A Conversation Is Coming With My Provider

[Starburst]

I recently received word from our daycare provider (family daycare) that our daughter had tried to take a toy from another child (both are 3 year olds). The other child wouldn't let go and my daughter pulled him over.

Initially the daycare provider told us that she was working on the behavior, and asked us to talk to our daughter, both of which are perfectly reasonable. However, later that day an email went out to all parents explaining that one of the children was bullying others and they'd had a lesson about bullying. As we found out more, the lesson turned out to be our daughter being sat down and being forced to listen to the daycare provider explain to the other 3-year-olds that she was a bully and not a good friend. The provider then went and got our daughters juice cup from the fridge and made another child drink all the juice while our child had to watch to teach her a lesson.

To me this seems to go far beyond what should happen in this kind of situation. I have a hard time accepting that a 3 year old taking a toy could rise to the level of "bullying". I found the discussion part of it extreme and can't imagine making a 3-year-old sit and listen to herself be criticized this way.

I am all for teaching kids that bullying is wrong and I actually plan on having an Anti-bully curriculum but that was extreamly inappropriate on the provider's part . Part of preventing bullying is modeling good behavior- humiliation is a form of emotional bullying. On one level I understand she is trying to help her understand that she hurts people with her actions but this is over the line. I can understand telling kids that 'a bully is not a good friend' and 'no one wants a friend that is a bully' but pointing her out and labling her infront of everyone is so wrong! Her execution of this lession was all wrong! If anything the teacher is the bully and teaching other kids how to become bullies by making her feel bad about herself and taking advantage of that situation. That should have been a private issue between her, your daughter, you, the other child, and possibly the child's parents at most- confidentiality.

Also once in a while kids will do things they shouldn't do but that doesn't make them a bully- they just need to be redirected and reminded that behavior is not tolerated (maybe a time out or a loss of a privilage). In fact, a bully lession should be given BEFORE a major insident occurres and given on a regular bases as well as without pointing anyone out.

I classify a true bully as someone who repeditively targets or harms others on purpose. Labling a child as a 'bad child' or a 'bully' infront of them like that and others will actually INCREASE there chances of becoming a 'bully' because they live up to the labels that adults give them. Also to children that young, if an adult says something they assume it is true. I would tell the teacher I want her to apoligize to my daughter for singling her out and I would seriously file a complaint.

The provider obviously needs a bully lession too Lession one: "To murder character is as truly a crime as to murder the body: the tongue of the slanderer is brother to the dagger of the assassin”

Sorry for the vent but I used to get bullied alot in elementry school and the vice principle threatened to have me suspended and tell the real principle and my mom multiple times for fighting. I was being kicked in the shin, having my hair pulled, and having stuff thrown at me every day at recess (3 times a day) if I didn't do cartwheels for a group of boys; I was also having my clothes pulled on and hair pulled by another boy on the school bus- he even gave me a black eye once. And then I had the vice principle threatening me because I was trying to defend myself?! Its not like the yard duty people were really doing anything. I think sometimes the teachers make bullying worse by punishing the wrong child, giving the wrong punishment, or assuming one side of the story when they were not there.

[crazydaycarelady]

The providers reaction to the original incident was a severe overreaction imho. The child should have had a couple of minutes in time-out and then it would have been over had it happened at my dc.

[KnoxMom]

Am I the only one who is hung up on the fact that she had another child drink out of someone else's cup? Huge sanitary issue there. Minus the terrible use of humiliation with expectations of teaching a lesson. Hurts my heart to know there are providers like this. Still, you need to have a real conversation to get to the bottom of the issue. She should be wanting to meet ASAP or else we can assume she has no idea how inappropriate her behavior is.

[saved4always]

In my state that would be considered unacceptable and would fall under discipline that was humiliating, shameful and/or not developmentally approriate.

I would remove my child IMMEDIATELY from care.

This is unacceptable in our state, too. I would remove my child from care, too, if this was used as "discipline".

[bunnyslippers]

The OP did remove his daughter from the daycare. He has also filed a complaint with EEC.

[gew95001]

Bunnyslippers is correct, my daughters are no longer in the daycare, and I did file a complaint with the EEC today. I included all the emails, which, after reviewing, the licensor said were very helpful in explaining my concerns.

One thing I did not mention yet (besides to Bunnyslippers) is that we have found out the provider has not been refrigerating our 17-month-old daughter's formula (we provide medically prescribed pre-mixed formula). This was caught in a spot-check by the food program. She DID at least leave it in the insulated bag (with ice-pack) we used to keep it cool on the way to daycare, so at least there was that, but it was only mildly cool by the end of the day.

I'm hoping that the EEC forces her to get some training, or at least get her to realize the problems with what she did. Thank you again to all who provided advice - it was greatly appreciated.

Edit: I also meant to mention that we've found another daycare for our daughters, and they'll start there on Monday. My 3-year-old had a great time on our visit there and seemed to really enjoy playing with the new provider's son (who is about the same age).

[Babybear911]

No good!

Two sides to every story but have to say that if this really went down as you mentioned it is seriously unexceptable behavior! I've been a daycare provider for 6+ years and that is the most obsurd, bully tactic i have ever heard from the caregiver!! I would leave daycare ASAP! No child deserves to be spoken to or treated that way. Your childcare provider sounds like they need to quit job as daycare provider and you should report the daycare provider. Mental abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse! I bet your child doesn't feel safe in that house! Blah!

I recently received word from our daycare provider (family daycare) that our daughter had tried to take a toy from another child (both are 3 year olds). The other child wouldn't let go and my daughter pulled him over.

Initially the daycare provider told us that she was working on the behavior, and asked us to talk to our daughter, both of which are perfectly reasonable. However, later that day an email went out to all parents explaining that one of the children was bullying others and they'd had a lesson about bullying. As we found out more, the lesson turned out to be our daughter being sat down and being forced to listen to the daycare provider explain to the other 3-year-olds that she was a bully and not a good friend. The provider then went and got our daughters juice cup from the fridge and made another child drink all the juice while our child had to watch to teach her a lesson.

To me this seems to go far beyond what should happen in this kind of situation. I have a hard time accepting that a 3 year old taking a toy could rise to the level of "bullying". I found the discussion part of it extreme and can't imagine making a 3-year-old sit and listen to herself be criticized this way.

I've already written an email to the provider and we'll have a meeting early next week. This provider usually answers feedback with answers that her hands are tied due to regulations. I've already got some ideas on how to counter that, but I'd love to hear other suggestions.

[Cradle2crayons]

I wondered if there is any update to this post? Any word on the results of the investigation??

In my home and daycare we have a lesson every month on bullying. My child was a victim of it in school. She talks to the kids about how it made her feel, she tells them she reported it, and what happened afterwards.

We do role-playing scenarios and talk about feelings etc.

But again, I also agree that what that provider did was simply horrible and I hope, if all that was true, she got what she deserved.. Regardless of what that was.

[AmyKidsCo]

She admitted to actually have called the child a bully and bad friend? Not addressing the behavior... actually labeling the child a bully to the group.

OK, that would have me very upset. If that is true I would not take her back.

File a complaint. She will be forced into training and more oversight. If she refuses, she will be shut down.

I totally agree. The way she handled it was way out of line and not helpful for your child or any of the children in her care.

[gew95001]

Sorry for the wait for the update. We finally got word as to the results of the investigation. The Provider was cited for several things, including the bullying "talk" etc. Pretty much everything I had filed the complaint on (plus one other we weren't even aware of). The things that helped the most were the actual emails from the Provider and the one's that I had sent them.

Our daughters are doing extremely well at the new daycare. They are noticeably happier, and the Provider there says they are absolutely wonderfully behaved. She told us that she is only seeing age-appropriate behavior and nothing she is at all concerned about.

I don't believe, based on how much happier our daughters are, that there weren't other problems going on in the daycare. I guess the lesson learned for other parents reading this is that if you suspect there is a problem or issue with your daycare that you should follow up on it - you may be right, and it may be important for your child. I can't imagine our children continuing at the daycare we had the problem with.

[gew95001]

So I got a copy of the report from the State today. I have to give the Daycare Provider credit, in that she did not lie to the investigator. She admitted sitting all the children down and explaining that our daughter was a bully and not a good friend. She also admitted forcing another child to drink our daughter's juice in front of her, though she now claims it was because our daughter hid the other child's socks (?). In addition, she admitted she had not been refrigerating our other daughter's formula. She was cited for all three, and one other. Unknown to us, she had forwarded some of our email to another parent, so she was cited for violating privacy.

I told our new provider about the results and she was glad the other Provider had been cited. She has been taking care of our daughters for about 2 months now and doesn't see any problem behavior. Our 3-year-old loves it there, and there's a clear difference in how she feels about being there. We definitely are in a much better place now. Thank you for all the comments and advice!

[Olechka]

Today, bullying is talked about everywhere in the US. I would complain to the state department of social services. This is totally inappropriate on her part.