How Do You Accept A Child Who Is Not Smart?

[Preschool/daycare teacher]

I'm so glad you posted this question, OP. I have one in preschool who cannot think for himself. I really worry about how he'll do in Kindergarten (he's 5 yrs old and will be going this fall). He doesn't come here in the summer, so I only have 3 1/2 -4 mo left to help him, but don't know how (he also only comes 3 days a week for just a few hours. That is, when his mom brings him). I feel like I'm not preparing him adequately, and another teacher could do a better job. My other preschoolers going to Kindergarten in the fall were pretty much ready by the end of last semester, but this one little boy is just really slow on what I consider common sense, and he's extremely socially under developed. His mom and grandparents do everything for him, baby him to the extreme, and his entertainment is tv and video games. He can't even participate in circle time or conversations because he'll start talking way off topic about his latest video game. But he talks about it as if it just happend right that moment, and we should have "seen" it. He'll randomly start talking to himself, and doing kickbox (?) type moves out of no where.
He also seems to have NO confidence in himself. Examples: He waits until everyone else has sat down, then asks where he should sit (there's only one chair left and he's standing right behind it, but he has to be told that he can sit there before he will sit down). Any directions for preschool activities have to be spelled out for him, step by step. The others will literally be finished, and he'll still be working on the first step. I don't know how to teach children to think for themselves, when all their lives someone else has done their thinking for them. I start out with one step and then try to move on to two step directions and my goal is to continue to 3 or more. The 3 yr olds can even follow 2-3 step directions without hesitation. But as soon as I give 2 step directions, he has to be reminded what the 2nd step was. So then I'm right back at only giving 1 step at a time. There are just so many issues I wouldn't even know how to talk to his mom or where to begin. Plus his mom hardly acknowledges me anyway, so how would I talk to her about such a sensitive subject when she acts like she she's just "putting up" with having to see me 3 days a week. I have his evaluation all finished and ready to show her, but I really need to talk to her about it. But I don't know how to talk to her about it when she acts like she doesn't even want to see me. And it's such a sensitive subject to tell her "your son is doing ok (maybe not great, but ok) academically, but socially and physically he's WAAY behind even the 3 yr olds." (his large and small muscles are also really under developed. His small muscles in his hands are so weak, he can't even hold his pencil with any strength, and therefore can't even write his name very well yet. He tries, but you can't tell what it says half the time. And he scrambles the letters up really bad, too, No matter how much I work with him. Like he'll start on the right hand side of the paper, going to the left, then switches in the middle of his name and puts the next letter to the right of the first letter of his name. Let's say his name is Johnny. He'd write it something like: "hoJnny". Sometimes like this: "ynnhoJ". His writing also looks really shaky, because there's no strength in his hand. Finger Plays are really difficult for him as well.
Whoops. Didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to see your post. I can really relate. If you find something that helps, let me know, and I'll do the same for you... Does yours come full time, or part time?

[erinalexmom]

I don't see anything offensive about what you wrote. I do understand where you're coming from. I've worked with hundreds of kids and there are always kids that are not so "bright". It's what makes us human.

Find out what DOES make him bright! He's got to be good at something? Maybe he's a very sensitive caring child who loves animals, or someone who loves to draw. Find out what makes him shine because everyone has that inside of them. The most important thing you can do as an educator is bring that out and make him feel like the greatest kid in the world

Thank You! I will try this He's a kindhearted little guy-that he is good at for sure

[erinalexmom]

sahm2three yes he is like this exactly. Its not that he doesn't want to listen its like he "can't" listen KWIM?

[erinalexmom]

preschool/daycare teacher. This is him exactly! No ability to think for himself and its because everyone does the thinking for him. He is full time. Yes if you know any tips PM me! would love to hear it!

[erinalexmom]

Joyce, no worries. Its just people on this board are really eager to get upset if you admit "thoughts/vents" you have about the kids and I just hate drama. So I am not angry honestly.There is always some thread that ticks everyone off everyday. Today just happened to be my day. This is just not the place for me. I will still lurk some but no more threads for me. Best of luck to ya'll! Thanks to all who have helped me over the months. I honestly am very grateful.

[PitterPatter]

Joyce I am not writing off "the kid" I am writing off the parents and just trying to accept what the situation is and that the parents will never change. I already asked Michael to delete this and he said he cant delete it all. I am not 'backtracking" I just worded it in a way that isn't socially acceptable and I was trying to explain further. I will be going through and deleting all the posts that I have access to. I am also done with this forum except for the few friends I have here which I will PM from now on.

Please don't go away from the forum. There are some really wonderful people here with excellent advise. I admit I myself should read the replies before I post. I do that all the time but usually I don't have much time and want to participate in as much as possible. I too have had my share of misunderstandings and wanted to leave but it's great people with great advise that keep me coming back. You just have to overlook those who misunderstand things, me being 1 of them tonight. Again my apologies. And who knows you yourself may be able to help someone with advise that no one else can. Hope you will stay!

[jessrlee]

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I am glad you got the advice you needed.

[melskids]

Please don't leave the forum!

Sometimes, it is very hard to "read" peoples thoughts, emotions, personalities, and intentions over a computer. We're missing very important apsects of human conversations like tone of voice and facial expression.

I have to admit, When I first read the thread title, I thought the same thing many others did as well, and my first thought was "how can you NOT accept a child who is "not" smart"?!?!?!?!?

But instead of reacting right away and lashing out, I try to wait it out and think about what the OP is trying to say.

Now that I've had some time to think about it, (and this may have already been mentioned) but maybe this child should be referred to early intervention services. Maybe I missed this...but you say the parents arent on board. Have you presented them with assessments or recommendations? Have you shown them through documentation the things he IS capable of doing?

This child sounds JUST like my older son. He does have some learning disabilities, and to this day, (he's 15) isnt the best when it comes to common sense. But you put something in his hands, to build, and he's a genius. all kids learn differently, with or without disabilities. Find what this child is good at, and play off of that.

maybe he has extremely low self esteem and anxiety and doesn't think he CAN do it. I think, sometimes, parents dont put high ENOUGH expectations on their kids, and as a result, he doesnt feel good about himself. I would keep working with him and challenging him. Soon you will see whether it is a true disability or if its a parenting/home life issue. Either way, when he is with you, YOU make sure he is being all that he can be. in the end, its all we can do.

[Sunchimes]

I need to tell you a story about making a difference. About 14 years ago, we left the farm and moved to the big city. We bought a house in an inner city neighborhood undergoing "revitalization". We were the only white family on our entire block, but everyone took us into the community and it was a great period of our lives. One of the 4 year old neighbor boys adopted us. Seriously, he came straight to our house after school and stayed until it got dark. He would have spent the night but I was a little nervous about that. He had a stay at home mom, a grandma across the street, and an aunt up the street, but he liked us. All of these houses were full of kids and people and noise and chaos. It was very casual parenting--sort of "foods in the fridge when you get hungry and clothes are piled in the floor in the laundry room-go find something to wear". I was the one who noticed that he couldn't hear in one ear or see as well as he should. I taught him to read because he wasn't getting it at school and no one at home gave him the extra help he needed. We read every day, even when he didn't want to (and that was always). We struggled and we struggled, but we read. He was a storyteller. I listened to his stories--long, long stories-- when he was 4, and when he was 8, I read each and every story he brought me. I spelled words for him..hundreds of words. We moved away and for a couple of years, we kept in touch. He outgrew us and the contact ended. Two weeks ago, he got in touch with us. He's all grown up now, and one of the first things he said was "You taught me to read". All these years later, all the home cooked meals, all the play, all the other things, that's what he remembered. I cried. I always knew he would be a writer if he could ever learn to write what he had in his head. I was close, he's a lyricist, getting ready to go back to school and study music producing.

You matter to this little boy. The secret in teaching is to remember the failures only long enough to try to correct them. If you showed him red 50 times and he still doesn't get it, remember that he did learn table manners from you. You didn't fail, you just aren't seeing the exact result you are looking for yet. For every detail you haven't achieved, if you look, you will see several things you did teach him. And don't give up. There is a trigger in that little head that will suddenly click in and the thing you've worked on will become clear. It may not be while you are with him, and he may not know you planted that little bit of knowledge, but you are laying foundations. One of the hardest parts of teaching, whether they are 2 or 12, is remembering that you can't stuff knowledge into their little heads. All you can do is plant seeds. Even if they lie dormant for years, you've done your job.

Finally, remember our motto-you can't save them all. Would you think this would be a candidate for some sort of early intervention?

I hope that you change your mind. I haven't made a lot of friends on here yet, but I hate to think of losing a potential one. We have so much to learn from each other. Sometimes, I think that we, as providers, aren't that far removed from the little ones--we all learn so much from each other every day.

[permanentvacation]

I know exactly what you mean by 'not smart'! I also fully understand you not being sure if you want to continue working with a child that doesn't seem to be understanding anything you are trying to teach them. You feel like you are just beating your head against a wall - or are just talking to a wall because nothing you say to him seems to be sinking in at all! Yep, I fully understand what you are talking about. I have actually wondered if I could offer childcare only to gifted and talented preschoolers! Even though they are not really catagorized as such at this age! But the ones that 'aren't smart' drive you crazy and you feel like you are wasting your time. Trust me, I know and understand you on this.

I had one child that would just sit at the table with their chin toward the table and stare at you out of the very top of their eyes. Kind of felt like a mini serial killer staring at you! The child took MONTHS to respond to anything. However, now, after constantly working with the child, they act like any other child. My personal opinion of this one is that the parents baby the child, they watch tv a good bit, and the father is very "authoritive" - very likely he scares the kid to death and I think the kid was afraid to do or not do anything - I think the kid had kind of like a damned if you do and damned if you don't feeling.

A few of my friends who are daycare providers and I have been discussing the fact that children are getting dumber and dumber every year for aproximately the past 5 years. It seems like parents are not bothering to work with their kids as much in the past few years. They are too tired from working, have to work 2 or so jobs, simply don't have a clue what to do with their child, etc. Many more children are being placed in front of the television on a consistant basis for the above reasons. Parents don't talk with and have normal conversations with their children, don't teach them scholastics, don't take them to the park and socialize them, etc. The average child that I get nowadays is what I would consider about a year behind the average child that I would have gotten 5 or so years ago.

However, like someone posted before me, if you are willing to keep working with the child, after a WHILE, you should notice that you are making a difference and he is learning from you. He might have a learning disorder or other medical problem that causes him to not be on the typical level for his age, but you said that the parents hold him back or undo what you do. So I think the child is probably medically fine, it sounds like just bad parenting. If you work with him, and maybe find a way to get the parents to stop undoing what you do, you should eventually see a difference.

If you do papers with the children or teach them with hands on activities things like colors, shapes, letters, numbers, etc. Maybe you can give the parents a letter at the begining of the month to let them know what you will be focusing on that month. Have the kids do a paper or two each day and send them home daily. Then give some homework pages for them to do at home. This might get his parents to understand what he should be working on and able to do at his age. The homework pages will give the parents something to do with him at home so they can personally see that he really can do those things.

Also different kids/people have different learning styles. He might do well with hands on activities. Maybe you can do hands on projects that might spark his interest.

[Preschool/daycare teacher]

preschool/daycare teacher. This is him exactly! No ability to think for himself and its because everyone does the thinking for him. He is full time. Yes if you know any tips PM me! would love to hear it!

Just wondering, do you think your little guy does better coming full time than he would if he only came part time (3 days/week, when mom brings him)? I've been thinking about possibly asking the mom if she would consider bringing him full time (I don't know that she would. She probably wouldn't). I just wonder if that could help him (at least it'd be two less days of video games and tv all day, and two more spent with other children. Maybe he'd be more confident if he knew the other children better and did the routine things with us everyday?). But I'm almost afraid to try it too, in case it doesn't work. I can already hear his mom blaming me and this daycare/preschool for his not being ready for Kindergarten when he starts struggeling. "He went 3 days a week, all day, then they wanted him to come 5 days, all day, and yet there's nothing to show for it. She didnt teach him anything... I paid all that money for nothing! Don't send your's there!" Plus he does take a lot of time away from the others because he does require so much one on one. I really really want to help him, but almost afraid it could end up being at the expense of the others if his days were increased.