A Conversation Is Coming With My Provider

[gew95001]

I recently received word from our daycare provider (family daycare) that our daughter had tried to take a toy from another child (both are 3 year olds). The other child wouldn't let go and my daughter pulled him over.

Initially the daycare provider told us that she was working on the behavior, and asked us to talk to our daughter, both of which are perfectly reasonable. However, later that day an email went out to all parents explaining that one of the children was bullying others and they'd had a lesson about bullying. As we found out more, the lesson turned out to be our daughter being sat down and being forced to listen to the daycare provider explain to the other 3-year-olds that she was a bully and not a good friend. The provider then went and got our daughters juice cup from the fridge and made another child drink all the juice while our child had to watch to teach her a lesson.

To me this seems to go far beyond what should happen in this kind of situation. I have a hard time accepting that a 3 year old taking a toy could rise to the level of "bullying". I found the discussion part of it extreme and can't imagine making a 3-year-old sit and listen to herself be criticized this way.

I've already written an email to the provider and we'll have a meeting early next week. This provider usually answers feedback with answers that her hands are tied due to regulations. I've already got some ideas on how to counter that, but I'd love to hear other suggestions.

[nannyde]

How did you find out more?

[gew95001]

Good question. Secret camera I installed...just kidding. There were three sources. The daycare provider herself told me the majority of it in an email (though she left out the specifics and that she told the other kids that our daughter was a bully and "not a good friend"), our daughter, and one of the other parents. Our daughter told us that the provider told them that she was "a bully and not a good friend", then I got a call from the other parent, who told me that her daughter said the exact same words, and then told her that the provider told all of them that.

I should also add that the daycare provider is not disputing that she did it this way.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

How did you find out more?

That is my question as well.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Good question. Secret camera I installed...just kidding. There were three sources. The daycare provider herself told me the majority of it in an email (though she left out the specifics and that she told the other kids that our daughter was a bully and "not a good friend"), our daughter, and one of the other parents. Our daughter told us that the provider told them that she was "a bully and not a good friend", then I got a call from the other parent, who told me that her daughter said the exact same words, and then told her that the provider told all of them that.

I should also add that the daycare provider is not disputing that she did it this way.

If this is truly what happened, it is unacceptable. Humiliation is never an option. What state are you located in? There should be guidance and discipline strategies that can and cannot be used.

[nannyde]

Good question. Secret camera I installed...just kidding. There were three sources. The daycare provider herself told me the majority of it in an email (though she left out the specifics and that she told the other kids that our daughter was a bully and "not a good friend"), our daughter, and one of the other parents. Our daughter told us that the provider told them that she was "a bully and not a good friend", then I got a call from the other parent, who told me that her daughter said the exact same words, and then told her that the provider told all of them that.

I should also add that the daycare provider is not disputing that she did it this way.

How three is your three year old?

[Blackcat31]

In my state that would be considered unacceptable and would fall under discipline that was humiliating, shameful and/or not developmentally approriate.

I would remove my child IMMEDIATELY from care.

[Cat Herder]

If you have already requested a meeting and she accepted, it may be better to wait until after she tells her side of this story to make a judgment. I'd hate for you to jump to conclusions and be terminated for something that could have cleared up in a civil conversation.

A 3 year old can spin some really tall tales, one of mine went swimming in a diamond mine before drop-off just this morning, even had the rocks in his pocket to show me.... He isn't lying, just relating a playful moment with his dad after watching a cartoon with a skewed view of reality. (disney pirates?)

I would be hurt and offended that you thought so little of me to be so eager to believe the worst... especially after choosing me to be your child's caretaker.

The one thing I do take issue to is having you wait until next week for closure. I'd want it cleared up TODAY. This stuff festers and causes resentments. I can imagine saying "Shoving is something done by bullies." or "Bullies are not being good friends" in the course of a bully talk circle time... Some of the resource posters have photos of this, too....

[gew95001]

How three is your three year old?

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking, but I think it's for a better idea of her age. She turned three at the end of November.

[Heidi]

Shaming a 3 year old in not appropriate, nor is it within regulations in our state. Neither is witholding food or drink, or giving one child another's cup (presumably used). Labeling a 3 year old openly with a name like "bully" is also not appropriate.

I don't think telling one child to take another child's anything is "being a good friend", or modeling "being a good friend". In fact, it's modeling "being a BULLY"
Ironic, actually. That's like smacking a kid while saying "don't hit your brother".

I would wonder about the training this provider has had in child development and managing behaviors. Everyone can loose their cool once in a while and say something to a child out of frustration. This, however, sounds calculated, and thought out...in a completey misguided way.


Edited to add: I agree with PP that you should try to have the meeting asap, and that you should give the provider a chance to explain before telling her what dd said. I had a 3 year old tell me last year that "mommy punched daddy in the nose" while relaying an attempt on dad's part to be funny after he got a black eye in a work accident.

[gew95001]

If you have already requested a meeting and she accepted, it may be better to wait until after she tells her side of this story to make a judgment. I'd hate for you to jump to conclusions and be terminated for something that could have cleared up in a civil conversation.

A 3 year old can spin some really tall tales, one of mine went swimming in a diamond mine before drop-off just this morning, even had the rocks in his pocket to show me.... He isn't lying, just relating a playful moment with his dad after watching a cartoon with a skewed view of reality. (disney pirates?)

I would be hurt and offended that you thought so little of me to be so eager to believe the worst... especially after choosing me to be your child's caretaker.

The one thing I do take issue to is having you wait until next week for closure. I'd want it cleared up TODAY. This stuff festers and causes resentments.

Well, she's already told us her side of the story via email, and it matches up with what both children say. I wrote her an email last night explaining that what she described herself as doing was unacceptable and was not to happen again. We are currently looking for a new daycare, but I want to address this directly because my daughter is not the only child this could happen to.

[Cat Herder]

Well, she's already told us her side of the story via email, and it matches up with what both children say. I wrote her an email last night explaining that what she described herself as doing was unacceptable and was not to happen again. We are currently looking for a new daycare, but I want to address this directly because my daughter is not the only child this could happen to.

She admitted to actually have called the child a bully and bad friend? Not addressing the behavior... actually labeling the child a bully to the group.

OK, that would have me very upset. If that is true I would not take her back.

File a complaint. She will be forced into training and more oversight. If she refuses, she will be shut down.

[Heidi]

She admited to actually have called the child a bully and bad friend? Not addressing the behavior... actually lableling the child a bully to the group.

OK, that would have me very upset. If that is true I would not take her back.

File a complaint. She will be forced into training and more oversight. If she refuses, she will be shut down.

Yes, even if you term your child, there are others still there (and will be more). This person needs more training or another career.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

She admitted to actually have called the child a bully and bad friend? Not addressing the behavior... actually labeling the child a bully to the group.

OK, that would have me very upset. If that is true I would not take her back.

File a complaint. She will be forced into training and more oversight. If she refuses, she will be shut down.

I agree. I would not take her back!

[Willow]

I also don't understand in your first post when you say this:

"I've already written an email to the provider and we'll have a meeting early next week. This provider usually answers feedback with answers that her hands are tied due to regulations. I've already got some ideas on how to counter that, but I'd love to hear other suggestions."

She supposedly targeted a small child, singled out your individual family to all families enrolled, humiliated and demeaned your child and then forced multiple other children to drink out of another child's cup...... You then you say she admitted to all that. If that's the case then how could her response to your concern be that her hands are tied due to regulations? How so? - because regulations strictly prohibit all of those responses and behaviors. I don't understand how that explanation would even be relevant to the question or your concern at all.

I'm just stuck on why you have waited so long to address this. I don't understand why you'd ever send your child back if indeed your child's provider admitted to you that all this really happened. If I actually believed my child's daycare provider spoke to and treated her that way there is no way I would have ever left her in the providers care again.

I am confused about what you're hoping to accomplish by talking with her. How does a sit down change that what she did was insanely inappropriate and unacceptable?? Even if she apologized do you really trust this womans judgement if that's how she responded to a simple and very normal tiff between toddlers?