Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[cheerfuldom]

My thoughts exactly! It still doesnt excuse my behavior this morning of going off, but the stress is just killing me. We are going to have to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I feel like I am talking until I am blue in the face.

He will help out if I nag him enough, but then I feel like he is a dck and I have to sing the clean up song and put him in charge of each activity. I am not speaking husbandese correctly to get him to do his fair share. All he sees is that I get to be home all day, play outside, etc, and he is unable to comprehend the mental and physical exhaustion of childcare. I dont know how to make him understand :/

hey he doesnt have to understand everything in order to do it. there is no way he can understand what you do all day so stop expecting him to. What he can understand is "XYZ is what makes the wife happy and makes the home run smoothly....if I don't do that, then this will happen"....right now his only consequence is you nagging and he doesnt care about that. you have to find what gets his attention. for my hubby, it is money and sex. sorry to put it so bluntly. if I am not happy and taken care of, I scale back on daycare kids (less money) and I dont spend time with him (no sex). This isnt a punishment, its a natural consequence of him not putting in effort into the home and family. this is what gets his attention every time

[cheerfuldom]

Sorry...you said that you have no hobbies so your husband can't have any either...

I don't get this...

WHY not?

We have three children under four, I work 50 hours a week, we have family and church commitments, plus commitments to each other. There is not time in there for regular hobbies (outside the home....like basketball every Wed night). We both have priorities and fun time with friends is a luxury, not a regular occurence. I am not working double time so he can have guys night. We do have things we enjoy doing but right now, all of our hobbies we do as a family (camping) or in the home (my husband has a wood shop downstairs)

[daycare]

We have three children under four, I work 50 hours a week, we have family and church commitments, plus commitments to each other. There is not time in there for regular hobbies (outside the home....like basketball every Wed night). We both have priorities and fun time with friends is a luxury, not a regular occurence. I am not working double time so he can have guys night. We do have things we enjoy doing but right now, all of our hobbies we do as a family (camping) or in the home (my husband has a wood shop downstairs)

I don't know how you guys do that, awesome that you can. I have to have ME time. ALONE.

I have the gym and I love it. I coach youth sports love that too, I do a lot of my own me and so does he. Then we have our together time as a couple and as a family.

[cheerfuldom]

Oh we have alone time but its just not for huge amounts of time and not at the other spouse's expense. I dont ditch him to go party with my girlfriends either. When we volunteer, we get a sitter and then volunteer as a couple. This is what works for us. I will say though that if something every happened to me, I know for sure that my husband would be 100% in taking over the household and children. He is completely capable with all of it, knows where everything is, knows the routine, knows his kids 100%. I think that is the way it should be.

[daycare]

Oh we have alone time but its just not for huge amounts of time and not at the other spouse's expense. I dont ditch him to go party with my girlfriends either. When we volunteer, we get a sitter and then volunteer as a couple. This is what works for us. I will say though that if something every happened to me, I know for sure that my husband would be 100% in taking over the household and children. He is completely capable with all of it, knows where everything is, knows the routine, knows his kids 100%. I think that is the way it should be.

wow thats great....I know that mine could not suffice should something happen to me.

More than likely he would run home to mommy and daddy. But I am not going to worry about that, when I am dead, there is not too much I can do anymore....

[AmyLeigh]

Be ready for an unpopular response.

When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?

Hmmm???

Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.


My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.

[daycare]

Be ready for an unpopular response.

When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?

Hmmm???

Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.


My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.

happyface

[nannyde]

Be ready for an unpopular response.

When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?

Hmmm???

Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.


My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.

I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.

I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.

You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.

The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.

Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.

[Soccermom]

I think it is important for both partners to get out of the house once in awhile. Men need to socialize with their best buds and have some downtime from work too. The problem might be that you are not getting your much needed kid free time in. I think it is important to get out of the house (Even though you probably don't feel like getting ready and going out after a long day). If you force yourself to leave the house you will be glad that you did. Leave the dishes, leave the house a mess and just go. The more you do it, the easier it will become.
I think a good heart to heart with hubby is in order as well. You need to sit down with him and make a chore list together. Also the two of you need to sit down at the beginning of each week and plan out your evenings together as a couple. He can choose a free evening and so can you. Be sure to pencil in a few date nights in there as well so the two of you can reconnect.
I don't think it is fair to be angry at him because his job is easier than yours. I'm sure he has his fair share of stress at work as well but may not vocalize it when he gets home because he doesn't want to unload too much stress on you. I'm sure he really appreciates what you do for him and probably brags to all his buddies about how great you are but men seem to have issues expressing that to their wives sometimes.
Also he probably does not expect all this from you. These are probably expectations you have set for yourself. Maybe he doesn't care if the house is spotless or that the dishes get done every night. Maybe he would be glad to help with the laundry. The most important thing to most men is having a happy wife and not necessarily a so called perfect wife (Which in reality does not exist).

[wdmmom]

If he wants to outline what is YOUR job and what is his job, he should be PAYING you to watch HIS children, PAYING you to do his laundry, PAYING you to cook his dinner, etc.

Ever hear the phrase, "it's cheaper to keep her?" IT'S TRUE! Now he needs a lesson on WHY it is cheaper!

Split everything 50/50. Make him pay half of every bill, then you make him pay for childcare for his own children, and you calculate what you want to bill him for dinner and laundry.

You'll be the one winning in the end.

Tell him...either you can do his fair share around the house or he can pay you child support. His choice!

[Country Kids]

AmyLeigh, I was getting to write some of your post and saw what you had written. I agree!!!!

My hubby doesn't work 12 hours, have any commute time but maybe 5 min if he hits all lights green.

What he does all day though is nothing I would want to do. It is a very mentally draining job and once I really understood what he does (its a pretty new job) I've pretty much tried to shut up about the childcare. On a daily basis he sees some pretty low people-druggies, child predators, domestic fighting, alcoholics, lots more I'm sure.

One day, not to long ago at the end of the evening he said "it was very nice coming home today. You didn't talk about childcare at all, dinner was done, kitchen/house picked up. The kids (Our own) were being so good because there was just a calmness in the air." Right there I new I needed to stop bellyaching and see that the world doesn't revolve around childcare and how bad I have it.

Yes, my hubby will walk in the door, start dinner, clean the kitchen, pick up the house, laundry "do the womens work" as I call it. Why should he though? He doesn't ask me to change the oil in the cars, mow the lawn, keep up home maintenance, take the garbage to the dump, fix the plumbing when it backs up, etc.

My hubby does understand how draining childcare is-he was home three months with me and I have done it for years. Thats why he steps up to help me but I need to also realize that even though he doesn't work as long hours as I do, his job has different challenges then mine. Oh, during spring, summer, fall he works in the evenings, weekends after work doing another job.

[My3cents]

I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.

I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.

You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.

The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.

Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.

I just wanted to say that I agree Nan....and I had to write that I just wanted to say I agreed because I was under ten characters

[Country Kids]

Maybe if its to much for you guys, maybe have someone come in to do some of the housework.

That way its done when you both get off at night and no one is fighting about it. One of my friends recently did this because she works alot and hubby was tired of coming home and nothing being done.

[cheerfuldom]

Be ready for an unpopular response.

When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?

Hmmm???

Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.


My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.

I think you had some good points. We all need a reminder to appreciate one another. There are many, many things that we (my husband and I) used to fight over that were very silly in the grand scheme of things and we both needed to mature past those things and learn to appreciate more and complain less.

HOWEVER, I dont think that ANYONE has a free pass on their responsibilities because they are waiting to be appreciated. We all do thankless things, especially mothers. I dont expect a round of applause, a "good job" or even any appreciation at all for the things that I do. I clean and cook and work hard because I have a duty to the the children that I brought into this life. My husband has that same responsibility. It is childish for a man to wait around and say that he needs to feel like a rock star in order to fulfill his responsibilities in life. Its called being a grown up. I dont like the thought that a woman has the burden of making a man feel a certain way before he can be held accountable for his actions. I will be teaching my daughters to love their Dad, appreciate him, look for things to do that make him happy because they love him....not because they will be women some day and this is their "job" as a wife. It is extremely ridiculous to hold a woman to a certain standard because she is a female and not hold a man to the same standard. Where is the accountability for this husband? Sometimes you do what you have to do because it is right, not because it feels good and not because you will get an "atta boy" at the end.

I am glad you have found a situation that works for you and your husband and he really sounds like a hard working guy. But what I dont think is fair is implying (even unintentionally) that this situation is the OP's fault, is her's to fix. Marriage is a partnership. Yes she could appreciate him more....I think we all could appreciate our loved ones more....BUT there is still some of the burden on his plate. It doesn't sound like he is coming home, spending time with the kids and taking care of his own chores (like your husband has the outdoor chore, vehicles, etc) so its not the same situation.

[SunshineMama]

Be ready for an unpopular response.

When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?

Hmmm???

I tell him on a weekly basis how attracted to him I am, how much I love him (daily), how much I appreciate everything that he does for the family, and all of the hard work that he puts in. And I do always tell him the lawn/landscaping looks great, etc. I work out and make sure I am presentable at all times. I think I am a great wife (except for the occasional early morning outbursts when I am just stressed to the max). His only "chores" are taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. Everything else is done at his convenience. I do the maintenence, reapainting and spackling the walls, refinishing the wood on the stairs, pest control when we had ant problems, etc. I do the laundry, dishes, cleaning... everything. I do all of the budgets and make sure all the bills are paid. I do our taxes. I get the kids ready and dressed for the day, prepare all meals, and put them to bed. He WILL help out if I tell him to (2 or 3 times), but I have to even tell him to do his share of the chores.

When he has kids, I do not heicoptor over him- I let him do his own thing, even though that means I wont have it done my way, I never complain when he helps. There are times where I literally tell him I can't do kids anymore and hand him our two (3.5 and 1) and go have time to myself. Those are the nights the kids wear their clothes to bed (unless I tell him to put PJ's on them), they dont get washed or teeth brushed, or books before bed. I do not criticize or say anything to him, but I put a guilt trip on myself because I want my kids to be put to bed properly. He does play the classic, "I dont know how to do it" dumb card that some men like to play.

I love him more than life itself and treat him very well. He is very loving to me and a great dad, but like I said before, he just doesn't get what I do with daycare, and all of the work that I do. I am going to take a lot of the advice from this thread and maybe write down some thoughts and have a heart to heart with him. He knows that I am on edge (this is the second time this week I went off in the morning) so it wont be a surprise. Thank you ladies, for sharing your opinion, thoughts, advice, and experiences!!