How Do You Accept A Child Who Is Not Smart?

[Mary Poppins]

I was just going to post another reply very similar to this.

My 21 yr old son, who has Asperger's is also highly intelligent but I still find myself having to be very careful about what I say when I give him instructions to do something. I'm not sure if it's so much a lack of common sense as it is a thought process that is different from neurotypical thinking. When I was researching his diagnosis, I kept reading over and over again that one of the red flags for parents of kids with AS is always saying or thinking, "I shouldn't have to tell you this....."

EXACTLY THIS!!! My son has Asperger's too (I hate that word ). He has to literally be told each step of each task, every single time. And sending him to find something? Forget it! He can be staring right at it and not see it. It's frustrating for him, too, and he struggles with feeling "stupid" as he puts it. He's sooo not stupid, though, he just processes things differently.

He seems to take everything very literally, too. When he was little, I would say things like "give me a minute" and ONE MINUTE later he'd be back . ::

[PitterPatter]

It's not the child that I don't accept. Its that I need to accept his limitations and not feel like a failure because of it.

Oh hun you are not a failure!! Coming here asking instead of choosing to ignore it or drop him proves that much! I'm sorry if I offended you.

Some kids just need more effort, more time and definitley more patience.

[Lucy]

We need to be an advocate for the kids with "bad" parents. If they "undo" what you teach him (which I find hard to swallow, but you said it...) then so be it. At least while he's with YOU he has an opportunity to be worthy of receiving education. If they don't do it at home, that is even MORE reason that YOU should do it. Not because they pay you and it's your "job" to do it, but because it is basic morals. Otherwise, you are just saying, "oh, who gives a d*mn. Let him be dumb." Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how I read your words.

[erinalexmom]

Thanks Blackcat! You have helped me more than once and I appreciate it. I will be working hard to brainstorm ways to get through to this little guy. I already don't turn on the TV the entire time he is here because I know that is part of his issue. My daughter is 6 and she does "teach" him to play on the days she is home from school.

[Blackcat31]

I am not saying any of this to be mean. He is a nice kid.

For the record. I care about this child or I wouldn't try as hard as I do.

It's not the child that I don't accept. Its that I need to accept his limitations and not feel like a failure because of it.

Wow, I'm really saddened at this post. I haven't read the other responses, but I glanced enough to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

We need to be an advocate for the kids with "bad" parents. If they "undo" what you teach him (which I find hard to swallow, but you said it...) then so be it. At least while he's with YOU he has an opportunity to be worthy of receiving education. If they don't do it at home, that is even MORE reason that YOU should do it. Not because they pay you and it's your "job" to do it, but because it is basic morals. Otherwise, you are just saying, "oh, who gives a d*mn. Let him be dumb." Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how I read your words.

If you don't care enough to give this sweet kid a safe haven, then you're in the wrong business, sister. Sad.

The OP is asking for help.... where is the support? Seems to me there is alot of judging going on in this thread because of the language used or the fact that someone isn't all rainbows and kittens all the time when it comes to discussing kids. Most of us who have been in this business long enough, have had a child in their care that they have trouble connecting with.

It would be helpful if the entire thread (or atleast the OP's posts) is read before some says something that isn't helpful or supportive.

Joyce, I am NOT singling you out your post just struck a chord with me and I'm sorry but I am just really tired of the people who want to come on this forum looking for help or support or advice and then getting beat up for it.

What if providers stopped asking for support or advice.....what do you think would happen to all these kids then?

Reaching out to others is the RIGHT thing to do, no matter what words we use to ask.

Maybe if people aren't supportive or helpful they are in the wrong business as well. Part of being a childcare provider is helping, educating and caring for EVERYONE in a child's life.

[erinalexmom]

Pitter Patter you have not offended me. You seem to really want to help me. Thanks

[Blackcat31]

I am sorry Joyce, I see you went back and deleted part of your post. I apologize for my emotional outburst....

If you want me to go back and delete it (the part you deleted) from my quote, please let me know....

Like I said, I wasn't aiming any of that AT you.

[countrymom]

I know lots of kids that are not smart. And yes it is their parents fault. I can't believe how many parents just don't want their children to be smart. Lets see, odd has a friend who is 13, her mother held her back in grade 1 because she couldn't read, instead of helping her, her mother didn't care and instead of encouraging her, knows that she will end up with a low paying job.

dcb I have is 3.5yrs old (I have 4 kids that are all 3.5 yrs old they are all going to school in sept) this boy is shoved with thomas the train cr@p and cars stuff (the movie) he doesn't know his name, he talks like a robot and will cry if I turn the tv off. I finally get him to do basic things only for his parents to undo it and back to monday retraining. They will tell you that he wasn't suppose to happen

I can go on. There is a difference between kids struggling and really trying and kids who just are not smart. I sometimes really wonder if parents do this on purpose, its like they don't want their kids to be better than them, to be successful kwim. We all know people like this. It just really drives me crazy.

[Lucy]

I am sorry Joyce, I see you went back and deleted part of your post. I apologize for my emotional outburst....

If you want me to go back and delete it (the part you deleted) from my quote, please let me know....

Like I said, I wasn't aiming any of that AT you.

Yes, exactly. LOL. I hadn't read any further than her original post, and I hope you would agree, the wording sounded more harsh than her backtracking in subsequent posts. After I posted my response, I went through and read what she and others had said, and I realized maybe I had been too rough, so I deleted the 1st and 3rd paragraphs of what I originally said.

I still feel, based on her original post, that she was kind of "writing off" this kid because he wasn't as smart as the rest. She felt she was wasting her time teaching him because he couldn't retain anything. I'm sorry, but that's how it read to me. I realize we don't always choose our words carefully when we post things out of frustration, so I will cut her some slack.

You mentioned that we should come here to support each other and not judge each other. Well, I do agree with that to some point. But we also need to give each other a reality check at times. Even if we may initially get ticked when someone responds negatively to what we've posted, I would hope that most of us would let it roll around in the back of our head for awhile and realize that maybe we need to look at the situation another way.

I will stand by what I said - we need to be an advocate for the underdog kids just as much as we need to help the "smart ones" shine. My gut reaction to her saying (paraphrasing) 'he's not smart, and what's the point in even trying to teach him' , was that she was writing him off.

Also, I have seen it happen before where someone posts something utterly ridiculous and out of the norm, and other members will call them on it. Most of the time it is from an "unregistered", but still... So if it sounded absurd to me at first reading, then I'm going to call her on it.

[erinalexmom]

Joyce I am not writing off "the kid" I am writing off the parents and just trying to accept what the situation is and that the parents will never change. I already asked Michael to delete this and he said he cant delete it all. I am not 'backtracking" I just worded it in a way that isn't socially acceptable and I was trying to explain further. I will be going through and deleting all the posts that I have access to. I am also done with this forum except for the few friends I have here which I will PM from now on.

[erinalexmom]

Countrymom thank you for your reply. I agree with you completely.

[Blackcat31]

Joyce~ I agree that at first I was not completely comfortable with what I thought she was saying either. I wanted to be supportive first before thinking the worst. I tried being vague in my response, hoping for further elaboration from OP:

Those are the kids who need us the most...

I also agree that we do need to give and get reality checks from time to time, and doing that without emotionally reacting is tough. I think it is better to start a conversation before judging anyone though....I like to get all the facts first.

I wish we all had the ability to let things slide and not take it so personal, but one thing I have learned in this job is that most people who care enough to be in it are people who feel everything is personal....kwim?

Apparently, we on the same side, just reacted from different perspectives.... with the same intent.

[Ariana]

I don't see anything offensive about what you wrote. I do understand where you're coming from. I've worked with hundreds of kids and there are always kids that are not so "bright". It's what makes us human.

Find out what DOES make him bright! He's got to be good at something? Maybe he's a very sensitive caring child who loves animals, or someone who loves to draw. Find out what makes him shine because everyone has that inside of them. The most important thing you can do as an educator is bring that out and make him feel like the greatest kid in the world

[sahm2three]

I think I know what you mean. I have a 2.5 yo who doesn't seem to get it. I can tell him something, and I use short sentences like, "X, walking feet." To which he replies, "K". Then takes off running. "X, come here. Diaper change." To which he replies, "K" and then continues to do whatever he was doing. I know he hears me. He can repeat what I told him, but he can't seem to do what I ask. He speaks very well. For instance, today he says, "I don't like her, can you get her out of here?" Referring to a little dcg. So, it isn't that he doesn't have train of thought. Not real sure what his issue is or how to fix it. He is a sweet boy for the most part, just fairly frustrating when you have to physically go over and do the hand over back technique or take him by the hand to do x, y, or z. So I feel you, just have no advice! Good luck!

[Lucy]

Ok, point taken. But I was taken aback immediately from just the title.

"How do you accept a child who is not smart?"

Like they can't be accepted? Loved in spite of it? Helped to improve?

Sorry, it struck me wrong at the get-go, and I reacted. Had she said something along the lines of, "Can you help me help a child who is struggling to learn?" , it would have been a whole different story. It was the whole 'why bother?' attitude that I perceived in her title, as well as in her original post.

I don't mean to offend, and I do see now that you have his best interests at heart. My apologies.