Crying At Day Care/Adjusting To Daycare

[nannyde]

Now he needs his own adult because he has separation anxiety and has had at least four different care arrangements in the last five months.

He has only been in one other day care setting since he started going to day care in September. We had grandparents watching him in our home after he was terminated from the first one. He has a toy area in the living room as well as one in his room but his room is upstairs so he has to be watched so he doesn't fall down the stairs as we don't have a gate at the top of the stairs yet.

He would prefer to walk and has started to walk around things but likes to walk with adult assistance. I suppose you're going to tell me that is wrong too. Sorry if I sound snippy but this isn't easy for me. I know I've made mistakes in how he's been raised and that it's my fault he is acting the way he is--I get that from my husband all the time and I feel bad enough as it is that he cries all the time when I leave. My stomach is in knots every day all day when I'm at work because of how he is when I leave him. I love my son more than anything in the world and I'm not making excuses for his behavior because I know I'm responsible for it but generally he is a happy baby.

I know I've got to stop holding him all the time it's not realistic to expect the daycare provider to hold him all the time and because it's taxing on her as well. She did tell me that she had another child who is no longer in her care due to the family moved, that did the same things and after 2 weeks adjusted well to the routine and being in her care. I don't want it to take that long. I talk to my son every night and every morning about going to her house and how much fun it's going to be. I suppose that's the wrong thing to do to, Maybe that's another mistake I'm making that is adding to his anxiety.

Nah Mommy... you are taking my words the wrong way. I'm trying to show you the other side of this so you see what world you are bringing him into and trying to give you SPECIFIC help of things to do to get him "public" ready so YOU can go to work and your provider can dig her job.


I don't reccommend finger walking him at ALL. It's artificial movement that he can't replicate where you are balancing him against gravity. It's like a big light flashing... sound music... bleeping toy to his brain. It's too stimulating. It doesn't do ANYTHING to calm him and it doesn't further his ability to walk. What skills he uses to free walk on his own don't have a single thing in common with the walking he does balancing himself on two points of adults fingers.

He's better off doing what HE can do on his own. I've seen many many kids fixated on finger walking and have counselled many providers of kids who are fingerwalking addicted. Their happiness is built upon an adult holding them up against gravity and moving them forward... whhile the adult is bent over and can't do a single thing BUT fingerwalk the kid. The day care provider can't mimic that because she has to have her head UP and her eyes on the crew. Her hands need to be empty a good portion of the day so she can readily do what she needs to do with everyone.

Talking to him before and after day care isn't going to ready him into day care either BUT it's engagment with your baby and that's a good thing. Your body language when you pass him off and when you pick him up DOES matter to him. Be cheerful and show him that this is what you want him to do.

It's good that your provider thinks two weeks is going to be the improvement time. That seems like an eternity to you but in the scheme of things it's a blink of time.

Good luck and keep at it. He'll get it eventually.

[Live and Learn]

I stopped going to nurse him at lunch in January and he takes bottles with no problem.

Well it is not the midday nursing then. I feel bad for you. By the way I nursed my own children forever:: so my nursing comment wasn't meant as anti nursing just my observation.

I know for a fact that my own kids would have flunked out of daycare!!:: I coddled, carried "too much" and did all of the "wrong" things too!:: It hasn't always been easy financially but I made the choice to stay home with my kids and I will NEVER EVER regret it.

Group daycare isn't for every child. Sounds like he is really struggling. Give yourself another month or so to see how he does and then consider either a nanny or stay at home yourself. Good luck....by the way...you sound like a good loving Momma.

[denack]

Famliy care plus caregiver two: We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time.

Caregiver number three... arrangemnt number four:Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care.

Family care=arrangement #2, care was provided by grandparents/aunts in our home
Caregiver #2=arrangement #3, new daycare

[nannyde]

Oh I see you are in Madrid. I have family that lives there.

I just realized you said your son IS nine months old. I thought he was nine months last September when you started back.

Okay that changes things a little bit. Is he pulling up on furniture or crawling?

My fingerwealking post above stands... it's a HARD habit to break.

Are you still able to send breast milk every day?

[denack]

thanks, if we could afford it(I have the insurance for all of us) I would stay home with him but know that the socialization is good for him. I hope I'm going to have a month for an adjustment.

[nannyde]

Famliy care plus caregiver two: We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time.

Caregiver number three... arrangemnt number four:Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care.

Family care=arrangement #2, care was provided by grandparents/aunts in our home
Caregiver #2=arrangement #3, new daycare

gotcha

[Live and Learn]

the socialization is good for him .......

It is true that socialization is important....daycare is not the only socialization option though.

If he flunks out of daycare.....and I am not saying he will....the nanny can take him to the park, play groups, children's museum and more. He will have so much fun and much more one on one attention. Good luck.

[denack]

He just turned 9 months old on Sunday and pulls himself up and crawls. Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him. It isn't something that is done all the time and he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.

I do send breastmilk along with formula to add to it cuz production is slowing down.

I know and understand that you are giving advice to help me and that's what I asked for by posting here and I appreciate it. I just thought for sure that he would adjust easily because when we visited, he was happy, squealed and intereacted well with her own kids. I felt comfortable with the decision to put him there and so did my husband.

I give him one hug and one kiss good bye when I leave. I don't know if he has any 'memory' of the former daycare or not and associates this one with that. Things are totally different at the new one. I feel like I've 'broke' my child because he can't adjust to new situations. Yes, I'm beating myself up!

[denack]

just found out that today has gone a bit better than yesterday, there have still been random bouts of fussiness but nothing like yesterday AND he's even laid down in the pack and play. Guess prayers do work!

[momofsix]

just found out that today has gone a bit better than yesterday, there have still been random bouts of fussiness but nothing like yesterday AND he's even laid down in the pack and play. Guess prayers do work!

Glad to hear it!

[greenhouse]

He just turned 9 months old on Sunday and pulls himself up and crawls. Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him. It isn't something that is done all the time and he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.

I do send breastmilk along with formula to add to it cuz production is slowing down.

I know and understand that you are giving advice to help me and that's what I asked for by posting here and I appreciate it. I just thought for sure that he would adjust easily because when we visited, he was happy, squealed and intereacted well with her own kids. I felt comfortable with the decision to put him there and so did my husband.

I give him one hug and one kiss good bye when I leave. I don't know if he has any 'memory' of the former daycare or not and associates this one with that. Things are totally different at the new one. I feel like I've 'broke' my child because he can't adjust to new situations. Yes, I'm beating myself up!

Don't beat yourself up! You love your baby, I went through this with my son. I ended up quitting my job to become a licensed home day care provider. He was in a day care center and they did not hold him other than giving a bottle. I pulled him out and found a care provider with only one other child in her care. He LOVED her, but still cried at drop off. It's the age, 9-12 mo is tough for separation anxiety . As others said, a nanny or a provider with a smaller group may be best. My son 13 months now and around 12 months the need to be held constantly ended on it's own. Good Luck!

[lucky]

I just want to let you know there is hope. I started a DCB in the middle of December. He cried almost all day for two months. Then all the sudden he made a complete turn around. He is now the happiest little guy. It may take some time and patience but it can happen. I should add he was 18 months old and had only been at home with Mom previously.

[jen]

He just turned 9 months old on Sunday and pulls himself up and crawls. Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him. It isn't something that is done all the time and he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.

I do send breastmilk along with formula to add to it cuz production is slowing down.

I know and understand that you are giving advice to help me and that's what I asked for by posting here and I appreciate it. I just thought for sure that he would adjust easily because when we visited, he was happy, squealed and intereacted well with her own kids. I felt comfortable with the decision to put him there and so did my husband.

I give him one hug and one kiss good bye when I leave. I don't know if he has any 'memory' of the former daycare or not and associates this one with that. Things are totally different at the new one. I feel like I've 'broke' my child because he can't adjust to new situations. Yes, I'm beating myself up!

LOL! The one thing I can promise you...he's not broken! :: It will all be fine, it sounds like you are doing the right things...really, WANTING to fix the problem is half the battle.

[nannyde]

just found out that today has gone a bit better than yesterday, there have still been random bouts of fussiness but nothing like yesterday AND he's even laid down in the pack and play. Guess prayers do work!

You know nobody tells you the day you take your baby home that this isn't supposed to be easy.

I have a ten year old and had twenty years of child care under my belt when he was born and I never in a million YEARS thought it would be this hard.

I'm not kidding.

You are new to this and it's a very hard job. You have to start thinking about things you never thunk before. Sometimes it's just a hard realization that what you do with your child can so dramatically affect other people. You found this out when the first provider surrendered. You are doing the responsible thing to start asking for help.

If you have a no "no" style of parenting.
If you have a "no cry" style of parenting.
If you allow a "hold me, walk me, rock me" on demand way with him...
He's gonna have trouble in a group that's being cared for by a non related adult and it's going to net you a rage baby who is too fussy for anyone but you.

You don't want that so it's time to start learning some new ways.

Keep coming back and good luck.

[DCMomOf3]

Keep coming back and good luck.

hear hear! We can all benefit from having parents here.