Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[My3cents]

"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."

wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will ....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.

Many men are like this. They feel entitled to a life with out the wife. UGH!!!

[My3cents]

Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.

YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.

AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.

I think it could be defined real quick.......GET OFF YOUR BLEEP AND START HELPING OUT IN THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN

It is simple.......if you don't want to help out and have pride in the house you live in good luck finding someone to do it all for you. I am not that person. Make a decision. Goes back to having a backbone. On the flip side of it, make sure your doing your part. For me personally we don't keep a tally, we just both try to do our best and leave the rest.

[My3cents]

Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball." :: They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.
It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.

They are when it suits them. Why do you have to tell your partner to do things that he knows needs to be done. I agree you need to talk and have good communication but when the trash stinks and they smell it too, no.....get off your bleep and help out. I think a lot of women don't want to rock the boat in fear of hub leaving them, or for the sake of the kids......or its womens work. Many men to this day still believe women should do this or that.......and take off their boots when they come home and have a hot meal on the table. Bullbleep- I believe they see us handing it so well and know they have it good so why bother.... I am lucky I have a great hubby.

[My3cents]

Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.

I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.

Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.

We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.

There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.

My husband works hard..... but he see's so many young men coming into work that have family's to take care of and they last a day and are done, some walk out. Not all......but a lot!!! Young kids that can't keep up. They are lazy, don't want to listen to authority, rules, and can't get out of bed in the morning. Sad. It's easier for them to go get assistance then it is to hold down a job. Nan is right, it is work, boring, tiring(won't leave any time to play video games, or whatnot) they would just rather have another kid and get more money from the state. SAD Government will give you more then a hard working job will these days- so why bother.

[daycare]

I think it could be defined real quick.......GET OFF YOUR BLEEP AND START HELPING OUT IN THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN

It is simple.......if you don't want to help out and have pride in the house you live in good luck finding someone to do it all for you. I am not that person. Make a decision. Goes back to having a backbone. On the flip side of it, make sure your doing your part. For me personally we don't keep a tally, we just both try to do our best and leave the rest.

my3cents....

I do understand what you are saying...Get off your butt and do it...Easier said than done. Although, that is what we are striving for.

I think that this thread is hardly understood by many unless you truly understand that cultural differences can cause a lot of strain on a relationship.

Just so happens that the OP and I have married into the same culture, one that is well known for the mothers and fathers doing everything for their children, even in to adult hood. they have no sense of reality or what it takes to run a house hold, because their parents enabled them . I have yet to completely understand why parents of this culture do this, but I am trying.

When you are dealing with cultural differences, it takes a lot of communication, compromising, teaching, accepting, and discovering. How can you expect someone to do something, if they have never had to do it their entire life? YOu have to show them and tell them your expectations and it all takes time.

My husband is far from lazy, he has worked his tail end off, up until his acceptance into medical school. Now that he is home more, I have expectation from him I didn't before. I have to remind him all of the time what his role is in our house.

We do share the responsibilities for the most part now, and we work together. BUT he still is clueless about a lot of stuff. Saddest part is that he is 40 years old. He does not even know how to apply for a credit card......Obvioulsy, my husband is not stupid, he was never taught how because his mom did (and sometimes) does it all for him.

I think I can speak on the OPs behalf as well when I say that I have had to force my husband to grow up and take on adult responsibilities and learn about reality.

Ugh I got side tracked here

[SunshineMama]

my3cents....

I do understand what you are saying...Get off your butt and do it...Easier said than done. Although, that is what we are striving for.

I think that this thread is hardly understood by many unless you truly understand that cultural differences can cause a lot of strain on a relationship.

Just so happens that the OP and I have married into the same culture, one that is well known for the mothers and fathers doing everything for their children, even in to adult hood. they have no sense of reality or what it takes to run a house hold, because their parents enabled them . I have yet to completely understand why parents of this culture do this, but I am trying.

When you are dealing with cultural differences, it takes a lot of communication, compromising, teaching, accepting, and discovering. How can you expect someone to do something, if they have never had to do it their entire life? YOu have to show them and tell them your expectations and it all takes time.

My husband is far from lazy, he has worked his tail end off, up until his acceptance into medical school. Now that he is home more, I have expectation from him I didn't before. I have to remind him all of the time what his role is in our house.

We do share the responsibilities for the most part now, and we work together. BUT he still is clueless about a lot of stuff. Saddest part is that he is 40 years old. He does not even know how to apply for a credit card......Obvioulsy, my husband is not stupid, he was never taught how because his mom did (and sometimes) does it all for him.

I think I can speak on the OPs behalf as well when I say that I have had to force my husband to grow up and take on adult responsibilities and learn about reality.

Ugh I got side tracked here

Yes... This exactly!

[cheerfuldom]

I read this thread yearterday and thought about it all day.

I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!)

I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.

that said.....

I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.

Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.

I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER

I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.

His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...

The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.

I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.

Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....

I really love that book! It has a very realistic approach to finding the arrangement that works for you in your relationship. I dont have any problem with what you do for your husband....if you two are happy and that is what works for you, so be it. But the point I have been saying over and over is that there isnt one arrangement that is the perfect balance of everything for every person. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! I hope you and your husband have many many years together! I think you are very wise in seeing that your relationship WILL evolve as time goes on, as you start a family, if you continue working after children are born and it is important to be aware of communicating as your needs change. The things that you do now for your husband may not be realistic ten years down the road.

[cheerfuldom]

I agree!!

And why do the men get excused because "things have changed" but I don't get excused from the work? LIke the PP said, society thrust me into the position of having to be a working mom...I certainly didn't ask for it. However, I have taken that responsibility and run with it because it is best for my family. Men might not have asked to help with the 'nurturing' and home care, however it is what today's society requires of them for an equal partnership within the family. I step up, and I expect my husband to step up too. Neither of us can shirk our responsibilities and get away with blaming the women's movement 40 years ago. Regardless, the work still needs to be done and I refuse to be a martyr for my husband.

yup yup yup. Several times (in past years, not recently), my husband has tried to pull the "womens work" type thing when chores and children come up. I always say that I would be happy to take over all those things (and I would) assuming I could quit my job of 50 hours a week. Strangely he has never taken me up on that. He doesnt want all the responsibility of the income needed for a family of five....and if I am working daycare, I shouldnt have all the household and family responsibility.

[cheerfuldom]

(...again, I have to hug my DH)

I just wanted to comment on the fact that my DH is my partner in everything because his mother raised him to be that way. She had 5 boys and each of them learned to take care of themselves. She taught them how to cook, how to clean and even how to sew. She taught her boys the same skills everyone should know how to do. Self sufficiency skills. They knew how to shop for both groceries and tires. They knew how to clean a cut and bandage it properly as well as how to change the oil. They were taught how to clean the bathroom as well as mowing the lawn. She taught them to know how to fix the washing machine and how to use it too.

My DH's mother ran a 24 hour daycare so they also learned how to care for babies and help toddlers too. They learned things from their mother and I for one appreciate that ALOT.

I am not my MIL's biggest fan but I will give her credit until the day I die that she raised a great man.

We didn't split our chore lists up or delegate roles as to who was suppose to do what or anything like that. We simply learned to do what needed to get done and do it. He doesn't wait for me to wash his work clothes (he knows how to himself) and I wouldn't dream of just sitting back and waiting for him to change my oil (I know how to do that myself) but we do let each other do the things we are both best at or prefer to do. I HATE changing the oil so he does it, I usually do the laundry because I like my favorite clothing items to be available when I want them...LOL!!

Either way, what I am trying to say is we don't have designated roles or duties in our relationship. We BOTH simply do what needs to get done. Neither of us waits for the other to do "our job".

This is all stuff we discussed BEFORE marriage, BEFORE kids, and long BEFORE we ever lived together. As a matter of fact, I think we talked about this kind of thing over our lunch period 4th hour of our senior year.

sounds like a great relationship! I love how your MIL raised her kids. I will be teaching my daughters how to do everything that needs to be done in life, not just "womens work" of home and children. I really believe that I would do a disservice to my girls if they were not able to be self sufficient.

[cheerfuldom]

Many men are like this. They feel entitled to a life with out the wife. UGH!!!

Oh, I agree with you. My question was sarcasm if anything. Any MALE that ditches his wife on a regular basis when he knows she is exhausted and struggling may be a male, but is no kind of man in my book. I realize I have pretty high standard and find my husband to be a great blessing. Now that we are almost 10 years married this summer, he is exactly the husband I always wanted but it does take a lot of communication and work. Sometimes, things are lost in translation from female to male and I find myself saying very clearly "I need help. This is exactly what I need. This is what will happen if I cant get the help I need" so it did take time to get to this point, LOL. I had to learn how he best "hears" me because he really does need simple, clear instructions. He's not stupid by any means, but this is how he best communicates. Took me awhile to get out of the passive-aggressive, martyr type thing that a lot of women seem to fall into naturally.

[cheerfuldom]

My husband works hard..... but he see's so many young men coming into work that have family's to take care of and they last a day and are done, some walk out. Not all......but a lot!!! Young kids that can't keep up. They are lazy, don't want to listen to authority, rules, and can't get out of bed in the morning. Sad. It's easier for them to go get assistance then it is to hold down a job. Nan is right, it is work, boring, tiring(won't leave any time to play video games, or whatnot) they would just rather have another kid and get more money from the state. SAD Government will give you more then a hard working job will these days- so why bother.

This is whole nother topic but since your brought it up ......I believe wholeheartedly that many government programs are more divisive to the family than not, and more enabling to bad habits than not. It also has to do with how kids are raised these days. Many have no pride in self and a job well done. They are always looking for the easy route and the fun way and when real life hits, they cant handle it.

[MsMe]

I really love that book! It has a very realistic approach to finding the arrangement that works for you in your relationship. I dont have any problem with what you do for your husband....if you two are happy and that is what works for you, so be it. But the point I have been saying over and over is that there isnt one arrangement that is the perfect balance of everything for every person. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! I hope you and your husband have many many years together! I think you are very wise in seeing that your relationship WILL evolve as time goes on, as you start a family, if you continue working after children are born and it is important to be aware of communicating as your needs change. The things that you do now for your husband may not be realistic ten years down the road.

Yes, this is a perfect response to my post. I have learned that communication is 100% the best advice ever.

[SunshineMama]

This is whole nother topic but since your brought it up ......I believe wholeheartedly that many government programs are more divisive to the family than not, and more enabling to bad habits than not. It also has to do with how kids are raised these days. Many have no pride in self and a job well done. They are always looking for the easy route and the fun way and when real life hits, they cant handle it.

Tried to stay out of this portion of the thread but I do want to share a story:

My friend lost her job, which was convenient for her, since she is right about to have a baby- she is a teacher so she is:

1. Out on maternity leave currently
2. Paid in full until August, even though she lost her job.

In August, she will apply for unemployment, which was estimated to be about 52% of her salary (so around 28,000 per year in benefits). I believe she is eligible to have them for 2 years.

That is a great deal- she gets paid 28k a year to stay home with her newborn child and her other child for the next 2 years...

There is really no OUTSIDE motivation for her to rush and get another job.

Now... my friend is a very hard working person, and has been filling out applications rigorously. She loves teaching and, while she stated that is is nice to have the benefits, if she gets offered a teaching job elsewhere she will take it in a heartbeat.

There are people who will work hard and do what's right, and there are people who will take advantage of the system if they can.

Kinda makes what we do as daycare providers extra important- we are raising the next generation, and it's all the more important to teach them important lessons in ife (hard work, manners, morals, etc).

[Ariana]

I read this thread yearterday and thought about it all day.

I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!)

I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.

that said.....

I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.

Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.

I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER

I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.

His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...

The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.

I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.

Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....

WOW I don't mean to be rude but I didn't know people like you existed. It just sounds so sad...from my perspective. Who takes care of you and your needs? When you do decide to have a baby I hope you're in a healthier dynamic in your relationship because babies require so much energy and attention and you'll need a partner.

Has your husband read that book you recommend?

[Ariana]

Tried to stay out of this portion of the thread but I do want to share a story:

My friend lost her job, which was convenient for her, since she is right about to have a baby- she is a teacher so she is:

1. Out on maternity leave currently
2. Paid in full until August, even though she lost her job.

In August, she will apply for unemployment, which was estimated to be about 52% of her salary (so around 28,000 per year in benefits). I believe she is eligible to have them for 2 years.

That is a great deal- she gets paid 28k a year to stay home with her newborn child and her other child for the next 2 years...

There is really no OUTSIDE motivation for her to rush and get another job.

Now... my friend is a very hard working person, and has been filling out applications rigorously. She loves teaching and, while she stated that is is nice to have the benefits, if she gets offered a teaching job elsewhere she will take it in a heartbeat.

There are people who will work hard and do what's right, and there are people who will take advantage of the system if they can.

Kinda makes what we do as daycare providers extra important- we are raising the next generation, and it's all the more important to teach them important lessons in ife (hard work, manners, morals, etc).

If I'm not mistaken your friend paid into her unemployment while she was working therefore she is not "taking advantage of the system". If she hadn't worked and paid into it she wouldn't be able to withdraw it. It's not free money from the government! Just wantd to clarify that unemployment is not welfare. At least this is the way it works in Canada. Kind of like how we get 1 year mat leave where we draw unemployment. We just get back the $$ we paid in. The gov't doesn't pay us to stay home with our kids kwim?