"Daycare Lady" Wasn't Home When I Picked My Baby Up

[greenhouse]

I agree. I would be livid. I don't understand why she needed to leave the house doesn't she get out when daycare is done. Now if it was a drs' appointment and she told you, that would be different, but what was so important that she had to leave.
There are times that I have to leave 15 mins before the last daycare kid leaves and either my odd is home or dh, all the parents know this, they know my dh and my odd (who watches some of the kids on weekends) but I usually know in advance, so some parents come early, but others are fine with it. But when dh is here, so are my other 4 kids so he's never alone.
I totally understand that a man was left alone with the kids, my mind starts racing, I think its just a natural reaction.
So all i can say, is ask her about it

I agree. Major trust broken. Who knows what else she's untruthful about. Find a new provider IMHO. My DH is amazing and I know he's not a child molester, but I still make a promise to parents to never leave him alone with DCK's becuase that is what I would expect for my own child if in a home day care.

[cheerfuldom]

I have left my daycare kids with my husband but each time it was during nap time or for a very short period at the end of the day. Less than a half dozen times total and each time I called each parent to make sure they were okay with this BEFORE I left (these were emergencies or if I had an appt at the end of the day and a parent was running late for pickup). I always plan things so my DH does not have to change diapers, clothing or do anything other than supervision and I tell the parents that too.

[Meeko]

I can relate to you on soooo many levels...

A few things...One kudos to you for getting help. You will need someone to help you through your issues and fear with men.

BUT, you will eventually need to learn that you cannot hold every other man in this world accountable for what one man did to you. I know it's not easy, but you are closing so many doors in your life of good people and opportunities when you do this.

Not only that, you are teaching your daughter to also fear. I know you are not doing it intentionally, but when you do she will too.

I hope that you and your family childcare provider are able to work things out. Maybe you can get to know this man if he is willing....

Hugs to you... Like I said, I know what you are going through and It has been a very long road for me...... BUT you can do it...stay strong and stay positive....

I agree with this so much. You went through a terrible thing and your trust in men is not good. That is completely understandable. But for the sake of your daughter, please try your very best to show her that not all men are monsters. If not, she will grow up suspicious and scared. This opens her up to never having a healthy relationship with a man and thus robbing her of the opportunity of a happy marriage.

She probably feels relaxed and happy to be around your provider's husband as he lives in the home and she no doubt sees him a lot and interacts with him regularly (had you thought about that?) I am sure you do not want to frighten her or have her feel that she should be scared of him now. Before long she will be in school and dealing with male teachers and other men.

Being around men is inevitable. Whether or not your daughter deals with that in a healthy fashion is going to depend a lot on how she sees you act.

[youretooloud]

BUT, you will eventually need to learn that you cannot hold every other man in this world accountable for what one man did to you. I know it's not easy, but you are closing so many doors in your life of good people and opportunities when you do this.

Not only that, you are teaching your daughter to also fear. I know you are not doing it intentionally, but when you do she will too.

.

I agree with this. In a way, you are overreacting for the wrong reasons.

HOWEVER.... My parents KNOW my husband, and I would NEVER leave them alone with him. If I had some sort of emergency, I would call all the parents first, and ASK them. I have two parents who only want me watching their kids, so I just simply wouldn't leave them ever.

I also don't trust my husband to watch them properly. He's a wonderful husband, but I can almost promise that he'd go out to the garage or the backyard and never think there was anything wrong with that.

I will not even be leaving him alone with our grandkids if we ever have them.

You should absolutely speak to her about this. But, please don't approach it with the "I think men should never be alone with my daughter" because that is highly offensive, and unfair. Just play the "I don't want my baby to be with anybody but you" card.

Hopefully Dad could tell by the look on your face that this was not OK. It would not be OK with me either.

BTW, I have no problem leaving the kids with my daughter, but never with my husband.....or my own mom. (she's a ditz) I know who I can trust, and who I can't.

[Country Kids]

Also, please know that if you only want the provider watching your child you may need to find other care. She may have appt. and such where she needs someone or her husband to watch the child. Believe me, being in your home 50+ hours a week sometimes get to a person and they will need a break during the day.

[daycare]

I agree with this. In a way, you are overreacting for the wrong reasons.

HOWEVER.... My parents KNOW my husband, and I would NEVER leave them alone with him. If I had some sort of emergency, I would call all the parents first, and ASK them. I have two parents who only want me watching their kids, so I just simply wouldn't leave them ever.

I also don't trust my husband to watch them properly. He's a wonderful husband, but I can almost promise that he'd go out to the garage or the backyard and never think there was anything wrong with that.

I will not even be leaving him alone with our grandkids if we ever have them.

You should absolutely speak to her about this. But, please don't approach it with the "I think men should never be alone with my daughter" because that is highly offensive, and unfair. Just play the "I don't want my baby to be with anybody but you" card.

Hopefully Dad could tell by the look on your face that this was not OK. It would not be OK with me either.

BTW, I have no problem leaving the kids with my daughter, but never with my husband.....or my own mom. (she's a ditz) I know who I can trust, and who I can't.

hopefully this DCP really did trust the kids in her husbands hands. I can see where the OP has every right to flip out over that... Does not show that the DCP is being responsible and seems a little sneaky in a way.


Hopefully it was just an oversight on the DCProviders part, which was a big NO NO...

[renodeb]

As a dc provider I think its strange to leave the house to do errands, esp if your the primary provider. My husband is my back up but I only use him if have a doctors appt. (in which case I let the parents knoow ahead of time) he is all fingerprinted and stuff (required in my state) and the parents all know him. I try and save errands for evenings or weekends if at all possible. She needs to let her dc parents know ahead of time. I would call her and talk to her about your concerns. Alot of providers do use a sub or asst. Maybe shes not the right person for you? I had a provider friend that left her house all the time and left her mom in charge (who was not printed or anything) b/c she couldnt stand being tied to home. I dont have any real reason to just leave but if I did I would notify my clients before hand. She should of handled that a little better.
Debbie

[daycare]

As a dc provider I think its strange to leave the house to do errands, esp if your the primary provider. My husband is my back up but I only use him if have a doctors appt. (in which case I let the parents knoow ahead of time) he is all fingerprinted and stuff (required in my state) and the parents all know him. I try and save errands for evenings or weekends if at all possible. She needs to let her dc parents know ahead of time. I would call her and talk to her about your concerns. Alot of providers do use a sub or asst. Maybe shes not the right person for you? I had a provider friend that left her house all the time and left her mom in charge (who was not printed or anything) b/c she couldnt stand being tied to home. I dont have any real reason to just leave but if I did I would notify my clients before hand. She should of handled that a little better.
Debbie

I was working over 60 hours a week until 7:30 nightly. there are a ton of things that I would to do that I cant when the kids would leave. Bank is closed, post office, doctors, and sometimes I need my sanity. Even if its just a short walk around the block so that I can clear my head or let out stress from a crazy day... I also have 3 kids of my own and my husband works weekends, so I don't get any breaks unless I leave for about 20 min during daycare when my husband is home

I think that this is healthy for me and the kids and I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like I am leaving all day or even for hours...

BUT the DCP in this situation should have been informative of her plans prior to doing them.....

[Unregistered]

I would flip as well if there was someone else there taking care of my kid. Make sure you follow the advice all the ladies have already given you, no point rehashing it all. Just keep the lines of communication going and express the importance of you as the parent wanting to be informed at all times who will be watching your kid. Male or female if you dont know them its hard to know them.

[Christian Mother]

DCP should of mentioned to mom at drop of that morning she needed to leave her daughter with her husband while she ran her errands. It is a HUGE no no to just drop your responsibilities and hope the parent will understand. First and foremost...this provider should of ask permission to do what she did. She made the decision for her and I can understand why this parent is upset.
OP - When talking to your provider express how uncomfortable you where with finding your daughter not in her care but her husbands when you pay her to care for her. Let her know that you read through her parent hand book and did not see anything in there referring to her husband as a back up provider. You need to explain to her your history and why this upsets you greatly and how you are trying to work through it but that you need your provider to be on board to and understand that you need her to communicate with you when she needs to leave. You need the option to be able to say No, I am not ok with that arrangement. Understand though that explaining your reservations may not be meet the way you might hope it will. In Home daycares...the husband is not always up to negotiations. Specially if it is written in the contract. Husbands come with the territory. There perminate fixtures so to speak.
When I interview my families...it's with the whole family. It is understood that my husband will be my back up for me in case I am ill or need to leave for an emergency or doctors apt. Those are the only cases. I take my job extremely seriously. No one cares for these kids but me. My parents are made aware in advanced if I am sick and my husband will be caring for them...they have the choice to either not bring the children that day or use my husband. Days I have a doctors apt..I either take the kids with me or my husband will watch them which is planned around nap time. All my parents know and love my husband...they see him ashually play and talk not to mention interact. I think it's important for my parents to see my husband around the kids as it builds trust. Little by little you need to start building your trust for men again. Your daughter needs to also see you win this fight in your life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have reservations...your a wonderful mother to care for your daughter the way you do and wish only the best for her. There is nothing wrong with feeling scared for her. But make sure you do everything you can to install trust in your self and others. God Bless you and your daughter...please let us know what happens!!

[Meyou]

I have left my daycare kids with my husband but each time it was during nap time or for a very short period at the end of the day. Less than a half dozen times total and each time I called each parent to make sure they were okay with this BEFORE I left (these were emergencies or if I had an appt at the end of the day and a parent was running late for pickup). I always plan things so my DH does not have to change diapers, clothing or do anything other than supervision and I tell the parents that too.

I do the same thing. My parents never mind but I'm sure they would feel differently if I didn't inform them first.

I had two children that had to stay late this week in fact and I had to get my dd at dance. So I made dinner and got the kids at the table eating and then left them with dh. By the time they ate and cleaned up I was back so he really only had to sit with them and make sure they didn't choke.

[dave4him]

In my case i dont think the parents would care if it were my spouse but its on my contract she is a sub

[momofboys]

I agree. I would be livid. I don't understand why she needed to leave the house doesn't she get out when daycare is done. Now if it was a drs' appointment and she told you, that would be different, but what was so important that she had to leave.
There are times that I have to leave 15 mins before the last daycare kid leaves and either my odd is home or dh, all the parents know this, they know my dh and my odd (who watches some of the kids on weekends) but I usually know in advance, so some parents come early, but others are fine with it. But when dh is here, so are my other 4 kids so he's never alone.
I totally understand that a man was left alone with the kids, my mind starts racing, I think its just a natural reaction.
So all i can say, is ask her about it

There are a lot of places that are not open after daycare hours - my dr's office closes at 5:00, our local post office closes at 4:00 pm (small town), my eye dr's office closes at 4:30. When I was doing DC in my home @ 50 hrs a week by myself it is important to get out a little - it would be downright impossible to get a dr's/eye appt without having backup. While I did not have a paid person to help me (only had 2 families in my care at a time & not everyone has enough of a client base to afford to pay a back-up & in those instances my husband was my back-up - of course my parents knew my husband would step in if needed). As someone else said just because some men are abusers doesn't mean everyone is. I hope you have resolved this with your provider. Certainly she should have told you though. I also think it is unrealistic for some of you to expect a provider with no assistant to work 50 + hours a week & do it all themselves. Certainly 1/2 hr 1-2x a week should not be a big deal.

[Unregistered]

My husband has done back up care for me twice in 7 yrs, both for dr appts recently that could not be avoided. Parents were informed before hand and noone batted an eye as my families have all been here a minimum of 3 yrs with the exception of one who is quite comfortable with our family after 6 mos or so (our daughter babysits for Mom every other Fri) I would NEVER leave him as back up without asking/telling. They had the choice to pick up if they did not like the idea. You should most definately have been informed in my opinion, and I would not leave a back up person just for "errands". All my parents are friendly with my husband too, he is home from work before daycare closes and is usually hanging out with us in daycare or outside when they pick up. They know he is an awesome Dad to 6 and loves kids. I am sorry you were unaware of this before walking in on it and I am so sorry it make you uncomfortable. I hope you spoke with your provider and you feel better about the situation and she is compassionate about it!

[jojosmommy]

I have it in my contract that my husband is my sub provider (for dr appts or emergencies only) and if my families are not comfortable with that option they need to have their children attend other care the day I have an appt. nobody has ever mentioned it being an issue but I have always notified them a week prior that my hubs would be here watching the children while I was at an appt. I also schedule them (if possible) during nap so the kids dont even know most the time even though they love my husband.

I would talk to the provider about it but in a calm manner.