"Daycare Lady" Wasn't Home When I Picked My Baby Up

[Unregistered]

Hello... I'm not a registered user here but I do have a problem and was hoping someone can give me some insight into my situation.

I picked my one year old baby girl up from daycare today and my "daycare lady" wasn't home. Her husband was there with the children, and said that "she's out running errands, instead of me all the time. Let her get out of the house." ??? !!! I was not under the impression that he took care of the children too. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm sure my face looked crazy but it took a minute for it all to sink in. When I got in the door to my house I just started bawling because I have a history that makes it extra-uncomfortable for me. And I'm a single mom who is in school full time and I'm far away from home, in a new place, doing all I can to do the best I can for my daughter. I'm not accusing him of anything but I am saying that it goes against my plans as a parent, to have her left in the care of a man whom I barely know, alone. I know sometimes he is there while her PRIMARY DAYCARE PROVIDER is there, but never alone. I'm not happy about this at all and I'm not sure the best way to handle it without sounding like I'm calling him a pedophile.

I just don't want any man changing her diaper. I don't want something like this to happen without my knowledge. I don't want to NOT have a choice. I felt violated.

I feel like I should call her tonight, not talk about it tomorrow when I drop my baby off. Anyone have any comments? I would really appreciate it.

Jen

[daycare]

first off take a depth breath and calm down...

YOu do have every right to be upset. The DCP should have told you that:

1. she would be leaving the DC site
2. She would be using her husband as her backup care should she need to leave.

One thing you have to get out of your head is that Male providers are bad. This is not just a man, this is a father. I do understand you don't know him, but this does not mean he is not able to care for children because of his gender.

I would wait to calm down for a bit. Give yourself some blow off time. I would call her when I am not so upset and explain to her your concerns.

Just so you know, I use my husband as my back up, but the parents know this from dayone. I also have to leave the house sometimes to run errands, go to the doctors, go to the bank, or just get out because I have been behind 4 walls for almost 60 hours a week. I do go only for a short period of time, maybe 30 minutes and I do it during nap time.

I think your provider needs to be clear about who your child will be left with and make sure they have all of the same requirements as she does. First aid, CPR and so on.

[wdmmom]

first off take a depth breath and calm down...

YOu do have every right to be upset. The DCP should have told you that:

1. she would be leaving the DC site
2. She would be using her husband as her backup care should she need to leave.

One thing you have to get out of your head is that Male providers are bad. This is not just a man, this is a father. I do understand you don't know him, but this does not mean he is not able to care for children because of his gender.

I would wait to calm down for a bit. Give yourself some blow off time. I would call her when I am not so upset and explain to her your concerns.

Just so you know, I use my husband as my back up, but the parents know this from dayone. I also have to leave the house sometimes to run errands, go to the doctors, go to the bank, or just get out because I have been behind 4 walls for almost 60 hours a week. I do go only for a short period of time, maybe 30 minutes and I do it during nap time.

I think your provider needs to be clear about who your child will be left with and make sure they have all of the same requirements as she does. First aid, CPR and so on.

Very good advise!

Express your concerns to your provider and ask to be made aware ahead of time if she isn't going to be available so you can make alternate plans for your daughter.

If she can't accommodate your request, maybe she isn't the appropriate provider for your family.

[Blackcat31]

If you have any issues at all about the care of your child, then I definitley recommend that you contact your provider and discuss this with her immediately. Many providers use a back up or substitute provider for times they need to leave the child care and although I am not going to get into whether a man is an appropriate substitute or not because my feelings on this subject have no relavance to how you are feeling.

If you were not told the husband was going to fill in now and then, I would address this with your provider. If it was written in your policy handbook and you signed it, then it was well within her rights to leave him there alone.

Ultimatley, you may just have to find different care for your daughter unless your provider is willing to work this out with you. My advice is to not come off as attacking her for her decision, since she obviously felt the children were in good hands, but to address YOUR personal concerns with her and let her know you are uncomfortable with men in general.... making note that it has nothing to do with her husband.

In all honesty, she will probably not take it well...but then again, who knows.

You cannot predict how others will react so unless this is something you two already discussed, you may need to take the time to sit down and let her know how you feel but also be prepared to find new care.

Good luck. Be honest and open and let the cards fall as they may. You have a right to your opinions just as she does.

[sharlan]

I agree with the others. Take a deep breath and calm down before you talk to your provider.

My husband has always been my back-up, my daughters, too. I've always let the parents know up front. My husband likes to to the drop off and pick up at the schools. He'll also stay with the kids so that I can run a quick errand.

CALMLY talk to your provider and let her know that you are uncomfortable with a man being alone with your daughter. If there is no way for her to accomodate that request, then you need to find another provider.

I understand where you are coming from. I requested one of my daugters' provider to never let my daughters be alone with her dh. I didn't tell her why, just said I was uncomfortable with him watching them.

I understand the provider's viewpoint also. Sometimes we just need to get out of the house and away from the kids for a few minutes for our own sanity.

[mismatchedsocks]

Who is listed as a back up provider or sub? When you interviewed or went over paperwork did she say anything about his helping out?

My boyfriend is my assistant and is left here alone with the kids, changes their diapers, etc. BUT i am up front with this. One interview of all of them have said they dont want their daughter changed by him, and I decided right there that they were not a right fit for the daycare. Even when they called back to ask if their daughter can start.

So I would call later to discuss with the provider. Ask her who her back up is? how long she has been leaving the kids alone with him? and if its written in handbook? If not might have to give notice and place elsewhere, as I cant see her changing her ways for one family. KWIM?

[Unregistered]

Thank you all for your responses!

I am much calmer now than I was at first; I am glad I didn't try to call her earlier. It was so upsetting because, in fact, I was not ever told that her husband was a back-up care provider. I'm trying to find my paperwork now to see if I overlooked anything, but I don't ever remember that being a possibility.

I'm in therapy and hopefully I can learn to trust and accept that not every man in this world is out to hurt people. But I also know that uncles, pastors, and others DO hurt kids... I know it from my own experiences and those experiences of some of my friends. I have a friend who had her beautiful daughter molested repeatedly in her own grandparents home while being babysat, and my friend thought she was safe- the safEST- there. The only option at this point in my life is to not leave my daughter alone with any men. I feel sort of dumb saying that to this woman but it IS how I feel. It's the only way I know how to protect her at this point.

If I can avoid finding a new daycare, I would like that. I mean, certainly it's not good for my daughter to be switching places when she is comfortable and happy. Yet I don't know quite what to do. I don't want to make this guy feel like I think he's a pervert- should I talk to him as well? I'm debating whether to call tonight or talk to her in person in the morning. I think the worst part of it all is that I expected her to be there with my baby the whole time, and when I arrived and she was nowhere to be found, it caught me off guard. Add to that that her husband was there by himself and I just felt like... ... like I didn't have a choice.

[familyschoolcare]

Dear Op

You need to ask your self which part bothers you the most the fact that it was a man or the fact that you barely know him?

If it was that he is a man then a fmaily day care may not be the best fit for you, unless it is one that is run by a sigle woman. Afterall who in thier right mind woud pay for a back up person when hubby can do it. Espicialy if Hubby has to be fingerprinted anyway.

If it is that you barely know him then talk to the day care lady and arrange to get to know him better. Sounds like you daughter knows him as you said he is sometimes at the house while the daycare lady is present. Which makes sense because it is his house.

[sharlan]

Mothers, sisters, aunts, etc abuse and assault children. It's not just men.

If you calmly explain to your provider where you are coming from, she will probably be willing to work with you.

[daycare]

Thank you all for your responses!

I am much calmer now than I was at first; I am glad I didn't try to call her earlier. It was so upsetting because, in fact, I was not ever told that her husband was a back-up care provider. I'm trying to find my paperwork now to see if I overlooked anything, but I don't ever remember that being a possibility.

I'm in therapy and hopefully I can learn to trust and accept that not every man in this world is out to hurt people. But I also know that uncles, pastors, and others DO hurt kids... I know it from my own experiences and those experiences of some of my friends. I have a friend who had her beautiful daughter molested repeatedly in her own grandparents home while being babysat, and my friend thought she was safe- the safEST- there. The only option at this point in my life is to not leave my daughter alone with any men. I feel sort of dumb saying that to this woman but it IS how I feel. It's the only way I know how to protect her at this point.

If I can avoid finding a new daycare, I would like that. I mean, certainly it's not good for my daughter to be switching places when she is comfortable and happy. Yet I don't know quite what to do. I don't want to make this guy feel like I think he's a pervert- should I talk to him as well? I'm debating whether to call tonight or talk to her in person in the morning. I think the worst part of it all is that I expected her to be there with my baby the whole time, and when I arrived and she was nowhere to be found, it caught me off guard. Add to that that her husband was there by himself and I just felt like... ... like I didn't have a choice.

I can relate to you on soooo many levels...

A few things...One kudos to you for getting help. You will need someone to help you through your issues and fear with men.

BUT, you will eventually need to learn that you cannot hold every other man in this world accountable for what one man did to you. I know it's not easy, but you are closing so many doors in your life of good people and opportunities when you do this.

Not only that, you are teaching your daughter to also fear. I know you are not doing it intentionally, but when you do she will too.

I hope that you and your family childcare provider are able to work things out. Maybe you can get to know this man if he is willing....

Hugs to you... Like I said, I know what you are going through and It has been a very long road for me...... BUT you can do it...stay strong and stay positive....

[Sugar Magnolia]

I agree with everyone that you definitely should have been notified in advance. I'm so sorry you were surprised with that. I feel for you. I run a child care center with my husband. He is a wonderful, kind, patient man who loves children. Of course, all my families met him during their tour/interview and it is crystal clear he is a lead teacher. Yes, he does not change little girls diapers unless its necessary. And I don't change the boys. Works out fine. And parents know this. Please don't ever assume that a man involved in child care has nothing but the best of intentions. We have several single moms, and those that have little boys absolutely CHERISH the fact their sons have positive male role models in their lives. Those with girls feel the same. I would be heartbroken if I thought any parent had anything less than 100% confidence and trust in my husband. But again, they all meet him during their interviews, so full disclosure is important. I hope you give this man a chance, get to know him better and have an open and honest discussion with both him and her. For what its worth, I think if your provider is licensed, he probably had a background check conducted on him by your state anyways. Peace to you, OP.

[nannyde]

Hello... I'm not a registered user here but I do have a problem and was hoping someone can give me some insight into my situation.

I picked my one year old baby girl up from daycare today and my "daycare lady" wasn't home. Her husband was there with the children, and said that "she's out running errands, instead of me all the time. Let her get out of the house." ??? !!! I was not under the impression that he took care of the children too. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm sure my face looked crazy but it took a minute for it all to sink in. When I got in the door to my house I just started bawling because I have a history that makes it extra-uncomfortable for me. And I'm a single mom who is in school full time and I'm far away from home, in a new place, doing all I can to do the best I can for my daughter. I'm not accusing him of anything but I am saying that it goes against my plans as a parent, to have her left in the care of a man whom I barely know, alone. I know sometimes he is there while her PRIMARY DAYCARE PROVIDER is there, but never alone. I'm not happy about this at all and I'm not sure the best way to handle it without sounding like I'm calling him a pedophile.

I just don't want any man changing her diaper. I don't want something like this to happen without my knowledge. I don't want to NOT have a choice. I felt violated.

I feel like I should call her tonight, not talk about it tomorrow when I drop my baby off. Anyone have any comments? I would really appreciate it.

Jen

I would be livid if I were you.

I would NEVER leave my daycare kids with someone the parents didn't know. I wouldn't leave my kids to run errands.

VERY irresponsible and not cool.

Whenever I HAVE to go to a medical appointment that can't be done on the weekends I set up TWO people to be here. One is my staff assistant and then another APPROVED experienced adult. I only leave during nap and I'm gone for as few minutes as possible. I go years in between having to leave my kids.

Makes me wonder how often this has happened.

[Blackcat31]

Thank you all for your responses!

I am much calmer now than I was at first; I am glad I didn't try to call her earlier. It was so upsetting because, in fact, I was not ever told that her husband was a back-up care provider. I'm trying to find my paperwork now to see if I overlooked anything, but I don't ever remember that being a possibility.

I'm in therapy and hopefully I can learn to trust and accept that not every man in this world is out to hurt people. But I also know that uncles, pastors, and others DO hurt kids... I know it from my own experiences and those experiences of some of my friends. I have a friend who had her beautiful daughter molested repeatedly in her own grandparents home while being babysat, and my friend thought she was safe- the safEST- there. The only option at this point in my life is to not leave my daughter alone with any men. I feel sort of dumb saying that to this woman but it IS how I feel. It's the only way I know how to protect her at this point.

If I can avoid finding a new daycare, I would like that. I mean, certainly it's not good for my daughter to be switching places when she is comfortable and happy. Yet I don't know quite what to do. I don't want to make this guy feel like I think he's a pervert- should I talk to him as well? I'm debating whether to call tonight or talk to her in person in the morning. I think the worst part of it all is that I expected her to be there with my baby the whole time, and when I arrived and she was nowhere to be found, it caught me off guard. Add to that that her husband was there by himself and I just felt like... ... like I didn't have a choice.

If I were your provider, I would want you to tell me what you just said. Tell me how you feel and why. Explain that this is an issue you are taking steps to work through and want to do your best to do right by your daughter.

Build a relationship with your provider by simply being honest. Most providers are mothers too and fully understand our innate need to protect our children...whether it is a real threat or simply a perceived one.

I would appreciate the honesty as a provider and would also more than likey understand and be more willing to work with you.

[Cat Herder]

I feel OP should have been notified at drop-off that the provider was leaving the property for a short time that day.

OP should have been aware whom her provider was using as back-up before enrolling.

It should have NEVER come as a surprise.

Male or Female, makes no difference to me.

[countrymom]

I would be livid if I were you.

I would NEVER leave my daycare kids with someone the parents didn't know. I wouldn't leave my kids to run errands.

VERY irresponsible and not cool.

Whenever I HAVE to go to a medical appointment that can't be done on the weekends I set up TWO people to be here. One is my staff assistant and then another APPROVED experienced adult. I only leave during nap and I'm gone for as few minutes as possible. I go years in between having to leave my kids.

Makes me wonder how often this has happened.

I agree. I would be livid. I don't understand why she needed to leave the house doesn't she get out when daycare is done. Now if it was a drs' appointment and she told you, that would be different, but what was so important that she had to leave.
There are times that I have to leave 15 mins before the last daycare kid leaves and either my odd is home or dh, all the parents know this, they know my dh and my odd (who watches some of the kids on weekends) but I usually know in advance, so some parents come early, but others are fine with it. But when dh is here, so are my other 4 kids so he's never alone.
I totally understand that a man was left alone with the kids, my mind starts racing, I think its just a natural reaction.
So all i can say, is ask her about it