Crying At Day Care/Adjusting To Daycare

[denack]

My son is 9 months old. When I went back to work last September, I started him in an in home day care which was an adjustment. Financially if I could afford to stay home with him I would but can't. The day care that I found was recommended to me and it was close to work so I could go and nurse him over my lunch break. The initial adjustment to day care was not so bad, he would cry a little when I dropped him off and then be fine. As time went on, he got fussier and fussier. In early November he was finally put on acid reflux medicine which helped him get along better at day care. By Christmas, the day care provider took some time off and then everyone in her family got sick.

My husband and I elected to keep him home with family watching him until after the first of the year mainly to keep him from getting sick. Upon his return in January, he struggled to adjust back to day care and eventually he ended up crying all day every day for several weeks before I was told that she couldn't do it anymore. We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time. He is one who doesn't like to be put down (a fault of my husband and me not putting him down) and struggles to play by himself.

Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care. I know it's going to take some time for him to adjust to the new setting etc. I need to work as I carry the insurance for our family. I have sent a blanket that I've slept with, have put a photo album in his diaper bag and read books about going to day care and how mommy comes back. Does anyone have any other suggestions to make the transition smoother?

[jen]

My son is 9 months old. When I went back to work last September, I started him in an in home day care which was an adjustment. Financially if I could afford to stay home with him I would but can't. The day care that I found was recommended to me and it was close to work so I could go and nurse him over my lunch break. The initial adjustment to day care was not so bad, he would cry a little when I dropped him off and then be fine. As time went on, he got fussier and fussier. In early November he was finally put on acid reflux medicine which helped him get along better at day care. By Christmas, the day care provider took some time off and then everyone in her family got sick. My husband and I elected to keep him home with family watching him until after the first of the year mainly to keep him from getting sick. Upon his return in January, he struggled to adjust back to day care and eventually he ended up crying all day every day for several weeks before I was told that she couldn't do it anymore. We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time. He is one who doesn't like to be put down (a fault of my husband and me not putting him down) and struggles to play by himself. Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care. I know it's going to take some time for him to adjust to the new setting etc. I need to work as I carry the insurance for our family. I have sent a blanket that I've slept with, have put a photo album in his diaper bag and read books about going to day care and how mommy comes back. Does anyone have any other suggestions to make the transition smoother?

Have you and your husband stopped holding him all the time? I know how much we miss our babies when we are away from the, and how great it is to snuggle, but if he's going to daycare, he is also going to need to learn some indepence. Unfortunately, unless you are willing to help with this at home, it will be tough for him at daycare.

How many hours per day is the little guy in care? If it is more than 9, can you find a way to reduce those hours?

Is a nanny a possibility?

[DCMomOf3]

Welcome!

Since you have noticed he is like this with every provider, the changes will have to be made by you and your husband. Crying as a coping mechanism is normal but you will have to help it along. I would suggest a few things, and maybe others will have more, or better ideas.

1. Make drop-offs and pick-ups as fast as possible. No lingering.
2. If possible, stop coming by to nurse during the day. Bring bottles of pumped milk instead.
3. While at home encourage floor play, playing with toys, being independent.
4. You can still pick him up obviously, but try to limit it. The providers cannot carry him around all day since they are caring for multiple children. If you want that level of care, you will have to find a nanny.

I really hope he adjusts well to his new daycare.

[Unregistered]

...

I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.

[JenNJ]

First off, don't blame yourself! He is at a good age for some serious separation anxiety to be kicking in, so it is natural for him to be upset when he sees you leave.

You can help by NOT holding him as often at home. This goes for everyone - you, your husband, grandparents, etc. Be in the room with him, but don't play with him or for him all the time. Put out some toys and let him entertain himself. He shouldn't rely on adults as entertainment, he will be missing out on exploration which is so great for babies.

Once he adjusts to not being held, start leaving the room for a minute or two (obviously somewhere you can observe him but he cannot see you). Tell him you will be back and walk away. Let him see you walk away. Talk to him while you are around the corner, and return WITHOUT a big show. Then move onto saying goodbye, you will be back, and NOT talking while you are out of sight.

I would not send a photo album with him, it only reminds him that he is not at home or with you, which will upset him. And most important, remember that he will be ok if he cries. Crying doesn't damage him. Crying is a natural emotion and he has a right to express how he feels. The important thing is that you help him move past this stage and come out a happier baby. He just needs to adjust to the fact that you need to leave. He will learn to deal with it.

I hope some of that helps! Hang in there!

[Blackcat31]

I agree with what DCMomof3 said. As a provider (and parent of a child who did NOT adjust to daycare....EVER) I know this can be difficult and although you miss your son and want to be there for him in every way, you do have to make some changes at home.

I am currently going through this with a child in my care. He is the first child of a couple who are in every way great parents, however mom has let on that she can not bear for her child to cry so when it is bed time she will put her son in his bed and when he begins to fuss she gets him up and brings him to her bed and lays with him or rocks him until he is asleep. She said "He is so sweet when he is sleeping and he is growing so fast that I know I won't be able to do this for very long." I get all of that but it is also the problem.....when nap time rolls around here, (the child needs to nap; he is 9 months old also) and when I do not rock him or pick him up he cries.....non-stop!!

He has learned that if he cries, someone will come for him. If I don't, he gets hysterical......Now I can hardly bear it any longer and am on the verge of terming over it because although he is a great little guy and I love the parents, I am unable to provide the type of care their child is needing. The parents need to condition their child to be able to handle childcare or stay home with him. I know that sounds harsh but it is the simple truth of the matter.

I am not faulting anyone for whatever parenting method they choose to use; it is just that if a child is going to be in daycare, the parent needs to parent accordingly. He may be your whole world and you can drop everything for him, but I can't...not when I have atleast 6 other kids who are the whole world to their parents too..kwim?

I feel for you because it is tough....I was a mother whose child never did adjust to child care and that is what brought me to doing childcare myself. I don't know what other things you can do beside help your son be able to self-sooth, occupy himself for short times and not expect to be held continuously. Especially at 9 months since this is when the attachment issue becomes big in my opinion.

Maybe practice not running to him immediately and give him a chance to figure things out himself. Maybe only pick him up and cuddle with him when he is not expecting you to do it. I don't know, but I wish I had an easy answer for you......

[Lilbutterflie]

I think everyone else has given great advice, I just want to add one more thing.

Make sure you communicate openly with your provider. Your provider will be much more willing to work with you and your child with open lines of communication. Understand that this is also hard on the provider... hearing your child cry for most of the day is so disheartening and can wear them down very quickly! Work out a plan of action with your provider, make sure she knows you are working to resolve the situation, and be patient.

[denack]

He is in day care from approx. 7:45 to 4:45, I work 8-4:30. My husband and I have discussed me not dropping him off all the time but my husband has to be to work at 7:30 and leaves by 7:10 which would add additional time at daycare plus some mornings our son isn't awake when he leaves. Holding him all the time is something we are working on as we know that is the biggest issue with his adjusting to day care. He will sit and play with a vast array of toys and if/when I leave the room I do tell him I'll be back but he crawls to find me. He is a very inquisitive little boy. I am very guilty of going to soothe him when he wakes up at night and am working on that also. No parent wants to hear their child cry but I do realize that he needs to learn to soothe himself. He never had an issue with sleeping at the previous day care once he figured out the 'routine' was to go to sleep in the crib. As far as drop offs/pickups, I am the one currently dropping off and picking up. I try to make the drop offs quick, at the previous one as well as the new one. I don't go and nurse him anymore, production has slowed to where it isn't beneficial for me to do that anymore.

I understand how taxing the crying can be on all party's nerves. I also understand the separation anxiety and in a way I do blame myself. I want him to be as happy at daycare as he is at home because I know the socialization is good for him.
Thanks for the suggestions.

[Cat Herder]

I think everyone else has given great advice, I just want to add one more thing.

Make sure you communicate openly with your provider. Your provider will be much more willing to work with you and your child with open lines of communication. Understand that this is also hard on the provider... hearing your child cry for most of the day is so disheartening and can wear them down very quickly! Work out a plan of action with your provider, make sure she knows you are working to resolve the situation, and be patient.

I agree...

I also wanted to add that your provider will be mentally tired at pick-up after a day like that (come on, admit it, you would be too) so please avoid any major requests or in-depth discussion.

Instead just tell her you'd like to schedule at time to talk because you need her help to come up with a plan to solve this for both of you... Try to mention you appreciate her patience and that you know he is work

You will not only make her day, but she will most likely be willing to help more.

[grandmom]

I totally agree with the other providers.

Let your provider know you are making the needed changes. Stay in communication, and make sure she know how much you appreicate her.

If you wear out this provider....and move on to another, your son's issues will only escalate. Please help him now or you may find it hard for anyone to make a long term commitment to him. Then, you'll be dealing with much bigger issues than you are now.

Good luck. Thanks for asking for help.

[nannyde]

You said: He is one who doesn't like to be put down (a fault of my husband and me not putting him down) and struggles to play by himself.

He doesn't like to be put down means that he has to have his own adult holding him up

He struggles to play by himself means that he has to have his own adult to entertain him.

Those don't work in a group care situation friend.

Think about this. Would it be okay with you if the other children in his care of any age... baby... toddler... preschooler... HAD to have their own adult in order for them to be happy and there was only one adult? Would you want your son to be in THAT group of kids?

What providers are being faced with is having nearly every kid that comes into care now needs their own adult. Your situation is the RULE not the exception. It's not just babies and toddlers as in your past and current situation... it's now preschoolers and school aged kids too.

ALL of the ages of these kids need their own adult in order to be happy. The problem is that in most care situations there is one adult with a group of kids who need that adult just for them.

In your first day care situation he needed his own adult because he was a baby. Now he needs his own adult because he has separation anxiety and has had at least four different care arrangements in the last five months. The other kids in your kids care need their own adult because they are babies, have anxiety, they bite, they hit, they fight, their bored,... they have ADD, ADHD, ODD, and on and on and on.

There's endless real reasons why kids need their own adult but the problem is most families can't afford it. Child care is where the "child who needs their own adult" meets the reality of "one adult for five children who ALL need their own adult".

You know now... five months into this that it doesn't work. You really need to figure out if he REALLY needs one to one or if it's just that he WANTS one to one. Trust me on this: nearly EVERY kid I have ever met in my 31 year child care career WANTS their own adult. The WANT is almost universal.

If he doesn't have any medical reason for needing one to one care then it is up to YOU and Daddy to work with him to get the demanding behavior stopped. If you don't do that you are going to go thru provider after provider.

It's not healthy for a provider to be around a child that cries when all of their needs are being met and they are treated with love and kindness. It's too hard on any adult to deal with that day after day. You don't want a provider to snap in a moment of overwhelming frustration and do something that will change everyones life from that day on.

It's time to get some REAL help and get this solved. He's been thru WAY too many care situations since you went back to work. You need a SOLID experienced provider who is going to be HONEST with you and tell you the truth of what he is doing AS IT IS HAPPENING. You and Daddy are going to have to start seeing thru his behavior and asking yourself "if I had four other kids could I allow him this?" "Could I hold him... walk him... rock him.. play with him all of his waking hours and do this with five other kids who want the exact same thing?"

If the answer is NO then you have to SAY NO and don't allow him to consume every waking second. He is old enough to get down on the floor and entertain himself. He's most likely walking and he needs to get on the floor and let gravity do it's job. He should be off and running and entertaining himself for LONG periods of time.

When you hold him... hold him SITTING DOWN without any motion. Get him used to not having motion consulation... which includes NOT holding him while walking around. You can hold him all you want but do it ON THE FLOOR.

Once you start consoling him ON THE FLOOR in your arms he will show you right away whether or not he REALLY needs it. If he rejects your comfort because you are not picking him up and moving him then he did not need your comfort in the first place. If there is really something wrong he will accept your holding him DOWN on the floor in your lap.

Give him a toy area and have him have at it without you playing with him. He is definitely old enough to go play toys without any involvement from you. Do whatever it is you do when you have him play and don't rescue him away from "go play toys" by playing with him.

I would make sure he doesn't have ANY battery operated toys or any toys that make lights and sounds. They set the standard of entertainment so high that he's not going to like being in a group of kids playing and not having a bunch of noise and distraction going on. Start by having NO screen toys or electronic toys in his play.

Put him to bed WIDE awake every night. Do not use motion to get him to sleep. He needs time to settle his own brain down... from fully awake to asleep without ANY motion or adult.

If I think of other things I'll post back to this thread... feel free to p.m. me if I can help with anything else.

[Live and Learn]

The only daycare child that I have had that screamed all day was a child whose mom came to nurse at lunch. I have been doing dc for seven years. Just saying.
Pump and supply a bottle.

[denack]

I stopped going to nurse him at lunch in January and he takes bottles with no problem.

[denack]

Now he needs his own adult because he has separation anxiety and has had at least four different care arrangements in the last five months.

He has only been in one other day care setting since he started going to day care in September. We had grandparents watching him in our home after he was terminated from the first one. He has a toy area in the living room as well as one in his room but his room is upstairs so he has to be watched so he doesn't fall down the stairs as we don't have a gate at the top of the stairs yet.

He would prefer to walk and has started to walk around things but likes to walk with adult assistance. I suppose you're going to tell me that is wrong too. Sorry if I sound snippy but this isn't easy for me. I know I've made mistakes in how he's been raised and that it's my fault he is acting the way he is--I get that from my husband all the time and I feel bad enough as it is that he cries all the time when I leave. My stomach is in knots every day all day when I'm at work because of how he is when I leave him. I love my son more than anything in the world and I'm not making excuses for his behavior because I know I'm responsible for it but generally he is a happy baby.

I know I've got to stop holding him all the time it's not realistic to expect the daycare provider to hold him all the time and because it's taxing on her as well. She did tell me that she had another child who is no longer in her care due to the family moved, that did the same things and after 2 weeks adjusted well to the routine and being in her care. I don't want it to take that long. I talk to my son every night and every morning about going to her house and how much fun it's going to be. I suppose that's the wrong thing to do to, Maybe that's another mistake I'm making that is adding to his anxiety.

[nannyde]

Sorry I misunderstood that you had a second caregiver in between the one he did in Sept and the one he does now. I figured it thru this:

Daycare one: When I went back to work last September, I started him in an in home day care which was an adjustment.


Family care: number two: My husband and I elected to keep him home with family watching him until after the first of the year mainly to keep him from getting sick.

Famliy care plus caregiver two: We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time.

Caregiver number three... arrangemnt number four:Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care.

That's how I got four. I must have misunderstood.