[Golden Rule]

I hesitated responding because my story has made a few moms decide not to return to work over the years. I still tell it to all my prospective parents since, in my view, that is not a bad outcome. Sure it costs me income for a few more days while I interview the next person on my waiting list, but over-all I am happy for another mom whom "found a way to stay" and often sign on as a back-up.

When I was a first time mom I "had" to send my son to daycare to complete my education. I "had to", in my own mind, give up some time with him, I felt he would not remember anyway, to give him a better future. I had him after less than a year of marriage, a bit earlier than I had planned, and I thought I was making the best choice for our family.

I had to be back in class in 6 weeks or risk failing out, so I had him in care at 6 weeks old. When he was 6 months he died in his crib, in daycare. No warning, no symptoms, just gone, forever. SIDS. I had only been given 6 months with him and I gave it away, without even trying another plan. I live with that every day. I had been so confident that it was for him so I rationalized he would "be fine", that "everyone does it"..... That was what our culture had taught me, that was what I believed.

I know there are people that must go to work, that is why I am in business, but if I change one mind every so often I feel like I am helping a bit. Being in home daycare has made it possible for me to be home with my children while still earning an income to provide them a future.